To think that you don't call after 9pm just for a chat

[MummaGiles]

I am donning my hard hat.

My PIL seem to think that it is fine to call at 9.30 on a week night just for a chat and a catch up at least once a month (this isn't the only time we talk to them). Every time they do it we answer asking if everything is ok, because you'd think that if someone was calling at that time something might be wrong. But they don't seem to get the message. AIBU to get irritated by this?

I personally wouldn't call someone after 6pm unless it's urgent. After six I think people mentally clock off.

I find this attitude hard to understand and really sad. People are working during the day, and don't have the time to chat - evenings are when you can catch up on news!! When do you talk to friends and family?

Don't answer.

DM phones at 5.30. When I'm wrangling tired and hungry DC. . I've even told her not to. She says she doesn't want to ring later when DH is home as I'll want to talk to him . I swear sometimes she lives in some weird 1950s universe.

My DP's mother likes to drop in after 8.30pm - sometimes she has turned up after 9.30pm! My DP goes to bed at 9pm. It's not very considerate but she's retired and I think she's forgotten some of us have to work!

We don't phone anyone before 6 unless it's absolutely necessary. Mainly because it's cheaper in the evenings if you are using a landline.

It's too late, especially when they know your lifestyle (family), or people you don't know so well shouldn't be calling at that hour for a chat.
I solved it by telling a repeat offender that I was just in bed and if they were happy, I'd give them a quick call in the morning when I was having my breakfast. I had a very grumpy response the following morning when I called bright and early at 0515 for a catchup. It didn't happen again. Perhaps I was unreasonable but 0515 is not a time to call people either. No calls before 0900 or after 2100. That still leaves a 12 hour window.

is anyone else reminded of and the "cut off" debate?

I speak on the phone to my aumt who is in her 80s once or twice a week, we never call each other before 9pm unless she is going out and will call through the day! (she has a better social life than anyone I know )
By then we both have time to sit and natter for an hour, suits us fine.

I personaly dont think 9pm is late but another night owl here, early to bed is before midnight for me. Wouldnt want to have to answer the phone when I am doing homework with ds's, orgainising bedtimes etc so 6-8pm is a no-no for me.

Plus if I want to talk to someone I want to do it in comfort not in transit (although I work from home so that wouldnt work for me )

I'd not be terribly keen on this arrangement, but as many have noted you can't weigh this in a vacuum. My husband is a night-owl and very chatty in the evening, he wouldn't think anything of someone calling him just to say hi at 9.30.

It is the same way my father thought nothing of calling at 8am on a Saturday morning when I was single. I would be asleep.
But if you have young kids, 8am on a Saturday might be fine. There is no wrong or right time to ring. There is a wrong or right time for your lifestyle. You need to communicate what is okay and what is not.

Why don't you beat them to it and ring them earlier on? Say something like, "We are having an early night and didn't want to miss your call" They will have horrific images of you being in the throws of passion and will never ring at 9.30 again!

or even 'throes"

I rarely have time to chat before the kids are in bed by 9pm, so I would rather someone called me later to chat.

Every household has its own rules.
My mum calls me after 9.30pm, though usually before 10.30pm I would think someone had died if she called me that late all the time. She knows we will have finished all our work for the day, be sitting with a glass of wine probably. Yes it interrupts my FB time/telly watching but it's my mum so I don't mind. I take the phone into another room, so my dh doesn't need to be subjected to our wittering and giggles.
We don't call my 79 yo mil after 9. She goes to bed and is on the phone to her boyfriend then. For an hour, everynight.
Our customers are elderly and we apologise profusely if we need to call them after 7.30pm
Everyone else is on messenger/text......so don't actually have real conversations with them unless we are together.......quite sad when you think about it.........changed days.

For fucking years my FIL would ring at seven. He never got it, even when DH told him, that seven pm was the kids bedtimes. Even now if DH doesn't answer the first time he will ask him why. Er eating dinner, homework, stop fucking ringing several times a week.

OMG......have you ever thought they may be lonely....or just love you?! You sound so ungrateful. I wish that I had parents in law, sadly both mine died a couple of years ago....and my parents are not here either. My children have never really known the joy of grandparents.......God I'm so glad that your not my in-laws. Let's hope when you get old your children don;t say this about you. I am disgusted!

I think it all depends on your own situation, which PILs should be aware of.

When calling a landline I'd always take standard bedtimes and/or small children into consideration, and 21:00 does seem like a reasonable cut off.

I don't see the problem with calling a mobile at any time really. You don't have to answer and can always switch it onto silent mode or turn it off completely. I'm sure anyone calling with a serious message would leave a voicemail or text message asking you to return the call ASAP.

I'm not usually free to talk before 21:00 and hate getting calls between 18:00-21:00! DC is a night owl so 21:00 is the earliest I can escape following dinner, bathtime and bedtime. This often means missing the chance to chat to PILs, who have a "No calls after 21:00" rule. During the week I usually text or WhatsApp my MIL if we need to communicate, or email for something less urgent. My parents are fair game at almost any time as my dad is a serious night owl too. He doesn't use his mobile much so I do call the landline - luckily my mum seems to sleep through it!

Talk to your PILs, OP. Or start leaving the phone off the hook!

There is no time when a parent in law, particularly a mother in law can ring that is not inconvenient. However, if they don't ring they are cold and uninterested.

Yabu. I would love one more phone call with my pil. Suck it up. You won't have them forever

I think the only way to change the time is to pre empt their call and for you to call them yourselves at a time that suits you.

Calm down, Lorraine46. Love doesn't mean it isn't too much or intrusive . And FYI I have no parents and never did.

And my children will be fine as I'll let them live their own lives without ringing them several times a week at inconvenient times to talk about nothing, repeatedly.

Ha Ha. We don't eat dinner till 9 ish and then watch something on tv. the only person who would call landline is my elderly FIL (who speaks to DH every night); otherwise it is just cold callers. He knows to call a bit before 9. People call or text on mobile any time of day or night though.

YABVU purely because you expect them to be mind readers.

So many threads are about 'not taking the hint' - why should people be expected to take the hint? Just tell them. You're not condemning them to the hangman or anything.

Ask you DH or do it yourself and be honest - no hinting. We love catching up however as we are usually winding down and getting ready to go to bed at that time, please could we have our chats earlier - say 'x' time? We're going to switch off our ringer on the landline from 9pm and if there's an emergency, we can still be contacted on our mobiles.

and then actually do that if it's so annoying to get calls that late.

PS 9:30pm is totally OK for me as I'm a night owl and everyone who knows me, knows this. There is no reasonable or unreasonable time to call people - it depends on personal habits and as you are early sleepers, then it is for you but it is not reasonable to expect people to know that from hints.

I try not to call or text after 9pm or before 9am. I keep getting texts at 5am and 7am - grr.

All our social phone calls happen b/w 9pm and 10pm. 9pm is when all kid stuff/activities are done and we sit down for the evening. If you don't like it say so but (as far as I'm aware) there is no universally agreed rule that 9pm is the cut off.

DMil (and she really is dear) used to wake us up at 8am every weekend to have a chat. She'd always start by saying "I hope I haven't woken you up" After weeks of being told "Yes, you have" dh replied "actual mum could you ring back in half an hour, we were just having sex" which cured the problem.

Actually in most etiquette books I've read over the years, the general rule is to not call before 9 a.m. or after 9 p.m. Of course, most of those were written before people lived with a smartphone all but glued to the palms of their hands.

Here's a Miss Manners piece that reminds readers the onus is on the caller to be alert to cues & make sure he/she is not disturbing the callee.

articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-02-26/features/8601150133_1_dinner-hour-dear-miss-manners-friends