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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore STBXH's religious beliefs

149 replies

MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 21:39

Firstly, sorry about the number of threads I'm starting right now but I am so conflicted on many levels right now!

So, STBXH is Muslim. We have so far raised the kids as such. BUT he really only eats halal and observes Ramadan.
I am filing for divorce and once it is done I see no reason to keep feeding the kids halal food.

So, in the 6 years I have know him He has NEVER attended a mosque.
He used to smoke.
We lived together and were pregnant prior to religious marriage ceremony.

I am not Muslim and I will be the resident parent.

WIBU to stop feeding them exclusively halal meat once we are divorced?

So as not to drip feed: I am prepared to continue not feeding them pork.
This is going to cause major issues and any hope of an amicable post marriage relationship will disappear.
(If I ever tell him. But if he ever asks I won't lie)

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/05/2016 22:21

I think possibly you could show some willing but be slightly vague about it? Just say to ExH that you mostly eat halal meat (if you decide to do that) but sometimes you don't/ it's a bit expensive/ difficult to find/ you're out somewhere. It doesn't have to be a strict thing if you choose otherwise.

So, do what you can towards keeping the peace on the issue of DC's diets, but also gradually let him know that he really doesn't get that much of a say anymore on what goes on in your home (as he no longer lives there)

manicinsomniac · 12/05/2016 22:27

I agree with Fourormore . I'm a teacher and see a huge difference in the happiness and well being of children with split parents who can communicate amicably and those who cannot. A good relationship with an ex is worth an awful lot more than the extra money and faff of buying special meat. I can see why you do want to do it but I really would pick your battles here.

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 22:28

Paul genuinely not my motivation.
It's not giving him the finger if he doesn't know is it?

My motivation is as a single mum it will make life slightly more complicated and expensive.
We have had to turn down invites before today and had an upset child who wants to try a burger at mcd's but always has to have fish fingers. This was sort of OK as we were a family unit but it just seems weird in a way to keep going down this road when I don't want to/need to etc.

When they want to go to nandos (using example as we were invited by friends only about 6 weeks ago and I had to say no as they can't eat anything!) and I say no what reason can I give?
Does anyone get what I mean? Why I'm asking?

It's not point scoring. I really can't decide if it's reasonable for me to make OUR lives easier when he isn't an observing Muslim. Of to continue on the off chance they decide to be Muslim when they are older...

This is not an easy choice for me. Both seem unreasonable depending how you view it

OP posts:
ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 12/05/2016 22:29

I think in this case, the potential cost of losing a change at amicable co-parenting will be much higher than the cost difference between halal meat and non halal meat.

Personally, I'ld do the halal meat at home, and then be lax re. other people's houses/parties/eating out. Just to show willing. The alternative will be much more of an inconvenience to you if this does break the relationship down.

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 22:30

I do see what your saying re keeping an amicable relationship.

I don't see how I can be vague about meat. I can with him but not really with the DC. And I'm not comfortable out right lying.

It's either all or nothing really

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 12/05/2016 22:31

That's a very difficult one. Thinking about how I'd feel if someone gave my dcs food I'd expressly asked them not to give, for whatever reason, I'd be extremely upset and all trust would be gone. It's not worth blowing any peace you have with your xh

But, there is no reason at all why you can't eat what you want. So, I think the compromise would be to provide halal versions for the dcs but not for yourself. (It's fairly easy to make halal versions of most dishes alongside non halal. Two pots, same sauce, same ingredients except one with halal chicken the other with cheapo supermarket chicken and bacon bits.).

Eventually your dcs will ask why they can't have peperoni pizza but you can, and you can explain that their father wants them only to eat halal food because that is what Muslims eat. That may well raise more questions, especially if he hasn't bothered to educate them about it. They will make their own minds up soon enough. And then you can resepct their choices rather than your xh's.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 12/05/2016 22:35

When they want to go to nandos (using example as we were invited by friends only about 6 weeks ago and I had to say no as they can't eat anything!

Nandos does vegetarian food. Everywhere does vegetarian food! That's what most halal eaters eat when the meat is unknown or not suitable. It sounds like you are determined to make this a bigger deal than it has to be.

You agreed to raise them muslim. They are muslim. It's not something you can just say, oh now you're not, I've decided, have a sausage.

wasonthelist · 12/05/2016 22:36

Some Nandos serve only Halal Chicken.

www.nandos.co.uk/halal

Although I'd rather set fire to my own face than eat there - Halal or not.

needfemaleadvice · 12/05/2016 22:36

I say do as you require. Your husband sounds like a hypocrite when it comes to children. Don't bring this up as an issue because that would make it seem like you're letting him know that you're disobeying the agreement. Just buy non-halal. Are you an atheist? You have just as much right to educate your kids on your beliefs just as much as xdh. Why should his beliefs rank above yours? This really is a non-issue and I don't think you should make it one.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2016 22:37

Is Nando's not halal? I thought it was.

I wouldn't turn down invites or make the children refuse things. I would, in the main, carry on.

needfemaleadvice · 12/05/2016 22:37

Correction: hypocrite when it comes to religion.

LotsOfShoes · 12/05/2016 22:37

Yanbu! When they're older, if they ask for halal meat, you should serve it. I don't see why they should miss out on socializing with their friends (and people do socialize over food a lot) just because your ex wants to pretend he's Muslim. That being said, I'd lie to him and say I'm still serving halal at home to keep the peace.

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 22:38

I already eat non halal when I want. I don't really agree with halal tbh. I didn't know anything about why it was different at first and was a bit upset when I learned!

I guess, your right, wait til they decide themselves. But then that leads on to.. When can the decide for themselves?

Ugh, my mind is going round in circles on this one.

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 12/05/2016 22:39

OP, what are your beliefs (I include atheism in that question).

Is this the only thing where there will be differences? The children will have two homes so I think it's fair enough if different things occur.

Re Nando's, you know many of them only do halal meat?

also, with anything like meals out, you can ask the kids to eat veggie surely? That will make your life easier if you do decide to stick with the halal thing.

Limer · 12/05/2016 22:39

If your STBXH doesn't attend mosque and breaks/has broken all the other rules, he doesn't have any religious beliefs to speak of. So how can he impose anything like this on his children?

Just quietly do it.

WriteforFun1 · 12/05/2016 22:41

And "You agreed to raise them muslim. They are muslim"

well no, they aren't muslim just because someone has decreed they are, they are 4 and 21 months.

The OP might have "agreed" to it but does everyone really stick to all agreements made on this sort of issue? Especially something where ultimately the children will decide for themselves anyway?

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/05/2016 22:41

IME that's unusually strict wrt halal meat. My dad is Muslim and buys everything from Tesco without worrying about it Blush plus I've worked with many Muslim colleagues and they have routinely ordered dishes with meat in non-halal establishments.

Could you just lie to your ex and say you have halal meat at home?

Pangurban1 · 12/05/2016 22:41

If it was something really admirable like meat reared with a good level of animal welfare, that would be quite a moral thing to try to adhere to.

As for magic words said over the animal to satisfy someone's made up rules, not so much. Whisper abracadabra yourself over the burger.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/05/2016 22:42

Have you posted this before OP? I think I remember a similar to identical post recently.Confused

WriteforFun1 · 12/05/2016 22:42

OP "When can the decide for themselves?"

well I was 8 when I told my parents I wasn't leaving the house to go to their place of worship with them and couldn't they please let me sit with next door....

Inertia · 12/05/2016 22:43

I think I'd put the feelings of your children first and start allowing them to attend parties with their friends, and eat what you feel is appropriate while they are with you.

It's all very well for your Ex to try to insist that you adhere to his religion- but that was an agreement made while you were married, and you were clear that all aspects of religion were his responsibility. It sounds like he didn't even bother to do that while he lived with you all, so it'd be a bit hypocritical for him to insist that you do the hard work of raising children in a faith that he doesn't even adhere to himself.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 12/05/2016 22:43

It's not giving him the finger if he doesn't know is it?

It is if you're deliberately going against what he wants for no valid reason. The cost of halal is not valid as there is barely, if any, difference cost wise nowadays.

WriteforFun1 · 12/05/2016 22:44

The other thing that strikes me is that you yourself are upset about the way halal meat is so it's a conflict for you there too.

What is your relationship with the ex like - if it's going to be fraught anyway, there's an argument that it doesn't make a difference. But equally I see the keeping the peace argument. if you are worried about bills can he pay more?

fuzzywuzzy · 12/05/2016 22:49

Have you posted this before?

Previous thread general consensus was depending on how children feel let them eat what they want, it's nice of you to avoid pork in the home.

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 22:49

But I'm deliberately going against it just to piss him off.

Of course it is deliberate in that I do it actively but I also promised to not bring alcohol into our home, not to let others bring alcohol into our home. I was asked to cover up a little more and other things that were agreed upon by us during our marriage.
Do I have to continue to abide by all these things as well?
Or am I then deliberately going against him, when he will be divorced?

OP posts:
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