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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy a wedding present?

133 replies

oaktreebloom · 05/05/2016 09:39

DH is one of 5 ushers at a friends wedding and the costs are just adding up. The wedding is over a bank holiday in in Cornwall so a significant distance from us and most friends and family who are based in and around Manchester.

So costs so far:
-Going to the engagement party
-DH has already been on the European stag.
-DH is driving the groom down a few days before the wedding on his request which means that I have to get a train as I don't have the holiday to take to go up early with them.
-Cost of 4 nights accommodation in Cornwall on a bank holiday.
-They are having a pre-wedding party the night before then a big pub meal the day after.
-DH has just been shopping with the groom and other ushers for suits where the groom announced that they would all have to pay for their own suits, which the groom gets to pick, which look to be £350-450!!

They have asked for a cash donation towards their honeymoon in an exotic location and I wouldn't normally entertain not buying a gift but considering the high costs of all the other aspects AIBU to think that a nice card and perhaps a token gift is acceptable in the above situation? Or should we just suck it up and stick £50 in a card whilst gritting our teeth?

OP posts:
Keely93 · 06/05/2016 03:11

I wouldn't. After all those expenses I probably couldn't(actually I know I couldn't!) afford it and they're being fairly unreasonable themselves, yes they're getting married but it's not the most important thing in everyone else's lives!

SerenityReynolds · 06/05/2016 03:44

Why on earth aren't they hiring the suits??! We (and everyone else we know) did and we bloody well footed the bill for it at our wedding too! And this is after a stag do abroad? And before asking your guests to fork out for 3-4 nights in a hotel?

They are being ridiculous and grabby. I'd be calling them out on paying for the suits if it's only just been announced. Say sorry, but you can't simply can't afford it after the stag and cost of actually attending the wedding and your DH can offer to pull out of ushering. I'd almost be tempted to itemise for the groom what you've had to fork out - "look mate, you do realise your stag/wedding will have cost us £X?"

bangalanguk · 06/05/2016 06:41

He should not be expected to pay for his own suit. Hiring them is a much more sensible option and the groom pays.

MissBattleaxe · 06/05/2016 06:42

Agree with Serenity. Point out how much it has already cost. The groom needs to sober up and stop overestimating how "honoured" everyone bloody feels.

Whocansay · 06/05/2016 07:34

I would stick £50 in a card. But I would absolutely tell the groom where to go in respect of the suits and the drive down.

You can't make tell people what to wear at a wedding unless you pay. Those are the rules.

The drive down actually annoys me more. It's just so arrogant. The groom feels his needs are more important than yours. And I assume he isn't paying for your train ticket down? Fuck. That.

Channel Zammo. Just say no. This is madness.

MNetter15 · 06/05/2016 07:52

'A congregation of penguins' Grin

SerenityReynolds · 06/05/2016 07:58

I've just seen that you're also pregnant! Well, that would mean a double "fuck off" from me about the suits. You could buy so much baby stuff for that money, or help to cover your expenses while on mat leave.

chanelfreak · 06/05/2016 08:16

Bloody hell OP, that is seriously grabby behavior from the groom especially when he knows that you and DH are expecting a baby Angry. It's incredibly cheeky to ask the ushers to fork out that much money and it is almost as cheeky to ask your DH to abandon his pregnant wife to drive him down - is this fella on glue or what?

Definitely get your DH to bring up the ridiculous requests re the suits with Groomzilla or the bestman and I would honestly not bother giving them a gift - chancers!

MissBattleaxe · 06/05/2016 08:23

He apparently even has specific shirts, cufflinks and shoes he wants them to wear and buy too!

I missed this bit^^ AND that you are pregnant OP. AND they want their guests to fund their honeymoon in "an exotic location"?

Right, these are not friends,.

You know, they are only getting married. You don't get a Knighthood for it. I would never ask any of this of friends who had a baby on the way.

Deciding to get married doesn't turn you into a registered charity that everyone has to donate huge sums to. I'd seriously be questioning how badly I needed friends like this,

chanelfreak · 06/05/2016 08:26

They want their honeymoon paid for as well??? OP they are blatantly taking the piss and if it was me, I wouldn't darken the door of their wedding, never mind wondering about whether you should give a gift. Grabby GITS.

Frazzled2207 · 06/05/2016 08:27

As everyone else has said, your dh (possibly with other groomsmen) needs to put his foot down re. suits. Maybe research some hire options and present to groomzilla?

Sure other groosmen will be a bit Hmm

Also think unacceptable to expect your husband to take extra days' hols to drive him down. YOU'RE HAVING A BABY and he needs to spend that extra leave with you/baby once it arrives.
Does this mean you're going on the train with a newborn? Doable but won't be fun as it takes all bloody day.

Stardust160 · 06/05/2016 08:28

I would never not attend a wedding and not bring a gift even a token of 10pound bottle of wine is something or Mr and Mrs cups. Surely you were aware of the travelling costs? My ushers paid for their suits but my DM was wanting a role for my brothers and they were happy to contribute the costs of the suit hire so they could be involved in the day as I only have two brothers. It's bad form for the groom and bride as they should of discussed this with you prior and you could of made a decision.

MissBattleaxe · 06/05/2016 09:20

I would never not attend a wedding and not bring a gift even a token of 10pound bottle of wine is something or Mr and Mrs cups

I would shamelessly attend without a gift if they had fleeced me and my husband of hundreds of pounds when we had a baby on the way. A baby is more important than funding an exotic honeymoon.

Stardust160 · 06/05/2016 09:26

A wedding is not a summons tho you don't have to go but if you choose to a token gift should be taken even if it's small. I don't understand why OPs partner not explain the finacial situation. If they are real friends they would understand. Rather than begrudgingly attending and paying all the costs out.

OnlyLovers · 06/05/2016 10:41

YANBU at all. And it doesn't matter if you can afford it.

I can't quite get past the suits issue though; I've always understood that the bride and groom pay for bridesmaid dresses if they themselves pick them. Surely the same applies to ushers' outfits? If the groom wants specific ones, he pays. Simple.

dailyfailrag · 06/05/2016 10:49

I would never not attend a wedding and not bring a gift

So you would attend a wedding without a gift? Grin

(Mumsnet really needs an edit button)

blahblahblahfishcakes · 06/05/2016 11:00

YANBU - we asked our ushers to come in morning dress but TBH we are getting on a bit and most already had (a few hired). We bought them matching ties, waistcoat and gave them cufflinks as a thank you gift. They had already spent loads on stag and hens and were paying for accommodation at the wedding (which we subsidised). That said though we also laid on all food and drink for 3 days. It was a lavish wedding yes, but I think we were pretty fair. I bought the bridemaids dresses (of course) and they could wear whatever shoes they liked. They all decided together to chose the same shoes that they all loved. I gave them a pearl necklace each to wear as a thank you gift.

To demand ushers wear a £400 suit (plus trimmings) and ask you to pay for it is cheap and naff. To ask you to contribute to their honeymoon is I think really tacky!

We did have a list at John Lewis (weren't going to but EVERYONE was asking what we wanted and some (especially family) were offended that we said we weren't fussed for gifts. They saw it as traditional to start the couples life off together with something for their new home.

It was a great laugh and I don't feel anyone felt hard done by. I could of course be wrong....

monstiebags · 06/05/2016 11:00

A wedding is supposed to be a celebration - this sounds like torture. How rude of people to make their wedding such a chore for everyone else.
I certainly would not pay for a suit and demanding money as a gift is so crass.

HanYOLO · 06/05/2016 11:23

More importantly get your DH to tell the groom that he's not buying a £350 suit, because he can't afford it.

Redken24 · 06/05/2016 11:26

When we got married, there was a few friends who didnt get us anything - it wasnt a big deal to us anyways. not everyone has loads of money all the time and/or can afford a gift

blindsider · 06/05/2016 11:42

Frankly it is tacky in the extreme to impose a 'uniform' on anyone and expect them to pay for it.

If you can't afford it don't have it.

Jackie0 · 06/05/2016 11:48

They sound so tacky .5 ushers ? Hmm

MsGemJay · 06/05/2016 11:52

Wow! Yep agree - a card is fine. You've gone massively out of your way already.

We asked for money as a wedding gift but in planning went out of our way to ensure no cost (except rooms if people wanted) We paid for best man's room (2 nights/suit and I think we drove him)

AugustaFinkNottle · 06/05/2016 11:55

DH was usher at SIL's wedding and was "ordered" to go to a particular hire shop 250 miles away to hire the suit. It would have needed at least two visits including the initial fitting, and he simply said no, that wasn't going to be happening. B&G got over it.

The idea of putting ushers into identical suits, shirts, ties and cufflinks is incredibly naff anyway.

whois · 06/05/2016 11:56

DP does need to grow a pair though and say he obviously can't take the groom down because he needs to drive his pregnant wife down and she hasn't got he holiday to go earlier. I can't believe the wet lettuce even agreed to that. Unless he actually wants to go down early for a piss up/fun time. Which would be understandable.