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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy a wedding present?

133 replies

oaktreebloom · 05/05/2016 09:39

DH is one of 5 ushers at a friends wedding and the costs are just adding up. The wedding is over a bank holiday in in Cornwall so a significant distance from us and most friends and family who are based in and around Manchester.

So costs so far:
-Going to the engagement party
-DH has already been on the European stag.
-DH is driving the groom down a few days before the wedding on his request which means that I have to get a train as I don't have the holiday to take to go up early with them.
-Cost of 4 nights accommodation in Cornwall on a bank holiday.
-They are having a pre-wedding party the night before then a big pub meal the day after.
-DH has just been shopping with the groom and other ushers for suits where the groom announced that they would all have to pay for their own suits, which the groom gets to pick, which look to be £350-450!!

They have asked for a cash donation towards their honeymoon in an exotic location and I wouldn't normally entertain not buying a gift but considering the high costs of all the other aspects AIBU to think that a nice card and perhaps a token gift is acceptable in the above situation? Or should we just suck it up and stick £50 in a card whilst gritting our teeth?

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 05/05/2016 10:19

wow
not only would I not give a gift, I would talk to them about the costs

who can afford this?

MissMoo22 · 05/05/2016 10:20

Weddings are getting fucking ridiculous. And this shit of the wedding party having to buy their own suit/dress is ridiculous too. Can they not rent suits for the day?

I'd end up putting the £50 in a card tbh. It's all adding up, yes, but you'll look like a miserable sod if you don't give anything.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/05/2016 10:21

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for inviting me to be an usher at your wedding. I am very honoured and look forward to sharing your special day with you.

Unfortunately Oaktree and I have been through our budget and I'm afraid that we do not have £400 spare to pay for a suit.

I am happy to provide my own suit (I have a nice smart black one that I have only worn twice) or to wear any suit that you choose and pay for. Alternatively I'm happy to pay for half of the hire costs of a suit.

I realise that the aesthetics of the wedding are important to you and Mrs Friend and I don't want to mess that up so if none of those will work for you then I'm happy to step down as an official (photographed) usher and just help out in the background. Oaktree and I will have a lovely time either way.

Anyway - let me know what works best for you.

Best

Mr Oaktree

Send by email ccing the other ushers, count to 20 and watch the others reply greatfully saying that actually they can't afford £400 either!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 05/05/2016 10:30

What's with all these weddings where the couple getting married expect everyone else to pay for things? If they can't afford to pay for £400 suits for all the ushers themselves then pick something cheaper or buy matching ties and let the ushers wear their own suits (which is what I did, it looked fine!)
Mumoftwo has written a very good response, though my reply would be a lot less polite!
Reminds me of all the weaselling I had to do to get out of a hen do that turned from a one day activity costing £50 to a whole long weekend costing hundreds. I could have just afforded it, but I decided that in the end I had a whole long list of things I'd rather spend the money on. The bride also wanted me to spend £50 on some hideous jewellery too, thankfully all the bridesmaids managed to talk her out of it. Grown women in tiaras, we'd have looked daft!
In short YANBU and then some!

Abraid2 · 05/05/2016 10:36

Coding Mumof, but wouldn't cc it to the others.

Abraid2 · 05/05/2016 10:37

Cosign, not coding.

Original poster
oaktreebloom · 05/05/2016 10:49

Thanks for all the replies. I like the idea of putting some local currency in the card - you get a lot of that currency for your £s so less obvious to see how much/little we've given.

It has always been an over the top affair but was never a problem until the suits came up. Even the car thing I don't mind - I'm happy for DH to go up early and help out and enjoy the pre-wedding build up (drinking) as thats what I see as part of the fun and role of an usher.

My DH is very relaxed so is inclined to just 'go with the flow' but isn't that happy about the suits, I've told him to suggest renting them based on your suggestions so lets see what groomzilla says. He apparently even has specific shirts, cufflinks and shoes he wants them to wear and buy too!

Thing is we can afford it and the couple know that, it isn't like it is going to get us in to debt but it is just something we wouldn't choose to spend that amount of money on. Wedding fine, but suit no. I'm going on maternity leave in just over a month so trying to be as good as money as possible.

We eloped abroad, just the two of us and then had a party at a nice local pub when we got back so the ultimate other end of the scale to their wedding. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to wrap my head around.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 05/05/2016 10:51

Urgh this 'making ushers pay for their suits' thing seems to be becoming increasingly common at the moment! My brother has been best man 3 times and an usher twice in the last 5 years. He had to pay for his own suit (not hire- buying the suit) at 3 of them.

The most recent of these weddings really took the mickey: DB is very tall and very broad (think rugby player). The groom is very slight and quite short. Groom chose ultra fitted, shiny, skinny look suits with no consideration for DB- DB looked awful on the day, the waistcoat was halfway up his torso. He had to pay £250 for this 'priveledge' and will never wear the suit again. He has since found out that the bridesmaids had their whole outfits plus hair and makeup paid for by the bride and groom!!

You don't need to give them a present- a nice card will suffice.

Also I'm sure you've already looked into this but my cousin lives in Cornwall and came to my wedding last year- she flew up in the end because it was cheaper to fly than get the train or drive. Just a thought!

RaeSkywalker · 05/05/2016 10:53

Just saw that you're about to go on maternity leave OP- in this case your DH should definitely not have to pay for the suit. Your financial circumstances are about to change, groomzilla should understand that.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 10:56

Ushers don't pay for their own suits.

Pull out.

Your being taken for fools

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 10:57

The rest is all fine but the suits no no no.

There are some entitled folk about

MissBattleaxe · 05/05/2016 10:57

Totally out of order to expect people to pay for particular outfits. It's rude and entitled.

The thing is, the bride and groom expect people to be so bloody honoured to be a member of the wedding party that they think it's then OK to give them a bill for it. If they can't afford to pay for the suits themselves, they need to adjust their plans and say something like "Please wear a black suit" or "please wear the tie and corsage we will give you".

EssentialHummus · 05/05/2016 10:59

To some extent it's irrelevant that you can afford the £400+, even though I'd be inclined to use means as a reason to say no. It's more, "We won't spend this money on a suit, but happy to wear one I have or go halves on hiring one." But in practice I think it's easier to say "we can't" than "we won't" / they are less likely to take this personally.

Mcchickenbb41 · 05/05/2016 11:03

I agree with Rae it's not on. Never in a million years would I make those demands. We paid for everything at our wedding even shoes and brought nice cuff links as a thankyou. It also meant a lot to me that members of the wedding party felt good in what they were wearing. Like a pp said this stupid culture seems to be coming from a desire to keep up with celebs. Also as another pp said making guests wear hideous clothes that don't suit them.

Cressandra · 05/05/2016 11:05

Essentialhummus is spot on. There is no rule that says just because you have cash in your bank account, you're duty bound to spend as much as they say on whatever they demand. It's your money, you have every right to not just throw it away make judgement calls on your own spending. But 'can't' is easier.

puddlejumpingqueen · 05/05/2016 11:11

I'm getting married and even though I have paid for wedding party outfits, I would not expect gifts from anyone let alone the wedding party. The amount of time and effort people have already kindly given is enough, especially with travel and hotel costs.

I wouldn't give a gift in this situation, but given the expectations the groom so far, I don't think it will be a popular decision with the marrying couple.

29redshoes · 05/05/2016 11:13

I'd give them a card, no present.

Can't believe they expect your DH to buy a (very expensive!) suit chosen by the groom!! How could anyone think that was reasonable?

CharminglyGawky · 05/05/2016 11:26

Oh wow that is extreme!

I got married last year, we paid for accommodation for the guests, we paid for the bridesmaid's full outfits so dresses, shoes and a shawl and I still felt guilty that everyone had to travel a few hours as we have a spread out family so nowhere was local for everyone!

I also couldn't have cared less if anyone got us gifts as long as they were there!

I would just give a card and get your husband to apologise in person to the groom saying that as the wedding is already costing you £X amount you simply can't afford it! Or the local currency one is a good idea as well.

Joinourclub · 05/05/2016 11:32

I think there is a positive/ reasonable counter argument to most of these points.
Engagement party: great! Fab opportunity to get all the mates together. We don't do this enough.
European stag: great! Mates on the piss - Just like old times.
Driving friend down: good friends do each other favours, seems fairly normal for groom to have a mate or two there in the build up.
4 nights in Cornwall: well, I love Cornwall and would go on holiday there every year if I could!
Pre and post wedding events: if people are travelling such a long way and staying multiple nights, it seems a thoughtful thing to arrange stuff they can do. These events aren't compulsory surely?
Suits: WHAT ON EARTH?! No way. I pay, I chose.

The suit thing is very unreasonable, and I think your partner needs to say no to that, I'm sure all the other ushers will agree. But don't let the suit thing make you resent all the other stuff.

Cressandra · 05/05/2016 11:43

Also keep it in perspective. However you justify not giving a gift, your friends are likely to see it as stingy. How galling if they think that, when you've spent hundreds on their wedding! Is it really worth saving, what, 2% to be remembered as the stingy ones?

So I think you should secure savings elsewhere (the suit) to "fund" the gift. Depressingly shallow? Yes.

MatildaTheCat · 05/05/2016 12:04

These weddings which end up costing guests such a fortune are breathtakingly selfish IMO. I would refuse to buy the suit unless it was something I wanted, needed and would wear again. I suspect you will end up giving a gift because you will somehow feel bad if you don't but you will also always have a niggle that their special day has cost you the equivalent of a decent holiday.

I hope you don't have too many more friends like this! Grin

whois · 05/05/2016 12:07

He's usher not the best man.

Travel - sorry mate, can't take you down as the Mrs hasn't got holiday and we need to drive together. Sorted.

Suits - are you having a giraff? I can't afford £350 for a suit. If you want matching ones you'll need to pick up the tab. Otherwise the ushers can get together and make sure we're wearing the same colour/style from our existing suits?

Gift - Fuck. That.

stegosauruslady · 05/05/2016 19:06

Wow. This kind of nonsense almost makes me want to get married just to not be like this.

Hulababy · 05/05/2016 19:11

I'd have no issue with Dh buying his own suit/shirt - infact he is a best man this year and have always assumed he would buy his own. However, it will be a suit of his choosing, from a shop of his choosing - the groom may suggest a colour I guess, but it is likely to be a dark one so suitable for work and will be worn again.

The whole hen/stag things always bug me a bit tbh. It used to be a night out with your friends in your local town centre. And that was it. Now it has to be huge costly affairs. Goodness knows why that changed.

Carolbetty · 05/05/2016 19:16

Er. F* off! It's not even a question of if you can afford it. Why does the groom get to spend your money so happily. I'd be mortified expecting everyone to pay and contribute so much. And where's the best man in all this? ?