To think you shouldn't accept a party invite if you aren't going to invite child back?

[Partypooper12345]

I've name changed for this as aware I sound like a loon.

My child is gorgeous and lovely and bright and ever so slightly quirky but brings us huge joy. However she is never at the top of anyone's party invite list and regularly misses out on parties which have limited numbers. Came home and told me today that she isn't invited to X's party because she wasn't on the list but X will get her mum to arrange a play. They'd obviously been talking at school today. My child said this quite factually, she is not upset at all. Thank god 6/7 year olds are very accepting. She didn't see the trail of kids leaving together today for the party but I did. Made me want to cry for her. I know this is completely irrational and is more about me than her, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I don't communicate any of this to my child and am bright, breezy and sensible in response to any issues along these lines. She does not yet have my insecurities in that regard and I hope to keep it that way.

However, aibu to think that if you aren't going to invite a child to your child's party, year on year, because of numbers or whatever, then you should decline the invite to the other (uninvited) child's birthday party? Isn't it rude not to invite people whose parties you have attended and continue to attend?

Braced for a pasting, I know I'm being unreasonable to be upset on behalf of my child, and would never articulate it in RL apart from to partner, but unsure if I'm being unreasonable to expect them to decline our invites iyswim.

Bit of an over exaggeration, birthday parties aren't the only time you socialise with school friends 😳 I've also said up thread that I had no idea how RSVP worked as I've never had to do it before but I would make sure to reply even if it's a "no" from now on. She goes on all the school trips and event days, etc. She only misses out when she needs my supervision for something and she's one of those "oh hi will you be my friend, what's your name?" kinda kid so the only reason she gets left out is when she literally can't relate (for example them playing games that are too young for her to want to be involved in or her trying to converse and they can't respond as eloquently)

If there is an issue with your child socialising, walking then it is to do with skill and attitude, not intellect.

My bright little thing spoke early and spoke well. Her comprehension and conversation was way ahead of her peers at nursery, and reception age. And still are now. She had some socialisation problems to do with her disability but her conversation skills and ability to play and talk with other children were not at all impacted by the fact they could not speak, or speak like her. Children who speak entirely different languages from each other are well capable of socialising and making friends. Children who don't speak at all, still make lots of friends. It's all about their attitude to other people. If your child is struggling with how to react to children who don't "respond eloquently" (whatever that means) then you need to be showing her the way. Otherwise she will remain as standoffish as you are and that's a lonely place to be for a child.

It is also important to remember that these early talkers are still young children. It is tempting to treat a 4 year old, who speaks like a 6 year old, as if they are a six years old. They aren't. I can't see how age appropriate games are classed as "too young" since most of the "games" my seven year old plays with her friends are exactly the same types of games they all played when they were three. Maybe your girl just needs to learn how to play.

My daughter isn't left out or stand-offish like me, she's the opposite of me in that retrospect and is friends with literally everyone. Everyone says she's the most confident happy girl they've met. She knows I can't take her to parties, it's a sad thing for her to have to understand at that age but I feel she connects much more with friends that aren't school friends currently because those are the ones she mentions at home or asks to play with. I just assumed it was due to the friends outside of school being more on her "wave length". I meant getting left out in more of an educational standpoint, it's something I've discussed with teachers when brought up at parents evening. Because she already knows what they are learning there tends to be a clash. I'm more than sure it will change when she's older I don't think all clever children aren't included it's just at an age where the developmental gaps are communication,etc.

Apparently I'm not too good at explaining.

I think you have to take everything I type a little more lighthearted than in appears, I struggle not to be overly formal when writing.

YANBU I invite the whole of DD's class plus some older/younger kids, plus neighbours, plus non- school friends. It is chaos but good fun. I appreciate that not all families can afford to reciprocate with a huge party, but a play date, lunch invite, day out at the park, etc something is expected otherwise the parents are rude (I would still invite the child but I would judge the parents).

DD has always included a certain child to her parties and they aren't great friends. DD has always been to her party but this year, due to number constraints her invitation won't be reciprocated. I know the mother will struggle to understand as she orchestrates her dds social calendar. DD has always wanted a lot of children to her party and we've had activities to accommodate this. I think the child likes DD more than DD likes her. This happens to DD as well and I know it is difficult for a child and parent to understand having been on the receiving end. This year, the party is for 8 children including the birthday girl, cousin and a friend she has known from birth. So only 5 friends from school.
On the other hand, as DD has always had large parties, there are children, who have always come and never reciprocated the invitation so on balance, we have given more than we have received. It does annoy me when year on year certain children accept and don't reciprocate when I know the could financially or when all the friends in her friendship group bar her are invited to a particular party, which has happened three times this school year when all theee were all invited last time around. It's just the way it goes I suppose.

She knows I can't take her to parties. Is there an actual reason why you can't, Walking?

By next year you will be able to just drop her off, surely, why won't she go to parties then?
We need to find ways to avoid children being affected by our own issues as much as possible, and this is a no brainier surely as just leaving her at the door?

I understand the lack of return invites if the child is having a small party, but if they are inviting more than 10 and they like the child then I think it is mean not to include them.

My DD was not included in one girl's list every year and I think she took my dd and an invite to DD's party every year for granted. One year dd had enough and didn't choose her, the next year she did get invited.

I sort of see your point. Yes and no. Sometimes, there are so many invitations, I know I can't invite them all back but what if your child really, really wants to go? How do you decline if they're waving the invitation at you?

There have been quite a few times when we haven't had a party and just opted for a day out instead. I think it's easier than leaving people out and having them upset.

I think YABU, tbh. DS has attended lots of parties but I have been unable to hold one for him most years, due to barely having enough to feed us all (sometimes not even that). I would be gutted if people stopped inviting him because we couldn't return the favour.

But maybe you think that I should be declining his invites? I don't see how that benefits DS or his friends though.

I can understand where you are coming from OP. I do think it's polite to invite children whose parties your DC has attended (when possible), or at least try and be sensitive about it and not wave invites around in full view. However I do admit I've been able to do this with my less-popular DS, has not always been possible with my more-popular DD, just because of numbers. So I can see both sides.
I think if you have a popular child who gets lots of party invites it's really easy to take the view 'oh don't be so sensitive', but when it's your child being left out it's different!

I am also surprised people don't know which parties their DCs go to (don't people have diaries?)

However I am now getting to the point where I am almost glad when they don't get an invite - with 3DCs the weekends get very busy!

Roomba, I think that is a different circumstance though, the OPs DDs friend was having a party, but just hadn't invited her DD.

I like to think that most people are sensitive to the fact that some parents can't afford big parties or any parties at all. Everyone's circumstances are different.

I think there's no right or wrong answer to party reciprocation, it depends on the individual situation.

I think it's different if you're not having a party at all, Rumba. It's when you are having a party and only inviting a handful of the children out of a group that have invited your child to their parties.

I understand where OP is coming from. My son is a little younger. There is a group of children that have known each other since the baby room at nursery school. We have always done a party as luckily we have access to a large outdoor space and he is a summer baby. We have invited this group every year and most of them attend every year. Some years the others don't have parties and others they do. They all play together every day. There is one child that I haven't known to have a party. I never thought too much about it, until we recently attended another party and I was standing next to this child's mum. A new boy's mum came up to her and thanked her for a great party the week before. It was like a smack in the face. As they chatted I'd discovered that they'd thrown a large party at a hall, so it wasn't a case of no room or limit on numbers. It sounds like my son was excluded. This mum has my mobile number too, so I don't believe that it was a case as a lost invite. I took it very personally and do feel that if you consider a child enough of a friend to attend their party (and have done for years), then surely you'd think they were enough of a friend to invite to your own, when throwing a similarily sized do.

I think logically you / me ABU, but I don't think our reaction is strange.

YABU but I think you are just thinking emotionally rather than practically, which is natural because you want your LG to be happy! But she is, so I'd invite whoever she wants to invite to her parties and just go with the flow.

NeverNic. That's rude, your ds is part of a group of young children and it was a big party.

Haven't had time to RTFT but I kind of see your point. I'm trying to arrange a DC's birthday right now and at the back of my mind is the fact that we have accepted other's hospitality and they should take precedence over others. Their year group get mixed up every year which makes it more awkward as DC now has friends across both classes but a 50 person class invite starts to take the cost towards 4 figures at that point. Gulp !
DC doesn't have very close friends so where do I start?

This is more hassle than arranging my own sodding wedding.

YANBU
I could have written your post. My DS is often excluded - he does notice and does ask me why. I completely understand if parties are small / numbers are limited but when it's MOST of the class or MOST of the boys it's really rude but also insensitive and hurtful to exclude 1 or 2 kids.

As parents, its our duty to teach our DC about other peoples feelings and about having empathy and manners. I wouldn't dream of leaving a couple of kids out - unless there was a good reason - I've begrudgingly invited one boy who has repeatedly excluded DS because it would be unfair and because DS said 'I don't want him to feel how I do when I'm not invited'

One of my criteria for when DS is making his party invitee list is that the children whose birthday parties he has been to head the list. After that, he can invite whomever he wants.

But there have been children whom he has invited year after year and never received an invitation back from - mostly girls, to be fair - so other people clearly don't do that. However, I wouldn't stop him from choosing to invite those people, even though they don't reciprocate.

That's what I thought too Janecc.

I wouldn't dream of leaving a couple of kids out - unless there was a good reason

This struck accord - there was a girl in DD class who wasn't very popular - never quite fitted in - found friendships difficult etc

She had a party and DD went, because it was the right thing to do, because if they decided they didn't really like her, then she'd have nobody at her party.

She wasn't on DD list as she had closer friends - and a limited budget

So most of you are saying it would be rude not to go, because she didn't reciprocate?

Would it have been kinder to leave this child with anybody at her party?

I don't know - they get invited and they go - they have friends they'd include and those they wouldn't.

I can't get worked up about kids parties - I'm sorry your DS feels a bit peeved - but parents do seem to manipulate the friendships groups somewhat -

You get invited you either go or decline. That's it.

CodyKing So are you saying that you WOULD leave 1 or 2 kids out because they are "Not very popular - never quite fitted in - found friendships difficult etc"

Nice. To me that isn't bringing your kids up to be kind and considerate and generally nice people

Completely understand the budget issue but if you're inviting say 8 /9 out of 10 boys in the class then that's just a very poor show

Aw I think people are being judgy. I think you are hurt for your little one and I totally empathise, it's impossible not to attach adut emotions to childhood friendship stuff. However if you want people at the party invite them, if you don't, don't. You can't force people to be thoughtful and kind but you should be kind and inclusive anyway. I always assume if I'm invited somewhere that I'm wanted there and I don't think it's unreasonable for others to think the same.

No - I ask what they want to do - so say cinema - they have a limit of 10 -

They invite their friends - if they've been to another child's party I wouldn't bump them up the list - I allow DC to choose.

I'm saying my DC have been invited to parties and I know they wouldn't invite that child back to theirs - but is it fair if they turned it down? Wouldn't the child be more unhappy if nobody went to their party?

Parties are only complicated if the parents over think it.

Like I said - you get and invite you go - it doesn't have strings attached - like "only if I can go to yours"

My kids get an invite or they don't - I don't make a big deal of it -

DD went to a lot of parties when younger - she doesn't speak to these kids now she's in high school - she has different friends - parties are smaller - and friendships more solid.

I can't get worked up about party politics for 5 year olds who forget the week after and stay friends - unlike some moms who fall out over it.

You can learn a lot from 5 year olds