To ask my friend to stop turning up at my house every single day? (very long sorry!)

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Ok so I have a male friend, I'll call him X to save me typing my friend all the time!

I apologise for the seriously long post but I'm trying to avoid drip feeding.

So my OH and I have known X for many years, we all grew up in the same village, went to the same school (although not at the same time he is 6 years older than me but the same age as OH), went to the same local pub etc etc.

He has fallen out with various people over the years because he is a very big gossip/stirrer and people obviously don't take too kindly to this including my OH who doesn't have anything to do with him other than being polite/civil if they bump into each other.

He has a really annoying habit of just turning up at my house rather than texting/ringing first - hasn't really been much of an issue up to now as I am rarely in my house and if I wasn't at home he would just drive off, but I go somewhere every evening and X used to go there maybe once or twice a week at the same time as me.

I don't want to state where it is I go in the evenings (it's not a pub or anything like that!) because it might out me but I have to go there every evening at roughly the same time there is no alternative to this incase someone suggestions not going there. I HAVE to keep him on my side for reasons which I won't go into - falling out with him would be serious bad news for me.

So X is single and a few years ago (when me and my OH had just started dating) he helped me out a LOT with different things - I never asked him to, he always just happened to be around when I was struggling with something and this saved me a great deal of effort and time for which I was massively thankful for.

Anyway, he used to confide in me for different things, mainly his love life, and took my listening as a wrong signal and asked me out on a date - I let him down gently by saying sorry you're a nice guy but I only see you as a friend and you're not my type I'm dating Y (my current OH) to which he then wanted to know what Y had that he didn't. Got very offended and avoided me for weeks and made things very difficult for me.

Fast forward to now- he had been relatively normal up to 3 weeks ago, was happy me and OH are still together but had this annoying habit of just turning up to my house every weekend without fail when he knows I'm really really busy and only have a few hours on the weekend to do things I want to do, whether it be cleaning the house or just relaxing for 2 hours max. He would turn up and stay for those entire 2 hours just gossping/stirring and going on and on about his lovelife or lack thereof.

So about 2 months ago he met a woman, turned up and told me all about it, I was genuinely really happy for him and didn't hear from him much during the 3 weeks they were together but then it went horribly wrong he tried pushing it into something more serious really quickly, she freaked out and backed off.

Since then he has been calling me daily/texting me/turning up at my house on a daily basis and going on and on and on about how they split up, insists I read all the messages between them, replays all the scenarios and we have the same conversation every single day.

He he has now met another girl which happens to be an ex girlfriend of my OH from years ago. Told me he happened to bump into her even though she lives 20 miles away and he wasn't anywhere near her home town and then she went back to his and slept together... I find this really hard to believe but that's not the point - he keeps begging me not to tell my OH as he thinks he will get really mad (he won't!) yet rings me to talk about her when he knows I will be with my OH.
He now wants me to go to this girls place of work to "check her out" on his behalf to see if she's his type - I have no idea what his type is it seems to be anyone that will listen to him for more than 5 minutes. I also find it hard to get my head around why someone would need "checking out" after they've already slept together?

I'm getting fed up of him quite frankly, I'm fed up of him turning up unannounced at my house every day - I'm rarely there but my neighbour has told me he has often sat outside for an hour or more and that would coincide with phone calls asking where I was. He waits for me in the evenings at the place I go, and then goes on and on, if I say sorry I'm busy gotta dash he will follow me in the car then go on and on, turns up at my parents house if I'm there.
I work from home twice a week and he came round last week and let himself in because I didn't answer! was most put out when I said I was working and waited outside my house until I'd finished and tackled me when I was leaving the house. And if all of that fails he will ring me constantly. I can't not answer as it might be important and he will start off the conversation with something that seems quite genuine and then ramble on about his love life or start gossiping.

He constantly looks for compliments - sent me a message on FB yesterday which said "oh I don't think I'll be seeing this girl again I'm FAR too ugly" obviously wanting me to say no you're not etc.

Luckily my OH knows what X is like and doesn't seem him as a threat whatsoever but that's not really the point - I wouldn't dream of hounding a male friend if they were in a relationship! OH knows I am in a difficult position with regards to not offending him also.

I think most people in this situation would have asked X to stop this but he gets massively offended if you say you can't talk and goes into a strop and then proceeds to make things awkward for me.

He rang me yesterday, I didn't answer as I was in a meeting so he then text me asking why I wouldn't answer so I said I was busy and what is the problem? He just said nothing is wrong I just need to chat to you so can you answer. I just said no sorry I'm really busy to which he said fine I'll see you later then.

He doesn't seem to get the message, I've tried hiding in my house when he turns up (I really shouldn't have to!) but he will try all the doors in my house, goes round the back, rings me, waits outside etc and its all to gossip or tell me about his latest love conquest and I've had enough. If I say I'm really busy don't have time to stop and chat he won't take this as a hint to leave he just says he will talk whilst I carry on doing whatever it is I need to do. Last week I thought I had found the perfect answer - I said I wasn't feeling well and wanted to just try and have a sleep so he said ok I'll just wait downstairs for you then!

I also feel incredibly guilty as he has helped me out a lot in the past and don't really want that thrown in my face either and I feel like a right cow for not wanting to speak to him all the time when he obviously doesn't have anyone else to talk to.

It's not as if I didn't give him the time of day to start with - when he broke up with the first girl initially I was there for him every single day for 2 weeks, gave him advice which he completely ignored - I told him to delete her from Facebook because he kept checking what she had posted then sent me screenshots and wanted me to analyse it in detail as to what she was trying to say. Apparently " Just popping to the shops with friends" is a cryptic message saying she wants to get back together and wouldn't have it when I said it wasn't anything other than just popping to the shops with her friends.

So I need to somehow tell him in a way which won't offend him and make him go off on one, that I can't cope with the daily bombardment of messages/phone calls/ turning up.

Any ideas please? and thankyou for getting this far!

Do you think he'll leave you alone if you stop using his facilities?

I wondered that too, and I imagine he'll be worse and still stalk but get nasty actually.

But at least the OP will be able to take action against him then. She has her neighbour's evidence that he sits in his car for hours waiting for her to come home. It sounds as though he is way too intense with all the women he dates too. Urrgh.

Cut your ties with him OP. The situation is incredibly unhealthy.
Sounds dreadful as it is and will only get worse.
Don't run a business based on a favour from someone else.. you never have full control.

Its going to have to be a choice Im afraid OP, put up with this or cut ties and lose the premises. I know this isnt what you want but this level of harassment will eventually have a detrimental effect on your mental health, if it hasnt started to already.

Do what Queenie said. Tell him you need a legal contract for the business. Get it all sorted properly then you're protected and you can tell him to bugger off and leave you alone.

FWIW, I also agree with PP that he's in love with you. Completely obsessed. If you didn't have the business I'd be suggesting applying for a restraining order!!

Good luck OP!

Bluntly I think you know the answer to this one.

So you don't like the guy and are using him really and he is allowing it because he likes you in a very creepy stalkery controlling way?

YABU op, he is out of line but so are you for not ditching him because it would cause some inconvenience. He sounds like a package deal of nuttiness - you are giving him the power and your best way out is to cut ties and not depend on a sinister guy who has boundary issues, too much time on his hands and a clear lack of healthy self esteem or hobbies!

Be friends with someone because you like and respect them not because they have something you want.

You can't live your life like this op and you're selling your soul to do so. I know life would be perfect if you lived where you do, had your business down the road and you were free of your stalker. But truth is, you can't have all three, and once you realise that it will be easier to bear. Your friend is not a rational person and I doubt that what ever magical mixture of words you use to speak to him with is going to change that. Because rational sensible people simply do not behave like this. Which leads you to your other options. Move house? Change your business? Or continue to live as your are, being stalked, blackmailed and forced to act as a puppet until you see the light? Or he just takes it away from you one day anyway. Because he can. You need to look at making option 1 or 2 work for you and free yourself of this loser. It might be tough to bear right now, but the freedom you will gain, and the happiness will make you wonder why you hadn't ditched him and his paddocks a long time ago. Just another thought, can you get yourself a loan for the £50000 if thats what it takes to stay?

Seems you are paying a very high price for use of his premises. You cant really put a monetary value on your well being and mental health.

I would risk the fall-out, and get out of his control. You really dont have to allow yourself to be manipulated just because you enjoy this business. At the moment he knows he has you around his little finger because it means so much to you. Let him know dignity and freedom is more important.

ok I've done it! he's just messaged me asking why I didn't see him last night (I tried my best to avoid him!) and I wrote back..

Because I was trying to spend time with OH and he's finding it a bit hard to understand why you need to ring me/message me/turn up every single day....

Cowards way out I know!

no reply as yet - he's read it!

Would your business be jus as viable/rewarding/lucrative at the other facility 30 miles away?

Your business is not an actual business if you're reliant on goodwill or tolerating this behaviour of this arsehole to keep it going.

Either get it all legal, above board and paying the going rate, then tell him bluntly about his behaviour, or accept that having to keep him sweet is your 'rent' in exchange for his goodwill.

I think he sounds like he has Aspergers. I have a child on the spectrum and the total lack of awareness surrounding person space and social awareness is blindingly obvious here. You telling him you're unwell and him saying he'll just wait in the lounge until you're better. Plus his inability to 'read' people and situations such as the women he has dated. Or more likely he thought he was dating them.

Op the only way out of this is to risk the shit hitting the fan with regards to this information he supposedly has you over a barrel with
You need to get rid of this lad, he is obsessed with you - there is unfortunately no half measures with a person of this nature
He was even trying to get you to be jealous about your OH's ex! Can't you see? He blatantly wanted an insecure reaction out of you to make himself feel better, because in his eyes you seem to have it all and he has nothing. He is hounding you and taking you over.

There no other option - he needs to be completely out of your life and you will just have to risk the upset.

I had a "friend" like this. It was my db's gf & she was relentless. I would wake up to over 200 text messages & 70 missed calls. Because of basically no reason.

Other people started distancing themselves from me too because she "wouldn't allow" them to be close to me.

I tried for so long with excuses, tried gently telling her. In the end, I'd just had DS as a single parent, was struggling with PND & I LOST it. DB got involved, parents got involved, she turned into the victim.

Luckily she found someone else to harass but if ever she sends a friendly text, it can easily start up again.

She's 200 miles away now but it still affects me.

What is more important to you, peace from him or your part time work?

Sorry Op didn't rtft

The only solution is to risk the business. Put your heart and soul into figuring out a way to get away from him in all ways and forms

(I'm sure you have already, however)

I'd happily work 30 miles away to be free of this controlling nutter.

He's seriously unhinged.

Fucking hell what a nasty piece of work he is!

Sounds like the business is his way of blackmailing you.

I wonder is there any way you could convince him formalise things?

Could you talk him into a lease agreement, for example?

Something legally binding so he can't dick around but you don't feel like you have to put up with his nonsense?

If not I do agree with PP; you're going to have to choose.

He's become very emotionally dependent on you, so perhaps you could try to develop a wider circle of acquaintances around your friendship with X? At the place you have to go to where X also goes, are there other people there? Could you build up a group around him and you somehow? That way it will start to take the pressure off you, and it might encourage him to behave more 'ordinarily' rather than depending on you for all his reassurance. You could suggest to him that he needs more than one person's advice and because you've known him so long you might be biased.

My other suggestion would be to talk to your OH about this and ask him to 'chaperone' you when X is around. If X realises you are feeling uncomfortable around him, he may be encouraged to step back a bit.

It's one of those things where obviously body language and politeness isn't quite cutting it to give him the clues he needs to behave in a way that is more like genuine friendship, with all the personal space that entails.

He sounds lonely and the fact that he is a key element of your life gives him some power over you, so you're effectively being forced to be his close friend when you want to be an ordinary friend. Ideally he'd meet Miss Right and your problem would be solved, but equally getting him some more real friends could also help both him and you. Can you suggest he joins a club to do an activity? Even if you or your OH have to join it with him at first, it would at least dilute his clinginess and encourage him to make more friends.

I wouldn't be formalising ANYTHING with this guy. Either put the business on hold or get a loan for the 50k or suck up the 30 miles but extricate yourself from this unhealthy and stressful situation by leaving his premises and telling him to back off. If he can't manage that, de friending is your answer but at least the business thing will not muddy the waters because you will have already dealt with it.

It just occurred to me - is this guy on the Autistic Spectrum? Because if he is, he may have real problems understanding social situations and need to be essentially taught how to handle them. In my experience, quite a lot of engineer and scientist friends of mine have a little whiff of autism about them. Lovely people, perfectly successful out and about in the world getting on with life, but useless with social skills.

I mention this because my DD is on the spectrum and she makes loads of gaffes. Subtlety doesn't work even slightly with my beloved little Aspie (Asperger's Syndrome) and you have to be blunt but kind and tell her exactly what you want. E.g. only visit on weekends, preferably when invited, only text after work hours and not after 10pm etc etc.

Does that sound appropriate for your situation?

Much of this advice hinges on this guy being rational and bad at misreading cues, but this is not the case. Actually he sees the cues for what they are and doesn't care anyway. The most chilling thing is that when you turned him down, he started damaging property and blocking you in wherever this business is. That's proper stalker and possibly dangerous behaviour.

I think you have to get rid of all ideas of turning him into a proper friend. He's not a friend, he doesn't like you (he may be obsessed by you) and doesn't have your best interests at heart. He won't care if your relationship is damaged, indeed he may quite like this.

I would back the hell out of there, stop being his friend, block him and call the police if he gets nasty or indeed if he keeps waiting outside your house or contacting you a lot of times. But you have to make it clear that you don't want to see him and the friendship (such that it is as you don't actually like him anyway) is effectively over. If you think you can control the amount of time you are wrong.

No business can be worth this, plus tell your OH and get him on side to get rid, because this guy may turn nasty (again) when you stop complying with his requests.

It had to happen.....

It's all very cryptic and every solution seems to hold an aaah but.

If it were me my plan would involve.
Not picking up the phone or returning his calls very often.
Not responding to text messages as soon as I received them.
Keeping the house securely locked at all times, including the back gate.
Working from a room where I couldn't be seen when I work from home.
Restrict my use of social media so I hardly appeared to post.
Try to ensure I was seen often in my DP's company.
Lend an ear to his gossip when there was no alternative, but not comment.

Hopefully the less of a receptive audience you become, the less he's encouraged to keep on at you.

I can't think of any other advice without knowing the actual circumstances.

RTFT.

She said what the situation is.

CP, I had refreshed before typing but a lot has appeared since.