AIBU to want ex wife contact to stop?

[Joydgreen88]

To be

I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible! My partner and I just found out that we are expecting our first child, however his relationship with his ex wife is putting me under a lot of stress and pressure.

They are in the final weeks of waiting for the decree absolute to be finalised. They have been separated for a year and a half, she has a new partner and they live together. My partner and his ex wife do not have any children, pets or any financial ties to each other at all. However he is still emailing and texting her on a near daily basis "to make sure she's ok". I'm finishing this level of contact very hard to deal with. When my partner I got together she inundated me with endless abusive emails, Facebook messages and texts. As soon as I could delete and block her, she'd find another way to get in touch with me. I've raised the issues I have with my partner endless times, trying to keep my cool but it really does bother me a lot of the time. He doesn't see why it's driving me so bananas, and when I've asked him why he feels the need to stay in contact with her he can't give me an answer. She has a new partner who I assumed would take over my partner's role of being the one to look after her. I'm dreading her finding out about the baby, and I just know she's going to try and cause so much drama and issues. It's really clouding what should be such a joyous time. AIBU to want my partner to cut contact with her?

[sparechange]

His heart belongs to her, not you. His priority is her, and her feelings, well above you and yours, or your future child.

[Marynary]

Whilst it would be polite for him to let her know at some point in the future, it wouldn't be at all appropriate to tell her now when you have only just found out yourselves. There is no reason for him to contact her for a couple of months.

[Winterbiscuit]

I don't see why your baby is any of her business. She and your ex don't have children together so it's not like there are half-siblings to consider.

[diddl]

Why does she need to know about the baby?

[HappyNevertheless]

What's the relationship between stopping to talk with her and him telling by her about the baby? .

Serioulsy, the only way he can tell her about the baby is if he talks to her

I agree that, if the relationhsip was abusive, he migt well still be in the middle of it. However, this is NOT a reason for you to stay in a relationship that is wrong for you. And a relationhsip where your basic wish of being first and not last in his priorities isn't a good one :(

[HazelBite]

I don't like this at all. After I split with exH we only spoke/had contact on a handful of occasions and that was purely to deal with practical matters. There were no Dc's or joint property.
There was no need to be in contact , there was no future for us, it was all done and dusted and we each went out separate ways.
He is NOT OVER his previous relationship and cannot let it go. Woman often pick at scabs when relationships end/are ending but not generally men who tend to be of the "I just want to move on" mindset.
There is something not right about this, unfinished business, issues call it what you will but his reaction to you to tell her to stop the insults speaks volumes.
Proceed with caution.

[leelu66]

He can't let go of her, for whatever reason.

I would give him a final ultimatum and stick to it.

[handslikecowstits]

OP: she has his heart. You are second choice and always will be even if he does stop talking to her.

It's very sad but that's the truth of it and in my opinion, no amount of counselling will change that. In fact, I'd be prepared for him to admit that he still loves her.

I'd be making my own plans if I were you.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Joy. How much more of him making her the priority are you going to tolerate before accepting he's not going to change? Counselling isn't going to help, it's really not. They're trained counsellors - not magicians my love. I really don't want to upset you further, but you seem so determined that he will suddenly 'see the error of his ways' but he's not going to. He is either in love or fear of her and NOTHING you say or do will change that. You have yourself & a pregnancy to think about, stop putting so much energy into flogging a dead horse.

If you think you could cope with it, a termination might be worth thinking about. Personally I couldn't do it, but others are able to & accept it as an unfortunate, but necessary, course of action - it would give you a fresh start, unencumbered by a lifelong link to him.

[Marthacliffscumbag]

All this drama in what are supposed to be the halcyon days of a relationship. When you first get with someone you're supposed to feel happiness and joy, not planning counselling sessions, getting pregnant and putting up with psychotic ex wives and a boyfriend who has placed you firmly at the bottom of his priority list!
I can just imagine what he'll tell the ex about the baby 'it wasn't planned, she said she was on the pill, I'm only staying with her because of the baby' blah blah blah.
You and your child will never be number one for him, he has her on a pedestal and always will. If he wanted to cut contact with her then quite simply he would have done it by now, he doesn't want to contact, I believe that they sti love each other and using their new respective partners to goad each other.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

Have you seen the divorce paperwork?

[TheWernethWife]

I hate to say this but will he do more than tell her about the baby, will he want to take the baby to see her. He'll say it's my child as well and I can do what I want. FFS get out and don't put him on the birth certificate, you really cannot trust him.

[Cabrinha]

So you tell him you want him to stop contact with her and he says he needs to tell her about the baby?!

Best get yourself ready for a fresh start to the abusive messages from her. Suggest if you receive one, tell her in writing immediately that a single more message will result in you speaking to the police about harrasment - and mean it. Of course your boyfriend will support you in that, won't he?

Even if he had some good reason for her not finding out on the grapevine, the only acceptable way of telling her is this: "I wanted to let you know myself, that we're expecting. It marks a new chapter in my life and with this and our divorce now finalised, I want to make a clean break and a fresh start for us both to focus our time and energy on our current relationships. I therefore won't be in touch again. I wish you well for the future."

[blindsider]

Jodygreen

Why does his ExW need to know about the baby?

Its ultimatum (with serious teeth) time!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Why does his ExW need to know about the baby? Exactly.

I found out about exH's baby and he found out about mine through mutual friends, ages after we'd had them. Why we would give the tiniest shite... unless of course, we were still in love with each other.

OP, your BF allowed and enabled abuse and harassment of you. And went off on one when you objected. He is not nice.

[DiscoMoo]

she doesn't need to know about the baby. Why should she? My ex had a baby and I only found out 2 years later when a friend mentioned she'd seen him at an ante natal clinic.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I don't see why she needs to know about the baby.

Don't let him use it as an excuse.

To be honest, the fact that he even wants to is telling enough.

I think you should get out of this.

[AnyFucker]

What cabrinha said. If you are past 12 weeks, plan on keeping the baby and plan on keeping this loser him then heading her off at the pass is the way to go

Then all contact immediately cut

If you can be bothered with any of it. Which of course you are not obliged to.

[Joydgreen88]

Good lord I feel very stupid for allowing it to get to this point. Gavin spoken to him I see a pattern emerging (now I'm looking for one). The conversation started off lovely and he was asking how I was did I need anything etc etc. As soon as I began to bring up the ex wife he immediately shut down and started picking at me "you just can let it go can you"? And why do I have to bring this up all the time, he doesn't think we should be together because I can't let go of her!! What the actual hell? Every time I bring it up he says I'm crazy and jealous. And I would just bow down to him and try and put the situation right again. I haven't given him an ultimatum as of yet, as we only managed an hour before he had to go to work (3 hours early ) I'm staying with one of my friends until Sunday, so I can really get my head around all this. I just know that she (ew) is never going to be out of my life while he can't let her go. I have seen the divorce papers, so I know it is going through. I just know a divorce and a baby isn't going to change anything.

[AnyFucker]

Just get shut of him, love. Perhaps getting dumped will bring him to his senses. But don't count on it. You must surely have lost all respect for him now anyway.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

There are two possibilities here. One is that she was indeed abusive, and he is stuck in the abusive cycle with her, unable to cut it off.

The other is that he was the abusive one, or it was mutually abusive, hence his treatment of you.

Regardless it sounds like a codependent dynamic and there is no way you can make a relationship with this person work whilst they are still effectively in a relationship with someone else.

The shutting down when you try to have a discussion about something he doesn't like, then calling you crazy and jealous, are huge red flags that you need to listen to.

Baby or no baby, you can't make him be a nice person.

[Cabrinha]

you can't let go of her?
That would funny if it wasn't so awful.

[Waltermittythesequel]

he doesn't think we should be together because I can't let go of her!!

And that right there is all you need to know.

You're not towing the line. You're not allowing him to keep a relationship with her. So if you keep making things difficult, you'll be alone.

That's what he's saying when he says that.

[HappyNevertheless]

Well you have your answer there :(

I'm that he is managing to make it your problem though.
I think going to stay with a friend and having a think is a very good idea. Just be careful not to see everything in rose tainted glasses before you come back.

[Winterbiscuit]

It is he who can't let go of her.