To be irritated that MIL gives men 2-3 times more food than women?

[Ladyboluna]

Last week we went to MIL's for Sunday lunch. We had gammon and I made a big thing about saying its my favourite and how hungry I was. All the men (OH, BIL, FIL) got about 6-7 slices . While I and the women get 2 small slices (wouldn't cover a slice of bread). I even got a smaller portion of potatoes and veg. What really didn't help is that my FIL didn't even finish his!

When I went home I had to cook myself something to eat! I'm pregnant and they always make jokes about what my appetites been like recently (good-natured ones). My MIL and SIL hardly eat anything, so I wonder if its that, or an old-fashioned thing.

I know it isn't a big deal, and I have a great relationship with her, so it really isn't worth falling out about. But it happens every time I go round! Thoughts?

My MIL will put the food in the middle of the table. However she also gives me and SIL a plate slightly larger than tea plate while the men get large dinner plates. We have a completion who can get their plate the tallest without a loosing a roasty.

It's a bit like dinner jenga.

Arf @ performance eaters!

There have been plenty of those on Mumsnet over the years

But they tend to be 'out performers' who claim to eat an entire hog roast as a snack

Does anyone remember when 'Nouvelle cuisine' happened in the 80's? Beautiful, hellish expensive,pretty little portions of food just right for this Goldilocks!

Men especially fell off their chairs asking if this was the starter and could not wait to hit burger joints and steak houses after their pricey dinner.It was comedy gold!

Next time you are there for a meal, take a pack of sandwiches and as soon as you finish your meal, get them out and eat them at the table, that should shame her into giving you proper sized portions

How fucking rude would that be, after her MIL has cooked her meat, roast potatoes and veg??

The MIL hasn't committed a crime here, nor does she sound like she's being nasty.

Just more stuck in her ways and the OP's DH could easily have a quite word if the OP doesn't want to.

Much more grown up that sitting at the table eating sandwiches, even if she could manage them on top of a Sunday roast.

Next time you are there for a meal, take a pack of sandwiches and as soon as you finish your meal, get them out and eat them at the table, that should shame her into giving you proper sized portions

Yes much more mature than, you know, opening your mouth and asking for seconds.

I understand the not asking because it seems rude. But taking sandwiches is a whole new level of rude!

I eat my snacks in the car. Stealthily.

Is asking for seconds rude? Never thought about it like that, although thinking about it now, everywhere we eat they are always offered so it is more a matter of accepting than asking.

OP if they aren't offered ask your dh to share publically. If your MiL/SiL have tiny appetites they may genuinely think you do to.

My SiL/BiL go through phases of competitive none eating. On our last holiday they tried the 'oh I thought we could just share this handful of blueberries and fresh air for lunch' a couple of times but we made it clear that we required actual food. The last time they tried it - in the middle of an 8 mile hike - we ended up feeding their children and my neice's poor, starving boyfriend with some extra sandwiches, crisps and biscuits we just happened to have. They disappeared in seconds and the message was received.

Why not ask for more food, OP? Because of course there are also women who are very reluctant to be seen to eat a lot (though of course what that is is pretty debatable) in public, particularly in front of other women, especially if those other women are conspicuously tiny eaters.

I was out for lunch with some total strangers at the weekend, and (because I had taken the entire group to a London restaurant I knew, I felt slightly responsible for them liking the food, and hence was noticing who was eating enthusiastically) noticed that when the 'alpha' woman of the group declared herself to be absolutely starving and wolfed down enormous amounts of food, the two other, more diffident women noticeably relaxed and ordered more food than they originally had, apparently because it was 'allowed'.

Allalonenow, your post made me laugh.

Again its one of those things thats hard to believe if you have not had it done to you.

Maybe its not the case where with the op, but I recently had a total food control situation! I get it!

Or there is the other irritating 'performing my small appetite' type, who shrieks 'Oh, enough! I couldn't eat another thing! I eat like a BIRD!'

This is spot on! I know so many women (and it is only women) who do this. The subtext is basically 'Oh look at me, I am just so dainty and delicate and vulnerable, I couldn't possibly eat an entire portion like you disgusting fat oafs.'

They're also usually the ones who are perennially moaning about being cold. COINCIDENCE? I think not.

This may be me as the foreigner but I don't get the whole thing of dishing up everybody's portion- surely this must mean that some people eat more than they are comfortable with or food gets wasted? What is wrong with letting people help themselves?

I think it's a bit old fashioned and perhaps as you say she doesn't eat much herself.

I always serve everyone the same portion and have extra in the middle for people to help themselves.

29+ weeks pregnant I'm sure I've now started eating more than my husband. Previously less but still would like to be given a much smaller portion incase I was very hungry one day.

I couldn't ask for more because there wasn't anything left and I wasn't going to ask for people's leftovers. FIL left loads too!

And oh yes performance eaters. MIL is one of those. If she has her granddaughter she says oh you don't have time to eat when you have kids while looking at me. And I'm size 16. And she's size 10. Point taken. Thanks.

My worst experience of this was staying at the in laws whilst breast feeding. I normally have quite a small apetite and they just couldn't get their heads round me stuffing my face constantly. We had to do a snack run.

I feel a bit about the "eating like a bird thing". I'm small, I have a disability that means it's hard for me to do massive amounts of exercise. I don't really eat much. I'm starting to dread restaurants these days because the portions are so massive. I've already stopped ordering starters and desserts (the best bit) and still struggle with my main course. I really hope people aren't rolling their eyes at my "performance eating".

Same here Tinkly but I think the 'performance' part is when people make a point of telling everyone they have a small appetite, just to make the bigger eaters feel bad.

Glad I made you laugh CheekyGit, obviously I forgot to put

As I said in my post, the OP could have asked for more, which speaking as a cook, I would never think was rude.

To me, food equals nuturing and generosity, so I would never want anyone to leave my table feeling that they were still hungry or had been treated unfairly, but clearly the OP's MIL has a different view.

It's only performance when you sit there and drone on about how you eat a tiny amount while you look pointedly at your less slim companions. Or decline dessert on behalf of said companions because you announce to the table that the porker couldn't possibly eat anything else after the massive amount they just consumed not bitter honest

I've already stopped ordering starters and desserts (the best bit) and still struggle with my main course. I really hope people aren't rolling their eyes at my "performance eating".

Definitely not, Tinkly. Performance under-eating isn't just having a small appetite, it involves dramatic drawing of attention to your bird-like appetite with continual sighs about how full you are after two forkfuls, and vocal incredulity about what savage heifers everyone else is for having a starter.

Yes Worra I'm a big fan of this "tapas everything" style eating that seems to be sweeping the restaurants of the North West. Marathon running DH gets to fill his boots and I get a taste of everything.

tinkly I think the performance eating comments were about people who declare what they are eating or not
I actually have to watch what I eat too because if I'm over weight it puts pressure on my joints and knees but I don't shput about it iyswim

Oh I love buffet eating and tapas bita this and bita that

To be fair, in general men do require more calories than women, all other things being equal. (a woman doing manual work will probably need more than a sedentary man). Men have bigger bodies and more muscle, especially in the upper body and muscle needs a lot of calories to maintain. Although the imbalance in food does seem extreme in your example.

The reason your MIL is very slim is because she never overeats. However, she clearly has given you what she thinks of as a normal amount for women forgetting that a) not everyone wants to restrict their diet to be super-slim and b) pregnant or breast-feeding women have higher calorie requirements than otherwise.

There's not much you can do about it at someone else's table without seeming rude, so in future I would stop off for a snack on the way home!

Havw an aunt who does he performance eating as described by errata. I have talked about her before on MN.Last time I went to her house for dinner she served up 5 salmon fillets between 7 adults and 2 toddlers.

She also told me when I was a teenager that it was no wonder I was a chubber because I eat an entire banana in one go. (She shares hers between herself and my cousin).

Performance eating is also my MIL just by having small portions is not it at all!

Its letting everyone know about it.

w

Politely asking for seconds isn't rude but asking for more at first serving might be. It's certainly a bit awkward if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can just say things