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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want ex wife contact to stop?

146 replies

Joydgreen88 · 11/05/2016 09:10

To be

I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible! My partner and I just found out that we are expecting our first child, however his relationship with his ex wife is putting me under a lot of stress and pressure.

They are in the final weeks of waiting for the decree absolute to be finalised. They have been separated for a year and a half, she has a new partner and they live together. My partner and his ex wife do not have any children, pets or any financial ties to each other at all. However he is still emailing and texting her on a near daily basis "to make sure she's ok". I'm finishing this level of contact very hard to deal with. When my partner I got together she inundated me with endless abusive emails, Facebook messages and texts. As soon as I could delete and block her, she'd find another way to get in touch with me. I've raised the issues I have with my partner endless times, trying to keep my cool but it really does bother me a lot of the time. He doesn't see why it's driving me so bananas, and when I've asked him why he feels the need to stay in contact with her he can't give me an answer. She has a new partner who I assumed would take over my partner's role of being the one to look after her. I'm dreading her finding out about the baby, and I just know she's going to try and cause so much drama and issues. It's really clouding what should be such a joyous time. AIBU to want my partner to cut contact with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Joydgreen88 · 11/05/2016 10:10

I have absolutely no idea at this moment in time if I'm being completely honest!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 10:12

Verbally abusive huh?
Like him then.
It sounds like you're planning to stay with him. At least have your escape route planned OP. Things like not giving up your job after maternity leave. This one is going to bring you misery.

WannaBe · 11/05/2016 10:13

OP were you the OW? Because if so this might explain apparent feelings of guilt and responsibility towards her plus the defensive stance he seems to have taken towards her sending you abusive messages.

Lucked · 11/05/2016 10:14

I think you clearly love him but this is unacceptable. I would break up with him as it clear he needs more time. Tell him what you want and that if he gets to that place (and you are still single) you would consider a relationship with him.

EponasWildDaughter · 11/05/2016 10:16

Approach this one step at a time.

Be completely honest with yourself about weather you think he'll stop contact with this woman. And be honest about how you will feel in the near future about hte fact that you've had to force him into stopping contact.

It will be all well and good if he stops contact because of your ultimatums, and you get your way, but will this eat away at you? I think it would me. Like demanding someone is faithful to you. You shouldn't have to demand.

It sounds as if he has deep issues regarding this ex. I'm not sure you should be taking them on at all. Flowers

Original poster
Joydgreen88 · 11/05/2016 10:19

No I wasn't the OW, he'd moved into a new place and spent a day working at my restaurant which is where I met him. I received a message from his ex wife the first time I spent the night at his. Why alarm bells didn't start ringing then and I walked away I'll never bloody know Confused

OP posts:
Shameandregret · 11/05/2016 10:22

I am NOT making excuses for him. At all. His behaviour is appalling and you need to not put up with it. BUT, your DP sounds a lot like me. I just want to give a bit of an insight into where he might be coming from and this might aid you in how to approach it.

My stbxh was financially, emotionally, verbally, sexually and horrendously physically abusive towards me. For 10 years. We have been separated 18 months and we are in the last throes of divorce. I have a very new bf and he can not understand why I don't hate stbxh. I just don't. I need to know he is okay (we have dc's so we communicate regularly) and if he gets angry with me (stbxh) it sends me into a panic. Why am I bothered if he is ok? Because for 10 years his mood was dependent on my safety, and you get used to always thinking of that persons needs. Constantly making sure that they aren't upset is actually a natural defence mechanism, you wouldn't poke a bear would you? It is a bit like Stockholm syndrome. So, how to address it? I don't know. I am hoping for time and patience from my new bf. I will detach but psychologically it will take me time. Hth.

Marynary · 11/05/2016 10:25

How did she know that you had stayed at his place the first time? I suspect that he probably enjoys making his ex wife and you feel jealous and is playing you off against each other. I think it is time to put your foot down and tell him to stop contacting her as there is no reason for it if they don't have children.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/05/2016 10:28

yanbu, and to be honest him not seeing how shitty this is for you is bang out of order, and whilst I know people bandy the term "abusive" around- this is a form of emotional abuse and he is having an emotional relationship with someone else and is refusing to acknowledge its wrong- and shuts you down when you raise very valid concerns

if nothing else why the fuck is he "checking in" with someone that has been so shit to you, where is his fucking loyalty

so he makes you feel shit, and does not allow you to express the very genuine emotions around this

and trust me, you will have a battle on your hands to make him give this up

I think you need to give him an ultimatum, and be very strong. I have an amazing counsellor who is good in these issues, she might be able to provide some short term support (she does telephone). either better to know now and to stand up on this issue

how far gone are you, and would you consider single motherhood?

I am ever so sorry if reading this thread is painful for you, I guess a few of us have been around this block and know the score X

diddl · 11/05/2016 10:28

"Why alarm bells didn't start ringing then and I walked away I'll never bloody know"

Well you can walk away now if you want.

AlwaysNC · 11/05/2016 10:32

Could you tell him you can't go on and move into parents/friends etc if you love together?
His response to cut contact or be an area will tell you all you need to know about what to do moving forwards

Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2016 10:32

Joy your partner's behaviour is totally unacceptable. It almost sounds a bit Stockholm syndrome, she was mean to him and now he can't leave her alone.

You mention him getting angry with her and angry with you.

I really think he might need some counselling to get away from her mentally, to address this anger and to move on.... but I've not read all the posts carefully so I may have it wrong!

Joydgreen88 re "I've tried the ultimatum thing, and he just either shuts down completely or starts getting angry with me. I'm painting him in a really horrid light, but he is wonderful all the time, except when it comes to this bloody woman! The closest I've come to resolving anything is getting very frustrated with him and saying the contact absolutely has to stop by the time baby is here, no exceptions. But I don't even think that's gone in."

It sounds like he is either doing what he wants or doing what he feels he has to do. Why does he need to check she is OK DAILY! That is madness. I do think you need to address this and see whether you are going to be able to work this out properly.

blindsider · 11/05/2016 10:38

Your partner is being a totally pussy, without kids there is really no need to be in contact with your ex at all. I guess the finalisation of the divorce may require some contact but after that Zip.

The worrying thing is why he wants to be in contact??

Winterbiscuit · 11/05/2016 10:40

YANBU. You are his partner now, and your feelings should come first above those of his ex. And ex or not, why would he be friendly with someone who sends his partner abusive messages? He isn't prioritising you as he should.

facebookrecruit · 11/05/2016 10:40

I'm sorry honey but it sounds to me like he hasn't been entirely truthful about their marriage and break up

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2016 10:41

He left her after her behaviour towards him deteriorated (verbally and physically abusive towards him). So it baffles me as to why he STILL needs to stay in touch when she was such a nasty person?

I think it's quite common that when someone has to leave an abuser they're in love with, they still kind of crave their 'approval/attention'.

This is why so many people (although usually women) end up going back.

He's made the break physically, but mentally is obviously taking him much longer.

Has he considered counselling?

Original poster
Joydgreen88 · 11/05/2016 10:44

I have suggested counselling for both of us, as obviously I don't want to bring a child into the world when there are clearly underlying issues for us both. He has agreed to this, but whether or not it will happen remains to be seen.

OP posts:
TheWindInThePillows · 11/05/2016 10:45

How can he be 'wonderful' if he is literally texting her or contacting her daily, thereby siding with someone who has abused you?

That means every day he's putting her first and you second, and 'losing it' (whatever that means) if you resist being abused yourself.

You are his family now, or at least, if you are not, you need to know that and that means no contact from now on from someone who could actually cause you a lot of stress and potentially upset and disturb your new family and baby.

Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 10:47

Why does it "remain to be seen"?
Why are you so passive about that?
What was the agreement? If you're both agreed to do it, then sure one of you is supposed to be finding a counsellor? Do you agree that was him, or you?
Don't sit around waiting for things to be "seen", just book the bloody counselling!

(or: don't waste your money, because men who get angry with you are BAD NEWS)

RaeSkywalker · 11/05/2016 10:50

YANBU.

Can you try to talk to him again, ask him how he sees this playing out long term, and tell him how you're feeling again? "When you do X, it makes me feel Y", etc. If he can't empathise with this and agree a plan for moving forward then I think unfortunately your options are limited.

I agree that the fact that his ex is abusive might be making it harder for him to stop seeking her approval. I hope that he's getting counselling for this?

RaeSkywalker · 11/05/2016 10:51

Just saw your update r.e. counselling. Please be proactive in persuing this, don't wait for it to happen.

HappyNevertheless · 11/05/2016 10:54

whether or not it will happen remains to be seen

Why?
Just book the counselling. Either he is coming and is showing he, at least, wants to try. Or he isn't going and you know he isn't ready to make an effort. YOU would have the benefit of still having counselling and clarifying where you stand and see how crap his behaviour is

KitKat1985 · 11/05/2016 10:54

I'm sorry but they both still sound emotionally involved with each other (I'm surprised her new partner is tolerating this as well). They have no reason to still be in touch with each other (especially so regularly) if no children, pets etc are involved. I hate to say it but I don't think your relationship has a strong future at this point. Sorry OP.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2016 10:59

I think you were the rebound, sorry

And he has used his relationship with you to rub his wife's face in it.

blindsider · 11/05/2016 11:00

Anyfucker

Don't sugar coat is will you?

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