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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that you don't call after 9pm just for a chat

149 replies

MummaGiles · 11/05/2016 21:50

I am donning my hard hat.

My PIL seem to think that it is fine to call at 9.30 on a week night just for a chat and a catch up at least once a month (this isn't the only time we talk to them). Every time they do it we answer asking if everything is ok, because you'd think that if someone was calling at that time something might be wrong. But they don't seem to get the message. AIBU to get irritated by this?

OP posts:

Atenco · 12/05/2016 21:38

I see everyone has their own rules. I was brought up to believe that the cut-off point for non-emergency phone calls was ten.

And I would have a problem phoning people who work and have a small child much earlier as I would imagine they could be having dinner, bathing the child, putting said child to bed, so 9:30 sounds decent to me.

ladymariner · 12/05/2016 23:51

Finding parts of this thread really depressing.....posters saying they'd unplug the phone for several days in order to stop their mil phoning at 5pm, that's bloody horrible.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/05/2016 23:57

YABU OP, let your DP talk to their parents or not. It's not up to you.

openerofjars · 13/05/2016 07:58

My FIL was a baker so he can't sleep past 5am and he gets bored waiting for MIL to wake up, so he quite often calls us at 7am for a chat. Love him to bits, but we sleep in the attic, the landline is in the living room & he doesn't like calling mobile phones for some reason. He can't fathom that we're in bed, in the shower or getting the kids up for school at that time (Apart from today, obv, when I can't be bothered to get up & will be running round like a fool later) and thinks everyone else is a bit lazy. But then he goes to bed about 8pm as a result & gets funny if you call after then. Families, pfft.

chilipepper20 · 13/05/2016 10:19

Families, pfft.

Indeed. What we have noticed is that other families' problems are absolutely mystifying, but our own families - that's just history with all sorts of good explanations.

I'd say people, pfft. You notice it on this thread. I find it odd that people think there is some time set in stone when you don't call. If anything is learned from this thread it's that different homes are all different on this issue. Surely it depends on the family. We are perfectly happy to receive calls much later than 9:30 and it's perfectly fine to be a family that goes to bed at 8. just tell all the relevant people!

anniroc · 13/05/2016 10:24

Can't you just arrange a convenient time / day for them to call? Say Sunday at 8pm? My OH has done this with his family for years.

Monkeymonstermum · 13/05/2016 12:58

I think YABU if you don't want people to ring the landline because it is noisy for your DC! The worst thing you can do is creep around children - all my friends who do that have children that are dreadful sleepers whereas the ones that go about life as normal have much better sleepers.

On the timing - I think 9:30 is fine - I would say past 10 is getting too late. But surely they want to speak to your DH anyway not you so there is nothing stopping you going on to bed.

Saramel · 13/05/2016 14:04

I think it is sad that, if I have read your post properly, we are talking about once a month for a catch up. Sounds a bit intolerant to me. However, if it really bothers you, ask them to ring at a time when it doesn't. To those who think it is unreasonable to chat on the landline, many of the older generation are only accustomed to the landline as it was all they had when they were younger and often don't have a mobile with inclusive minutes so it is very expensive.

KellyElly · 13/05/2016 14:45

I don't give my landline number to anyone. If anyone calls after 9.30pm on my mobile it's usually for something important or they have had one glass too many of wine. Never just for a chat at that time.

ExtremelyChaotic · 13/05/2016 17:16

My in laws used to call at all hours which was fine - if not slightly annoying at times - before our daughter was born. We have a phone in our bedroom so when our daughter was in her crib in our room it would wake her up, and also usually me as I was breast feeding and shattered! That REALLY annoyed me.

My favourite example was when mum phoned at 10.45pm just to ask "What Colleen Rooney had."! I hadn't even known she was pregnant! And, going through the four month sleep regression at that point could not have cared less! I put my foot down after that and said if they HAD to phone after 8pm phone hubby's mobile which is always on silent and NOT the landline.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a call on the landline at 10.45pm if it's an emergency but stupid questions like that at those kind of times was getting to be a regular occurrence. It took them a while to get the message but it has improved a lot!

If you have babies or young children in the house I don't think it is unreasonable to ask people not to phone your landline after a certain time. Feel free to phone your mobile and then you can answer or they can leave a message and you can get back to them when it suits you.

ExtremelyChaotic · 13/05/2016 17:18

To add, they were phoning every night - sometimes multiple times with daft queries that could have waited for a more appropriate time - i.e. NOT at 10.45pm!!!

iMogster · 13/05/2016 19:06

I think if it's once a month it's ok. Tell them straight, if you want them to call earlier. A lot of people don't take hints. I go to bed at 10pm, but my older relatives don't go to bed until 12am and don't realise.

I am in a lot in the day and love to chat then. My DM and DMiL usually chat for an hour or so. I personally find it annoying to answer the phone at any time in the evening. I am busy all day and only get an hour-ish to relax in the evening. If someone 'takes' that hour, then I have had no chill out all day.

m0therofdragons · 13/05/2016 19:15

Gosh I usually speak to dm after 9.30pm, sometimes after 10pm. I guess it depends what kind of person you are. Dm gets annoyed if people call her in the morning. We're all night owls so as long as it's before midnight it's fine. You do realise you don't have to answer the phone if it's not convenient?

Mil used to always call at 7pm when we have 3 young dc to get to bed. Phone got ignored and eventually she got the message.

Sara107 · 13/05/2016 19:29

For family I find anything up to 10pm fine. Non family up to 9.30, perfectly normal and reasonable.that is evening not night! Far more annoying are people who call early evening when we are having dinner, putting DD to bed etc. But about 8 til 10 is best for me. I think that maybe the real issue for the OP is her PIL rather than the time of the call, it is only once a month after all.

EponasWildDaughter · 13/05/2016 19:37

Well this thread has shown us that 1. we're all different and 2. if your family doesn't know your 'cut off' time then just tell them straight.

DH and i get up at 6 and are in bed by 10. So cut off for phone calls is 9 please.

We have a 2 year old plus teens. We eat at 5ish, DD goes to bed between 6 and 7, then there's a few chores, sit down about 7 or 8 and expect to do nothing more than a bit of gaming (him) a bit of MNing (me) and/or watch a film for 2 hours before bed.

MIL has form for ringing late. Shes a late riser and a late to bedder. Worst was when she rang the landline at 10.15 one night waking 10 week old DD who had only just gone to sleep after about 2 hours of her screaming and me and DH doing our very best with her I still remember it!

underrugsswept · 13/05/2016 19:43

I'd be asleep!

maxmaxdress · 13/05/2016 20:03

I dont answer the phone after 9ish. By then im usually in the bath and getting ready for bed.

If people want to talk- they know to ring and then ring back straight away. Then I answer if my phone is on loud

Do you not have a mute button on your labdline OP? We did when we had one. The caller ID would flash but it wouldnt ring so no chance of disturbing anybody!

DeriArms · 13/05/2016 20:08

Larry David explored this point in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

roseymacdoo · 13/05/2016 20:56

Yikes! I usually ring my DM for a natter at about 9.30pm after I've put the kids to bed and finished faffing about with little jobs. After reading this thread I feel like I should check she doesn't mind

OP is it you or your DH your PILs want to chat with, or just whoever answers the phone? Does DH feel the same as you?

And just snorted with laughter at Barbarian

FarrowandBallAche · 13/05/2016 21:30

The bastards!

Fucking ringing for a chat. At 9.30pm.

How dare they be so friendly.

Bogglespark · 14/05/2016 01:15

Genuinely saddened by the people that would rather watch TV than talk to another human being, and have you ever thought that they are calling at that time to avoid interrupting you putting the kids to bed!

Just tell them it is a bit late for you and ask them to call earlier, simple.

Then no doubt you can put another post on in a fews weeks saying that they are being annoying by calling at tea time or the kids bedtime!!!

Or Maybe you could call them more often, on your own time terms...

suspiciousofgoldfish · 14/05/2016 01:50

If 9.30 is too late for you then it's too late.

FIL rings every single day/night about something pointless.

I unplug the phone during nap times, and in the evening if I am feeling crabby and don't want to talk to anyone.
Sometimes I even plug it back in.

Mobile is on silent so can see who has called but am not obliged to answer.

YANBU. You have young children, you need to sleep, everyone else can do one.

ForalltheSaints · 14/05/2016 07:39

YANBU.

Any phone call that time of night would make me think someone has been taken ill or died.

FarrowandBallAche · 14/05/2016 08:06

But PILS can't win can they?

If they didn't ring they'd be wrong, if they rang earlier they'd be wrong because you'd be busy making dinner or bathing children or helping with homework.

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