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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit... rejected?

61 replies

ErNope · 07/05/2016 22:50

not sure its rejection, rejection seems quite strong... But anyhow.
Oh and I are moving to the other side of the world, to where the in laws emigrated to.
IL's left when OH was barely an adult, tried to sort of hem him into going, but when he refused in an over the top shouty 'why won't you just fucking respect my wishes' kind of fashion, let it go (after nearly a year of attempting to push)
at least 2-3x per year since MIL has brought it up and again tried to push.
OH's response is always a flat out no, until the last time she asked and I sat OH down and thought maybe its worth thinking about, we decided upon a visit.
we visited and quite liked it and decided to move out for a year or so and if we hated it by then, come back, if we love it, then stay.
MIL was quite cold toward me, but I assumed she was the same with everyone (Seeing as OH has said that she wasn't a very loving/feelingsy mother to him). before we decided to move out she sort of glazed over the move when it came to me (My family, who're all in south wales where OH and I live, My job, my career as a whole, OUR plans..) and just kept pushing. this has not changed since deciding to move out...
Now we've agreed to, she doesn't make an effort to talk to me and never has (I have her on all social media sites) when I message her, she often doesn't reply (I message her maybe 1-2 times a week) this went on at one point for 3 consecutive weeks.. like ffs you could well be my main social interaction for a little while, you're the only 'expat' (i think thats what they're called) that I know and i'll be moving into your home yet you don't want to even really communicate with me... I'm just feeling a bit fucked off really? I feel like she expected/expects OH to leave me here... we've been together for years....

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 08/05/2016 10:13

Moving to the other side of the world with a person you aren't married to and who has ILs you don't get on with. Dumb idea.

Yes this. Worth repeating again.

This is an awful idea. If you really, really, LOVE the place, then save a bit longer so you can rent somewhere yourselves first. If you don't love the place then have a massive rethink.

WhatTheActualFugg · 08/05/2016 10:14

Your MIL is making it abundantly clear that she doesn't want you and doesn't see you as part of the package.

Yes, this. You're not married to your OH, are you? Your MIL thinks you're just just another girlfriend. I don't think the invitation to move out was for both of you.

OliviaStabler · 08/05/2016 10:47

MIL wants her son to move out to her. Once he is there you will be surplus to requirements and I bet she will do everything she can to drive you away back to your family.

I believe this too. Once you are out there with no friends or family near you as a support system, it will be far easier for her to slowly chip you out of her sons life.

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2016 10:55

Are you mad?

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 08/05/2016 11:00

Do you have children? Are you aware that by moving even for a year you will make them habitually resident in this other country? If you and dp split you will not be able to bring them back without his permission. What if he wants to stay and you don't?

pinkyredrose · 08/05/2016 11:03

I can't see any benefit to being over there. MIL probably wants her son there without you, she doesn't seem to.like you. Also why the fuck are you messaging her so much? She probably thinks you're pushy and annoying.

Instead of going for a year why don't you go for 3 or 4 months and rent your own place? If you go and stay with the inlaws I think it's highly like that you'll be back in the UK alone while your bloke stays there.

juneau · 08/05/2016 11:05

It sounds like a case of 'be careful what you wish for' in MIL's case. She's been pushing for your OH to join her all this time and now that he actually is, with you in tow, she sounds like she's got cold feet about it.

Personally, I'd probably cancel this massive move if its only for a year and was decided purely so your OH and his parents could be closer. If they don't actually want you there and you'll be stuck living with them for an unspecified period of time (and let's face it - it could be months before you both get a job and have the money to move out), and you're not that keen anyway, why go? Are you committed at this point? If not, I'd back out.

gamerchick · 08/05/2016 11:05

You don't factor in her plans, the best scenario for her would be to leave you behind but if not she'll have a plan b ready to make you leave. Living with her will give her the opportunity to get in the middle of you relationship. Don't do it.

Original poster
ErNope · 08/05/2016 11:08

Thanks all.
We are married.
No kids we were trying but thats a different story
Lots to think about, thats why I posted.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 08/05/2016 11:09

Nooo don't do it.

Thank God the mil showed her true colours before you moved...good your oh having doubts as well.

EsmesBees · 08/05/2016 11:12

That's maybe another reason to pause the move then. You don't want to find yourself with a newborn living in someone's spare room in a country you don't know and a MiL who doesn't like you.

memyselfandaye · 08/05/2016 11:17

Do you both have jobs lined up? If not you will be spending an awful lot of time in her house, with her.

Original poster
ErNope · 08/05/2016 11:21

I'll try and list my reasons for moving vs staying. These are in no particular order, mind you.

  1. Better economy,
  2. Better standard of living
  3. Both me and OH's job are in far higher demand. Which isn't difficult. At the moment 4 jobs for OH that he fits the requirements for are listed on Reed.co.uk. Each one was posted under 3 days ago. Each one has over 100 applicants.
  4. We'd actually have the chance to buy a house, even taking into account the general rise of cost of living there ok you've probably guessed by now its australia
  5. Healthcare is better (we all know the NHS is on its knees)
  6. The commonly done activities vs Activities in UK fit us better as people.
  7. when we visited and went out together we both agreed we just 'felt' at ease and at home. Its hard to explain but something just clicked if you know what I mean?
  8. this ones a bit more personal and I don't really want to mention it for public viewing and may later flag for MN to remove but... I really want to move as far away from 'home' as possible as my restraining order against someone who did some very terrible things to me is due to expire. And I fear he could do it again. This may be paranoia, IMO totally justifiable concern but regardless. I'd feel more at ease if there was a drastically lower chance of us bumping into each other.
  9. I'm just bored of the UK, and even if we don't stay forever/permanently we can come back.
Reasons for staying in the UK.
  1. Oh's job is just about to take a big leap, finally, this could be delayed by moving overseas and likely would be, but this wouldn't impact on us too badly other than making him wait further for progression he's been fighting for a while.
  2. I would have to go back to an old job rather than continuing to retrain, At least in the start, But I don't really mind as its OH's salary we rely on and his covers everything. Mine is just an add on.
  3. family, sticky situation as its really quite volatile there. I love my family, especially the kids (nephews/nieces/cousins etc) but most of the adults, I cannot be alone with for more than 2hrs without a fight starting. I'm not like it with anyone else, just them. Don't know what the problem is but always goes up with a 'bang'. I'm also estranged from my parents, with good reason, so it can be hard to keep in touch with everyone else anyway as I won't see them at the same time.
  4. the UK is a shithole, but its my shithole and I think I would miss it more than anyone can really gauge. thats why its open for us to come back after 1yr.
OP posts:
Original poster
ErNope · 08/05/2016 11:23

I wouldn't be having a baby in the first year anyway thats why I say we were trying (Not anymore though!) but that would be one hell of a reason to reconsider I grant you!
We are reconsidering, not the move itself as I've said I do love the country itself (And I have to make that clear!) but how we're going to do it and how we could do it without moving in with IL's.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErNope · 08/05/2016 11:25

Oops I ignored someone, sorry!
I don't have a job lined up. OH has an offer of casual employment within certain months of the year, but i'm sure he'd get something more permanent quite quickly.

OP posts:
pictish · 08/05/2016 11:39

I think after a year of living with in laws you'll be clawing to get out.

brassbrass · 08/05/2016 11:47

If she doesn't respect you how are you going to live with them for a year?

It sounds like you're setting yourself up for a whole heap of pain.

You say you don't like the adults in your family here but the adults in your ILs family don't sound much better tbh so same problem different location but his time you'd be dependent on them. Ouch.

rollonthesummer · 08/05/2016 12:30

Does she want you living in her spare room-she doesn't seem keen?

juneau · 08/05/2016 13:09

Okay, well I can see you've got some good reasons for moving - particularly the one about the restraining order. I'd make damn sure that you won't be living with the ILs when you arrive though, if it was me. If MIL is being arsey from 12,000 miles away just imagine what it will be like when you're sharing a house. Save up and move with six months' living costs in the bank, if you can. That way you'll be relying on no one but yourselves.

MammaTJ · 08/05/2016 13:16

If she can't even be polite enough to respond to messages, then this will not work!

Sorry, but it won't.

Could you try to message her and ask why she never replies? I feel you have nothing to lose.

JeepersMcoy · 08/05/2016 13:20

I can see why you want to move and don't think you should not go at all just because your mil is difficult. However, I think you need to find a way to do it without moving in with her even if that means you have to wait a while to save up and find jobs before going. Even in the best circumstances moving that far is going to be difficult at times. If you move in with someone who won't speak to you this is just setting yourselves up to fail and waste an amazing opportunity.

msrisotto · 08/05/2016 13:34

Don't live with her, you will be miserable and she will get much worse. Relationships like this are infinitely better at a distance. (BTW, why are you messaging her so often?)

Topseyt · 08/05/2016 13:49

OK, I get it a bit more now, though I certainly would not want to move in with your MIL. I think she is making it very clear that she doesn't want that either, and it seems that you and she don't exactly hit it off. Your DH also has doubts about it.

You are married, yet your MIL wants your DH there but not you? Be very wary of that.

Perhaps look to start off with a short term let of a place to yourselves while you find your feet and settle down enough to make informed decisions about what you want to do long term.

Why is it so important to you to keep messaging your MIL? Stop that. She clearly isn't interested so leave her to it.

AugustaFinkNottle · 08/05/2016 13:54

I wouldn't contemplate moving unless you have a job lined up before you go that will cover the costs of renting.

YouTheCat · 08/05/2016 13:58

Leave it a bit longer. Save a bit more. Make sure you both have jobs lined up and somewhere to stay that isn't dependent on ils who sound awful.