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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that you don't call after 9pm just for a chat

149 replies

MummaGiles · 11/05/2016 21:50

I am donning my hard hat.

My PIL seem to think that it is fine to call at 9.30 on a week night just for a chat and a catch up at least once a month (this isn't the only time we talk to them). Every time they do it we answer asking if everything is ok, because you'd think that if someone was calling at that time something might be wrong. But they don't seem to get the message. AIBU to get irritated by this?

OP posts:

NKFell · 12/05/2016 16:16

It must be a lifestyle thing- that would be a perfect time to call me!

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 12/05/2016 16:26

LeaLeander how may etiquette books have you read???

Alohamora · 12/05/2016 16:28

A friend called us at 10:20pm last night asking if he could pop round. He arrived a short time later and stayed for an hour . We're helping him with a big move and he's stressed out his head so didn't mind him coming round.

LeaLeander · 12/05/2016 16:38

Harold, I've collected etiquette books since about 1980. I own roughly 50 ranging from the late 1800s to present day and have read many others on loan from various libraries and collections. Once the telephone became a normal household appliance, about 100 years ago, the books began addressing calling etiquette.

Of course at first it was assumed that anyone reading an etiquette book had a maid or butler to deal with calls and take messages, so the instructions were for the servants rather than the members of the household. But books published during and after the Depression, when "the masses" began to take an interest in good manners and decorum, generally suggest no non-emergency calls after 8 p.m. or 9 p.m., depending on the era. That held true right up to the early 2000s but the ubiquity of the smartphone and texting has changed common practices.

I personally still don't want calls or texts after 9 p.m. unless the matter is urgent.

KatharinaRosalie · 12/05/2016 16:44

9.30 is the earliers you should ever call me. At 6 I'm either at work or picking up the kids. Then it's cooking, then dinner time, then DC2 goes to bed at 8, DC1 at 9. I have no time to sit and chat before that - unless you actually want to have conversation a la :'So and then she said ...NOOOOO come away from there!...well, she said that..yes, yes I heard you need a pee, go then!...well, anyway..

But I have also informed people accordingly. Not hinted. Told them. If that doesn't work, unplug/put phone on silent.

manicinsomniac · 12/05/2016 16:48

It wouldn't even occur to me that an adult would be in bed at 9.30pm!

YANBU if it doesn't suit you but I think you would need to tell her, not expect her to think of it as an unsociable hour automatically.

ShelaghTurner · 12/05/2016 17:00

I'd much rather someone rang after 9pm for a chat than between 7 and 9 when I'm dealing with baths and bedtimes. I know my mother stays up very late though so if I get a late phone call I don't worry.

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2016 17:01

Lealander I've got a wonderful book of ettiquette for young women from the 1920s/30s called 'The Bridal Path'. Disappointingly not so much about catching your man but all about weddings and how to be a handmaiden set up home afterwards.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 12/05/2016 17:08

YANBU. My dad does this but even later, drives me nuts. As far as I'm concerned I'm shut off from the outside world after 8pm, that's the way I like it!

LeaLeander · 12/05/2016 17:13

That sounds interesting, BarbarianMum!

As to bed before 9:30 - well, I'm an adult and I often get up at 5 a.m. or even 4:30 to work on my side business before going to my salaried job. I try to be asleep by 10:30 which means washed up, settled down and in bed by 9:30. I know people who actually leave their homes at 4:30 a.m. - three people spring to mind immediately - in order to get to work by 6 a.m. or earlier starting times. So it's hardly farfetched that busy, healthy adults might not want to be disturbed after 8 or 9 p.m.

mrsc118 · 12/05/2016 17:24

Anything after 8pm best be an emergency as I have a 3 year old and 10 month old. I'd never call anyone unless an emergency after 9pm.

sharknad0 · 12/05/2016 17:27

It wouldn't even occur to me that an adult would be in bed at 9.30pm!

my fit friends ( I am not one of them ) tend to be up between 4 and 5am to have time to exercise and train for various races, marathons and competitions before going to work. I know quite a few people who are back from work between 9 and 10, have a shower and straight to bed.

blinkowl · 12/05/2016 17:38

"9.30 is the earliers you should ever call me."

I'm with you on that one. If you call me before then you'll find me in the middle if something (work / picking up kids / dinner / bedtimes). I have no time for a chat.

The people on this thread who have time to chat before 7 must lead very different lives!

Sallystyle · 12/05/2016 17:58

I wouldn't call my in-laws after 8.30pm because they are early to bed but I will call my mum up to 11.00pm.

People who know me well know I'm a night owl. My children always slept through anything so a phone call wouldn't disturb them.

If I didn't know the person well then I wouldn't personally call after 9.00pm just in case but for me 9.00pm the evening has just started.

KayTee87 · 12/05/2016 17:59

Well I'm not sure age matters but I'm 28 and find things like this annoying. We go to bed at 10 as we're up early. My MIL has been known to phone at 11 and wake us up, even 9.30 is too late for a catch up, I'm getting ready for bed at this point or maybe watching the end of a programme.
Everyone does have different lifestyles but presumably they know yours and don't care? My DH has said to mil the times she's woken us up that we were sleeping and she's responded with 'what already?'

Billben · 12/05/2016 18:20

It better be an emergency if you ring my house after 9. My evenings are for me to wind down. I go to bed early and wake up early. My MIL used to ring at 5pm fully knowing we always have dinner at around that time to fit Brownies, Rainbows, swimming etc. in from 6 o'clock. I just used to unplug the phone. And often "accidentally" left it unplugged for days. If it was an emergency, they could ring our mobiles. She got the message after a while.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2016 18:48

Horses for courses innit.

FWIW I'm another one who doesn't want to rung for anything less than imminent deatg while I'm trying to get the kids down to sleep.

9.30 would be the perfect time to ring me for a chat (if I had the remotest passing interest in the tedium of other people's lives.)

JessieMcJessie · 12/05/2016 19:46

Sandymcsandface why let texts received early in the morning annoy you? Just disable the audible text alert when you go to bed. Read the texts when you are ready. I can't imagine anyone who would text at 5 or 7 am expecting an immediate response; they'll just be sending the message while they remember, and expecting you to reply in your own time, surely? In fact I would NEVER text when I want an immediate response as I generally assume people don't use the text alerts on their phones. I also send messages to my friends overseas that will arrive during their nights (and they vice versa to me) and nobody has ever complained of being woken up.

JessieMcJessie · 12/05/2016 19:48

SaucyJack presumably you mean that you have no interest in the tedium of the lives of people you know? Since MN is pretty much entirely about the tedium of other people's lives, and you seem to be fairly interested in it!

magratvonlipwig · 12/05/2016 20:00

Personally I think after 10 is emergencies , before 10 is just the evening.
But I think you should say if you think 9.30 is too late. How are they supposed to know if you don't tell them and they think it's normal. As I would! !

Orda1 · 12/05/2016 20:06

Some called me at 9.30 the other day and I was fuming. You don't call after 9 unless it's an emergency! I'm well under 30, I thought everyone knew this.

KittensandKnitting · 12/05/2016 20:19

Retraining is required...

In my single days my mum would call for a chat at 8am on a Saturday/Sunday

She is a morning person I fall firmly in the night owl camp...

She works from home, I work from home so now we talk at the weekend if we catch each other or about 5pm during the week - it's perfect for us :)

Inlaws call at sporadic hours.. DP always ignores if inconvenient :)

We don't even have a landline. If one persons phone rings followed by the other then we panic and think someone's died...

It's usually because DP may have avoided asks from IL for a week month

gotthearse · 12/05/2016 20:57

YABU. They are not psychic. So just tell them. They won't mind.

Amummyatlast · 12/05/2016 21:11

I don't want to speak to anyone during the week. If they call at 6pm I'm giving DD dinner. If the call at 7pm I am trying to get DD to sleep. If they call at 8pm I have probably only just got DD to sleep and I want to eat or watch TV. If they call at 9pm I'm winding down for bed.

Weekends only please. And during sensible hours.

Hurryhurryhurry · 12/05/2016 21:14

Yanbu.
But I would think that at any time of the day as I hate chatting on the phone.

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