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AIBU?

AIBU to want ex wife contact to stop?

146 replies

Joydgreen88 · 11/05/2016 09:10

To be

I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible! My partner and I just found out that we are expecting our first child, however his relationship with his ex wife is putting me under a lot of stress and pressure.

They are in the final weeks of waiting for the decree absolute to be finalised. They have been separated for a year and a half, she has a new partner and they live together. My partner and his ex wife do not have any children, pets or any financial ties to each other at all. However he is still emailing and texting her on a near daily basis "to make sure she's ok". I'm finishing this level of contact very hard to deal with. When my partner I got together she inundated me with endless abusive emails, Facebook messages and texts. As soon as I could delete and block her, she'd find another way to get in touch with me. I've raised the issues I have with my partner endless times, trying to keep my cool but it really does bother me a lot of the time. He doesn't see why it's driving me so bananas, and when I've asked him why he feels the need to stay in contact with her he can't give me an answer. She has a new partner who I assumed would take over my partner's role of being the one to look after her. I'm dreading her finding out about the baby, and I just know she's going to try and cause so much drama and issues. It's really clouding what should be such a joyous time. AIBU to want my partner to cut contact with her?

OP posts:

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Cocoabutton · 15/05/2016 20:49

The 'suing' for full custody is part of the abusers script, though - it instils fear into a mother that she will lose her child, it is a means of control. Aborting out of fear, rather than because you feel it is the right decision for you, would be massively regrettable because none of us have any idea how things will pan out.

BoatyMcBoat · 15/05/2016 20:41

Read some of the threads in Relationships to get an idea of what life might be like with an unhelpful ex, and think about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/05/2016 19:58

Just read through your posts, what a nasty horrid man, glad you have finished with him. Regarding the baby, it's up to you, I cannot say either way.

ThatsMyStapler · 15/05/2016 19:50

Its so tough to make the decision, however, once you have that child your life will always be tied to his

" Although he did threaten to "sue me for full custordy to make sure you never see the baby". "

is this the life you want for you and your child?

how old are you and how far along are you?

GeorgeTheThird · 15/05/2016 19:37

It's a tough decision. But he won't be out of your life if you need to co parent with him. If this is your first child it's easy to concentrate on the pregnancy and baby stages. But in reality it's a long long time of child rearing.

magoria · 15/05/2016 19:28

It is your decision and whatever you decide you will not be judged by anyone of importance in your life.

Make the best decision for yourself.

Good luck.

Hissy · 15/05/2016 19:23

It is your decision. And whatever happens you'll make it work. Your choice is absolutely your decision.

((Hug))

Hissy · 15/05/2016 19:21

Let me tell you that there is no pain like looking at the child you love more than life itself and know that they have the shittiest father ever, who will hurt them to hurt you, who will let them down and blight their lives.

I hate myself for having my son with his father. It's something I won't ever forgive myself for and I absolutely can't make up for it.

Even when I give his dad a heads up on how not to fuck up, he still does.

In one summer of contact after 5 years my son has learned that his dad is a complete waste of space, and how he'll never have a good dad.

Like I said. I did that to him by having a child with his dad. He deserves so much more.

Please don't sacrifice a life of peace without this man in it for anything.

KitKatCustard · 15/05/2016 19:16

I just want to ad my fourpennorth to say I think you are being fabulously strong and doing absolutely the right thing. I applaud you and what you've done so far.
Good luck for the future, whatever your decisions are from now on.

Joydgreen88 · 15/05/2016 19:05

I'm so worried that I will regret a termination so much though. I understand that having a child with this man is a horrid idea,and it will cause me terrible pain. But I don't think I can go through with a termination. I'm not that strong, and I don't want to lose this child.

OP posts:

BoatyMcBoat · 15/05/2016 18:57

Well done, Jodygreen. You are actually much better off without him, so stand firm if he turns up with the chocolates and flowers and wheedles and professions of undying love and so on and so forth. DO NOT HAVE HIM BACK.

As Cabrinha said, you don't have to be a single mum. You have choices. I also agree with her that in your situation with him as the father - and therefore with her in the background - I would choose not to be a single mother, but have a termination and start afresh with nothing to tie me to him again, ever.

Hissy · 15/05/2016 17:56

As mother to a child with an abusive man for a father, and one with a Klingon ex as it goes, I would make a very strong suggestion to NOT blight a poor innocent child with that as a father. Seriously, you'll be tied to this vile pair forever if you go through with this.

I know how strong a suggestion that is, and I'm sorry, but it really is what I would suggest. There can be a future for you, a baby etc with a good man, not this guy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2016 17:45

Although he did threaten to "sue me for full custordy to make sure you never see the baby". What a shitty, shitty person he is.

I agree with everything Cabrinha says.

facebookrecruit · 15/05/2016 17:27

He obviously isn't done with his ex wife love. Sorry that it's happened this way for you but good on you for being strong!

Allofaflumble · 15/05/2016 17:27

Don't be sucked back in. Also the way he stormed off tells you everything you need to know about how he will be if the going gets tough. Spiteful too

I raised my son alone. Much easier than having some tosser and his ex messing up your life with their drama.

FuriousFate · 15/05/2016 17:15

Good riddance! You've dodged a bullet there, OP.

Winterbiscuit · 15/05/2016 14:11

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/05/2016 12:39

Listen to Cabrinha, she's absolutely right. Take a little time to think things though, decide what you want from the rest of your life and what you don't want. Best wishes .

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 15/05/2016 11:21

OP stay strong. Be kind to yourself.

Cabrinha · 15/05/2016 11:16

Well the first step is to decide whether you want to be a single mother - you do have the option to end the pregnancy, which would personally be my choice.

He simply won't get "full custody" so just ignore that old shite. If he wants access though, he'll get it, if he's prepared to go to court. Not what you want to hear, but it's better to be honest.

If you want to go ahead, then be aware that he has NO rights over anything whilst you're pregnant. Be can't attend medical appointments or the birth and has no legal right to have updates. During this period, if he or his ex contact you, don't piss around - tell them any further contact will send you to a solicitor / the police. And mean it.

LagunaBubbles · 15/05/2016 11:15

You will be fine OP, I had a situation in the past and was left with the prospect of raising my DS alone, but it's amazing how much having a wee person relying on you for everything helps you on focusing on what's right and what matters.

Joydgreen88 · 15/05/2016 11:04

Ok update time: met him for lunch yesterday, and before the food was delivered to the table he stormed off because I was honest about how he made me feel. We are NOT together anymore and I feel so much better for it. Although he did threaten to "sue me for full custordy to make sure you never see the baby".

I'm very scared about the prospect of being a single mother. I don't really know where to go from here. But I feel so much better for getting him out of my life and finally seeing the light.

OP posts:

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Allofaflumble · 15/05/2016 09:12

If you stay, then you are in for a long head fuck. Even if he does stop contact, he will resent you for it.

Arkhamasylum · 15/05/2016 09:05

If he wanted help, that would be different. But he doesn't, does he? And you can't help people change if they don't want to change.

Arkhamasylum · 15/05/2016 09:03

You've already been the target of her abuse, OP, and now he wants to tell her about the baby? He might need and be helped by counselling, but in the nicest way possible, it's not your problem. Living your life through his ex-wife's proxy isn't acceptable, especially if you're having a baby.

You need to be the main character in your own story, not an incidental in he and his ex-wife's psychodrama.

Good luck, OP.

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