Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

CharlieJamie I am so sorry about this, how utterly awful

YOu need to help him take back control.

I assume he never wants to go back to thhat shit hole, so please do not make him. Please pull your son out of the school and report the school to Ofsted and anyone else relevant (governors or whatever).

The school are utterly incompetent and need to be reported. In your shoes I would consider suing but I would take all decisions with your son, speak to him first, what does he want to do? Do not take him to a meeting where he will be expected to go back into that utter shit hole.

If I had been bullied in this way, I would say fuck too!

Once the dusk has settled please look into some strategies to help your son get back his confidence. To nurture things that will help him. This might be outside school clubs (I mean unconnected to school) that he can feel safe in and build friendships in. It could be a sports club or some sort of martial arts or self deference, but only with his agreement, don't push him to do anything he doesn't want to do just yet, he has been pushed around way too much.

Encourage him and remind him how great he is and allow him to feel angry and sad about what happened. By that I mean don't try and jolly it out of him. He is obviously traumatized by what happened and who can blame him.

I know this may not be the right thing to suggest, so weigh my words carefully, but if he has some affects from what has happened you may want to look into some counselling for him, with his agreement. I have heard very good things about EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

I have no experience of this and do not know if it works but I think after months of this treatment he will need some sort of counselling, potentially, but only with his agreement.

If you can find a way to sue the school without incurring costs, please do, because I wish more people would and then fucking incompetent schools would be forced to sort themselves out.

Give him a big hug and let him have as much autonomy as is reasonable to help him re-build his sense of self and value.

Be strong for him, be angry because this situation is utter shite and you need to be angry for him, of course you are sad too, but sadness doesn't seem to get things done. Righteous anger can sometimes drive you on to find the right solutions, to push at the right school door, to look out for what will be best for him.

If you do go to the meeting take a copy of what you have said here and read out the examples of the behavior your son has experienced. Read them to yourself before you go so you can say them loudly without getting too upset. I know this sounds heartless but I feel schools are too quick to dismiss emotion like sadness but I feel a righteous anger is harder to dismiss. Do you need someone to go with you to the meeting? Do you have a partner or friend who could go for moral support?

(just so you know I am 51 and do Taekwan-do, it;s bloody hard but it has helped me to be more empowered. I am not a victim of bullying or any abuse but I have always been a slightly fearful person and I have found properly well-run martial arts or sense defense - NO teacher bullying/humiliating trainer types - has been most empowering).

Good luck. Please do tell us how things go.

I would absolutely call the police and I've never said that before on AIBU. Do it now. The TA saw the result of being thumped in the face ie. the bleeding nose. Give her name as a witness. Ask your son if he thinks that it would have been caught on CCTV.

Check the school's policy re. escalating it. I suspect the enxt step is to the board of governors. You'll need to follow the correct procedure even though you may feel it's a waste of time.

Write down everything in chronological order. Everything your son's said to you and every interaction either of you have had with members of staff.

I'd tell him he doesn't need to go back and I'd start looking for a new school immediately.

A poster on a different thread said something like "sometimes children need to stand on their own two feet but sometimes you need to be a parent and say to the "don't worry, I've got this and then fight their corner." I'm not for a second saying you haven't been doing that but it's time to show him that you aren't going to send him back to that situation or allow these things to happen to him. Go to that meeting without him. Tell them why.

This makes me so mad. Some schools are too interested in protecting their 'bully free' status to actually tackle any bullying brought to their attention. I have seen it in the Primary and Secondary schools I attended, staff just unwilling to tackle what was right in front of them.

I would be writing/emailing the governors, the LEA and Ofsted to say you have had to remove your child due to ongoing bullying which the school has made no effort to tackle. Did you or your son keep notes of the dates incidents occurred? Even a rough idea of how long it has gone on, that it has escalated and that your son has been assaulted on school premises and has received no support.

I feel so sorry for you and your son, I would echo what other people have said about not sending him back there. I am furious on your behalf that your son was spoken to like that by a senior member of staff, victim blaming at its worst.

Hi op, just wanted to let you know that there is hope, I've been in your shoes.
My ds is in 13 and in year 8 but this exact time a year ago I removed him from year 7.
He has aspergers and was really confident in primary, lots of friends etc then went to a secondary school that people would sell their granny for their dc to attend, fantastic name etc etc.
My ds changed, I asked him so many times if he was being bullied, always said no but was constantly "sick" and severely anxious.

Fast forward a few months and his friend finally broke down to his mum and confessed that he and my ds were both being bullied, and by a large group of boys.
Ds immediately let it all out once I knew. It was physical, verbal and cyber bullying too :(

I sprung into action, demanded a meeting at the school. Took evidence of cyber bullying and the school were useless and didn't want to accept there was a problem.

I asked to see their anti bullying policy, safeguarding policy and behaviour policy, they never materialised.
I Involved the education welfare officer at the council and told her that I was going to remove ds.
To be fair she was completely supportive and the school started threatening me with tales of fines, court etc, my answer was " go for it"

I got ds's uniform and threw it out of the door! It was liberating ( I obviously picked it up! ) and I assured him that he would never have to go back.
The change on him was incredible.
It took 9 weeks to get him a new school. I am a sahm so appreciate this may not be easy for everyone. We did work but wouldn't exactly say I home schooled, I was more concerned for his mental health at that point.

So I appealed to one school and lost, even with substantial medical evidence and CAHMS support.
I felt lost. I then started to look at schools i had previously discounted based on things like ofsted and reputation and found a local secondary that we both immediately loved and he had friends there from primary school.
Sil thought I was crazy, she's a teacher and said she wouldn't send any child of hers there.
I knew it was the right thing to do, ds started at the beginning of July with weeks to go in year 7!
He has flourished. Made tons of friends, not one incident of bullying at all and the most important thing for me- he's happy!!

Please op, take your son out. I appreciate it's not going to be easy but the end result is worth it I promise.
Sorry for the essay, I know the desperation you're feeling right now and it's horrible. Wanted you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Very best of luck to you and ds x

This is disgusting behaviour. Not only from the kids but also the staff. Please pull him out and find another school. If you don't I fear that your son may hurt himself or turn to drugs to blot things out.

I can't believe that the school is allowing bullying, especially to this level. This is pretty sever bullying IMO.

Did his main friends from his previous school go to a different secondary school to your DS?

Please please take your son out of that place. I read your post and it sent shivers down my spine as it is very similar to my experience at school but I stayed. I'm now an adult with completely shot to pieces self esteem, lots of difficulties with trusting people, fears that people are going to hurt me and difficulties with crippling anxiety. I put it down to the 8 years of abuse I received from 2 different schools with little support from the staff and ineffective methods of trying to deal with it.

Big hugs to you and your son I can empathise with how he feels.

What your DS has been through CharlieJamie is horrific! I'm so sorry he's had such an awful experience.

You absolutely need to remove him from this toxic environment. I was angry right from the start of your post when his FT didn't take you seriously when you first spoke about this, but what you wrote after that really horrified me! No child should ever have to experience that, and you have to protect him. He can't do it himself, and even if it means you home school him (and the first while just spoil him rotten - I think 'educational' trips to the ice cream shop are appropriate in this case!) for a bit he needs out now. Don't even send him one more day. Give him time to recover with you, and start to investigate your options with other schools.

It's up to you whether you pursue this with the school - I absolutely would as their care for him has been non-existent and I would be complaining loudly about it to the school, the BoG, the education authority, Ofsted, and the police - but your priority is your DS, please please just tell him first thing in the morning that he NEVER had to set foot in that place again.

Your son has been assaulted. You need to report this to the police. And never send him back to that school.

I'm another one you agrees you should take him out of school ASAP.

But I just want to acknowledge what a difficult thing that will be for you to accomplish, not knowing what will happen next.

It's all very well for people on the Internet to blithely say 'take him out of school' when virtually all of us have never had to do something like that.

It's easy for us to say. But it doesn't mean we're wrong. We are following the principle that, it is down to us to protect our children. Which makes the decision easy, even if the execution will be hard, for you.

Your son will never forget that you helped him. It is a defining moment in his life.

my hearts broken for him, poor poor boy.

if this was my boy, he would NOT be going back and id take it further. (god knows how/who/where)

massive, massive hugs to you and your boy.

Further to missrabbits' post happy children do better at school anyway. I went to the 'poor' school my sister went to the grammar. I had lovely friends and a great time and did quite well at exams despite being 'less bright' than my sister, my sister was bullied, miserable and failed most of her exams despite being brighter and her school being 'better'

Please don't send him back there!

Notify the school today that you're home edding him and he won't be returning.

Don't let them talk you into sending him in again.

Then, at your leisure, you can find a new school for him.

I am so sorry for your son. Awful to be physically abused daily at school.

The bullying is escalating because they aren't being punished for their behaviour.

I would ask for a copy of the bullying policy which for a lot of schools is actually available on their website. That way you can show them that they are failing to safeguard your child. Here is the quote from my son's secondary

Bullying is defined as:
“ the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person by another (s), where
the relationship involves an imbalance of power.”

2.1.2 It usually takes one of four forms:
• Physical e.g. hitting, fighting, taking belongings
• Verbal e.g. name-calling, insulting remarks, racist or
homophobic comments
• Indirect e.g. rumour-mongering, excluding someone
from social groups
• Cyber-bullying e.g. texting, use of websites, social media etc

And how they deal with it

PROCEDURES FOR DEALING WITH INCIDENTS
4.1 All incidents must be treated seriously by staff and referred to the
Form Tutor/Head of Year /Progress Tutor/Head of Alliance/ Inclusion
Manager/ Assistant Principals as soon as possible.
4.2 Written statements should be taken using the standard pro-forma from
all students involved.
4.3 Both ‘victim’ and the ‘bully/perpetrator’ must be made aware that the
Trust views any instance of bullying or hate incident very seriously.
4.4 It is imperative that the victim is supported and is given help, support
and guidance.

Your school is failing your child. Even if your son doesn't attend the meeting, you should go. As the children are above the age of criminal responsibility I would threaten to call the police over the bloody nose. I would see what the school has to say, after all there are reports to the head of year.

But I would also start looking at alternative schools.

She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth.

Take him out. If after all these incidents they still don't know what is going on and aren't prepared to do anything about it, remove him. Whether because of incompetence or lack of resources, they clearly aren't 'keeping an eye on things'.

It's difficult to see how he is learning anything with all this going on, and it is your duty to make sure that he receives an education. Explain exactly why you are doing what you are doing to the relevant people and go all the way up the chain, but don't keep your son in an environment where he isn't safe.

This is shocking. No way would I send my son back to that school! Bullying is one thing but the way it is handled by the adults is quite another.

Firstly remove your son and start looking for another school.

Then write everything down - date, time, incident, injuries / property damage, those involved.

Finally, report to the police. Think about it: if someone on the street punched your son in the face you'd call the police so why should the perpetrators be safe because it happened at school? The school are doing nothing but police involvement might give these bullies pause for thought.

Awful, awful, awful, Charlie. It sounds similar to wha happened to me, but much worse. . It doesn't sound like the school are going to be any good at dealing with it. How would your son feel about you pulling him out/trying to find another school? I really think you ought to consider it, and definitely, as pp have said, escalate it as far as you can. Great that your son can talk to you though, and that you can fight his corner. You sound like a great mum.

This is one of the worst things I've read on here in a while and like pp I felt upset just reading your post. What a shit school, there is no way the head should be " too busy" to deal with bullying, clearly though crappy attitudes are coming from the leadership of that school and filtering down.

I would be taking this higher to the local authority and ofsted now and putting in a complaint and yes if you have the energy for it sue the school. Your son really needs to not have to go back there and I would be looking at another school for him. Practically speaking that may be difficult for you especially if you are also working. Do you have support op, a partner or grandparents who can help out short term?

My oldest son has experienced bullying a couple of times at primary and high school and on both occasions it was dealt with after one phone call from me. On the second occasion when DS was being bullied by a group of older boys the head dealt directly with the ring leader. It's just not acceptable these days for schools to be this crap, I am so for you and your DS, good luck.

I would not send him back and would consider going to the police especially over the year 11's assaulting him! Your poor boy!

You sound like a great mum.

Having just dealt with bullying myself (but the school took the opposite approach), I'd say report to the police and take your son out of school until there are plans in place to make it safe for him.

Legally, you aren't allowed to take him out of school, but I'd do it any way. Also, if its a LA school, involve the LEA. They'll have a child protection officer or something.

Put things in writing and be crystal clear about what you want to happen - exclusion is the only answer (for the bullies not your DS).

I am so sorry. What i went through with DS had me in tears every day for a month. Your son is two years younger, is suffering more and the school isn't helping. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Just to add to my early morning musings we took dd2 out due to the actions of another child. She had a space to go to immediately and it was like turning on a switch. The years of sadness evaporated (she was only bullied in the last month or so but wasn't happy in the school before). Most people I know who have removed their child due to bullying haven't had any regrets other than that they didn't do it earlier.

Get him out. Poor love. And poor you

The day we told DS he didn't have to go back to school until things were resolved, for me was just the most awful day, but DS just looked relieved.

I think you'll have to change school, but you still need to go to the police. The boys are above the age of criminal responsibility.

Think of it this way: if you heard that an adult was having their pants yanked down, pushed, hit, name called, etc, you'd expect the police to be interested. If the person was vulnerable, you'd expect them to be even more interested. All this still applies if you are 12.

And see a doctor about the psychological harm that the bullies have done (and the school has allowed).

The more that's on record, the better.

I would be looking for a new school too. Look for one with a kind ethos, and actually I'd look for a new building with cctv - so much easier to manage any bullying and it can be witnessed and children can be dealt with straight away. It's so hard with no independent witnesses and children all giving different stories.

Get him out immediately, raise a complaint with LEA and report assaults to police. Your poor son shouldn't have to take this anymore.