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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think in a way it's easier without dh

135 replies

mylittlearmy · 12/05/2016 04:03

Just that really normally have really bad depression and anxiety. I work with dh and he went away on a trip yesterday . At work I could talk to people without him having a go at me. I had a nice relaxed journey home and then had a relaxed evening with no one moaning I hadn't done something or shouting because he lost a game or the kids were loud etc

I feel incredibly guilty that I have enjoyed the day and felt so relaxed! AIBU to think that emotionally at least it is easier without dh ?

OP posts:
LisaMed · 13/05/2016 13:46

I think you need to call the cb people themselves, make sure you are clear that they are not to contact your husband.

Sending hugs, this must be very difficult for you.

WellErrr · 13/05/2016 14:03

Well done on emailing WA Flowers

Remember when he wakes you up pestering you you can say no as many times as you like, for no reason other than because you dont want to. You don't need an excuse.

You're doing really well. Little steps.

Do you have your own bank account?

Original poster
mylittlearmy · 13/05/2016 14:07

Wellerr I do have my own bank account it has nothing in but it is there!

Last night I repeatedly said I wasn't going to do anything so he just waited until I fell asleep which i also hate.

I called child benefit about changing the account it goes to but they said I couldn't do anything as its not in my name?

OP posts:
WellErrr · 13/05/2016 14:52

Do you mean he waited until you were asleep and then did it anyway?

Have you heard back from WA?

I'm not sure about the CB, but there must be some way of changing it in an abusive relationship. Did you ask WA?

Original poster
mylittlearmy · 13/05/2016 14:55

Yes wellerr (obviously I wake up when he does this - I am a heavy sleeper but not THAT heavy!)

I didn't think to ask about the child benefit in the email. They said if I want to make changes he would have to add Me to the account or something .

OP posts:
WellErrr · 13/05/2016 15:13

That's awful. I'm so sorry Flowers

You know you NEED to leave this man? Regular rape is not normal or OK. But I think you do know that now.

I really hope WA get back to you soon.

Did you ever tell him that what he is doing is legally considered rape? Honestly I think that you should report him, but I know you may find that difficult at the moment Flowers

Janecc · 13/05/2016 15:55

So he raped you!! Angry. Oh my goodness please please look after yourself. This is not normal. I hope you get some help really soon. Flowers

Janecc · 13/05/2016 15:57

Please please seriously consider talking to the police. You and your children deserve sooo much more.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2016 15:57

This man is so abusive. Please keep in contact with WA and try to get yourself safe. Flowers

MessyBun247 · 13/05/2016 16:02

Oh my god that is awful! That is NOT normal at all. Disgusting excuse for a man.
Keep yourself safe please and get out ASAP Flowers thinking of you.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/05/2016 16:05

Your above post about him raping you whilst you're asleep made me feel sick.

Please, please leave this monster. I can't believe such vile, disgusting men can exist.

Nobody deserves to live like you are OP.

I haven't read your previous threads but based on the rape post above I'm pretty sure i would find them very upsetting.

Please get out.

MessyBun247 · 13/05/2016 16:07

OP you are well within your rights to call the police and report him for rape. How dare he violate you when you are sleeping Angry.

Original poster
mylittlearmy · 13/05/2016 16:17

Sorry I should clarify I woke up when he started trying not after. It wasn't that i was asleep when he had sex with me.

OP posts:
MessyBun247 · 13/05/2016 16:21

You said you weren't going to do anything. So he waited until you were asleep and had let your guard down. He still forced himself on you against your will.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2016 16:25

Did he have your clear consent to have sex? If not, it doesn't make a difference when you woke up. He knew you didn't want to have sex. That's rape. So so sorry you are having to deal with this.

WellErrr · 13/05/2016 16:38

It's the same as before. 20 refusals then being finally forced into it is not consent.

I hope he was at least not forcing you to do it the way you so dislike Sad

No one here is overreacting. It IS rape. And I'm so, so sorry for you.

Do you have a spare room you can go in and bar the door? Or can you get in with the children? I know that what you need to do is leave but you need some protection from being raped by this twat in the meantime.

Janecc · 13/05/2016 16:38

I woke up when he started trying.

Are you meaning that he was caressing you and preparing your body for penetration and his actions woke you up? At this point, you weren't in a position to necessarily say no. Did you want to say no? Because this still sounds like him forcing himself on to you.

Rezolution123 · 13/05/2016 16:48

mylittlearmy Has he always been this bad? Or has it grown worse over the years. You must be a saint to put up with him AND have six kids by him. Have you only just realised what a controlling man he is?

Original poster
mylittlearmy · 13/05/2016 16:52

That's what i meant yes jannec.

No I would say it's been the last two years and especially since I got pregnant with the last Dc ( we have been together 16 years ish) before that I can't remember this kind of thing being an issue. He has always been stubborn but not in an unpleasant way until he last couple of years.

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlearmy · 13/05/2016 16:54

He had some medical tests lately and today had a letter asking him to go and see the doctor urgently for the results so I feel a bit guilty for being unsupportive now. Especially as he has been texting me telling me happily about his trip away.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 13/05/2016 17:18

Abusers aren't awful all the time.

They can't be, no one would put up with it.

Please don't feel guilty. I'm sure he doesn't feel guilty after raping you. You did speak to him, IIRC, about how bad it made you feel and asking if he would stop? And he hasn't?

He knows how bad it makes you feel. It's not just normal sex. He knows it's unpleasant for you and you hate it. And he still forces you into it.

Don't waste your pity on him b

WellErrr · 13/05/2016 20:57

How are you getting on? Smile

IonaNE · 13/05/2016 21:21

OP, you are being abused. Emotionally, sexually and financially.
Well done for contacting Women's Aid. Please don't let it drop.
You are not "getting a house to live in" out of this relationship. You have young children and you said your husband has never looked after all of them at the same time. This means that if you separate, you will be the resident parent. The Council will have to house you. You will also get Child Benefit and other benefits, enough to live on until your youngest is at school. TBH at this point I would not so much look for another job but put my efforts into getting away from your abuser. I am also sure that your depression and anxiety would improve once you were away from him.

Janecc · 13/05/2016 22:10

From your answer, yes, he raped you. And as wellErr said, I'm sure he feels no guilt for doing this. You have nothing to feel guilty about where this man is concerned. He's a monster. And you really really need to get as far away as possible from him. Sad

Original poster
mylittlearmy · 14/05/2016 08:54

Thanks wellerr I did speak to him many times but he doesn't see the problem. Like yesterday he said he thought I was half awake. Or he just says I am being unreasonable and getting upset then I end up apologising to him for upsetting him somehow.

Women's aid haven't replied yet but it says it will take up to 5 days.

We are having a house inspection from the landlord on Tuesday which sends me into a real anxious spiral every six months, I have been cleaning and tidying for 2 hours already!

Dh is still in bed, I put the baby in bed with me last night he doesn't try anything with her in the bed (obviously)

OP posts:
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