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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use my child's money?

206 replies

henparty · 05/05/2016 09:56

Just looking for opinions on this. We are about to move house, buying a much nicer house in a better area. We can afford the repayments but are maxing ourselves with the move (trying to put as much deposit in as we can to get a better interest rate plus stamp duty, legal fees etc). We are using up every penny of savings but a year from now should be fine. When looking at the very stretched figures yesterday DH suggested we use our DDs savings. She was gifted £5000 by her grandmother before she died but the money is in an account in my name. DH said we could put the money back in within a year and pointed out that as DD is our only child (we cant have more) she will inherit the house one day anyway. AIBU to worry that it is wrong to borrow from your child?

OP posts:
StarlingMurmuration · 05/05/2016 10:34

I wouldn't. I can see your logic, but it would feel wrong to me.

Theoretician · 05/05/2016 10:40

I agree that "the house will be hers one day" argument is not valid, and the person who makes it does not understand what it means to be a trustee in charge of someone else's money, and should not be trusted to take care of the money. The DD has (I think) an absolute right to receive that money when she turns 18, and not to give it to her then would be theft.

I see no reason why the trustee has to keep the money in a bank account at all times though. It's not stealing to put the money elsewhere as long as you are absolutely clear that you have to hand her £5000 (plus interest) on her 18th birthday, and do so. I suppose that you could write an IOU to be kept with your will, to make sure the obligation survives your unexpected death before she turns 18.

(I don't know if it would be OK to spend the money on something purely for her benefit before she turns 18. But I don't think anything for which parents could and should normally pay would count for that purpose.)

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 05/05/2016 10:41

My parents did this (borrowed my small inheritance from a grandparent) to build a (small, outdoor) swimming pool! ... I was a bit ambiguous about it at the time as they finished it about 12 months before I left home... and I needed the money for my plans and wouldn't get to use the pool! But to be fair they paid it back in time (although without any interest, which is a bit cheeky as about 4 years later I borrowed the same amount from them for a deposit on a flat, which I paid back over a similar time period, and they did charge me interest :o ).

I think it is OK as long as you are very sure you will pay it back well before your child hits 18, and if you borrow it over a long period you should match whatever interest it was/ is earning in savings (which will be a lot less than the interest on a commercial loan).

inlovewithhubby · 05/05/2016 10:42

I think it's crazy to think of it as stealing. If your gran were alive I'm sure she'd welcome your daughter's 'gift' forming part of providing her granddaughter with a fabulous place to live. I wouldnt think twice and I don't even see the need to be stressed about 'paying her back'. She's getting the benefit from the gift and that was presumably your Gran's intention.

And we all stretch ourselves to buy, so as long as you are otherwise ok with repayments etc, i wouldn't stress the need to add another 5k to the deposit fund - lump sums are really tricky to save and I say that on two very good salaries.

peggyundercrackers · 05/05/2016 10:43

this is the very reason if children are left money it should be put into a trust so greedy adults cant spend it.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 05/05/2016 10:45

I'd borrow it and set up a SO straight away for the payments to be made back in plus interest. If you thing a year would be tight then make it longer (2 years) but if the money is coming off automatically you are less likely to "forget" or leave it for a month as you fancy a new lamp or the car needs new tyres etc as you would have had to deal with those separately regardless.

I'd also view it as a one off and not make a habit of it.

Kn33 · 05/05/2016 10:45

I think I'd be happy to borrow it back as such if it was money we had saved ourselves for the kid/s, but not if it was given/left as a gift/inheritance IYSWIM?
I would feel like it was a bit disrespectful to the source that the money came from Smile

Pseudo341 · 05/05/2016 10:45

I'd be quite happy to borrow the money assuming she isn't going to need it before you've paid it back. She will benefit from the new house so I'd say you're acting in her interests doing this. Inheriting the house is too far away to be any use to her though so you must pay the money back.

FV45 · 05/05/2016 10:46

How do you think the grandmother would feel about it?

There's your answer.

I've borrowed a quid here and there from my kids, but for me the line is drawn well before I would start to take money from their accounts, but I also know I am not the best at managing my own money so it's a rule I've set myself.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 05/05/2016 10:47

You absolutely must pay it back otherwise you have indeed stolen it - she will get the house one day is totally outrageous as

  1. she might not (care fees, unforeseen circumstances leading to inability to pay mortgage and repossession, housing market collapsing and you being in negative equity then forced to sell for unforeseen reasons such as being forced to relocate in order to stay in employment... the list goes on)

  2. she has every right to the money at 18 or 21 (whichever age it was left to her for) and not when you die - you or your DH might live to be 104, one of you might even out live her even though you both live to old age (my DH's grandmother outlived one of her sons even though he died in his 70s...)

Salene · 05/05/2016 10:50

Yes I would use the money

paxillin · 05/05/2016 10:51

I wouldn't do it. Hard to second guess, but what do you think her grandmother would have thought of it? I'd slightly go by that. But if you're so overstretched you have to borrow from your dd, it's not feasable. How old is your dd, slightly different if she's 6 months old or 14 years.

MegaClutterSlut · 05/05/2016 10:51

Your DD inheriting your house is neither here or there. That is yours and your dh choice. The money on the other hand was left from her grandmother, not you so if u do borrow the money you must absolutely pay it back because that would be stealing imo

peggyundercrackers · 05/05/2016 10:53

if the grandmother wanted you to use the money for a house she would have gave it to you - she didn't though, she left it to your DD. it absolutely is stealing someone elses money because it had never been your money.

AlwaysNC · 05/05/2016 10:53

Just use it, she'll benefit from the house.
My mum used our childhood savings/money gifts when we were little to buy food when she had no money post divorce. She never paid the money back in. I'm glad she did that for us

Floralnomad · 05/05/2016 10:55

I would only use money that I / DH had given ,I wouldn't borrow money that had been left to them by someone else .

Idliketobeabutterfly · 05/05/2016 10:57

I wouldn'tin the case as this was inherited money and not money that you and your partner saved for her.

flirtygirl · 05/05/2016 10:58

This thread just proves what a load of sanctimonius twits there are.
The op said they would pay it back and quickly so how is that stealing?

Its far better to use that money than get a loan and what they are doing to scrape every penny together to get a better interest rate with more deposit is also sensible as they can aford the repayments. Its short term pain for long term gain.

But stealing, come if it, i wonder what some of you teach your children.

I save for my dds but if i needed to use it i would use it, as if cash flow meant not buying food but ive got savings sitting there? How would that work and the saving started out as my money first anyway.

This has happenned when i was long term sick and lost my job, first my savings then my dd were used until tax credits and the like were in place, then i started repaying when life got to a more even keel.

If i hadnt used her savings and chose not to feed her, would you all feel better?

Stealing, give your head a wobble please.

wheresthebeach · 05/05/2016 10:58

I'm really surprised at how many people are happy to do this. As far as I'm concerned her grandmother gave it to her. You are suppose to keep it safe for her, and give it to her when she's older. I think its wrong to use it as you see fit to help yourselves with the house, even if you intend to pay it back. Its not your money, if it was, you'd have been given it.

Road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that.

Pinkheart5915 · 05/05/2016 10:58

I wouldn't personally use money that a family member had left my child, wouldn't feel right to me.

LittleLionMansMummy · 05/05/2016 10:59

I would, providing I was sure I could pay it back. Also, looking at it a different way, the best investment you can make for your child's future is in property. She'll benefit from living in a nicer house and also when you pass on. It's win-win.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 05/05/2016 10:59

Also I would never stretch myself to this degree with this house as if you are needing her money it probably is too expensive for you.

Cressandra · 05/05/2016 10:59

Inheriting the house is a false argument.

How really really sure are you that you can pay it back in a year? I do get that moving is an extremely expensive blip, but IMO ittakes many months to get back from. Can you really get over all of that, plus manage your new higher mortgage, and still have a surplus £5k within 12.months? I just think it sounds like a very slippery slope. And what if your new boiler blows up, or your car gets written off, or you need to get a rotten floor replaced? And then so tempting to prioritise changing that carpet sooner rather than later etc, etc.

In principle I can see where you're coming from, but the mention of the house as inheritance, and the possibly unrealistic assurance of paying it back in a year, worry me a bit. Unless you are totally sure it's realistic, of course.

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 10:59

I think if you're having to resort to this, then you're biting off more than you can chew with the house.

Scale it back, just slightly.

NapQueen · 05/05/2016 11:02

If you had saved the money on her behalf then id have no issue loaning it back short term.

However, it was gifted to her by someone else. Imo that makes it theft.

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