To think you shouldn't accept a party invite if you aren't going to invite child back?

[Partypooper12345]

I've name changed for this as aware I sound like a loon.

My child is gorgeous and lovely and bright and ever so slightly quirky but brings us huge joy. However she is never at the top of anyone's party invite list and regularly misses out on parties which have limited numbers. Came home and told me today that she isn't invited to X's party because she wasn't on the list but X will get her mum to arrange a play. They'd obviously been talking at school today. My child said this quite factually, she is not upset at all. Thank god 6/7 year olds are very accepting. She didn't see the trail of kids leaving together today for the party but I did. Made me want to cry for her. I know this is completely irrational and is more about me than her, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I don't communicate any of this to my child and am bright, breezy and sensible in response to any issues along these lines. She does not yet have my insecurities in that regard and I hope to keep it that way.

However, aibu to think that if you aren't going to invite a child to your child's party, year on year, because of numbers or whatever, then you should decline the invite to the other (uninvited) child's birthday party? Isn't it rude not to invite people whose parties you have attended and continue to attend?

Braced for a pasting, I know I'm being unreasonable to be upset on behalf of my child, and would never articulate it in RL apart from to partner, but unsure if I'm being unreasonable to expect them to decline our invites iyswim.

Yes I'm afraid you do sound like a loon. At this age children are already making their own decisions about who they want to invite to parties. Just because your DD has invited them to her party months earlier in no way means that when they are drawing up their party list they have to have her name on it - or understand when their mum intervenes and removes one of their friends from the list (or more) because the grown-ups have decided that invites are "owed" to other children. It's a birthday party for heaven's sake, not a UN negotiation!

Dd is in a similar position but she loves having her own birthday party and if she didn't invite those who haven't had her over then it would be a very lonely party for her, so we invite and give them a fun time because I do the party for dd and her enjoyment not the other children.

Dyou know what Martha, if I'm honest all that description was part of me thinking aloud and I guess trying to digest why she isn't being invited to stuff. But you're right, doesn't matter what she's like, effect and feelings are the same. No offence intended.

Wrong thread

You mention inviting these children "year on year". How old is your child? How many years are we talking about?
And is it not apparent by now that she's not friends with these children?

OP, YANBU.
I understand it is not always black and white, but in our house, if you are invited to the party of a child that you don't really like/ will not be inviting to your party, then we refuse the invite. I remind my kids of this when they get party invites, sometimes they say, ok, I won't go as I won't be inviting them back. I think it is rude to knowingly go to party knowing you will not be returning the invite.
I wouldn't fall out with anyone over it or anything, but I do think it is rude.

I don't think you're BU to be upset on your child's behalf; you've acknowledged it's more about you than her, it's not as though you're going to boycott all future parties based on "did she invite her in reception? If not, off she goes from the list". Be upset for her, then continue being breezy and showing her that her happiness isn't measured by this.

You're B a little U to expect all party invites to be returned; it's sometimes difficult when you have to limit numbers, other times some children just don't gel. DS1 often didn't get invited to everyone's party when he was little; he has ASD and wasn't everyone's cup of tea (nor their parents, I imagine). It stung occasionally, but it passes.

You haven't thought this through OP. Trust me, having nobody turn up to your birthday party is waaaay worse than not being invited to other people's parties.

Thing is they ARE friends, play together most days and have been at school together almost three years. She just doesn't get on the list - the 'popular' kids make the cut above someone she actually plays with a lot.

Does she do play dates with them?

Haha sharingmichelle

I was wondering what the significance was of your post.

OP, I am sorry you are finding it hard, sometimes a child does not get invited, that is life. getting very intense about it and keeping score of who invited whom is no way to live.

Let it go.

It is really a normal part of life for almost all kids (and adults!) to NOT get invited to everything.

The problem with that is friendship groups change throughout the year when they're young. My DDs definitely aren't friends with the same kids right now as they were in September, so that might mean those kids aren't invited to their next parties. Equally, this time next year they might be best friends with those kids again. I'm not going to force them to invite kids they aren't so close to at this point in the year to their party just because they went to theirs. I'm not sure I could even remember whose parties they've been to this year! I just ask them who they want to invite.

If for 3 years they have played together and attended every party that your DD has held then I think it is rude tbh. But I also think as parents, we're responsible for teaching our DCs how to be kind and considerate and that extends to party invites.

I think you know you're being unreasonable about the parties. But it's completely understandable to be upset and wonder why she's not being invited. I would try and not read too much into it though. Peer pressure to fit in and gain the approval of the cool kids can be pretty powerful. It doesn't necessarily reflect on the strength of the friendship.

I completely understand how you feel. DD contains a lot of cliquey girls (and mothers too!) and there have been occasions when she's not been invited to parties of girls whom have been to hers. It has upset me too..... Especially when its all over Facebook 👍. If it was up to me, I would never invite them again however they are her birthday parties so she invites who she wants depending on the numbers.

DD's class that should read.

I feel your pain PP, totally. On an emotional level YADNBU. Have you had these lovelies (all real for us!!)

Child (your DS talks about a lot) running around in playground handing out invites, your DS not included
Walk into a soft play centre to discover a party for someone in your DC's class.
Neighbour asks "Is your DC going to X's party" & you never knew anything about it
Reading on MN about "too many parties in Reception!" while your DC barely invited to any
Next door neighbour describes her plans for party for her child (in your DC's class); invite never arrives
Child comes to play often at your house at least once a week, never invites your child back

But you really have to let it go. I'm speaking from experience. This grudge won't help you. Grit the teeth time.

We have twins, when they were younger they wanted joint parties. This meant we couldn't do whole class parties (60 4 year olds anyone?) so often accepted invites we couldn't return.

Now they are older, after years of big parties, we do smaller parties with 10 or so friends. Because both DC have close friends who are not at the same school this might mean someone doesn't make the cut.

Friendships are also pretty fluid at this age so someone who doesn't make the cut this year might well next. So we accept those sorts of invites.

However there is a set of siblings who like my DC but the feeling is not reciprocated. We all know that they will never be invited to one of our parties so we politely decline those.

I think what PP have said is correct. Your DD is great but won't necessarily be the most popular. Basing responses to children's parties on whether or not that child will be invited back would possibly lead to her having few or no other children coming to her parties and that would surely be heartbreaking.

At the moment, your DD doesn't seem to be that bothered so this is definitely a case of you projecting your upset and what you think should happen when she's okay with it. And it's great that she is. If a time comes when she isn't okay with it, you can have a chat with her.

FWIW, even as an adult I've attended parties hosted by people who wouldn't necessarily be on my list for a party hosted by me (due to numbers and space) but they invited me and asked me attend so I assume they want me there and may be more upset or feeling paranoid if I declined.

Dtds have had numerous full class parties as they're in reception. They're in different classes so I'd have to invite 62 kids - are you really saying iambu not to do that? They will pick 10 friends each max. They pick, not me and it won't be based on what we should do to be diplomatic. Dd3 wasn't invited to a party last week by someone she thinks of as her best friend. Maybe she's only having a couple of friends over, I don't know but I'm not going to ask because I'm a grown up. Hosting a party is hard enough without treading on egg shells incase a mum gets upset. Maybe it's because I have 3dc but I cannot remember whose party they did and didn't go to!

So would you be happy if you invited the whole class and only 2 children turned up because the other parents can't afford a whole class venue?

Surely if there is any transaction involved that is already over when invited child turns up with card and present?

I kind of understand what the OP's saying. My DD has AS and was always desperate to fit in and have friends. Every year she'd have a party and invite her class. We always had the majority accept. She was never invited to anyone else's party. Ever. No once in her entire time at school. It was heartbreaking.

I get what other posters are saying, it's not reciprocal, and they're right but there's something off about always accepting but never including.

Yanbu and yabvu, yes crap happens, I guess your child will develop a thick skin, but it will hurt to invite, and never be invited back. No it is not a transaction, op is not saying that, but it is part of social graces, and being kind. I agree LittleMissBossy I totally agree, and I think its kinder to turn down the invite, if you are not going to include that child in your party, especially if you keep going to said child's party every year, but never invite them back, that's rude.

Mabey op, don't have parties if they are going to lead to disappointment, you do not have to have a party its not obligatory, mabey organise a nice day out this year, or invite a couple of friends for bowling and pizza.

I understand your heartbreak that your LO is not getting invites when others are

However I don't understand your logic re wanting kids to NOT turn up to her parties

I'ld be gutted for DDs if people turned down their party invites, I frankly don't care if they didn't invite them I just pray to god people show up and DDs have a good time on their parties