Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

You absolutely are allowed to legally take him out of school. You need to write a letter de-registering him. It's perfectly legal. No child HAS to be in a school in this country, it's just one way of educating your child that you can choose from.

OP you're scared of doing the wrong thing because it's so drummed into us that school is the only way to educate and all children have to be there. They don't. Pull him out. I'd deregister him along with a very long statement confirming why you're doing so, that the school have proved repeatedly over and over again that they cannot keep him safe. Give him a lovely long break and then start looking for another school when he's ready. As another poster said, it's only 7 weeks till the summer holidays which gives some breathing space for him to recover and you to start looking for another school if school is the route you decide to take.

Report this to the police immediately. This is criminal behaviour. Then write to governing body and make a written official complaint . Do not send your child back to school. The police will add gravity to the situation and as frankly their parents need to be informed. I would push down very hard on this.

I agree with everyone else . Remove him and look for another school TODAY .

My only suggestion is that if you can get a place before the summer holidays , start his straight away , rather than leaving it until after the summer. Otherwise he might spend the whole summer worrying about his new school and if he will be bullied there too .

I also agree with the suggestions to find him counselling and also an sport / activity that he can do well in .

Woudo your son consider calling childline ? Bullying is one of the commonest issues that children call about .

It makes me so angry that children are allowed to behave like this. Imagine if our colleagues behaved like this? Why is it OK because they are children?

OP, have you considered homeschooling?

Before you remove him Please write to the chair of governors. If he/she receives a formal complaint (just needs to be an email, no special format) he is compelled to act on it. It is quite possible the governors aren't aware of how this stuff is being handled and would be horrified. There is a lot they can do (if they are any good which they may not be) and it could be the first step to avoiding this happening to other children once your son has been safely removed

I would also take the official complaints route, don't go quietly

I think that there's every chance he will be heightened and stressed out, possibly even PTSD and suffering a lack of confidence after everything he's been through. I think it would be a very bad idea to add to that stress by shoving him straight into a new school environment and expect him to flourish. He needs a break to recover, as would anyone who had been through the trauma and abuse that he has. If this happened to an adult in the work place no one would be expecting them to dive straight back into a new job and just getting on with it.

"Change school and tell governors, Ofsted and local authority why in no uncertain terms"

Can I suggest that you contact whoever is in charge of safeguarding in your LA as well. The school is clearly failing in its duty to keep your son safe.

I would print out the school's bullying policy and make notes against each point where the school is not complying. Can you take someone else with you to the meeting?

Take him out. If you can, home ed while you let him recover from this and research other schools carefully if you want him to go back to school.

Jeepers, what an awful, awful story. Definitely take him out and definitely create a good paper trail for yourself as well. Document every incident and keep dozens of copies. Please inform the police as well and let the school know that you are doing so. If you possibly can, remain calm and authoritative. The school is emphatically failing in its duty of care for your son.

I'd go to the meeting as well, but I'd go well armed with photos of injuries, details of incidents and records of what the school's responses have been to each one.

I'd be finding another school as well - as others have said, ideally one he can start at before he has to spend summer stewing over the possible horrors of September. I am so sorry this is happening to you both.

For the record, we had similar incidents in Y8/9 with my son, but to their credit, the school handled it well and called the police in themselves over one incident.

Please don't ever send your son back there. Poor lad :(

Don't send him back.

Plus call the police. Your son was assaulted resulting in injury. It isn't being dealt with because your DS swore. Unacceptable. Therefore let the authorities who are meant to deal with it do so.

Send an email to school, copy in la.

Dear HT,

After reporting the following events of bullying and no resolution being found I'm withdrawing DS from school to safeguard him ohysically and his wellbeing.

On X date ....

As this is assault resulting in injury I have reported to the police who will be in contact with you in due course.

Signed ..........

Keep it factual and to the point. Use bullets if needs be. Do not ask for a resolution or mention how unfair ounishment was. Simply state that yiur DS was assaulted and swore which resulted in him having a punishment. Things look far better and the guilty party looks far more unreasonable and unprofessional if you give them the rope and let them hang themselves.

Good luck

Definitely make a HUGE complaint. They are completely negligent.
Id also consider the police for the assault by year 11s.
Do your local authority have an parent supporters? In ours we have partnership for parents and they come to meetings etc.

On another note. My son was bullied in a very similar way to yours.
The school were actually pretty good but as it was half the class it was hard to stop it.
I actually went to the house of the ringleaders which helped a bit.
As he got older he grew very tall and was good at marshal arts where his teacher also helped to build his confidence.
He is now 30 and a handsome and popular guy. He still remembers tha bullying and its effects.
If your boy woukd like to exchange a few e mails with him he'd be happy to in sure.

Finally. I am a social worker and you are absolutely right to withdraw him and complain. Absolutely right.

I was bullied through school and nothing was ever done. My parents told me they'd been bullied and it was just something you had to get through. I was still dealing with it at 35 and have never had a close relationship with my parents. Take your child out now, if you don't protect him who will?

I am so sorry, what a nightmare. I have a DS the same year who was bullied. The school took it seriously, worked hard to resolve the situation and a class move sorted before Christmas abd he is much happier. Your DS's situation is totally in a different league.

If all the other local schools are full this won't be easy but you can do this. Think paper trail, do everything in writing. Any emails or phone calls follow up with a summary in email.

First thING to do is report the assault to the police .i've never said that on here before but you in this case I would. Write a letter to the school outlining each incident as you have here, including the police reference number.

State that the school have failed in their duty of care to your son and you consider this to be a serious safeguarding failure. You will be removing your son and home educating him for his own safety until a place at an alternative school can be found.

Send a copy to anyone you can think of eg. He's of Governors, Admissions at LEA, Educational Welfare Officer, GP and local MP.

Start visiting the local schools you think are a possibility and take your time to decide which you feel will be right for him. Then apply . If there isn't space you have the right to go to appeal. This is then where your paper trail comes in.

I'm assuming there won't be spaces in the other local schools. If there are it becomes easier but I would definitely make a formal complaint to the Head of Governors at the very least.

So sorry you're both going through this. Both mine have been bullied and have come out the other side . He will be ok but this is the time to channel your inner lioness and go into battle for him.

Keep posting, MN can support you sort this

Oh gosh, take him out.

That made me feel slightly ill to read. Poor, poor boy

Oh my goodness. If you are 100% that your sons account of these events is true (I'm sure you are) then I would be taking him out immediately.

Having no school is better than this school.

Write a letter of complaint to the chair of governors and remove him.
My child was bullied and the school was fantastic. It doesn't have to be like this. If they are unwilling to take this seriously you need to move hom to a different school.

How awful. Don't send him back, but do write to the head, the LA, the chair of governors and Ofsted explaining why. I'd also report to the police.
The bullying will never get better in a school where the staff seem to be in cahoots to pretend its not happening.

Like many other posters my ds was bullied. I remember a teacher telling me about a conversation he'd had with my ds relating to the bullying where my ds had used the phrase 'fucking bullshit.' I was bracing myself for the teacher to say that there was no excuse for this language but the teacher didn't bat an eyelid about it. The bullying was sorted.
Move your child today and best wishes for his future.

I am so sorry that you and your dc have to deal with this crap. I removed my dd from primary school for a lot less. As many others have said I wished I had done it sooner as the experience was destroying dd piece by piece. For your boys sake take him out of school advise the school why and then find him another school. Give him time to get his head in a better place. Wishing you both happier times

Take him out and ring the police , it is assault if you are 12 , 22 , 32 etc , the bullies need this drumming into them , they are not above the law , they are above the age of criminal responsibility and it doesnt matter how gifted and talented at sport they are , although it makes you wonder what sort of team players they are , they are not above the law , ever !

Oh your poor DS some brilliant points/plans already made, just wanted to wish you both well

I think it's wrong that in these situations the bullied child should have to be withdrawn from school when he's done nothing wrong, until action has been taken against the bullies. I would be arguing that while bullying is under investigation the bullied child should be entitled to a 1-2-1 chaperone who will shadow them from a polite distance but be on hand constantly for their own safety when going from lesson to lesson, lunchtimes to and from school etc., so the bullies cannot approach him without an adult witness present. During lessons he should always be able to sit at the front near the teacher and far away from the boys in question at all times, or the bullies should be put near the teacher and away from the boy.

He has a right to his education and should not be unable to access it though fear for his safety. Other kids in the school will have 1-2-1s with them for behavioural or educational reasons so I can't see what grounds they would have to refused this, if you took it to appeal with the LEA.

If you have reported the bullying and it's on record but nothing has been done then it is absolutely unacceptable that they have chosen to punish your son when all he as done is react emotionally to his distress. Of course he shouldn't swear in front of staff, but they should be capable of knowing when to exercise some discretion and apply some compassion in situations like this.

I'd be looking to move him, but it might take a while to find a place in a school that isn't shit, so in the meantime take this as far as you can with the governors and anyone who will listen. You need a meeting with the head of the school and for the head of year and the TA to be present to say you thought they both handled it badly. Find out when the next OFSTED is due, if it's soon there will be questionnaires going out including opinions on how they handle bullying, so tell the head you will be letting rip on that score and providing copies of emails that follow up on your meetings. Make sure you do this after every phone call or face to face meeting with as much detail as you can remember about what was discussed and how the head/governors responded. Send it to them as soon as possible after the meeting so they know it's documented and accurate. Personally I would covertly record the meetings and calls as well.

If it's possible to lodge a complaint to OFSTED outside of inspection times then tell the head that you will do so.

Also tell the head to inform the boys' parents that if they lay a finger on your son again you will involve the police, and alert the local press(anonymously) that the school is failing in its duty to deal with bullying and choosing to punish the victims instead.

And give your son some sort of covert recording/filming device to keep on him, like a dictaphone that will record for half an hour at a time or whatever, so he can reset it as necessary, whenever he fears he might be ambushed. Or tell him to keep phone in his shirt pocket and have it on permanent record mode when he is in vulnerable situations with no staff in earshot.

I agree - move him. Write a letter to the head, governors & LEA explaining why. If you can, point out where they've failed to follow their anti-bullying policy.

I really feel for your son. My 10 yr old was bullied recently, though not to this extent, & it affected him.

When your ds is settled in another school and is feeling better, look into a day run by Kidscape - it's called Zap. It gives children strategies on how to deal with bullies. My ds did it & it really boosted his confidence again.