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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't accept a party invite if you aren't going to invite child back?

151 replies

Partypooper12345 · 09/05/2016 17:14

I've name changed for this as aware I sound like a loon.

My child is gorgeous and lovely and bright and ever so slightly quirky but brings us huge joy. However she is never at the top of anyone's party invite list and regularly misses out on parties which have limited numbers. Came home and told me today that she isn't invited to X's party because she wasn't on the list but X will get her mum to arrange a play. They'd obviously been talking at school today. My child said this quite factually, she is not upset at all. Thank god 6/7 year olds are very accepting. She didn't see the trail of kids leaving together today for the party but I did. Made me want to cry for her. I know this is completely irrational and is more about me than her, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I don't communicate any of this to my child and am bright, breezy and sensible in response to any issues along these lines. She does not yet have my insecurities in that regard and I hope to keep it that way.

However, aibu to think that if you aren't going to invite a child to your child's party, year on year, because of numbers or whatever, then you should decline the invite to the other (uninvited) child's birthday party? Isn't it rude not to invite people whose parties you have attended and continue to attend?

Braced for a pasting, I know I'm being unreasonable to be upset on behalf of my child, and would never articulate it in RL apart from to partner, but unsure if I'm being unreasonable to expect them to decline our invites iyswim.

OP posts:
WalkingBlind · 10/05/2016 01:01

I'm just a little shocked that birthday parties are such a big thing. All DD's party invites go in the bin.... Maybe if she ever gets a best friend or a close group of friends I'd sort something out but at the minute her whole class gets an invite for every party. Then again I don't throw DD a party and if I ever did I'd invite no-one from school (unless she had close friends and I knew their parents).

So I kind of get that you feel shocked about reciprocating... Because I feel shocked that anyone takes it so seriously Blush Must be the way different people view situations.

Now I'm wondering if DD's classmates are bothered about her not attending Confused

Floggingmolly · 10/05/2016 06:47

That's quite a strange attitude, Walking...

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 10/05/2016 06:52

Walkingblind I hope you at least have the courtesy to rsvp to the invites before binning them Hmm
Do you ever ask your dd if she wants to go to the parties? Definitely at risk of being branded standoffish for never going to any at all.

SeaWitchly · 10/05/2016 07:11

I personally think it's kinder and more polite to invite those children who have invited your DC to their birthday parties.

As a previous poster said, if you like them enough to attend their party, you like them enough to invite them to yours.

That said, I would only do this if I was planning a proper 'party'. I will tot up the number of return invites we need and then add additional children to this as required. So then plan a party around these numbers and dependent on my budget I might decide to have a party at home, in a hall, at a soft play place or in a park... so space for a larger number of children.

Otherwise I may just plan a small birthday treat with DC's best friends, so anything from one to three children and we would go to the cinema or a restaurant or a little party at home. Then I wouldn't necessarily feel the need to return previous party invites due to the intimate nature of the gathering.

What seems particularly unkind and thoughtless is what PP have described, seeing parents handing out large numbers of invites at the school gates but leaving out a child whose party their child attended. And when there is a likely possibility that said child and parent will see. That is rude and unnecessary imo, either invite those children or if you really can't be more discreet about it for god's sake Hmm

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 10/05/2016 07:14

Different if can't afford or no party obviously. Neither applicable here.

How on EARTH would you know if someone can't afford it?!

Blu · 10/05/2016 07:19

WalkingBlind is there some specific reason you never allow your DD to accept invitations? Or invite school friends?

How will your dd develop any close friendships? How do you know whether she has any or not!

I think kids do get upset / feel a bit sad if kids they have invited do not attend their party! And other mothers will certainly notice.

WalkingBlind · 10/05/2016 07:21

I thought you only RSVP'd if you were attending Confused I am stand-offish, the other mums know not to invite me to playdates, coffee, etc. DD can go with her dad though if it's on his days she doesn't just miss out on friends entirely. I've never attended another child's party (unless they were family) in my whole life so I suppose it's ingrained in me... I honestly am genuinely shocked about this etiquette, I've never "been taught" or picked up otherwise Blush

WalkingBlind · 10/05/2016 07:30

Blu I just personally can't take her but if there was anyone else to take her she could go. There often isn't though.

She has a lot of close friendships outside of school with my friend's kids and is in a football team. I'm sure I will notice if she is close to anyone, besides she would tell me, I always ask about her friends and their names, etc. She is a lot closer to the kids outside of school, but she is more advanced than the kids in her year and struggles to relate to them

RufusTheReindeer · 10/05/2016 07:33

walking

You are supposed to RSVP to say yes or no

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/05/2016 07:46

She is a lot closer to the kids outside of school, but she is more advanced than the kids in her year and struggles to relate to them

Grin
WalkingBlind · 10/05/2016 07:48

Wow, there's a life lesson learned. I certainly will let them know she's not coming from now on Blush I had no idea, the class is so big and the whole class is invited rather than specific friends (I think it's coz the mums don't know which friends to invite) I assumed they weren't too fussed about which kids did/didn't come as they didn't know them anyway (get names from the register and teacher hands out invites)

CodyKing · 10/05/2016 07:48

Ywnbu. For me it is reciprocal. If you don't Like someone enough to invite them to your party, then you don't like them enough to go to their party

Kids in general are very fluid at this age - some kids are your DD "best friend" when they know a parties coming up - they are usually flakes - and angle for an invite -

Some your DD will like more than that child likes them - some parents have more influence over the child's friends than the child realises - hence the cliques -

As they get older there's usually a boy girl split even if DS and DD are best friends there's no invite.

I really think it's a difficult mine field and the best approach is sometimes it's your turn and sometime it isn't, and not over think it - go with what your child wants for their birthday

WalkingBlind · 10/05/2016 07:49

TheDowager Some of the kids in her year can't speak yet... And she can read. It's a huge developmental gap.

WalkingBlind · 10/05/2016 08:02

Although I'm not sure why you find a young child struggling entertaining Hmm

Nannawifeofbaldr · 10/05/2016 08:05

Walking I don't know what age your DD is, I'm assuming quite little, but as she gets older be a little bit careful about binning all invitations, you could've unwittingly excluding her from lots of discussions with her friends.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/05/2016 08:09

I'm not sure why you find a young child struggling entertaining

Confused I don't.

And agree with Nanna.

WalkingBlind · 10/05/2016 08:17

Sorry it's just you did "Grin" that and I can't figure out why, it's like the standard laughing face Confused

I'll never be able to take her but I will RSVP to all invites declining properly in future now I know you're meant to Blush Unless it lands on one of her dad's days or someone offers to take her

RufusTheReindeer · 10/05/2016 08:42

walking

Thats fine, unfortunately i have done a number of parties were i got no RSVP, assumed they werent coming and then they turned up

Also if i know that a child wont be attending i can invite another child and sometimes you have to pay for 10 children and then only 9 arrive and youve "wasted" the other ticket

I was furious once because party was RSVPed I paid for 12 tickets and 4 children didnt turn up, next day i had 2 blasé " forgot " comments, one actual illness (still could have let me know at the time) and by the time properly apologetic parent number 4 approached me i went off on one Blush...not at her but at situation

I know thats not your situation Grin

ZanyMobster · 10/05/2016 08:46

I think YABU. Some people have whole class parties and some don't. DSs birthday is half way through the year so when he is invited to a party in say September we don't necessarily know what he will be doing for his later in the school year. If he wants to go then he will but often he will decline if he doesn't actually like them as even at a young age he doesn't agree with this.

My rule is that they either invite the whole class (20) or less than half. It ends up being less than half as many party venues have limits of 20 which means no one else including his brother can come and also we cannot always afford that. It's not out of spite in any way.

irregularegular · 10/05/2016 08:58

I think YABU. If my child invites another child to their party, then you can assume that he would like them to come and would be disappointed if you turned the invite down! If you are invited to something then I think it is rude to turn it down without good reason. Surely it is just as bad to have no-one come to your party as not to be invited to parties - probably worse?

Some parties are big, some are small, it depends what the child and parent would like to do that year. If we were organizing a big party then yes we'd probably include everyone who we've received invites from, but not necessarily if it is a small-group thing. And I'm sure there have been times when children we have invited have not asked my children back to their next party. I wouldn't think anything of it and don't keep track anyway.

irregularegular · 10/05/2016 09:00

I think what is rude is inviting almost the whole class, but almost all the boys/girls, but not quite. Either do a proper full class party, or keep it small - don't make people feel actively excluded. And be kind.

DerelictDaughter · 10/05/2016 09:13

I've done primary school party things with two children and tbh have never, ever thought about this Shock

I am sorry that some kids get left out - one of mine did too, unless it was a whole-class thing. I definitely noticed more than him (but that's just one case) and if he had ever said anything I'd have been really sad about it.

My daughter has very 'tight' friendships and never wanted a whole-class party - but I would not have let her miss out on the fun because of that. I've never thought before that I was perhaps being unreasonable! Or that I should have forced her into a big party scenario where she'd have been uncomfortable being the centre of attention. We just went with what she expressed a wish for (a few friends to the cinema and a pizza!).

It really wasn't a case of leaving people out, it was more that a huge party would have overwhelmed her and we didn't see the need, and didn't know we needed to reciprocate.

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 10/05/2016 09:20

Walking from school age you can just drop her off, no need to talk to others. You are really disadvantaging her socially if you draw a blanket ban.
People who don't reply to say no - I still have to pay for them just in case they turn up, who wants a small child with no cake, no party bag? So costs me money.

ToomuchChocolatemeansBootcamp · 10/05/2016 11:29

walkingblind if you can get someone to take her I would, she will get more and more excluded if she never goes to any parties. You will also get a rep for being one of those annoying parents who never respond yay or nae to invites, people will stop asking if they have to chase and chase for a reponse either way (and yes, RSVP means respond, either yes or no!)
How will she actually build those friendships if she doesn't ever get to socialise with her class? Yes she has other friendships outside, great, but do you want her to be the one playing alone at break or eating lunch on her own because she "doesn't relate"??

Janefromdowntheroad · 10/05/2016 11:33

DD wasn't invited to a party that only 6 children missed out on from a class of 30.

Child had attended our party a month earlier.

Parent is a teacher at their school Hmm