Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit... rejected?

61 replies

ErNope · 07/05/2016 22:50

not sure its rejection, rejection seems quite strong... But anyhow.
Oh and I are moving to the other side of the world, to where the in laws emigrated to.
IL's left when OH was barely an adult, tried to sort of hem him into going, but when he refused in an over the top shouty 'why won't you just fucking respect my wishes' kind of fashion, let it go (after nearly a year of attempting to push)
at least 2-3x per year since MIL has brought it up and again tried to push.
OH's response is always a flat out no, until the last time she asked and I sat OH down and thought maybe its worth thinking about, we decided upon a visit.
we visited and quite liked it and decided to move out for a year or so and if we hated it by then, come back, if we love it, then stay.
MIL was quite cold toward me, but I assumed she was the same with everyone (Seeing as OH has said that she wasn't a very loving/feelingsy mother to him). before we decided to move out she sort of glazed over the move when it came to me (My family, who're all in south wales where OH and I live, My job, my career as a whole, OUR plans..) and just kept pushing. this has not changed since deciding to move out...
Now we've agreed to, she doesn't make an effort to talk to me and never has (I have her on all social media sites) when I message her, she often doesn't reply (I message her maybe 1-2 times a week) this went on at one point for 3 consecutive weeks.. like ffs you could well be my main social interaction for a little while, you're the only 'expat' (i think thats what they're called) that I know and i'll be moving into your home yet you don't want to even really communicate with me... I'm just feeling a bit fucked off really? I feel like she expected/expects OH to leave me here... we've been together for years....

OP posts:
OohMavis · 07/05/2016 22:56

Some people just don't gel, and maybe she feels this is the case with you two. Personally I wouldn't be keen to move into someone's home whom I felt didn't like me very much!

ollieplimsoles · 07/05/2016 22:57

Op, this is a one way ticket to miseryville,
WHY ARE YOU MOVING THERE?

She clearly doesn't give a fuck about you and she just wants her precious baby boy out of your clutches.

Original poster
ErNope · 07/05/2016 22:58

Believe me when I say I'm not there for the in laws lol.
But this may make me reconsider as a whole and OH agrees that it may be time for reconsideration to how we do this, if at all.

OP posts:
TreaterAnita · 07/05/2016 23:02

That sounds pretty rubbish. Do you have to live with them? Can you not rent somewhere and then try to make friends of your own in the trial year? As OohMavis said, I don't think I'd want to live somewhere I clearly wasn't welcome.

Errata · 07/05/2016 23:07

You sound confused as to why you are going to this place. Is it because you both loved the place on its own merits, or is one or both of you hoping for some great emotional reunion with the ILs? You sound as if you have expected your MIL to have changed her mind about you because you're moving to her country, when she clearly hasn't, so I honestly don't think it's reasonable/likely to create happiness for either of you to expect her to be your main source of social interaction after the move.

But why would she be your main source of social interaction, anyway? Can't you speak the language? In which case again, why are you moving there?

Original poster
ErNope · 07/05/2016 23:12

Not a different language, I mean they'd be my closest interaction before I settle and make friends which i'm bad at in the uk nevermind elsewhere so for the first week or so at least. the cost of visas/moving/flights is expensive enough as it is unfortunately we'd need to live there until OH got a job. we have savings to support ourselves other than housing (ie can do groceries/a small 'rent' to IL's to cover extra costs of us living there)
we love the place on its own merits.
Thats why we're going there NOT for IL's but without their help (aka their spare room) it wouldn't really be feasible, sorry I failed to make that clear!

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 07/05/2016 23:25

So you only 'quite like' the place...

Your h has been resisting moving there for years but now wants to?

Why do you have to live with his parents?

What will you both do for jobs and money?

Why do you want to go?

CocktailQueen · 07/05/2016 23:27

So you love the place but you can't afford to move there without staying with his parents?

And his mum doesn't speak to you?

Why on earth are you even considering this??

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 07/05/2016 23:29

Anything closer than 12,000 will be a mistake.

Take advantage of the fact that DH is currently onside with rethinking the plan.

It's hard enough without moving in with someone who is openly hostile. Save your sanity - don't do it.

DoreenLethal · 07/05/2016 23:31

Erm, this is not a good idea.

SaucyJack · 07/05/2016 23:35

Have you considered staying in the UK?

You talk about it a bit like it's inevitable.... but it isn't.

You don't have to leave your home country to go and live with someone who doesn't seem to particularly like you.

MattDillonsPants · 07/05/2016 23:43

OP I've moved to Australia...8 months ago with DH and our DC. We had to live with MIL.

It's hard enough even when the MIL is the most loving, patient and welcoming woman in the world...which my MIL is.

She was desparate for us to come here and we were finally ready....we had hardly any money but DH had a job promised to him...our inlaws supported us financially to make the move, allowed us to live with them....made us more than welcome for as long as we wanted.

Even with all that support it's one of the most stressful things!

If you don't have DC it would be easier....but think hard.

blowmybarnacles · 08/05/2016 00:05

I wouldn't be moving across the world to spend even an hour a day in the company of such people, let alone live with them. Think On.

APomInOz · 08/05/2016 00:07

I moved to the other side of the world and it's the worst decision of my life. ILs very unsupportive and quite useless. I have kids and struggle all the time without having my family around for support. Also, making friends is hard, even though in Australia we like to think we are the same, but we are not and every English person I have met have said the same - we find it hard to gel with the locals. Wish I had left before we had kids, now I'm stuck.

expatinscotland · 08/05/2016 00:07

Moving to the other side of the world with a person you aren't married to and who has ILs you don't get on with. Dumb idea.

WhatTheActualFugg · 08/05/2016 00:25

Moving to the other side of the world with a person you aren't married to and who has ILs you don't get on with. Dumb idea. Exactly this.

WhatTheActualFugg · 08/05/2016 00:30

I know people who did this, OP. They ended up back where they came from within the year having spent all their savings on the two moves. It really had a very lasting affect on their careers and financial security. They basically had to start all over again. It is noticeable in their lives decades later.

This is not the sort of thing you should be doing with any doubt in your mind.

Gide · 08/05/2016 00:34

I really don't think this is an amazing idea. If she's ignoring you now, how will she be with you once you're there? And living in the same house will be appalling if you don't get on.

Alligatorpie · 08/05/2016 00:42

You might find some people who live in your potential new place if you post on the Living Overseas board. They could possibly advise on the challenges of finding work / housing.
I have been overseas for five years, and honestly, I am not sure I would move in your situation. Is your OH supportive of how his mum treats you? Are there cultural differences? Would you be home with his family in the day while he went out to work? Going to a new place with no support is hard enough, if someone I lived with was actively trying to be unkind to me, it would be hell.

Topseyt · 08/05/2016 02:01

I can't see a single valid reason for you to make this move. Your OH sounds as though he may also be having cold feet about it.

Hell would freeze over before I would go and live (even temporarily) with someone who so clearly didn't want me to be there.

I can't believe you are still even considering it. Why? Just why? It won't improve once you are there you know.

Your MIL is making it abundantly clear that she doesn't want you and doesn't see you as part of the package.

FuriousFate · 08/05/2016 02:43

You might want to take a look at The Hague Convention. Once the DC are habitually resident in X country, you'll struggle to bring them back to the UK if you and DP split.

SeasonalVag · 08/05/2016 07:50

Sounds like a nightmare, please see sense and dont do this.

Narp · 08/05/2016 07:54

I would not want to spend more than a few days in the home of someone who was "cold" towards me. To travel across the world, away from friends and security is madness.

FrogFairy · 08/05/2016 09:39

MIL wants her son to move out to her. Once he is there you will be surplus to requirements and I bet she will do everything she can to drive you away back to your family.

rollonthesummer · 08/05/2016 09:44

Why are you moving there? List your reasons.

Swipe left for the next trending thread