Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

Better that he misses a few weeks, even months, of school rather than be criminally assaulted.
Those attacks could escalate to even more serious injury, because those bullies know they have immunity to assault him as much as they want.

This is so sad, it brought tears to my eyes, poor you and your son, definitely pull him out asap. You need to be strong with the school, you need to tell them you are not going to leave it and will take it further to the board of governors & ofsted. Also tell them as you feel it is unsafe for your son to attend, you're going to pull him out. He can't be learning much if he's so distressed. The school should be calling in the bullies' parents in and suspending them, not your son. Very depressing to read that things like that are allowed to happen and go on in schools in this country. Can you contact your local education authority (council) and discuss?

I can't believe the schools utter refusal to acknowledge the situation!!

You sound like a fantastic mum op. I know it's probably on my of the most horrendous things to see your son go through all this, but I'l bet he feels so much stronger with a mum like you fighting his corner!

Get tough with the school. No time for politeness and meekness now. Give them a tongue lashing (but don't start swearing). Tell them you're phoning the police in the first instance and the school is failing to protect your son. Your next step is escalating it to the governors and the local authority. Tell the deputy that you're now shouting this from the rooftops to whoever will listen. They are treating you both appallingly.

The police are obliged to speak to the year 11's or whoever has assaulted him. I'd report the year 7's too.

I've been here with my eldest. It's hell and you have my every sympathy. In the end he refused to go back and went to another school. He was very happy there with no problems beyond the usual, normal ones. I'm so angry for you but this will pass and you and importantly your son will be happy again. Get tough with them now as they're not listening and doing the same old shit of apportioning blame etc. It's bullshit. Your son is being bullied. Hang on in there. Kick a big fuss up and make it clear to the school that's what you're doing. Keep your nerve. Poor kid.

Just to add that my sons new school is requires improvement and the one I removed him from was outstanding. Hundreds appeal every year and one idiot woman even questioned why i had took ds out of school as it was the best one. Who cares about ofsted if the reality is different?
My sons new school isn't the best on paper but it's the best for him and that's all that matters!
Hope everything went well today :)

Can I just add as well the crap school my eldest had problems at was considered outstanding too and the best in the area. It was a fucking dump in my opinion.

Very sad and angry on your behalf to read this. I would definitely not send him back. I would raise absolute hell, involve police etc.

He is very unlucky in this school, but he is very lucky to have you as his mother.

Really, schools like this make my blood boil. Hugs for your DS.

I'd honestly call the police. Your son is being repeatedly assaulted and the school are failing to protect him. Ask for a copy of the bullying policy. Get everything in writing- email them to confirm what had been discussed, etc.

I wouldn't let him go back there. I was mercilessly bullied from the start of year 7 to the end of year 9. I was having regular panic attacks. I stuck with it because I didn't want to give in, but ultimately cracked and refused to go back to start year 10. My poor parents had to search for a new school at the start of my GCSEs. Luckily I moved and was much, much happier.

Sorry, posted too soon!

Also wanted to say my thoughts are with you and your son

Definitely police. You'll be doing the bullies a favour in the long term too: if they aren't checked now (probably just a warning) they will end up with criminal records when they are older. They won't stop.

Please pull him out straight away. You can deregister him and HE him whilst he is on waiting lists. If you pop over and ask on the HE board people will be able to reassure you about it.

You sound like a really lovely mum. I wish you'd been my mum when I was bullied at school.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, it's really lovely of you all!

Wow... Is all I can say - what utter twats... I'll just highlight some of the things said, as it was an hour and a half, so too long to go through it all.

"Like you say, your son's mental health is deteriorating - I'm not sure if you're aware, but that's sometimes a cause for attention seeking..."

"If all this took place, someone would have seen it somewhere - we have all had our eyes on look out, so it is very unreasonable to consider taking this all to the police and higher..."

"I think your son's true colours showed the other day, he was very rude to a TA, who's to say he hasn't provoked any of this..."

"We don't have enough time to go through your folder of claims, because there are 900 other pupils to deal with; not just your son..."

It just goes on and on...

DS has requested ice-cream and pizza, so that's exactly what we're having today - snuggled on the sofa, with his chosen horror movie! Can't wait to just snuggle him.

I haven't explained the whole leaving yet to him, I've just we are taking a break from a place that isn't willing to look after him.

No, none of his friends from Primary went to his school, he didn't get in, due to catchment. There is a boy (my friend's son) who goes to a Private school nearby. He would be in my son's year... Would a Private school be a good option? I just don't want to make things worse.

As a teacher I would absolutely be complaining to ofsted. It's an unsafe environment.
Secondly my DS3 started our local grammar last September. The bullying he suffered included having his hair cut, uniform/ blazer cut with scissors, food thrown at him, pushed down the stairs.
I moved him to my school. A local secondary. And he is thriving. Best thing I ever did. I listened as you are. They still need to be help accountable though.

Op, if you can keep your temper whilst the school deny, obfuscate and victim blame, then you are a much better person than I am.
Its the right thing to do (else it will be used as another reason to do nothing), but that would test the patience of a saint.

Change schools. Those teachers are failing as human beings never mind as teachers. Your son will never get a good education there.

FWIW When I sorted things out for DS, he was transformed. It had been going on so long that I didn't even realise what effect it was having on him. You won't even realise how deep this problem was until you see the difference when it has been fixed.

But please do call the police. These boys should not get away with it (nor should the head of year) and your son should know that the authorities do not think what has happened to him is acceptable.

Speak to the school he didn't get into.

Oh your poor son!

I hope the meeting has turned a better direction now. They can't ignore a folder of evidence!

You have my sincerest sympathies and your poor poor DS - I cried reading all the terrible things he's been put through. I agree - pull him out and report to the police. And tell the school you're pushing for charges. I wish you well xx

I will talk to the school he didn't get into, but that has recently been made inadequate; I know it doesn't mean much, so I won't rule it out... I'll definitely go for a visit/meeting.

Would you consider a Private school?

Utter, utter tossers. I had the same fucking response. Years later it annoys me. Total deflection and victim blaming. Of course he's going to react! Idiots.

We went private Charlie. It turned out the best thing ever for us. Apart from one minor incident in the first few weeks when he was still very sensitive and reactive there has been nothing in five years. From worrying what state he was in at home time every day to being able to relax in time was wonderful. Never felt it was giving up either, as some said to me. The school was useless. They don't care about the individual at times. But kick a stink up anyway. I should have kicked a bigger one up.

Wish I could give you both a hug.

Kick boxing lessons is a great way of building up his confidence and making new friends.

Tell the school that you're going to go to the local press.

If you can afford a private school, OP. then yes, i'd consider it.

Your DS will need a fresh start and somewhere nurturing.

Please report this though and don't bother warning the school. You've given them their chances, they don't deserve to be forewarned about a police visit.

A letter of complaint to the head of the governors too.

But I'd be thinking that my son would never have to set foot in that school again whatever it takes.

I think what others have said police, chair of governors and headteacher.

Well done for keeping your cool, I hope your son can start to feel safe with the fact he does not have to go back there.

CharlieJamie,
Please contact your husbands Unit Welfare Office, or the Army Families Federation, they have lots of advice for these situations, and will also be able to help you secure a place in a new school. You're a strong lady, and you are doing the best by your son by getting him the hell out of that toxic environment. Please don't feel like you're on your own, you're not- we are all part of the forces family, please please get in touch with the support available. Thinking of you xxx