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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you don't call after 9pm just for a chat

149 replies

MummaGiles · 11/05/2016 21:50

I am donning my hard hat.

My PIL seem to think that it is fine to call at 9.30 on a week night just for a chat and a catch up at least once a month (this isn't the only time we talk to them). Every time they do it we answer asking if everything is ok, because you'd think that if someone was calling at that time something might be wrong. But they don't seem to get the message. AIBU to get irritated by this?

OP posts:
UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 11/05/2016 23:06

I always thought the 'polite' cut-off was about 9pm. The only person who used to call late was my dad - he always was a night owl. He remembered me from my youthful, studenty days when I was up till all hours, and 11.30pm was a fine time to call. When I had babies though - not so good. I didn't mind though, because it was my dad.

Monkeypuzzlesandwich · 11/05/2016 23:06

I personally wouldn't call someone after 6pm unless it's urgent. After six I think people mentally clock off.

VenusRising · 11/05/2016 23:07

I also say "omg, is everything alright? Who's died?"
It does get the hint across without having to spell it out.

I also spell it out that after 10pm is just too, too late. I'm over 35, well over it actually.
I don't even want to talk to my DH after that Shock Blush except going over plans or arrangements for the next day. Couldn't handle conversation, or news.
I love to wind down, just brush teeth and head off to bed.
I love bed!

nobilityobliges · 11/05/2016 23:08

YABU - not for not wanting to talk at 9.30 but for not telling your PIL that you'd rather talk earlier.

sharknad0 · 11/05/2016 23:10

It's rude to call after 7pm!?! But that's when many get home from work?

Many people don't come home before 8 or 9, but that wouldn't make it right to disturb someone. I think it's also the time when many people have diner, or put their kids to beds. In the age of emails or texts, it's even rudder because it's unnecessary to disturb someone who is not close family or friend!

MyNewBearTotoro · 11/05/2016 23:13

I wouldn't mind this. I only think they're being unreasonable if you've explicitly asked them not to ring past a certain time (eg: 9pm) but they're continuing it.

If all you've done is hint then YABU. Unfortunately the problem with trying to hint something is that sometimes the other person misses the hint completely. If they've been ringing at that time for ages and never actually been told it doesn't suit you they probably have no idea it's not a good time. They might well think that it's after your DC is in bed, every time they call at that time you're free to chat and never say it's nconvenient and so it must be a good time.

You need to tell them, politely and clearly, that the time doesn't suit and give them an indication of what kind of time would be best.

peggyundercrackers · 11/05/2016 23:17

I don't see a problem with that, I normally call friends between 9pm and 10:30 pm, sometimes later.

ladymariner · 11/05/2016 23:18

After six I think people mentally clock off.

Since when did family or friends calling for a chat class as work or as a problem?? I think this attitude is really sad, and is probably one of the reasons many people feel isolated and cut off from their families.

DailyMailShite · 11/05/2016 23:20

Umm, haven't you heard of call display?

Problem solved. Smile

To think that you don't call after 9pm just for a chat
blinkowl · 11/05/2016 23:22

My family and regularly call each other between 10 and midnight for a chat.

My GP were the same.

MIL's cut off is about 10:30 as she likes to go for her bath then.

For friends I'll text and ask if they're up if I need to call late.

So YANBU it depend who you're calling, how well you know them and whether they're a night owl or not.

If I didn't call people after 9 i'd hardly ever talk to them - I often haven't had dinner at 9.

DancingDinosaur · 11/05/2016 23:23

I don't think its too late. 11.30 is pushing it a bit but before that is fine. I just don't pick up if I'm not in the mood. Turn the ringer down or something.

blinkowl · 11/05/2016 23:25

"I personally wouldn't call someone after 6pm unless it's urgent. After six I think people mentally clock off."

I'm BUSY before 6! 19 is the perfect time to call me.

At 6 I'll be not long in from work and dealing with two excitable DC, and hearing up for their bedtime. I don't have time to chat!

blinkowl · 11/05/2016 23:26

*gearing not hearing!

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/05/2016 23:27

Yanbu

I'm 27 and resent "just calling for a chat" phonecalls after about 8. Generally speaking I think, as I look at my phone and consider whether to answer or not "how likely is it someone is seriously ill/has died?".

bumblefeline · 11/05/2016 23:32

I don't think it is too early, but I am a night owl.

9.00pm is early evening to me,

But if it is to late for you, don't answer.

Monkeypuzzlesandwich · 11/05/2016 23:38

blink If you are dealing with sorting out young kids after a hard days work how do you have the energy to want to chat with someone at 9?? I would be making those chit chat calls on the way home from work if I were you.

2catsnowaiting · 11/05/2016 23:42

I think it would be reasonable to explain that you would prefer her to ring earlier.

But I don't think it's that reasonable to expect people to be mind-readers as to your habits. I am always up until midnight, 9pm would be about the first chance after bedtime I would get to actually sit down and have a chat to be honest. I have to remind myself that others go to bed earlier than me and try not to phone or text people late in the evening. Similarly, I have received texts at 6 am from people who have early rising kids. If you've been up for an hour, it seems reasonable to text someone. I have often text someone on a weekend at 7.30, forgetting that some people still have a lie-in on the weekend.

gasman · 11/05/2016 23:44

This is totally family specific.

My family are all night owls. Anything up to midnight is game. Even to my elderly grandparents.

Anything before 10am at the weekend is not though!

JessieMcJessie · 12/05/2016 00:19

What's the problem with them putting their phone on speaker? Much better than having to repeat yourself when one passes the phone to the other, surely?

blinkowl · 12/05/2016 00:49

"blink If you are dealing with sorting out young kids after a hard days work how do you have the energy to want to chat with someone at 9?? I would be making those chit chat calls on the way home from work if I were you"

On a work day I travel home with my DD (she goes to nursery near my work so we travel in together). I pick my DS up from the CMs, home for about 6.

No time to chat on the phone! My eldest is 7 and is in bed by 8 if I'm lucky but he's also a night owl and often doesn't get to sleep for ages. I'm often still dealing with him at gone nine.

Then my other half cooks for us, we often eat between 9:30 and 10. Then at 10, yes I am ready for a chat. It will often be the first time I have to myself all day that's not working, commuting or dealing with DC. I don't often chat on the phone in the evenings, I'd like to more, but if I do chat, that's the right time for me.

I go to bed usually between 12 and 1.

Beeziekn33ze · 12/05/2016 01:01

Gasman - well put, I like 'family specific' .
Blindingly obvious that families are all different, OP just needs to spell it out to PiLs that she prefers a bit earlier.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 12/05/2016 01:01

PILs tend to call our house late (9:30pm would be early for them) for a chat.

It annoys me, as I'm in the don't call after 9pm unless it's an emergency camp.

But I blame DH more than PILs for this. He will happily answer the phone at 11pm and chatter away to his parents for an hour, and DH also regularly rings them for a lengthy chat about nothing in particular at what I consider to be a rudely late hour. So no chance getting them to change their habits and call earlier.

blinkowl · 12/05/2016 01:53

"But I blame DH more than PILs for this. He will happily answer the phone at 11pm and chatter away to his parents for an hour, "

WTF?

What do you mean you "blame him"?

If he wants to chat to his own parents at 11pm - or 2am for that matter, that's up to them. Why on earth should they change it, it's hot hurting you is it?

MrsJoeyMaynard · 12/05/2016 01:58

Because it wakes me up and disrupts my sleep when PILs call late, that's why. Which does affect me and how I feel the next day.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 12/05/2016 02:03

And I'm up now because DS1 and DS2 have been doing tag team night wakings tonight. Not because I'm a night owl who likes staying up till 2am.