AIBU to want ex wife contact to stop?

[Joydgreen88]

To be

I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible! My partner and I just found out that we are expecting our first child, however his relationship with his ex wife is putting me under a lot of stress and pressure.

They are in the final weeks of waiting for the decree absolute to be finalised. They have been separated for a year and a half, she has a new partner and they live together. My partner and his ex wife do not have any children, pets or any financial ties to each other at all. However he is still emailing and texting her on a near daily basis "to make sure she's ok". I'm finishing this level of contact very hard to deal with. When my partner I got together she inundated me with endless abusive emails, Facebook messages and texts. As soon as I could delete and block her, she'd find another way to get in touch with me. I've raised the issues I have with my partner endless times, trying to keep my cool but it really does bother me a lot of the time. He doesn't see why it's driving me so bananas, and when I've asked him why he feels the need to stay in contact with her he can't give me an answer. She has a new partner who I assumed would take over my partner's role of being the one to look after her. I'm dreading her finding out about the baby, and I just know she's going to try and cause so much drama and issues. It's really clouding what should be such a joyous time. AIBU to want my partner to cut contact with her?

[Marynary]

Tell him that you will "let go of her" if he stops contacting her.. If he can't do that then you are not the one who "can't let it go".

I am curious about the abusive texts and messages she has sent you in the past. Why was she trying to get in touch with you? Did she think that you were the cause of her marriage break up?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds like an abuse cycle rather than him being in love with her still.

It is my guess that the reason he is still trying to be nice to her because he is too afraid of her. His fear is overriding any rational thought and he is not mentally strong enough to face her wrath.

If this is the case, although on the surface he is putting his ex first. He isn't. He's trying to protect himself and doesn't have a clue how to protect you. That would account for his strange reaction to you contacting her to tell her to stop the abusive messages. He is acting very much like an abused and helpless child.

In you position, op, I would try the tack of: I'm on your side. We're going to get though this together. Would you like to live in a world where you didn't need to contact her everyday? These are the sort of "us against the world" tactics and the sort of thing we would employ for an abused child.

He may even have tried to cut contact with her before you were on the scene and all hell broke loose. My personal opinion is ultimatums probably won't work until he's been through counselling or at the least mentally stronger. I think you should really explore the couple counselling sooner rather than later.

[magoria]

Please don't take me the wrong way.

You have just found out you are pregnant so you have options to cut this man and woman out of your life forever.

He is telling you that you should shut the fuck up and put up and that this woman is always going to come first and has a right to know you are pregnant.

You don't have a chance of a decent relationship with him. You can't change him and you cannot fix him. Only can do this and right now for some reason she is more important to him than you or a baby.

I would consider not having the baby and making a clean break.

[KitKat1985]

Just to add my own experience to my earlier comment. I once (many years ago, before meeting DH) started dating a man who had just got out of a long term relationship and she had recently moved out. He asked me out only a few weeks after their relationship ended. He assured me his former relationship was over and that it had been over emotionally for a long time. However he kept name dropping her and sending her messages. He insisted it was just because he was looking after her dog until she found a new permanent place to live where she could take the dog to live with her (she was staying with her family at the time). Ditto various bits of her stuff were around the house and he assured me he was just letting her store it there until she got a place of her own. I was ridiculously naive and just accepted it. Anyway, invariably in the end he dumped me (via text!) to get back together with her. And she proceded to send me a load of abusive messages for 'getting involved' with him. Looking back I cringe at how obvious it was now that I was just the rebound relationship and ignored so many obvious red flags. I guess what I'm saying is that I know how easy it is to ignore the warning signs when you like someone, but I'm sorry I don't think this is going to end well. I wish on reflection I had left him and left with a bit of dignity intact. You still have that chance if that's what you decide you want to do.

[Joydgreen88]

I just feel under so much pressure to make the right choice. I really wish there wasn't a baby involved as I'd find it so much easier to sort this all out if I wasn't pregnant. I fear that like a pp has said he'll make some mad reason as to why she needs to be involved in my child's life, or she'll cause havoc when she finds out I'm pregnant. To be completely honest I'm quite scared of her, she's threatened me in the past (I have saved all previous messages in case I needed to contact police) and I'd much rather concentrate on having a healthy pregnancy without all this stress and madness.?

[QuiteLikely5]

Soooo this man leaves his marriage because his wife is abusive, she then starts abusing you but he thinks that's ok???

I think he has overstepped the mark big time here.

What the hell does she need to know he's having a baby for??? Is she his mother ?

If you do what you've always done you will get what you always got so how about this time you change your approach to this whole sorry mess.

As in you tell him no contact at all from today onwards or it's absolutely over..............and mean it

[AnyFucker]

You are not going to do anything are you, love ?

[Joydgreen88]

I have to. Like I said before I'd never really considered how damaging this relationship actually was (rose-tinted glasses and all that). So I'm staying with a friend until the end of the week, and I'm going to meet my partner for lunch on Sunday so I can tell him exactly why I need from him. You've all been such a massive, massive help. I honestly don't think I would have had the nerve to actually stand up to him if I hadn't posted this morning!

[whois]

o I'm staying with a friend until the end of the week, and I'm going to meet my partner for lunch on Sunday so I can tell him exactly why I need from him. You've all been such a massive, massive help. I honestly don't think I would have had the nerve to actually stand up to him if I hadn't posted this morning!

GOOD LUCK

[Winterbiscuit]

Hope Sunday goes as well as possible

[mummyto2monkeys]

How are things today OP? Has your dp been in contact with you?

[rockchick78]

Good luck for tomorrow/today... Let us know how you get on xx

[MerryMarigold]

I think the baby has helped you to see this issue more clearly. So in a way it is better sooner rather than later. It's amazing how even though this child is not yet born, considering him/ her makes you consider everything differently. You can have low self esteem when it comes to yourself, but when it comes to your child that's something else. I hope you will be ok, OP. There's lots of support here. Take care.

[Italiangreyhound]

Good luck for tomorrow, remember to put yourself first you are worth it. And take care of your baby. If you feel unsafe or unhappy listen to that voice.

[Capricorn76]

This will sound harsh but if I'd just found out I was pregnant by a guy I'd only known 18 months who was treating me badly and allowing his ex wife to do the same I'd abort the pregnancy and move on.

They would then be free to play their stupid mindfuck games to eternity and it wouldn't matter to me because I'd have no ties to either of them the weirdo's. I wouldn't be faffing around with Relate for a relationship that was 5 minutes old.

[WestleyAndButtockUp]

How far along in the pregnancy are you, OP?

Be careful, because some people (male and female) can dismiss things by thinking 'Oh, I realise she's being irrational because she's pregnant'.

So they can (make a conscious decision to) humour the pregnant woman while ignoring her valid points.

Wishing you well

[LordoftheTits]

I'm going to echo pp and say that I'd probably make the harsh decision not to have the baby and move on with my life.

Good luck for today, OP.

[RunRarebitRun]

Good luck, OP. I agree with others that this doesn't sound promising. I think his reaction to your demand that he stops contact will be important. If he can understand why he needs to stop contact, that's one thing, but if he grudgingly/sulkily agrees to stop just to shut you up, that's not good. Also, look out for signs that contact has gone underground.

[Inertia]

She absolutely does not need to know that you are pregnant. That is your confidential medical information and your partner has no right whatsoever to share your medical details with anybody else.

It's not possible for us to know whether this man was abused by his wife and feels trapped in a pattern of placating her, or whether he is the controlling one who is actually using the continual messaging to control both you and her, or whether he is still in love with her and using you to make her jealous. The end result is the same in any case. You need to decide what you want from this - he won't change.

[booitsme]

He needs counselling he has suffered emotional and physical abuse. Shameandregret gave a really good insight into how it may be for him. When a relationship ends we have to go through the grief cycle (much the same as a bereavement) care611.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/the-grief-cycle/
Even if we are the leaver. He doesn't know how to end this unhealthy relationship but he clearly wants to move on as he left her and started a new relationship with you. He could try slowly reducing contact so every other day rather than every day and slowly wean himself off her toxic behaviour. However, therapy would be a great support in this and someone impartial could help him deal with this issue. You could then support him rather than take the 'no win' role of telling him he has to stop.

He's not a bad person he's just been through hell. Invest in your relationship by seeking therapy. That's the only gentle ultimatum I would give him. He needs to do the rest for himself.

[Arkhamasylum]

You've already been the target of her abuse, OP, and now he wants to tell her about the baby? He might need and be helped by counselling, but in the nicest way possible, it's not your problem. Living your life through his ex-wife's proxy isn't acceptable, especially if you're having a baby.

You need to be the main character in your own story, not an incidental in he and his ex-wife's psychodrama.

Good luck, OP.

[Arkhamasylum]

If he wanted help, that would be different. But he doesn't, does he? And you can't help people change if they don't want to change.

[Allofaflumble]

If you stay, then you are in for a long head fuck. Even if he does stop contact, he will resent you for it.

[Joydgreen88]

Ok update time: met him for lunch yesterday, and before the food was delivered to the table he stormed off because I was honest about how he made me feel. We are NOT together anymore and I feel so much better for it. Although he did threaten to "sue me for full custordy to make sure you never see the baby".

I'm very scared about the prospect of being a single mother. I don't really know where to go from here. But I feel so much better for getting him out of my life and finally seeing the light.