To ask my friend to stop turning up at my house every single day? (very long sorry!)

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Ok so I have a male friend, I'll call him X to save me typing my friend all the time!

I apologise for the seriously long post but I'm trying to avoid drip feeding.

So my OH and I have known X for many years, we all grew up in the same village, went to the same school (although not at the same time he is 6 years older than me but the same age as OH), went to the same local pub etc etc.

He has fallen out with various people over the years because he is a very big gossip/stirrer and people obviously don't take too kindly to this including my OH who doesn't have anything to do with him other than being polite/civil if they bump into each other.

He has a really annoying habit of just turning up at my house rather than texting/ringing first - hasn't really been much of an issue up to now as I am rarely in my house and if I wasn't at home he would just drive off, but I go somewhere every evening and X used to go there maybe once or twice a week at the same time as me.

I don't want to state where it is I go in the evenings (it's not a pub or anything like that!) because it might out me but I have to go there every evening at roughly the same time there is no alternative to this incase someone suggestions not going there. I HAVE to keep him on my side for reasons which I won't go into - falling out with him would be serious bad news for me.

So X is single and a few years ago (when me and my OH had just started dating) he helped me out a LOT with different things - I never asked him to, he always just happened to be around when I was struggling with something and this saved me a great deal of effort and time for which I was massively thankful for.

Anyway, he used to confide in me for different things, mainly his love life, and took my listening as a wrong signal and asked me out on a date - I let him down gently by saying sorry you're a nice guy but I only see you as a friend and you're not my type I'm dating Y (my current OH) to which he then wanted to know what Y had that he didn't. Got very offended and avoided me for weeks and made things very difficult for me.

Fast forward to now- he had been relatively normal up to 3 weeks ago, was happy me and OH are still together but had this annoying habit of just turning up to my house every weekend without fail when he knows I'm really really busy and only have a few hours on the weekend to do things I want to do, whether it be cleaning the house or just relaxing for 2 hours max. He would turn up and stay for those entire 2 hours just gossping/stirring and going on and on about his lovelife or lack thereof.

So about 2 months ago he met a woman, turned up and told me all about it, I was genuinely really happy for him and didn't hear from him much during the 3 weeks they were together but then it went horribly wrong he tried pushing it into something more serious really quickly, she freaked out and backed off.

Since then he has been calling me daily/texting me/turning up at my house on a daily basis and going on and on and on about how they split up, insists I read all the messages between them, replays all the scenarios and we have the same conversation every single day.

He he has now met another girl which happens to be an ex girlfriend of my OH from years ago. Told me he happened to bump into her even though she lives 20 miles away and he wasn't anywhere near her home town and then she went back to his and slept together... I find this really hard to believe but that's not the point - he keeps begging me not to tell my OH as he thinks he will get really mad (he won't!) yet rings me to talk about her when he knows I will be with my OH.
He now wants me to go to this girls place of work to "check her out" on his behalf to see if she's his type - I have no idea what his type is it seems to be anyone that will listen to him for more than 5 minutes. I also find it hard to get my head around why someone would need "checking out" after they've already slept together?

I'm getting fed up of him quite frankly, I'm fed up of him turning up unannounced at my house every day - I'm rarely there but my neighbour has told me he has often sat outside for an hour or more and that would coincide with phone calls asking where I was. He waits for me in the evenings at the place I go, and then goes on and on, if I say sorry I'm busy gotta dash he will follow me in the car then go on and on, turns up at my parents house if I'm there.
I work from home twice a week and he came round last week and let himself in because I didn't answer! was most put out when I said I was working and waited outside my house until I'd finished and tackled me when I was leaving the house. And if all of that fails he will ring me constantly. I can't not answer as it might be important and he will start off the conversation with something that seems quite genuine and then ramble on about his love life or start gossiping.

He constantly looks for compliments - sent me a message on FB yesterday which said "oh I don't think I'll be seeing this girl again I'm FAR too ugly" obviously wanting me to say no you're not etc.

Luckily my OH knows what X is like and doesn't seem him as a threat whatsoever but that's not really the point - I wouldn't dream of hounding a male friend if they were in a relationship! OH knows I am in a difficult position with regards to not offending him also.

I think most people in this situation would have asked X to stop this but he gets massively offended if you say you can't talk and goes into a strop and then proceeds to make things awkward for me.

He rang me yesterday, I didn't answer as I was in a meeting so he then text me asking why I wouldn't answer so I said I was busy and what is the problem? He just said nothing is wrong I just need to chat to you so can you answer. I just said no sorry I'm really busy to which he said fine I'll see you later then.

He doesn't seem to get the message, I've tried hiding in my house when he turns up (I really shouldn't have to!) but he will try all the doors in my house, goes round the back, rings me, waits outside etc and its all to gossip or tell me about his latest love conquest and I've had enough. If I say I'm really busy don't have time to stop and chat he won't take this as a hint to leave he just says he will talk whilst I carry on doing whatever it is I need to do. Last week I thought I had found the perfect answer - I said I wasn't feeling well and wanted to just try and have a sleep so he said ok I'll just wait downstairs for you then!

I also feel incredibly guilty as he has helped me out a lot in the past and don't really want that thrown in my face either and I feel like a right cow for not wanting to speak to him all the time when he obviously doesn't have anyone else to talk to.

It's not as if I didn't give him the time of day to start with - when he broke up with the first girl initially I was there for him every single day for 2 weeks, gave him advice which he completely ignored - I told him to delete her from Facebook because he kept checking what she had posted then sent me screenshots and wanted me to analyse it in detail as to what she was trying to say. Apparently " Just popping to the shops with friends" is a cryptic message saying she wants to get back together and wouldn't have it when I said it wasn't anything other than just popping to the shops with her friends.

So I need to somehow tell him in a way which won't offend him and make him go off on one, that I can't cope with the daily bombardment of messages/phone calls/ turning up.

Any ideas please? and thankyou for getting this far!

Surely whatever hold he has over you can't be unique enough to out you? . Are you in a witness protection programme? Still wouldn't out you on here, though...

He's some kind of employer?

From what you say, I still would put my mental health first and take my chances with the rest.

Honestly OP, his behaviour sounds scary, he's possibly unwell and fixated on you and your place in his life. I would feel seriously uncomfortable with that.

Gosh he sounds like an appallingly needy mix of bitchy drama queen and stalker! Unless he has given you a kidney, I think you can safely feel that all the times over the last few years that you have lent him your ear/shoulder to cry on etc are ample payback for whatever he helped you out with previously. Don't feel guilty anymore about any kind of 'payback' for previous support, plus he is really pushing it.

It is not surprising that he has fallen out with several people as his gossiping and needy ways would push anyone away! As you are not the first to tell him to bog off, I expect that people would not take a dim view if you did that - they probably all know what is like and would be silently cheering you on from the sides! I know it is very difficult but can you elaborate on why it is that you 'cannot afford' to piss him off? Perhaps the hive mind can figure out a way to take away this particular power from him so you can tell him to sling his hook with impunity because this must be driving you up the wall. Sounds awful and not a little threatening frankly.

Apple- he has always been this way whereby he will start gossiping the moment he sees me but he has never pursued me in this way before. If he's there in the evenings he will chat but has never gone out of his way to make damn sure he's there like he does now and I used to get maybe one phone call a month before which I could handle but now he seems to have lost the plot - maybe its because I haven't told him to get lost he thinks its ok so, technically its my fault because I haven't had the balls to tell him to naff off.

IME it is possible to set boundaries with people like this by being very honest and very specific and direct. If you invite him in next time and say you need to talk to him about something, then explain that you like him and will always class him as friend for the support he has given you over the years but you feel really dominated by his turning up and all hours and it has been difficult for you to say anything because you like him and don't want to hurt his feelings. But you really can't cope with so many visits or interrogations about why you don't reply immediately, because it makes you feel accountable to him when you're not, you're just old mates.
If you use that trick of phrasing everything starting with "I feel...when you..." then he can't argue that it's not true, because you feel what you feel. And if you are very honest and don't fob him off with excuses, but carry on emphasising the good things about him you are grateful for, then you might be able to shake him off without offence. It has worked in the past for me two or three times with people who are notoriously difficult.

Is it the sort of situation where, if you had the money, you'd be free of him? Not to pay him off, but to get out of the situation?

Sorry - cross post. Is there any sort of legal protection you can quietly put in place to reinforce your position (like in your 'rental/landlord' scenario, some sort of insurance so you get money for digs if chucked out iyswim). If he is an employer, speak to your union?

However, I think its time to gently tell him that you have so much on you cannot spare him so much time. Perhaps give him specific time slots in your week?

Btw, if he is such an awful gossip, it may be helpful to consider that he probably is already gossiping about you so anyway, really, how much worse can it be?

So it's a job/housing/family scenario that threaten your security?

Honestly, I think you just need to suck up the consequences of telling him to back off a bit. If it's a slim chance then you are probably worrying unneccesarily and right now this guy sounds AWFUL and getting worse.

How does your OH feel about the way this guy treats you? Is he willing to have a word with your "friend" and ask him to back off a bit, paint it as if it's from his point of view?

Have you tried saying politely but firmly that you need some space? You don't have to go in all guns blazing but equally you should be able to ask politely that he doesn't turn up without texting. Have you tried telling him when you CAN see him, in the hope that that means he won't turn up at all times e.g. "I'm free for X hours on Tuesday".

Swap your phone & number, keep your old number just for him? Or get dinstinctive ring tone just for him so you can screen that way?

But again, he sounds quite nuts and you need to disentangle somehow.

You sound trapped, and that doesn't feel like a comfortable position to be in. I hope you can find a way out OP as he seems to have a strong hold over you.

This is abnormal behaviour. It's stalking.

And you aren't telling him off because you are (by the sounds of it) afraid of him.

So this isn't a friendship. It's a relationship based on fear and abuse.

I appreciate that you can't give details here but you need to speak to someone in RL that can help you extricate yourself. Your parents perhaps?

I personally can't think what comes sequence could be much worse than what you have told us you are going through already.

^^weird autocorrect 'comes sequence' should obviously be consequence.

Yeah - he still fancies you....

You wrote a very long post because you didn't want to drip feed but you remain reluctant to divulge the key points that would shed some insight so posters could better advise

ImperialBlether - if I had a LOT of money it would free me from the situation (I'd need about 50k) I don't owe him any money or anything like that but he has something that I "use" and the closest other situation would have me driving 30 miles away twice a day. I know this all sounds really really cryptic I apologise for that but I am actively seeking other available situations on a daily basis.

I think the jealousy situation might work - actually there's two ways it could go.
Either he will become incredibly smug at the thought that my OH thinks X is in with a chance which is why he's become jealous, and that will be the topic of conversation every time he sees me and will then gossip to everyone about that.- this I can deal with.
OR he might get incredibly defensive and childish and say something along the lines of well fine if Y doesn't want me around you then I suggest you get away from this place and take everything with you.

That's the type of person he is.... I'm hoping it will be the first scenario - only one way to find out I guess!

Could you just lie until you get things sorted out and he loses this hold over you? Say you have taken on a new project/studies that mean you're not available as much?

But OP, if this guy likes you as a friend, you seem convinced that he would seek to harm you somehow if you tell him to back off. Or at least that he might.

That's nothing like a friend. Regardless of what he's done in the past, has he ever indicated that his support/job/sponsorship/whatever would be withdrawn if you don't dance to his tune?

You need to solve the problem of why you can't get rid of him (the rent analogy) before you can deal with him. How long would that take?

In the mean time you need to minimise his influence on your life. Have you talked it through with your husband? He might be able to help by fielding some calls etc. Put on a united front. Have you tried arranging a lunch/coffee a week ahead then every time he calls text 'talk over lunch/coffee' 'can't wait to hear about it Tuesday' etc.

Adrenaline is right.

There's a ton of information here, but not the key part. I don't see how identifying that bit is any more identifying than the rest?

We can obviously help you more if you explain.

He controls something to which she needs to retain access. The details are not relevant, surely?

I have a female "friend" like this. I did end the friendship a few years ago because I couldn't cope with her anymore. She was here so much that nothing in my life was private from her although I didn't actually tell her anything. She was talking about me to others, she needs this, it's her only way of feeling important, to have all the info. But oh my god I could not have imagined the shitstorm that followed! She told people horrible lies about me. That she had reported me to authorities, she hadn't, there were no grounds but people believed her shit and my reputation has never recovered. My children were effected I became a hermit and the only way to stop it was to refriend her.
I am about to cut ties again, this woman is poison and sounds so much like your male version it is scary. This time I have nothing to lose. She has already seen to that.
What I am trying to say is, in my experience hanging on to the friendship will be just as damaging as getting rid. No one should be able to blackmail and bully you into a friendship.

You do know you're making him sound like your dealer

He controls something to which she needs to retain access. The details are not relevant, surely?

I've got absolutely no idea. Maybe yes, maybe no.

But it's key to the OP's situation. I asked if she had tried sharing the 'hold' he has over her with anyone else for fresh perspective. Someone else might say 'here's the solution you need', but if the OP never tells anyone, she's never getting that new perspective that might help to see a way forward.

Cross posted, if this is something like he owns a field you keep ponies in for free / low rent or something then that is completely different to my scenario. Sorry I misunderstood, I thought he was an obsessive but it sounds more like he is helping you out and manipulating the situation. Either you have to find an alternative "place" or accept it as the price.

But what is that something? Especially if that something means paying out 50k to be able to be free of him.

Op has said its not a house, it obviously isn't a car because she could just hire one if he took it back, op is asking for advice but is saying she can't do the one thing everyone is saying she needs to do because of this "something" that she needs to retain access to.

Without knowing what that "something" is, how are people supposed to offer op good/correct/helpful advice or solutions?

He really does sound like a stalker. If you can't tell him to back off (and take the unpleasant consequences that will no doubt follow), then I think all you can do is plan and investigate all options that separate you from him.

Could you save and then borrow some of the money? Have you investigated all options and spoken to friends about him and the situation? Could you do the 30mi trip instead of using him?

Another option is simply to move away. Extreme, but moving across country is possibly worth considering.