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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy a wedding present?

133 replies

oaktreebloom · 05/05/2016 09:39

DH is one of 5 ushers at a friends wedding and the costs are just adding up. The wedding is over a bank holiday in in Cornwall so a significant distance from us and most friends and family who are based in and around Manchester.

So costs so far:
-Going to the engagement party
-DH has already been on the European stag.
-DH is driving the groom down a few days before the wedding on his request which means that I have to get a train as I don't have the holiday to take to go up early with them.
-Cost of 4 nights accommodation in Cornwall on a bank holiday.
-They are having a pre-wedding party the night before then a big pub meal the day after.
-DH has just been shopping with the groom and other ushers for suits where the groom announced that they would all have to pay for their own suits, which the groom gets to pick, which look to be £350-450!!

They have asked for a cash donation towards their honeymoon in an exotic location and I wouldn't normally entertain not buying a gift but considering the high costs of all the other aspects AIBU to think that a nice card and perhaps a token gift is acceptable in the above situation? Or should we just suck it up and stick £50 in a card whilst gritting our teeth?

OP posts:
Everylittlething87 · 05/05/2016 19:22

One suit is more than all of my 4 bridesmaids dresses put together :-o wow! YANBU at all, if he wants you to pay (never heard of this ever!) he cannot name a price like that! Take the p* quite frankly!

Sephipops · 05/05/2016 19:24

I'm starting to plan my own (very budget) wedding, and I've already included in the costs the cost of hiring a suit for my OH, his best man and my Dad. I've also included the cost of bridesmaid/flower girl dresses and a portaloo (a decent one, as my parents are graciously hosting the reception in their garden, but they have a septic tank which won't be able to cope with the number of guests). I wouldn't dream of asking someone who I had asked to wear something specific to pay for it themselves. I choose what you wear? I pay for what you wear!

Maybe suggest the Groomzilla head towards Moss Bros and then voila, you have £50 for the gift, and saved £100+ by not having to buy a suit!

expatinscotland · 05/05/2016 19:34

I'd pull out of the entire thing, tbh. And then send a card.

Beepbopboop · 05/05/2016 19:40

If I were you:
Do not give him a lift there.
Travel down together.

Refuse to pay for suit. FFS.
And give a token gift.
Cheeky fuckers.

Beepbopboop · 05/05/2016 19:41

They should not have 5, 5!!!! Ushers if they can't afford them. Angry

Teddy1970 · 05/05/2016 19:51

My god, the Groom is choosing the suit and you have to fork out HOW MUCH? Why not go to Moss Bros and hire for goodness sake, if the groom is hell bent on these suits then he should bloody well pay for them, I've heard of Bridezillas before but it seems now there are Groomzillas!

Viviennemary · 05/05/2016 19:53

The suit buying is totally out of order. If the groom wants matching suits then he must pay for them. This couple haven't given a thought to how much this is costing their guests. And the driving the groom and expecting you to get a train. That's a cheek. I don'n't think I'd be going under these circumstances. Just tell them that you simply haven't got enough money to pay for all this and see what they have to say to that. They sound totally selfish, immature and spoilt.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 05/05/2016 19:54

Never heard of such ridiculous entitled behaviour. These people obviously think they are important and are like celebrities. What happens if you are a normal person who can't afford all that. I'm guessing you wouldn't be a 'friend'. What happened to stag/hen do and wedding, end of. What a load of self-centred nonsense dragging it out and expecting everyone to join in spending ridiculous amounts of money. If they are that well off they can afford to pay for the suits.

YorkshireLass2012 · 05/05/2016 19:54

Wow, the cost of being a wedding guest or part of the wedding party is getting insanely expensive these days...

When I got married, I had my hen do abroad but carefully chose a destination where you could fly to with a low budget airline. I also shared my plan a year in advance so that we could all book early and as cheaply as possible. Even so, I made it very clear to all that I didn't expect anyone to go to that expense.

In terms of the wedding party, my husband and I paid for everything. We hired the grooms' suits and bought all the bridesmaids outfits (shoes, jewellery, makeup and hair) because our party members live scattered across the globe. We rented out a hotel and negotiated a discount price for all.

We had a family lunch the day before which my parents-in-law generously paid for. And we had an open invitation to a pub lunch the next day as many guests had travelled across the globe to share our day and we wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. But my husband and I wouldn't dream of making any participation compulsory.

I think it is worth the OP having an open and frank discussion re expenses with the bride and groom. It is worth floating the idea of hiring the suits. They may not appreciate the expense as a total. Is there another usher who could drive the groom down early?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/05/2016 19:55

Yabvu

Apart from the cost of the suit.

Don't be so miserable.

Oly5 · 05/05/2016 19:57

I would buy a gift - always
Not to do so will really upset them.

But I'd say your DH needs to hire a suit

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/05/2016 19:58

Basically they can't afford the suit either, so you have to fork out.

Or not. Would the world end if you didn't see them again?.

magratvonlipwig · 05/05/2016 20:23

£20 in the card is plenty

Pico2 · 05/05/2016 20:25

You're looking at spending at least £1k in total, what with the suit, stag do, travel and accommodation. That is an outrageous amount to be expected to spend. Clearly there are bits you are committed to, so I'd draw a line under those and say that you can't spend any more.

SpartaCarcass · 05/05/2016 20:26

That is massively expensive and totally unreasonable.
The suits should be hired and probably paid for by the groom.

EweAreHere · 05/05/2016 20:30

I'd refuse, REFUSE, to pay for the suit. The groom can pay or he can find another usher and another ride to Cornwall.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 05/05/2016 20:32

ThroughThick she is not BVU, how ridiculous, you obviously live in a different world. It seems to me they are being very accommodating and are now being taken for a bit of a ride expecting them to fork out for suits and to have to drive the usher down and therefore pay for extra nights of accommodation. Obviously there is a lot of enjoyment for all, but these are high expectations that everyone has to join in and pay for or will be considered miserable like ThroughThick thinks. I'm glad I don't know anyone that self centred who thinks a wedding requires this much time and money to be spent, I'd be hacked off and definitely not so accommodating (miserable).

To arrange extra meals and things that are optional to enable people to spend more time together is completely different and a nice idea as one day isn't long.

piddleypower · 05/05/2016 20:34

Being a wedding guest is an expensive business. Suck it up.
Apart from the suit, that's unreasonable and you DH should just be honest (in a really nice way).

AnotherTimeMaybe · 05/05/2016 20:39

OP what are the other ushers doing re the present ? Do you know?
I'd personally buy something for a tenner if I were you and mainly cause if the suit situation. I wouldn't give cash cause 10 doesn't look great but id look for a good sale somewhere and get something ridiculously cheap

At least is the suit reusable for work and stuff?

expatinscotland · 05/05/2016 20:40

'Being a wedding guest is an expensive business. Suck it up. '

Only when the couple are self-important twats. In which case, people can just decline the invitation.

BackforGood · 05/05/2016 20:41

Well - you chose to go to the engagement party.
Your dh chose to go on a European break with the stags.
It would have been completely reasonable to say 'No Thanks' to either or both of those.
However, it is outrageous that the groom is dictating what his friends should wear and then giving them the bill - your dh should say (should have said?) that to him.

I don't thin you would be at all unreasonable to just give them a card.

Muffymcmuff · 05/05/2016 20:44

Blatant placemarking... but BIL due to marry Sept and got a feeling it's heading this way cost-wise Confused

dailyfailrag · 05/05/2016 20:51

Paying to go to the stag/hen is fine, travel costs are expected, I'd expect to pay for accommodation (although, 4 nights in Cornwall on a bank holiday, owch!), but yeah the suit thing and giving free lifts etc really adds up and they're taking the piss a bit. I'd just give them a card. They could have had a more local wedding without long drives and everyone staying over, but chose this place, so they can't really expect extra cash.

ZenNudist · 05/05/2016 20:52

OP I live in manchester and we hired suits for the week from here

It's excellent. The groom is massively taking the piss expecting 5 men to cough up around £500 each. That's insane.

Try this place. Tell groom it would be much more sensible if he just hire suits for groomsmen.

I think your dh should now out otherwise. As you are in mat leave it's common sense to spend your money wisely.

Actually I also started a cheeky b&g-shall I buy a present thread. I got a resounding no. I'm going to say the same to you.

Please please come back and update us that your dh has stood up to groomzilla. I bet the other men are thinking the same thing.

iMogster · 05/05/2016 20:53

Get your DH to speak to the other ushers about all getting a hire suit or £99 suit from M&S that he will wear again. There is no way Groom should choose and not pay.