Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

My daughter was bullied at primary, it was spiteful verbal stuff, not physical. The school was hopeless and Ofsted outstanding, so I wouldn't put any faith in Ofsted ratings.
We moved her, I so wish we'd done it 6mths earlier, she was happy at her new school and their ethos was totally different.
Good luck with your meeting today, you are doing all the right things, watch out for them trying to push the blame onto your DS and saying things like they'll make sure any new school knows he's a trouble maker etc. Ultimately, I wouldn't send him back.

In the meeting - absolutely awful so far, will update you all when out and answer to you. The Deputy (who this meeting is currently with) has just gone to get his Head of Year, well to see if she is free to come down. However, just quick, is it me or are they the delusional ones? I said he was kicked hard in the leg, during getting changed for PE; they said it could have quite easily been a slight nudge and was an accident!? Would that really cause this bruise??? Will answer all when out.

It's not you. The tack they will take is to blame your DS. You have evidence. Stand firm.

Ds1 has just started secondary and when I read your post, my heart went out to you.
This is so very sad. Disgraceful. Have you had any success finding an alternative school?

You poor boy. :( I was so angry reading that. How dare the school let those things happen to him while he is in their care. Yes, I would take him out and I would be making formal complaints about the school and their bullying policy.

Stay strong. It sounds like the are closing ranks to protect thenselves. You know your son is not a liar do you know you wrong. I cannot believe they are acting in this victim blaming way.

Run for the hills! Victim blaming at its finest...

Seriously, you are a great mum.

Really impressed with how you are handling all of this. You are brilliant!

They're covering their backs

Let us know how you go on Charlie

Take him out. Go to the meeting on your own then tell them your going to the paper's about how they've failed in their duty of care. See them squirm then walk out head high and find him another school. Good luck whatever you do.

This thread has brought me to tears op, I am so angry and frustrated on yours and your ds's behalf! You're doing brilliantly at trying to protect your son and ensuring he has you in his corner.

Given the level of assault that has been happening I'd also be involving the police tbh. The bullies and the school cannot be allowed to get away with making your son's life such a misery. Children should feel safe in a learning environment.

Years ago this happened to my Dd1. Less physical, more spiteful girl shit, sniggering at clothes, hair, my poor girl who had recently lost her dad was so unhappy. I was variously told by Head of year etc that the bullies were 'from chaotic families' (like losing her dad wasn't chaotic), in the end I said I would remove her from school if they weren't prepared to keep her happy and safe. I feel that threat was only productive because she was very high performing.
God I hate bullies.
Hope your boy gets the help he needs. He is already a winner because he has you as a mum.

Yes, just to say I went through a period of verbal bullying. It was horrible. I didn't tell my parents much though because mum was dealing with my nan's death and my dad's business was failing. I didn't feel I should add to their worries. The fact that your son has been totally honest about this op speaks volumes for your relationship. You will get through this, one way or another. I found a new friendship group, stood my ground and they eventually left me alone. On the whole I really enjoyed going to school once I got over this.

Good luck, Charlie. Of course the school will make excuses, as otherwise it has to admit it's shit.

Emphasise how your son feels and stick to the facts regarding the incidents. Repeat the school's anti-bullying policy back to it, too.

Hey and my kids go to' requires improvement' and previously 'inadequate' schools, but I'd rather they went there than some so called outstanding schools who don't deal with bullies.

Don't send him back. Complain and keep complaining going as high as needed.

He doesn't need to say he was bullied when people ask why he's moved school. Just mum didn't like it or moved etc. He also doesn't need to let anyone from his old school know where he's going.

I'd recommend changing phone numbers, Facebook, Instagram, snapchat etc.

Good luck. I hope your son settles in and makes lots of proper friends at his new school.

I'm so sorry your poor little boy has had to put up with this somewhere where they should be keeping him SAFE for fucks sake. I'm so angry at the school who are failing your child and the little fuckers who think this is ok.
Stay strong and don't let them bully you too. HUGS x

This is bringing back memories from my secondary school experience of being bullied. What the kids did to me was bad but the teachers not giving a damn and looking at me like I was the problem was worse. Thinking about my time at that school still makes me feel like shit and it's been 12 years.

You have your child's back OP and you sound like you're doing an excellent job, don't let them patronise you or your son or minimise the bullying.

So sorry your son is going through this! And you! You are absolutely doing the right thing. That picture is definitely not a nudge!

My son was thrown to the ground in year 7 and kicked in the ribs several times. Secondary school is so worrying. Thankfully the school took it seriously and punished the boy (who I think had issues of his own by the sounds of things!) and He is year 9 now and pretty settled thankfully but this came shortly after a young lad killed himself due to bully's at my sons school!

Ask to see their bullying policy and get the governors and LEA involved. The school have handled this appallingly !!

It's not you, They are victim blaming. well done for being the best mum and fighting your sons corner, I was one of the first to reply to you at 2 am and checked this as soon as I could this morning I'm so glad you didn't take your son this to the meeting. As long as he does not go back things can only get better.

Oh my goodness. This is awful. I would not send my son back to school if this was what was happening. Your son will now be hyper-sensitive to any slight and will probably react strongly at some point which will feed into the notion (from the school's point of view) that it is partly his fault (ie. if he swears or hits back from pure frustration). The school are not supporting you and I would insist on a meeting with the Headteacher - being too busy to deal with bullying???? WTF. Not good enough. I would explore other options first though - other schools which may have space to take your son. Your son needs to move fairly quickly before his confidence is irreversibly knocked. You don't want him to start again somewhere feeling like a victim. Once you know your options you can see your Headteacher to explain calmly why you are taking your son out. He needs to know what is happening as his Deputy may not be passing on all the right information to him. I would be so angry and hurt on behalf of my son but put all that energy into being pro-active and seeking an alternative school where your son can be happy. I really wish you all the luck in the world - big hugs x

Good luck OP. Another one here who was bullied (boarding school, so an absolute nightmare as I could not get away), but I hope you get a successful conclusion.

This has just made me cry - it's absolutely disgraceful. You can't let him go back with all of that going on. Big hug!

Just to say re. finding a new school:

At this point, catchment doesn't matter. If the school you want has a space in the right year group for your DS, that place is yours, wherever you live.

if the school is full and has a waiting list, your position on the waiting list will be determined by how high you are in the list of original oversubscription criteria, not by when you apply for a place. So if the 'good' school has a waiting list, and distance from school is the main element of the oversubscription criteria (may well be Children with statement naming school / Looked after children / Siblings / Distance) then you will be below e.g. someone a mile away but above someone 4 miles away IYSWIM.

It is ALWAYS worth ringing all possible schools up and going to visit them. Outstanding schools can be dreadful for bullying, Inadequate schools fantastic. And going to visit them will mean that you can talk to them about your DS's experience, how they will help him, examples of how they have dealt with bullying etc.

You can of course appeal for the new school if you aren't given a place immediately, and all the evidence you collect about how the bullying has not been dealt with and how the school you are applying to would be better at doing son would be relevant: IME it is one of the few times when information 'against' a particular school can be useful in an appeal, although you'll need the MN appeals experts like Admission, PanelChair and prh47bridge to advise you how best to use it.

The school are victim-blaming because they are too incompetent and lazy to tackle the bullies.
Tell them you are reporting these criminal assaults to the police - and do so.

No adult would have to put up with this, so why should a young boy ?