To ask my friend to stop turning up at my house every single day? (very long sorry!)

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Ok so I have a male friend, I'll call him X to save me typing my friend all the time!

I apologise for the seriously long post but I'm trying to avoid drip feeding.

So my OH and I have known X for many years, we all grew up in the same village, went to the same school (although not at the same time he is 6 years older than me but the same age as OH), went to the same local pub etc etc.

He has fallen out with various people over the years because he is a very big gossip/stirrer and people obviously don't take too kindly to this including my OH who doesn't have anything to do with him other than being polite/civil if they bump into each other.

He has a really annoying habit of just turning up at my house rather than texting/ringing first - hasn't really been much of an issue up to now as I am rarely in my house and if I wasn't at home he would just drive off, but I go somewhere every evening and X used to go there maybe once or twice a week at the same time as me.

I don't want to state where it is I go in the evenings (it's not a pub or anything like that!) because it might out me but I have to go there every evening at roughly the same time there is no alternative to this incase someone suggestions not going there. I HAVE to keep him on my side for reasons which I won't go into - falling out with him would be serious bad news for me.

So X is single and a few years ago (when me and my OH had just started dating) he helped me out a LOT with different things - I never asked him to, he always just happened to be around when I was struggling with something and this saved me a great deal of effort and time for which I was massively thankful for.

Anyway, he used to confide in me for different things, mainly his love life, and took my listening as a wrong signal and asked me out on a date - I let him down gently by saying sorry you're a nice guy but I only see you as a friend and you're not my type I'm dating Y (my current OH) to which he then wanted to know what Y had that he didn't. Got very offended and avoided me for weeks and made things very difficult for me.

Fast forward to now- he had been relatively normal up to 3 weeks ago, was happy me and OH are still together but had this annoying habit of just turning up to my house every weekend without fail when he knows I'm really really busy and only have a few hours on the weekend to do things I want to do, whether it be cleaning the house or just relaxing for 2 hours max. He would turn up and stay for those entire 2 hours just gossping/stirring and going on and on about his lovelife or lack thereof.

So about 2 months ago he met a woman, turned up and told me all about it, I was genuinely really happy for him and didn't hear from him much during the 3 weeks they were together but then it went horribly wrong he tried pushing it into something more serious really quickly, she freaked out and backed off.

Since then he has been calling me daily/texting me/turning up at my house on a daily basis and going on and on and on about how they split up, insists I read all the messages between them, replays all the scenarios and we have the same conversation every single day.

He he has now met another girl which happens to be an ex girlfriend of my OH from years ago. Told me he happened to bump into her even though she lives 20 miles away and he wasn't anywhere near her home town and then she went back to his and slept together... I find this really hard to believe but that's not the point - he keeps begging me not to tell my OH as he thinks he will get really mad (he won't!) yet rings me to talk about her when he knows I will be with my OH.
He now wants me to go to this girls place of work to "check her out" on his behalf to see if she's his type - I have no idea what his type is it seems to be anyone that will listen to him for more than 5 minutes. I also find it hard to get my head around why someone would need "checking out" after they've already slept together?

I'm getting fed up of him quite frankly, I'm fed up of him turning up unannounced at my house every day - I'm rarely there but my neighbour has told me he has often sat outside for an hour or more and that would coincide with phone calls asking where I was. He waits for me in the evenings at the place I go, and then goes on and on, if I say sorry I'm busy gotta dash he will follow me in the car then go on and on, turns up at my parents house if I'm there.
I work from home twice a week and he came round last week and let himself in because I didn't answer! was most put out when I said I was working and waited outside my house until I'd finished and tackled me when I was leaving the house. And if all of that fails he will ring me constantly. I can't not answer as it might be important and he will start off the conversation with something that seems quite genuine and then ramble on about his love life or start gossiping.

He constantly looks for compliments - sent me a message on FB yesterday which said "oh I don't think I'll be seeing this girl again I'm FAR too ugly" obviously wanting me to say no you're not etc.

Luckily my OH knows what X is like and doesn't seem him as a threat whatsoever but that's not really the point - I wouldn't dream of hounding a male friend if they were in a relationship! OH knows I am in a difficult position with regards to not offending him also.

I think most people in this situation would have asked X to stop this but he gets massively offended if you say you can't talk and goes into a strop and then proceeds to make things awkward for me.

He rang me yesterday, I didn't answer as I was in a meeting so he then text me asking why I wouldn't answer so I said I was busy and what is the problem? He just said nothing is wrong I just need to chat to you so can you answer. I just said no sorry I'm really busy to which he said fine I'll see you later then.

He doesn't seem to get the message, I've tried hiding in my house when he turns up (I really shouldn't have to!) but he will try all the doors in my house, goes round the back, rings me, waits outside etc and its all to gossip or tell me about his latest love conquest and I've had enough. If I say I'm really busy don't have time to stop and chat he won't take this as a hint to leave he just says he will talk whilst I carry on doing whatever it is I need to do. Last week I thought I had found the perfect answer - I said I wasn't feeling well and wanted to just try and have a sleep so he said ok I'll just wait downstairs for you then!

I also feel incredibly guilty as he has helped me out a lot in the past and don't really want that thrown in my face either and I feel like a right cow for not wanting to speak to him all the time when he obviously doesn't have anyone else to talk to.

It's not as if I didn't give him the time of day to start with - when he broke up with the first girl initially I was there for him every single day for 2 weeks, gave him advice which he completely ignored - I told him to delete her from Facebook because he kept checking what she had posted then sent me screenshots and wanted me to analyse it in detail as to what she was trying to say. Apparently " Just popping to the shops with friends" is a cryptic message saying she wants to get back together and wouldn't have it when I said it wasn't anything other than just popping to the shops with her friends.

So I need to somehow tell him in a way which won't offend him and make him go off on one, that I can't cope with the daily bombardment of messages/phone calls/ turning up.

Any ideas please? and thankyou for getting this far!

Enrique all sound advice. I guess the OP struggles to not answer his calls in case they are connected to her business though. I think it's really essential to just cut these ties and find alternative premises. It will be tough at first but she will feel so much better for having made the break.

What MintyChops said.

No matter how much I loved a business, I couldn't live like this.

His behaviour sounds scary, you sound afraid of him, this is not a friendship and you need to get away from him. He's obsessed and stalking you.

Mardle like I said, mine was a massive cross post. I don't know why but MN seems like that sometimes and I do have a very slow connection which is why I always refresh before typing. I don't think I took that long and my advice still stands anyway gien that the OP really didn't want to make waves.

The big issue seems to be that these premises are specialist and nothing else that might be available is feasible. Plus the queue of people who'd happily take her place.

The guy's past behaviour is awful, leaving the place unlocked, leaving stuff out in bad weather etc. I wonder how he'll respond to the message he's been sent now.

I think most people in this situation would have asked X to stop this but he gets massively offended if you say you can't talk and goes into a strop and then proceeds to make things awkward for me

Yes - most people would have told him outright by now to piss off stop

There is no way this can be continuing unless this man has a hold over you, something to blackmail you with, even. You speak as if its impossible to prevent what is happening, impossible to have him out of your life. You want advice - but you know how to stop him, including involving the law if need be. Somehow, I suspect you won't because there is a reason you can't

You need to admit fully to yourself what that reason is and why it means this man has free reign to invade your life in this way. When you're in full acceptance and admittance mode regarding that, you can apply logic to what must be done for it all to cease

OP Is he doing you a massive favour on the rent rates for this place? I guess he must be, for you to have put up with this invasive and unreasonable crap for so long.

I think you need to be ready to walk away from the business to get this guy to back off. Right now he's perfectly aware of the power he holds over you and right now you are 'paying' for access to his property in the form of his unlimited access to you. That's the tacit deal. It is very likely that if you withdraw access to yourself he will see this as reneging on the deal and withdraw access to his property.

If it really matters to you to get him to back the hell off, it's a risk you will have to take.

That is it in a nutshell OTHM

I think you need to be ready to walk away from the business to get this guy to back off. Right now he's perfectly aware of the power he holds over you and right now you are 'paying' for access to his property in the form of his unlimited access to you. That's the tacit deal. It is very likely that if you withdraw access to yourself he will see this as reneging on the deal and withdraw access to his property.

Much of this advice hinges on this guy being rational and bad at misreading cues, but this is not the case. Actually he sees the cues for what they are and doesn't care anyway. The most chilling thing is that when you turned him down, he started damaging property and blocking you in wherever this business is. That's proper stalker and possibly dangerous behaviour

We fell out in the past (because I wouldn't go on a date with him) and he kept doing stupid things like changing gate padlocks, putting large vehicles in the way, so I couldn't gain entry, leaving doors unlocked, leaving stuff out in the rain, really annoying childish things and since that episode I've been looking for somewhere else but sadly there isn't anywhere

Run, baby run. Is the business really worth putting up with all of the nastiness?

You need to give up the business I'm afraid. Yes it absolutely sucks but it's just not worth this level of hassle. I haven't seen you mention any kids so assuming you don't have any could moving be a possibility. Somewhere nearer this other place where you can run your business (I take it you need some expensive machinery or something), and leave no forwarding address for X. Anything you do where he doesn't get his own way is clearly going to make him nastier so even if you walk away from the business I don't think he's going to leave you alone as long as you can find you. Frankly I'd be concerned that this level of obsession could actually make him a danger to you when you try to break away. Get the hell out.

Has he replied yet OP?

What Cora said?

Did you get a reply OP?

Is there any way any of us can help? Find premises, set something up? I dunno. I just can't stand people like this. It makes me so angry to think you have to hide in your own home.

If you want someone to vent at or find a way, message me. Seeing as I'm at home with a baby I have a lot of time.

He has NO RIGHT WHAT SO EVER to be like this with you. Grrrr.

He knows he has leverage with you and he's using it to its fullest extent, probably has plans to increase the leverage if any opportunities present themselves

Very manipulative, but not all that clever, I mean he's not subtle is he

I agree with everyone else. You need to sacrifice the business if you want a calm, nice life.

If you're running this business successfully you will find something else to do. It's really not worth hanging on to something if it is affecting your happiness so much.

Can you formalise the arrangement with a contract? i.e. pay rent instead of payment in kind, get a tight renewable lease in place etc.

What you are going through is unsustainable and he certainly sounds like he has no clue about boundaries, either due to a personality flaw or mental health.

I thought ASD too.

sorry for the late replies everyone only had chance to get on here now.

Ok so he replied... took offence to it as I expected and then waited for me in the evening when I went down.

When he saw me he said "oh I'd better not look or even talk to you incase your OH sees us!" I was already in a bad mood anyway due to stuff going wrong in work that afternoon so I just snapped!

Told him the constant phone calls and turning up had to stop - completely denied calling me/messaging me every day to which I then showed him the messages and call logs, got very offended and said he didn't realise I was counting.

Said he wanted to ring OH and tell him we have a special friendship (erm....) and that he needs to grow up and stop thinking the worst!

OH rang just on queue so I said hang on X wants to have a word - passed the phone over and X looked at me completely horrified and backed off!

I challenged him - said it was his perfect opportunity to have a word and he said he just didn't want to rock the boat and promised to stop ringing me/turning up and messaging me every day - I don't believe it for a minute but for now I will have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

He then changed the subject and started going on about how he'd met another woman the night before and gone home and slept with her! sheeesh give me strength!

I interrupted him and said that I was thinking of doing X Y Z with the business and would need a formal contract in place as the childish strops are making me nervous... went on and on about how he didn't understand why I needed that and things were going fine the way they were etc but I still insisted.

I am still looking for other opportunities all the time but for now it seems the main problem might be solved.

Thanks to everyone on here for the support - I know it probably seems pathetic but without this thread I don't think I would have had the balls to say what I needed to say as deep down I kept thinking it was my fault and I've somehow encouraged it.

I am really quite concerned for you OP, he doesn't sound at all well, and I doubt very much you confronting him will make a jot of difference I'm afraid.

I think you really need to cut all ties to him, and if that means putting the business on hold until you find alternative premises, secure a business loan or whatever, so be it.

His behaviour is not normal, he has an unhealthy level of interest in you and it is manifesting as stalking. This situation has the possibility of escalating, and could be very dangerous for you.

I urge you to report his behaviour to the Police, of for nothing else to have it logged, then god forbid he does ramp up his behaviour, they can act much faster as their is a history of intimidating behaviour.

I work with offenders OP, and every time you allow him to remain in your home after turning up unannounced, return his calls when he asks you to, is just validating to him your relationship as he sees it, which will be very, very different to how you see it.

His intensity in new relationships is another red flag, and is a clear sign that X often forms inappropriate attachments with people, seeing relationships as being more than they really are. He sees this with you too, to him you are not just friends, he likely believes that you want him as much as he wants you.

Please OP, get yourself away from this man. I might be totally wrong, but in my personal experience in offender behaviour work with these types of men, alarm bells are going off like a siren and I really hope you are able to break ties with him.

Cripes I'd be happy to go for the 30 miles away option. 5 miles isn't walking distance so once you have to get in the car you might as well go for the nice 'field of ponies' than the one with this loser. The inconvenience isn't that much more imo.

Well done on sticking up for yourself. I know you said that lots of other people would use this facility if you didn't, but I imagine if X is like this with you he'd be a PITA with any customers and they'd soon look elsewhere. I think you hold more cards than you realise.

Hopefully he'll back off but I think you still need to look at other options.
Well done for confronting him!

Well done, does sound like he's not listening though- I wonder if anything will change?

My DH would be livid if this was going on, he's not some deconstructed male either, he's an Architect but he wouldn't detach himself from the situation, he'd be horrified at the intrusion and nothing I'd say would stop him sorting it out. Does your OH know the extent of his stalking or have you told him not to intervene because of the business?

Well done for sticking up for yourself OP! If you're his last 'friend' he may well just rein himself in a little as he might not want to lose you too. It might be enough to sort your situation out and make him more easy to deal with in the meantime.

Oh dear, it sounds like this has tipped over into obsession/ stalking/mental health problems. Is it possible to approach this with humour - I'd bet it isn't. Don't suppose you could answer the door with, "You again!" but you say he has the hide of a rhino. I know it's drastic but could you move house? But then, why should you? Do you have a forceful friend who could stay with you and answer him back if you can't? And why does your husband not tell him to eff off? Tasteful net curtains at every window to hide the fact that you're in are the only other thing I can come up with. What the devil was he like to live with?

I really don't think getting a proper contract in place with X will help at all. He won't respect it, he'll still be able to give you grief and even trying to make him 'behave' through official channels (should he agree to a contract which I doubt anyway) will still mean he is entangled with you which is exactly what he wants.

Either stop the business or move it somewhere else.