AIBU to want ex wife contact to stop?

[Joydgreen88]

To be

I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible! My partner and I just found out that we are expecting our first child, however his relationship with his ex wife is putting me under a lot of stress and pressure.

They are in the final weeks of waiting for the decree absolute to be finalised. They have been separated for a year and a half, she has a new partner and they live together. My partner and his ex wife do not have any children, pets or any financial ties to each other at all. However he is still emailing and texting her on a near daily basis "to make sure she's ok". I'm finishing this level of contact very hard to deal with. When my partner I got together she inundated me with endless abusive emails, Facebook messages and texts. As soon as I could delete and block her, she'd find another way to get in touch with me. I've raised the issues I have with my partner endless times, trying to keep my cool but it really does bother me a lot of the time. He doesn't see why it's driving me so bananas, and when I've asked him why he feels the need to stay in contact with her he can't give me an answer. She has a new partner who I assumed would take over my partner's role of being the one to look after her. I'm dreading her finding out about the baby, and I just know she's going to try and cause so much drama and issues. It's really clouding what should be such a joyous time. AIBU to want my partner to cut contact with her?

[KittyKrap]

If she was so awful and they have no ties then why would he want to stay in touch? Something here doesn't add up and I agree with AF.

[Winterbiscuit]

I agree with HappyNevertheless

[sparechange]

Book the counselling yourself! If you want to stop being a doormat, you need to start being more proactive in either repairing this relationship, or putting steps in place to leave

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Why alarm bells didn't start ringing then and I walked away I'll never bloody know confused

If you don't walk away now you'll be saying that in 8 months time, a years time, 2 years time....

Just. Walk. Away.

You need to sort your life out for the arrival of your baby - where you will live, how you will afford it and gain some mental/emotional stability before your baby arrives. Pissing about going to counselling and 'seeing what happens' is not gong to help. The only person who can sort his life out is him and he's not done jack all about it so far - you'd be foolish to think that will change.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

She can't repair the relationship! He could have, but chose not to,

[BeckyMcDonald]

I'm afraid I agree with AnyFucker. If he had any kind of love for you, why wouldn't he prioritise your feelings over this of his ex? He's not over her. What a shitty thing to happen

[AnyFucker]

What is to "repair" ?

It sounds like his priority has been elsewhere from day 1

[ButtonsAndBows]

Jeez

I'd be damn temped to feign a medical drama due to "stress" and the baby and give him an ultimatum - cut the contact or you are off. And say next abusive message you get , you will be contacting the police. He shouldn't be lumbering you with his baggage . She sounds a total head case . It's one thing having a little peek at a new partners fb but abusing them ? Feck that. He will get away with only what you allow him to get away with. If he wants his exs abuse more than you and the baby, let him.

[wannabestressfree]

Actually for AF that was pretty sugar coated....

[AnyFucker]

There isn't a way to sugar coat it really....

[WorraLiberty]

The last time I looked, AnyFucker wasn't Willy Wonka.

Besides, others have said far less sugar coated things.

[Cabrinha]

Fucking hell though - a bit of an aside...
Every time I read on these boards situations like this, I think - how much women's lives are still determined by reproduction.
Without an accidental pregnancy, the OP would probably have got wise to the fact this man is a prick.
Instead, now she'll either stay with him - because of the baby - or at least still have a tie to him.
All because we don't yet have contraception that is 100% effective and that's even before you add in user error.
We have so many more choices now than in the 50s, and yet individual woman are still facing this situation - bad choices trying to do what they think is best, because of accidental pregnancies

[unexpsoc]

I agree with PP - this may come from being in an abusive relationship, When you have married your feelings to be subservient to someone else's even if you leave you can be suckered back in.

He needs to get counselling AND he needs to realise he has to end all contact. Also, couples therapy would help you both I think.

Or he is just a dick. Hard for anyone to know based on a tiny portion of the story on the internet. Good luck getting it resolved.

[Joydgreen88]

Blimey, I didn't actually realise how weak and ridiculous I've been until reading these replies. They've honestly helped me so much to see my situation from non-biased opinions. I'm going to sit down with him this evening, and really talk about what is happening here. I'll write down a few pointers from here and make sure my head is clear, so I'm not diving in being emotional and angry. I've contacted Relate RE counselling so will wait to hear back from them. You're all right, I need to be assertive and stand up for myself. I just never actually looked at it from any other point of view, I think I'd just got used to it all.

[ABCAlwaysBeCunting]

I agree with AF.

This is a near identical situation I had with an ex. He'd split up with his fiancee because (he said) they'd just grown apart, then a couple of months he later got together with me. He said from the start that their split was amicable and they were in occasional contact which I was fine with.

But after he started seeing me, contact with her suddenly escalated and he was basically 'showing me off' to her via FB and mutual friends which made me pretty uncomfortable. I got fed up with him always calling/emailing/visiting her 'to make sure she was ok'. He forbade her to contact me or me to contact her and at that point I'd had enough and finished it because it was clear either he wasn't over her or was seeing her behind my back.

[AnyFucker]

Good luck with it. You have as much power in this relationship as you want to have. At the moment it seems it has swung very much in his favour. Take it right back, love.

[AnyFucker]

And be prepared to walk away. It looks like you might have to, baby or no baby.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Best of luck with the talk.

I don't think it will go the way you want but I'm a cynic.

Look; this is your life. You're being way too passive.

This doesn't require compromise or negotiation.

You decide what you want your life to be and you find someone who fits in with that. As it is, you're trying to find your place in this dysfunctional fuck up between them.

That's not good enough for you or your child.

[beccabanana]

Agree with everyone else - why are his Ex's feelings a priority over yours? What he's doing in a nutshell is saying 'couldn't give a toss that you're upset, that my ex has been abusive to you, I'll still side with her no matter what'! Either that or he's not told you the truth about their split and is feeling guilt about something. And if you allow him to treat you this way he will continue to do so for ever.

[whois]

Either he's moved on and is ready to stop contacting her, or he hasn't. And if he hasn't - he has no business being with another woman and having a baby.

[whois]

I think I'd be walking away from his 'relationship' and having an abortion. He is shouting loud and clear that you will never take priority over his ex.

[Joydgreen88]

Just had a very brief conversation with him regarding not speak to the ew anymore and he said that he would have to tell her about the baby?!?!!

[TheCrumpettyTree]

I think it's very clear here that his ex wife is the priority here and not you.

Ask him why her feelings trump yours?

[PNGirl]

Did you ask him why?

[AnyFucker]

I agree she needs to know about the baby at some point. But not sure why he is giving it any more significance than it requires.