To ask my friend to stop turning up at my house every single day? (very long sorry!)

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Ok so I have a male friend, I'll call him X to save me typing my friend all the time!

I apologise for the seriously long post but I'm trying to avoid drip feeding.

So my OH and I have known X for many years, we all grew up in the same village, went to the same school (although not at the same time he is 6 years older than me but the same age as OH), went to the same local pub etc etc.

He has fallen out with various people over the years because he is a very big gossip/stirrer and people obviously don't take too kindly to this including my OH who doesn't have anything to do with him other than being polite/civil if they bump into each other.

He has a really annoying habit of just turning up at my house rather than texting/ringing first - hasn't really been much of an issue up to now as I am rarely in my house and if I wasn't at home he would just drive off, but I go somewhere every evening and X used to go there maybe once or twice a week at the same time as me.

I don't want to state where it is I go in the evenings (it's not a pub or anything like that!) because it might out me but I have to go there every evening at roughly the same time there is no alternative to this incase someone suggestions not going there. I HAVE to keep him on my side for reasons which I won't go into - falling out with him would be serious bad news for me.

So X is single and a few years ago (when me and my OH had just started dating) he helped me out a LOT with different things - I never asked him to, he always just happened to be around when I was struggling with something and this saved me a great deal of effort and time for which I was massively thankful for.

Anyway, he used to confide in me for different things, mainly his love life, and took my listening as a wrong signal and asked me out on a date - I let him down gently by saying sorry you're a nice guy but I only see you as a friend and you're not my type I'm dating Y (my current OH) to which he then wanted to know what Y had that he didn't. Got very offended and avoided me for weeks and made things very difficult for me.

Fast forward to now- he had been relatively normal up to 3 weeks ago, was happy me and OH are still together but had this annoying habit of just turning up to my house every weekend without fail when he knows I'm really really busy and only have a few hours on the weekend to do things I want to do, whether it be cleaning the house or just relaxing for 2 hours max. He would turn up and stay for those entire 2 hours just gossping/stirring and going on and on about his lovelife or lack thereof.

So about 2 months ago he met a woman, turned up and told me all about it, I was genuinely really happy for him and didn't hear from him much during the 3 weeks they were together but then it went horribly wrong he tried pushing it into something more serious really quickly, she freaked out and backed off.

Since then he has been calling me daily/texting me/turning up at my house on a daily basis and going on and on and on about how they split up, insists I read all the messages between them, replays all the scenarios and we have the same conversation every single day.

He he has now met another girl which happens to be an ex girlfriend of my OH from years ago. Told me he happened to bump into her even though she lives 20 miles away and he wasn't anywhere near her home town and then she went back to his and slept together... I find this really hard to believe but that's not the point - he keeps begging me not to tell my OH as he thinks he will get really mad (he won't!) yet rings me to talk about her when he knows I will be with my OH.
He now wants me to go to this girls place of work to "check her out" on his behalf to see if she's his type - I have no idea what his type is it seems to be anyone that will listen to him for more than 5 minutes. I also find it hard to get my head around why someone would need "checking out" after they've already slept together?

I'm getting fed up of him quite frankly, I'm fed up of him turning up unannounced at my house every day - I'm rarely there but my neighbour has told me he has often sat outside for an hour or more and that would coincide with phone calls asking where I was. He waits for me in the evenings at the place I go, and then goes on and on, if I say sorry I'm busy gotta dash he will follow me in the car then go on and on, turns up at my parents house if I'm there.
I work from home twice a week and he came round last week and let himself in because I didn't answer! was most put out when I said I was working and waited outside my house until I'd finished and tackled me when I was leaving the house. And if all of that fails he will ring me constantly. I can't not answer as it might be important and he will start off the conversation with something that seems quite genuine and then ramble on about his love life or start gossiping.

He constantly looks for compliments - sent me a message on FB yesterday which said "oh I don't think I'll be seeing this girl again I'm FAR too ugly" obviously wanting me to say no you're not etc.

Luckily my OH knows what X is like and doesn't seem him as a threat whatsoever but that's not really the point - I wouldn't dream of hounding a male friend if they were in a relationship! OH knows I am in a difficult position with regards to not offending him also.

I think most people in this situation would have asked X to stop this but he gets massively offended if you say you can't talk and goes into a strop and then proceeds to make things awkward for me.

He rang me yesterday, I didn't answer as I was in a meeting so he then text me asking why I wouldn't answer so I said I was busy and what is the problem? He just said nothing is wrong I just need to chat to you so can you answer. I just said no sorry I'm really busy to which he said fine I'll see you later then.

He doesn't seem to get the message, I've tried hiding in my house when he turns up (I really shouldn't have to!) but he will try all the doors in my house, goes round the back, rings me, waits outside etc and its all to gossip or tell me about his latest love conquest and I've had enough. If I say I'm really busy don't have time to stop and chat he won't take this as a hint to leave he just says he will talk whilst I carry on doing whatever it is I need to do. Last week I thought I had found the perfect answer - I said I wasn't feeling well and wanted to just try and have a sleep so he said ok I'll just wait downstairs for you then!

I also feel incredibly guilty as he has helped me out a lot in the past and don't really want that thrown in my face either and I feel like a right cow for not wanting to speak to him all the time when he obviously doesn't have anyone else to talk to.

It's not as if I didn't give him the time of day to start with - when he broke up with the first girl initially I was there for him every single day for 2 weeks, gave him advice which he completely ignored - I told him to delete her from Facebook because he kept checking what she had posted then sent me screenshots and wanted me to analyse it in detail as to what she was trying to say. Apparently " Just popping to the shops with friends" is a cryptic message saying she wants to get back together and wouldn't have it when I said it wasn't anything other than just popping to the shops with her friends.

So I need to somehow tell him in a way which won't offend him and make him go off on one, that I can't cope with the daily bombardment of messages/phone calls/ turning up.

Any ideas please? and thankyou for getting this far!

Poor you. I agree with TradGirl i'd rather just lance the boil and deal with the fallout.

It might be that there is no fallout, by the way.

" if this is something like he owns a field you keep ponies in for free / low rent or something"
This sounds like a pretty good example, lets all say its that rather than pressing the OP for details of her private life.

Oh there will be a fallout I have no question about that! But you're all right - I may have to give it all up so I can be free of him which just seems such a shame

I guess you have to weigh up which you want, a life without him or a business. :(

Although you really love the business - what would happen if you quit from a financial point of view? You saw you work full time already so surely you have financial security in place?

Is your business something that could be carried out from home?

By 'facilities' do you mean a space that he lets you use?

Is this part time work really worth the hassle?

Surely there is some legal way to manage the facilities. And then deal with him as a stalker because that's what he is

Have you thought about repulsion him? Becoming the type of person he doesn't like so he backs off you?

It could be worth calling him incessantly to see if he's free, as you and hubby can't wait to see him. Knock on his door a lot. Turn up at his social places. People often are more attracted to things they can't have. Something attainable is less appealing.

repulsing typo

Or whilst you are still on good terms with him could you put the rental on an official basis - say you need to do it for tax reasons or something?

I have found that with people who do not read between the lines or take hints it is necessary to spell out exactly what you mean. So, you need to actually say "I feel smothered by you coming to my house and calling me so frequently. I want to be friends, but please would you call me less often and accept that sometimes I can't talk."

I thought he might own/run an ice rink and you had to practice twice a day for the next winter Olympics with your ice dancing partner to be the next Torvill and Dean.
Next one 30 miles away so too far and would therefore shatter your dreams of Olympic glory.

Sorry, I have an overactive imagination and am distracting myself from doing actual work.

Seriously though, he is in the creepy stalker catergory. Clearly obsessed with you, and to me quite scary.
The fact that he sits outside your house and checks the doors ffs would have me calling the police!
I can see you are in a bind with your business and assume you do some sort of classes/craft based/pottery type thing as odd hours, but I would seriously cut my losses, and tell creepy weirdo to fuck off before things get worse.

Do you think that, with your OH's permission, either:
A. I really value your friendship, X, but OH is becoming jealous at the amount of time we're spending together. Can we tone it down?
Or
B. Be increasingly bad company. Every time he talks about something, bring it back to your life which is going SO well. Or not-so-subtly insult him, like "oh, well, SHE seems like one of those girls who only goes for really attractive/rich/popular guys. So shallow. I honestly can't stand people like that. It actually reminds me of a tv show I saw the other day...."

He is abusing you and holding this over you.

Two choices then:

1)Get the current situation formalised.

2)Set up alternative and get out from his control.

Personally, I'd go for option 2. I couldn't allow someone to abuse me and to control my life.

Go for option 2 and then cut all ties with him. He's not a friend. He's stalking and (tacitly) blackmailing you.

God, this is awful. He is obsessed with you, probably in love you with you and loves the fact that he has this important connection and sense of ownership over you because of the business thing. He is sees it as his right to turn up on your doorstep and invade your privacy whenever he likes. He's telling himself this is how 'good friends' are with one another - he does you this favour and you accept in return that he is devoid of normal boundaries. but it's not remotely normal, he's just quite simply stalking you, and taking advantage of your reluctance to confront him because of your business. It's a nasty form of emotional blackmail and power play.

I think he probably has a personality disorder and I honestly don't know how you've managed to stomach it this long, frankly.

The only possible thing you can do is sit him down and tell him how you feel. and ask him to respect your space and back off. Tell him it's totally ruining the friendship and you'd hate to have to fall out with him but soon he will leave you no choice. Say you sincerely hope he won't be spiteful by withdrawing use of our business premises, offer to pay him the market rate if you are not already, so he doesn't have that hold over you, but that you really cannot carry on with the level of contact he expects from you, him walking into your house uninvited etc., it's damaging your relationship with your partner and it's starting to make you feel stressed and ill.

I suspect he will get very vindictive but I don't think there is anything you can do about that. I would give up that business in a heartbeat before I could live another day like this. Is it really worth it, to beholden to him and compromising your privacy and your personal space day in day out?

Quite honestly, this is the sort of thing that would make me move house and block all contact.

Is he the employer/LL of you or a relative?

You can't live like this.

He controls something to which she needs to retain access. The details are not relevant, surely?

How can people help to give advice to help OP end this friendship - which she is saying she wants to do but cant because of this one thing - if they dont know what it is? All that will happen is post after post, going round in circles about people guessing.

Christ, what a nightmare. He sounds unhinged. Do you think he'll leave you alone if you stop using his facilities?

Oh man, you are utterly caught between a rock and a hard place.

This man is no friend. He possibly still holds a candle for you, is stalking you and harassing you to the point where your life is miserable. He also has total control of this situation and you are powerless, due to this business situation.

We fell out in the past (because I wouldn't go on a date with him) and he kept doing stupid things like changing gate padlocks, putting large vehicles in the way, so I couldn't gain entry, leaving doors unlocked, leaving stuff out in the rain, really annoying childish things and since that episode I've been looking for somewhere else but sadly there isn't anywhere. He apologised for being such a dick afterwards and everything went back to normal.

Fuck that

Sadly, I think you only have one choice to make: put up with his harrassment or tell him to get out of your life and kiss the business goodbye. I can't see there being any middle ground.

Oh I missed you big reveal. Sounds very rural.

The thing is, any business which depends on the goodwill of an outside party is pretty much doomed anyway. It also isn't good for your health to know that he could pull the rug out from under you at any time.

The first thing I would do is to sort out a proper lease. Tell him that you are looking at a new supplier of something-or-other and that before you get their special trade rate, they want to see a copy of a lease to prove that you are a proper trader and not just someone trying for a decent discount. This does happen, I was asked for this kind of proof by a supplier of animal feed once. You could also tell him that you want a proper agreement because you don't want him to ever feel in the future that you have taken advantage. It will mean paying rent, but that's a normal cost of doing business.

Once that is in place, you have some security and you can talk more about boundaries without being so afraid of the consequences.

Is there any chance that you could go away for a few days, to break the cycle of him being able to contact you every day? Or could you get the "flu" and be unable to cope with seeing anyone for a while?

This sounds incredibly unhealthy and unacceptable.

I hear you're in a bind with him but surely this can't go on. Here's some of the options I see:

1. Carry on as it is.

1. Get your OH to speak to him. However that could fuel the fire seeing as he's mostly chasing you when OH isn't around and has so little respect for boundaries that he thinks it's ok to harass you, stalk you, and let himself in your house.

1. Speak to him yourself. Do it bluntly but kindly. Sometimes people who aren't good at boundaries just need someone to spell it out clearly to them. However this doesn't sound like he's just not great socially, it sounds like there is a serious problem here. Asking him for space relies on him respecting you enough and it just sounds like he's being abusive, or at the very least incredibly self-absorbed and inappropriate.

1. Get something legal in place for your work arrangement.

1. After getting your work arrangement sorted, go to the police. Get as much evidence as you can - texts, call history, names of neighbours as witnesses, a record of what's been going on.

1. Alternatively go the police first and worry about your work arrangement second. Surely you'd save more time doing the 30km round trip than spending hours and hours of your day listening to him/ avoiding him?? Or tell your clients you're taking a break for a couple of months to give yourself time to get set up elsewhere?

Whatever you decide to do, I think you need to try and protect yourself. Make sure you always lock your doors and windows. Don't feel the need to reply to his texts and calls immediately or ever - you mentioned an example when he called you in a meeting and you texted back - just ignore it until you're not busy, by engaging with him you're encouraging him hounding you. Be specific about when you have time to see him and stick to it. If he follows you to the car, say goodbye and drive off - don't feel trapped just because he's talking - he's the one being rude, not you. If you say you need to go on the phone, hang up, don't keep listening to him. Start taking the power back from him.

Good luck.

I hope you find a way to be free of him and once you do you can be straight with him. Right now I'd be putting my effort into getting free of him, whatever that entails, and then I would tell him straight,

In the meantime I might pick up a rather nasty vomiting and diarrhea bug every time I am at home and could not possibly see guests in case they catch it. But be careful, too much D and V and he might see through it.

There was way too much in your opening post for me to get all so I hope I've not missed a salient point!

Good luck.

Is the plan to make the business your FT job at some point?

Well IMO whatever the thing is that he provides and you need - you either have to put up with his behaviour (which I couldn't do btw) or find an alternative, even if it isn't as good a thing, just so you can tell him to disappear.

No thing is worth being hounded constantly for.