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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't accept a party invite if you aren't going to invite child back?

151 replies

Partypooper12345 · 09/05/2016 17:14

I've name changed for this as aware I sound like a loon.

My child is gorgeous and lovely and bright and ever so slightly quirky but brings us huge joy. However she is never at the top of anyone's party invite list and regularly misses out on parties which have limited numbers. Came home and told me today that she isn't invited to X's party because she wasn't on the list but X will get her mum to arrange a play. They'd obviously been talking at school today. My child said this quite factually, she is not upset at all. Thank god 6/7 year olds are very accepting. She didn't see the trail of kids leaving together today for the party but I did. Made me want to cry for her. I know this is completely irrational and is more about me than her, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I don't communicate any of this to my child and am bright, breezy and sensible in response to any issues along these lines. She does not yet have my insecurities in that regard and I hope to keep it that way.

However, aibu to think that if you aren't going to invite a child to your child's party, year on year, because of numbers or whatever, then you should decline the invite to the other (uninvited) child's birthday party? Isn't it rude not to invite people whose parties you have attended and continue to attend?

Braced for a pasting, I know I'm being unreasonable to be upset on behalf of my child, and would never articulate it in RL apart from to partner, but unsure if I'm being unreasonable to expect them to decline our invites iyswim.

OP posts:
Obliviated · 09/05/2016 18:35

My friend does this. We have children of a similar age and they are always invited to my children's parties. We had a big one a few months ago and they were there. She never invites mine back though. A few days ago photos went up on fb of her child's party, bouncy castle in the garden etc. No idea why mine don't get invited, they are well behaved. I just ignore it now.

Headofthehive55 · 09/05/2016 18:37

I agree that it isn't reciprocal, but I do have in mind who has invited them recently, and try and return the invite.

I do have one child who is never ever invited to anyone's. For several years she had a party of about 8-10 friends, which she loved as it was the only party she went to. We have now moved on to having a special treat instead, perhaps with a friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/05/2016 18:39

Oblivated time to stop inviting them to your dc birthday parties, that is rude.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 18:45

I make a massive effort to make it to every party the DDs get invited to (even if it's really tricky and I end up with 2 girls at 2 different parties at opposite ends of town) because I know that whenever we host parties I'm always really nervous that people won't show up and the DDs would be gutted

We haven't had all class parties in a while.

Really? are people really saying we sould ONLY accept invites from people who were at the DDs (small, not all class) parties?

So if a kid wants a whole class party, but has only been ivited to 2, are people seriously saying that only 2 kids should show up when a whole class party was organised (and anticipated by the child who handed out 30 invites) Sad - that's ridiculous, and putting parents agendas before the kids

Lndnmummy · 09/05/2016 18:50

We had our first party for ds this year, he turned four. My dh was running up and down the neighbourhood to ensure everyone was invited that da had been invited too. Even two years ago although he has since changed nursery and doesnt play with them anymore. It was very important to us to reciprocate. It was the first party we could afford for him and we wanted to include as many children as we possibly could.

Original poster
Partypooper12345 · 09/05/2016 18:55

I think that's it lndnmummy, I couldn't not invite kids whose party my child had been to - I'd feel dreadful and inhospitable. Whereas others clearly don't. We are all different I guess.

It's easy to be a bit Confused about party invites if your kid is invited to everything rather than one of the ones who isn't - it's a different world. I wonder if you would be so quick to call unreasonable if it were your child left out.

OP posts:
Dellarobia · 09/05/2016 18:57

OP, I have always done the opposite of what you suggest. If one of my DC is invited to a party of someone they're not that keen on, I encourage them to go because, as others have said, I've always assumed it's worse for the less popular children if no one comes to their party. (One of my DC is v popular btw - he's good at sport and tall for his age and the rest of the class seem to look up to him a bit. Not a stealth boast but it may be relevant I think.) Then when it comes to his birthday I mention the names of people whose party he was invited to, but leave the final decision to him.

So - do you truly believe I should change my tactic and do as you suggest? Genuine question.

Owllady · 09/05/2016 19:00

I agree with sharingmichelle

Ok honestly, you are reading too much into this from your child's perspective. In the real world, parents are picking out suitable friends for their children and this mainly happens at parties
It's got nothing to to do with your daughter, it's about your own social standing

I'm 17 years on. This is mainly true, with some exception obviously

Moonlightceleste · 09/05/2016 19:01

Not everyone can have huge parties because of their home circumstances though, we absolutely couldn't. My DDs probably do get invited to more than the number of kids we have back, I don't know, I don't keep track. The flip side of it is parents who get invited by half the class at school and then half the kids they know from extra curricular. DP and I let them invite 8 friends each plus the cousins and leave it up to them.

OooLookShoes · 09/05/2016 19:03

This is quite worrying. I have literally no idea whose parties dd has been to beyond a couple of best friends that I recognise.

No way am I going to add ever more complexity to my life by keeping a tally of who has invited who.

If she gets an invite and we don't have a prior engagement I say yes. If she has a party I set a cost-based number limit and ask her to name the people she wants to invite. Haven't a bloody clue who those kids actually are or wether we have ever been hosted by them.

Sorry. Not sorry. Life is way too short.

Moonlightceleste · 09/05/2016 19:03

Lnd with all due respect inviting kids your do hasn't seen for two years is madness.

Original poster
Partypooper12345 · 09/05/2016 19:03

Della - From this thread there clearly isn't a right or wrong here. However, I do think that, were my popular child, I would be encouraging my child to return invites they had accepted - 'remember how much fun you had at Billy's party, how do you think he would feel if he wasn't invited when you went to his only last week?' Or similar. If they genuinely didn't want to invite that person then I would say we shouldn't accept invitations from them again, if we are genuinely never going to return the hospitality. For me, it would be bad manners to continually accept hospitality (even on behalf of my child) if i knew I was never going to return it.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 09/05/2016 19:04

Yabu sorry. You invite the friends you want. You go to the parties you want.

FraggleMountain · 09/05/2016 19:05

YANBU OP, I understand exactly how you feel. In my DS school it is working quite well, most parties appear to be for everyone. Often several families arrange a party together if birthdays are close together, which spreads the cost of a venue a bit. If there is any way of including everyone, especially at such a young age, that's by far the best thing to do. in my opinion the kids are a bit too young to decide on the guest list themselves at 6-7.

Original poster
Partypooper12345 · 09/05/2016 19:07

Oohlook - do you not take your children to parties? How can you not know where they've been?

OP posts:
MLGs · 09/05/2016 19:09

I also think ruder to decline.

blaeberry · 09/05/2016 19:10

I hope no one follows your logic at ds school. He has only been invited to one party this year but I am desperately hoping all the boys in the class will come to his...

titchy · 09/05/2016 19:19

Yabu. Your system only works if everyone in the class invites exactly the same number of people. Which is obviously ridiculous. There is no reciprocation etiquette in party inviting - invited guests are expected to bring a present and a card, not an invite to a future party.

If everyone abides by your system no one will come to your kids party....

Tbh by 6 or 7 large parties tend to tail off with kids tending to have smaller parties but more elaborate activities. 30 in a church hall with an entertainer gets dropped in favour of 15 doing a craft activity, and in another few years 5 going to a theme park.

I think kids tend to understand that even if parents don't

Moonlightceleste · 09/05/2016 19:33

My DDs both have summer birthdays. You really expect me to make a list of all the parties they're invited to all year so I can return the invitation? They have a different best friend every week Confused I remember if I know the child and/parents well, but I certainly couldn't tell you every party they've been to this year.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 09/05/2016 19:33

I don't think it's good for children to attend a birthday party and then not have that child to their own party. Manners. Empathy. Compassion. Inclusivity. All the good stuff.

Velojackr · 09/05/2016 19:34

YANBU
There's a girl in DD's friends group and they don't get on particularly well, however, as they all play together, I always invite her to parties as I'd hate for her to feel left out.
However, DD never gets invited to hers and she feels awful when it happens, asking why, etc.
Every year I swear I'm not inviting the other girl next time, but every year I do as I'd hate to hurt her feelings. It makes me so mad that the mother can't give my kid the same courtesy.

And no, it's not a financial thing. It's completely thoughtless

OooLookShoes · 09/05/2016 19:36

Yup, I take her to the parties.

They are all the same. There is a whole bunch of small children running about. They look remarkably similar. A whole bunch of cute but swarming interchangeable Emilys and Olivers imo (I do have a SPLd so I accept I do have a bit of a problem with face blindness and I work FT so rarely do school gate socialising ) I get a card and present and copy the name off the invite, but that's as far as I get.

if I were to keep a track if have to set up a spreadsheet or something. And in all honest I have so much else to keep track of it isn't goin to happen.

I now suspect I'm inadvertently offending swathes of school Mums Blush

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 19:38

I think that's it lndnmummy, I couldn't not invite kids whose party my child had been to - I'd feel dreadful and inhospitable. Whereas others clearly don't. We are all different I guess

It's not about that.

We could never have an at home party if we followed your logic, we would have to hire halls (and all that goes along with keeping kids happy in halls) if we had to invite all the the previous invites. And it's not that my kids are wildly popular, Just a few a year, plus their actual best friends^, plus cousins (who we would have to invite if the party was bigger than just a couple of bests).. and the costs add up.

I accept all invites we can make out of politeness an mannors and consideration, because I have been to a few parties where very few turned up and the mums have been heartbroken (sometimes the kids notice and are crest fallen, sometimes they don't and are happy with the small handful that turned up to their big hall party) and I'ld hate to ever contribute to a kid being disappointed that noone came to their party. So we always go if we can (and obv it's nice for DDs, but it's not just that, we go even if it's a bit of a pain and a kid they're not massively friends with.. because IMO it's nicer to go than not go)

besides that, it would be rude and a bit mental to invite people who you don't want to RSVP yes! if there are people who you think shouldn't accept your invite! well DON'T BLOOMIN INVITE THEM! they don't know you don't think they should go FGS

Originalfoogirl · 09/05/2016 19:39

There are two different issues here. One is whether children should have an automatic invite to parties if they have attended someone else's party. Of course the answer to that is no. Different people have different sizes and types of parties, and if the logic was followed, then every child would end up having "whole class" parties if one parent chooses to have a "whole class" party. We couldn't have had a whole class party for all sorts of reasons so chose to invite a few close friends.

The second issue is whether your child is being excluded because of what you call being "slightly quirky". Other parents find their child being excluded because of perceived behavioural problems which most often turn out to be because of some kind of neurological issue. For us it's a perceived difficulty because of our daughter's physical disability. I know for sure Abby has been excluded from a close friends party because of her disability. I know this because the mum (eventually) told me this. I suspect it's happened more often than that. I understand those who don't know her and see her disability rather than her abilities, are afraid of how they will cope. They exclude her because it is just a little too difficult. This makes me sad, but I deal with it by talking to the parents of her closest friends. By arranging play dates so she becomes well known by the parents. By re-assuring the parents that I will stay at the party to help. I let them know they can share their concerns with me in an honest way and I won't take offence. If you suspect she is being excluded because of her personality, it's up to you as her parent to speak to other parents to set their minds at rest.

In a perfect world, every child will be included, no matter what, but that doesn't happen so we have to do what we can to help others understand.

icy121 · 09/05/2016 19:45

You're projecting your own insecurities. Mind you talking to a friend at weekend who said she hears we teenage daughter crying in bed bc she's left out - all her gfs and male mates were at one girl's house, and she was the only one not invited. It was all over snapchat and Instagram - all very immediate. Think youngg children now (esp girls) are in for an absolute fucking shocker at 16 😕

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