To not buy a wedding present?

[oaktreebloom]

DH is one of 5 ushers at a friends wedding and the costs are just adding up. The wedding is over a bank holiday in in Cornwall so a significant distance from us and most friends and family who are based in and around Manchester.

So costs so far:
-Going to the engagement party
-DH has already been on the European stag.
-DH is driving the groom down a few days before the wedding on his request which means that I have to get a train as I don't have the holiday to take to go up early with them.
-Cost of 4 nights accommodation in Cornwall on a bank holiday.
-They are having a pre-wedding party the night before then a big pub meal the day after.
-DH has just been shopping with the groom and other ushers for suits where the groom announced that they would all have to pay for their own suits, which the groom gets to pick, which look to be £350-450!!

They have asked for a cash donation towards their honeymoon in an exotic location and I wouldn't normally entertain not buying a gift but considering the high costs of all the other aspects AIBU to think that a nice card and perhaps a token gift is acceptable in the above situation? Or should we just suck it up and stick £50 in a card whilst gritting our teeth?

Unless you are very affluent I think this is an extortionate amount of money to spend or be expected to spend.
I would not travel separately, he's just an usher so why does he need to be there earlier?
I planned my wedding around what was easiest for my guests location wise and it seems this groom has just got carried away or doesn't comprehend that these are expensive things to others!

This type of behaviour just amazes me. When I got married (back when the earth was cooling) I considered it an honour for me that my friends loved me enough to act as my attendants, not that I was doing them a favour by asking them!

Where I live it's customary for the attendants to pay for their attire, but it's also expected that the B & G keep their attendant's finances in view when selecting it and to expect to pay for it themselves if they wanted something over budget.

Card and a nice picture frame.

This right here is the reason why I disagree with weddings. I agree totally with what a wedding stands for, but when guests start having to fork out ridiculous amounts to attend and for extravagant hen/stag holidays etc., then for me it loses all meaning and I suspect many of the guests start to resent being invited at all.

It's irrelevant if you can afford it or not, it's about whether you want to spend the money thats relevant. I think the problem is your DH, why do you think he agrees to everything so readily? Why on earth wouldn't he just say that he doesn't want to buy the suit! Is he concerned about appearing skint when he isn't?

MumofTwos email is good but I'd. Say I don't want to spend the money rather than you can't afford it.

Your DH would be a mug (polite ) to pay for the suit.

In my family, it wasn't the groom pulling the strings and issuing orders, it was the bride and her bridesmaids. My partner, father of the groom ended up buying matching suits for himself, the groom and three ushers, all because the groom didn't want to upset the bride by lowering her expectations. In addition we paid to travel, rented a large house for the grooms family to stay for three days around the wedding and rehearsal and bought them a day trip as a wedding present. Since we have been rather excluded from family life and feel that this is because we didn't give the bride and groom a lump sum ( though I did also contribute to the brides dress).

I agree with the many comments about the high expectations of weddings. Fine if you can afford it and choose to spend your own money, but please don't have so many fancy ideas, involve your friends in 'project dream themed wedding' and expect everyone else to pay.

OP, even if you think you technically could afford to pay for the suit etc, do be aware that the first few years months of parenthood are astronomically expensive.

I lost track of how many £££s I spent on all sorts of weird and wonderful things which I hadn't heard of before I had a baby and which I was convinced were essential to get us through the early days (3 breast pumps: manual, single electric, double electric, assorted bf paraphernalia inc special pumping bra, nipple shields, milk catchers, 2 x slings, a baby swing, special soothing toys, cot mobiles etc etc etc). I don't regret most of it, but trust me, you're going to need that cash more than the happy couple need matchy matchy ushers and all that jazz!

No way would I be paying for the suit.

Whatever happened to grooms etc just hiring their suits? I also got married when the earth was still cooling, but honestly, weddings have become stupidly stupid.

My dsis is getting married this year, and I'm MOH, dd is flower girl, and thank god she hasn't gone for all this nonsense. She's really laid back about the whole thing, and doesn't seem to be planning on any of us spending excessive ££££££ on her day.

You're both mugs to go along with this to begin with.

Sorry to sound so harsh but surely you knew costs were going to be high when they sent you the invite?

Hjhfuhgh

I 'm not sure why your DH is having to drive the groom down several days beforehand though?

I always used to think that making sure that the Groom got to the wedding was the Best Man's role in life!

Flipping cheek!!!! I agree with what a lot of others are saying, the groom needs a good talking, and you can rent or buy a suit elsewhere for much cheaper!!! My husband found his suit, his two ushers, both dads and our sons and his nephews for around £450 (£70 a suit) kids were about £45 from a company online. We got married last year and would have expected that much from people!! We paid for our bridesmaids dresses also, at a discount store. Your other half is only an usher, which I'm sure his responsibilities only include showing guests where to sit!!!! They are expecting too much from him!!!! Don't have it. Tell them your fella isn't giving the demanding groom a lift a few days before either. Buy your own suit from a place of your choice and cost. And I'd put £20 in a card as goodwill gesture. Cheeky buggers both of them!!!! Good luck 🍀

OP, I get that it is hard for you to put the brakes on someone else's celebration.

But the suit/cuflinks thing is way over the top and beyond the duty of the ushers. If groomzilla is difficult to deal with then DH should call up the best man and just say it's gone too far, does he think the ushers could rent suits? I know it's difficult to make waves with people preparing for their wedding but -£400 - that's a lot of baby gros.

We wouldn't have* expected that much. The comment doesn't allow corrections.

Personally I think it's bloody cheeky to ask for money as a gift regardless of other expenses. Spending £10k or £10 to go to a wedding- it's rude.

I'd be thinking they are dressing up "we don't want any shit presents" as "oh you can just make a donation towards our holiday". I've given money in the past at weddings when their has been no gift list- but that's on my own back. If I was asked they would get sweet FA.

I hope the bride is just as entitled as her groom or I can't see this marriage lasting very long

Ridiculous. If the groom wants to choose them, he pays for them - buying or rental. If he wants the best man & ushers to pay for their own, they choose. Same with shirts, shoes, cuff links etc.

And yes to hiring suits for ushers etc. I can understand the Groom/Bride wanting to purchase their attire to keep but why would anyone else be bothered. Surely a black/navy/grey suit is just that at the end of the day?

Get DH to speak to the other ushers and I am sure they will be feeling that it's unreasonable of the groom to pick the suits, they should hire them instead & even if you can afford all the expenses , its YOUR money and with a baby on the way you will need the money to spend on your child, not on their ego trip wedding!

And you most certainly should fly down to Cornwall if your pregnancy allows!
I think they have got a bloody cheek!

OP can your dh hire rather than buy the suit?

First of all, that suit...hell no!!
Secondly, it's unreasonable to expect a pregnant lady to travel so far on the train alone with loads of bags to carry (if you are anything like me you'll have loads of bags anyway)
I reckon if the suits are vetoed (which all the ushers should insist on) then you should put some monies in the card.

I always think suits and extras for best man and ushers is same as dresses for bridesmaids - if the bride and groom want to have specific outfits etc they need to be prepared to pay. If they can't or wont pay they can't have too much of an input - i.e. they can stipulate colour and maybe style but thats about it.
Would your dp pay that for a suit of his choice for anything else? I know mine wouldn't ever.
The suit issue would prevent me giving a gift alone but if it was resolved I'd pop some cash in the card although even that rankles me - dislike the asking for honeymoon donations immensely but thats just me

YANBU. Although at least the happy couple are only making those in the wedding party buy new suits. I once went to a wedding where every single male guest was required to wear a morning suit. Even to hire one wasn't cheap (especially if you wanted something that you coul safely wear near a naked flame). And it ended up looking like a congregation of penguins.

How many weeks pregnant will you be at the wedding OP?
All this AL your DH is having to take to 'babysit' and taxi the Groomzilla could be converted to an extra precious week if paternity leave when your little baby arrives...

Card only.

This is bullshit.