to ignore STBXH's religious beliefs

[MrsDeathOfRats]

Firstly, sorry about the number of threads I'm starting right now but I am so conflicted on many levels right now!

So, STBXH is Muslim. We have so far raised the kids as such. BUT he really only eats halal and observes Ramadan.
I am filing for divorce and once it is done I see no reason to keep feeding the kids halal food.

So, in the 6 years I have know him He has NEVER attended a mosque.
He used to smoke.
We lived together and were pregnant prior to religious marriage ceremony.

I am not Muslim and I will be the resident parent.

WIBU to stop feeding them exclusively halal meat once we are divorced?

So as not to drip feed: I am prepared to continue not feeding them pork.
This is going to cause major issues and any hope of an amicable post marriage relationship will disappear.
(If I ever tell him. But if he ever asks I won't lie)

If your idiotic stbx rants and raves EVEN ONCE about a decision YOU make, then contact gets pulled.

Contact is for the benefit of the child. If he so much as cocks a snook at either of the dc, it gets shut down.

If he wants to ensure the halal continues, then he can provide it and bring it to you as part of his parenting share.

The OP has made a decision, why are people still leaping in with incredibly unhelpful suggestions that aren't remotely child focused?

Your dd can always choose the veggie option, and you can guide her on other meals she'd be able to eat from the school menu.

In some schools/areas the meat may already be halal, is that the case? Or do you have a specific option to select halal.

I personally would select that if it were an option, and as you say, cook what I pleased at home.

I'd also make sure that party invitations were accepted.

Do they have any observances, apart from the halal? Do they pray, or go to Mosque? You see, if they don't, then I don't see how they're Muslim at all. That may be my ignorance, and you're all welcome to flame me over it, but could you also educate me while you're at it?

I was raised Catholic, by a mum who was very religious and a dad who not only was not and had never been Catholic, but was an atheist (born into Plymouth Brethren family though). From almost babyhood, my mum took us to church. I was baptised at 10days old. I spent every Sunday morning in church. We all said our prayers, on our knees before getting into bed. We had fish on Fridays. There was Lent and Advent, and all sorts of high days and holy days which were just part of our lives, before we even started school. I identified as Catholic because my life involved a huuuge amount of Catholic stuff.

I don't see that with your children. That's not a criticism, btw, just an observation. If there lives don't contain anything religious, then they're not in that religion. Do they believe is Allah? Do they know anything of him?

We had the Catechism from my earliest memories. "Who made me?" " God made thee." I knew that, ooh, certainly by the age of 2.

No.
STBXH does not pray or attend mosque, I don't think my children above ever heard he term 'allah' and they have no concept of God, heaven hell etc.

Events tonight included me informing STBXH of impending divorce which he is going to make difficult.

And he stated 'I don't want you to rely on the money (maintenance) as I may go back to Algeria and if I do I can't pay you'

He then followed that up with how if he meets someone and starts a new family he will be so busy and stretched etc that....' And he didn't finish but then said 'it's like now... I've been so busy with you and the kids that I forgot about my family and friends'

So yeah... He's gonna be a dead beat wanker and disappear on these 2 amazing DC. I'm so angry. And maybe I shouldn't be as this is a silver lining moment I suspect.
Won't have to worry about what they eat as he is gonna fucking abandon them anyway!!

He'll say all kinds of shit to hurt you and scare you. I don't necessarily think he'll do all he says.

By the way, western union is a great service to send money, so if he's going anywhere, no need to shirk his responsibilities.

My ex tried the "new family" comment. I told him he can marry who he likes, but no more kids. Ds wouldn't be happy, and he's "lost" 2 kids ready because he can't be bothered.

He asked more than once if he could go on with his life, I said yes. Didn't stop him trying it on after 5 years. He got a flea in in his ear.

I wouldn't want my ds taking up this religion, or any other for that matter. I worry he'll be targeted by extreme nutters in future, telling him what he should be etc, but hope he's smart enough to ignore them

Hissy, I feel like this is absolute impertinence on my part to want to give you advice as I admire you so much, but my mother was an atheist and sent me to church and I also got religious education at school. I suspect that this was because we were in N. Ireland and she felt it was safer than way, but it stood me in good stead when Christian nutters wanted to draw me into their flock because I could quote scripture with the best of them and was able to recognise misquotes, etc. I think it would be the same with Islam. Isis and suchlike seem to draw on young people who are completely ignorant of real Islam.

Bollocks. I'm NOT deliberately going against him to piss him off. But because life is changing.

IMHO you should change the least you can so that the children have as stable a home life as possible.

That doesn't mean never drinking alcohol and eating halal for ever, but it does mean doing it now.

Be very careful. Algeria is NOT a Hague convention country which means if he got the children back to his homeland you would not keep them. So urgently and secretly I would make sure their passports are out of his reach. You should also once you see a solicitor ask the solicitor to apply for a prohibited steps order preventing him taking the children out of the jurisdiction if you want to keep the children after divorce.

adoption.com/wiki/Algeria_and_the_Hague_Convention

I don't know. I don't think I would if he's not going to pay support and he says nothing else about the religion to them.

I'm religious and I, like most religious people I know, do apply certain parts to our life depending on our interpretation of Holy texts etc. It's rare for people to follow something to the letter but he's taking the piss majorly of you ask me.

A good friend of mine was dating a Muslim and got pregnant by him. He didn't pray, he smoked, he drank, he did drugs, he slept around, etc. He and my friend were obviously having sex since she got pregnant but when she made her vow of faith he would no longer sleep with her because it wouldn't do to defile a Muslim woman. Who was pregnant with his child. And despite all this he would get furious at her mother if she didn't remember to separate his food in the right way etc. (Long story short he and my friend both ended up in jail and my friend's mother is raising their daughter as a Christian but that's a story for another day.)

Anyway I think if he's not going to have anything to do with them anyway, not bring them up Muslim or pay extra for halal he can sod off.

I agree OP, make sure that the passports are with you. Don't bother with his religion stuff because there is point absolutely. It's just going to confuse your kids if u drop the religious stuff a year or two later. Don't worry about him. Make sure your divorce lawyer knows of all his uk assets because whether or not he's going to be providing willingly- by law he has to give everything that's 50%. So fight for every dime so u can spend it on your two lovely kids.

Carry on with halal until your children are old enough to decide otherwise / not. You do have a responsibility to do so given they were born into a (half) Muslim family. But I would let them eat non halal when at friends / out etc. Compromise called for!

So he wants you to feed them halal food and bring them up as Muslims but he is thinking about swanning off to Algeria? Hah!

MrsD
Having read your other thread I think the simple answer is keep the dcs halal until the divorce is sorted. The last thing you want is to give you ex any leverage to argue that you are being unreasonable or not sticking to agreed parenting decisions. After the divorce you can re-think.

Gosh yes, hide those passports. Do you work? Take them to work along with birth cets, and all those type of things. If he asks about them just say they're safe.

All kids documentation and all mine in fact have been made safe. Completely removed from my residence and no where he would expect them to be.

Cheeky fuck went through my bedside table today. He looked at my kindle for some reason. Which has Lundy bancrofts book on so I bet he found that interesting!!

He's looking for evidence of me cheating. Which he won't find as I haven't.

I'm so fatigued. The light at the end of the tunnel is there but still so so far away. Feels like each time it's in grasping distance he changes the game and it's further away again.
He's fucking about over money, saying he won't pay for me anymore as I'm divorcing him but I don't think I can lain anything within living here. It's hell.

Hurrah for safe docs!

As for money, mediation? They won't let him fuck about. I would get the CMS forms now, if you haven't already, get them filled in so they're ready and you can send them as soon as you need to.

Married coupled even before divorce have a legal duty to support each other so if you won't work and he does and he is not feeding you or the children etc you can apply to court for support I believe. Also it is technically possible whilst still living under the same route to separate and claim benefits from the state (and / or spousal or child support from a soon to be ex) in some cases although not always easy to prove

Spousal support is not very common and if awarded is usually phased out after a few years as the spouse is expected to become self sufficient.

shouldnt this have been thought through prior to commencing parenthood?
i am sure it must have been quite an important decision for you to consider given your different religous backgrounds?

Hmmm, are you saying that before even ttc, couples should give due consideration to what they will do if or when they split up? Do many couples do that, in your experience?

I can see that discussion going well:
Partner 1: let's ttc, it would be great to have a child, wouldn't it?
Partner 2: oh yes, I'd love to. We must talk carefully of what we'll do with children if or when we split up first though.

I would think, if my h or p were to start talking like that at that point in the relationship that he expected to split and therefore was not properly committed. So I would dump him. That may be due to my own stupidity, of course, but I'm not actually particularly stupid.

I can see that it's a strategy which could curtail reproduction; perhaps that's your fundamental agenda, realworlds ?

Boaty you sound unnecessarily glib.

I agree with realworlds

I think if two people have diametrically opposed views on important issues like religion and the religion of their children, then they shouldn't bring those children into the world. It's going to cause confusion and turmoil for children if parents are going to play a tug-of-war with their feelings.

leelu66 i so agree..it is very difficult when two people are of different religous beliefs and possibly also origins , as many different cultures are so diverse it will ultimately cause substantial difficulties throughout the life of the off spring due to different cultural choices.
this must also have a tremendous bearing upon the offspring who must find it it difficult to find a slot within the family group that pleases both parents and ultimately themselves.
as i see it one of the parents has to be submissive to the others desires or their beliefs to prevent the very same turmoil you are experiencing now.
its not about not having children , its more about thinking about the obstacles you must all overcome as family members , and whilst also including the childrens position in the midst of this .
i have no doubts at all that this will become ever more difficult as the children age and start to find their own identities.