Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

I dealt with something similar, Hexor, and I don't think hitting back is a good idea in this day and age. In the 80s, it was definitely the way to go, but now its likely to get the victim into more trouble than the bully, thanks to the perverse logic that says that the bully is hard to stop but the victim is behaving out of character so is more likely to respond to the punishment.

I think in adult life, standing up to bullies is the only way. however, in school it isn't viable any longer.

In CharlieJamie's case, i can't see anything for it but to move school. The school have had every chance to try to address the issue and they haven't. So, CharlieJamie can move on without ever wondering if she should have given them another chance.

That art work is very, very good!

He will have the last laugh in life. He'll be a grown man with empathy for others, the knowledge that he can overcome bad times, and will truly appreciate good friends. Best of luck to him!

Hexor fuck off with your victim blaming.
Bullies get away with it because they are told its ok, usually by an authority figure who could step in and stop it before it really gets started.
Your attitude a is huge part of the problem.

they will stop when they get bored, find a new person to pick on

That's nice - pass the buck!

Bullies are they way they are because it makes them feel good - they don't need a reason -

Your school sounds particularly bad at dealing with this - they should be calling the police - or advising you too.

Any decent school has community officers to act as a prevention (ie make sure the bullies don't end up on the wrong side of the law later in life) this school is failing them as much as the victims -

Bullies get away with it because.

a. the school is more concerned about its public image than kids welfare.
b. the school is more worried about Ofsted.
c. and in some cases because some teachers and heads are too fucking bone idle!

You could add -

Unless you've been there you can't understand the damage it causes - not physical or metal - but to the family it affects everyone -

I would like every school to have by law a fully trained member of staff who understands what it's like for a child and their family to be a victim - someone who collates every incident - every single one - on writing along with action outcome and follow up

I would like to see every child accused of bullying reported to their family - with follow up

It's not OK to pay lip service to this - it's no OK to gloss over it and watch bullies bricks more powerful -

Um half your son is beginning to feel better - it's a long road to recovery

Have to say I agree hexor, minimising and victim blaming let alone hoping the bullies pick on someone else is not on.

Art work - fabulouos.

Hexor viewpoints - not so much!

I am not sure where your kids go to school, Hexor , but many people do not experience what the OP has described and to suggest so is minimizing it.

It's not just apart of growing up. And it should not be considered as such.

I am very sad to hear you say "Bullying will happen at all schools, you just need to tell your son to fight back, they will stop when they get bored, find a new person to pick on or when your son fights back and hurts them." because I don't think other countries have the same issues with bullying that we do. As a nation we need to stand up and say this is not normal nor is it acceptable.

I am more than happy for my kids to fight back if attacked and more than happy to face the consequences of genuine self defense but often it is not a 'fair fight' it is one bigger child to a smaller one, or two bigger children or three.... fighting back only works if you can do some damage and escape.

So sometimes if you are being asked to hand over lunch money or whatever then just handing it over may be the safest thing to do. But if you are being attacked you will need to find the best way to escape.

What you expect when you do escape is that what has happened will be taken seriously and attackers brought to justice. Whenever this does not happen it emboldens the bullies and adds to a general break down of order. That shit hole school needs to be prepared. We now live in a society where students and even teachers have been stabbed, some have died.

Remember the Op's post "he was being prodded with scissors, etc."

I was told when I did first aid training that when there is a stabbing there are two shocked people, the victim and the perpetrator, the perpetrator doesn't always realize how easy it is to stab someone with a sharp object. They maybe don;t realize just how easily the blade will go in.

Sorry OP, don't mean to upset you, but when anyone attempts to minimize what happened, don't let them. Your son will probably do best if he can process what happened and move on without minimizing it.

When I did first aid, we learnt how to save someone's life. It is very empowering. I wonder if schools spent more time teaching the valuable life skills whether it might change how children think about some things. Might it be harder to poke someone with scissors when you have spent a morning feeling really elated that you could save a life! Instead of all the relentless fucking qualifications drive, maybe we would churn out better people!

In case anyone is tempted to think school is just school, imagine if this was work life.

The phrase at the end is something like "A day of work doesn't resemble this. And a day at school?"

OP your son's art is incredible, sadly

Re ...how do I go about art therapy? What does it involve? I don't know. I guess you would need to explore this local to you. Google around, ask a local therapist or counselor if they could recommend someone. Your local hospital may be a place to start.

This may be available on the NHS or you may need to pay.

If you do speak to your local MP or any other body about this you could tie in your complaint with requests for assistance with the fall out from what happened. EG

oopse, posted too soon....

www.baat.org/

www.baat.org/About-BAAT/Find-an-Art-Therapist

www.thearttherapyagency.co.uk/

I found these with Google, I cannot recommend them.

Google is magic! So is praise, make sure you praise him lots of genuine things, CharlieJamie.

I hate it being made to seem like it's normal he'd come home with at least one bruise every day... I remember during contact rugby, one of them pushed him to the floor and punched him in the side. He didn't even have the ball. The PE teacher congratulated him on an excellent tackle and told my son to get up and try and at least play to his standard. I remember showing the PE teacher this picture and him saying "well, it's a rough sport". That teacher is vile.

Thank you for the links!

A sadistic PE teacher Well who woulda thunk it?

Teachers should take violent behavior seriously. They might be next, who knows. Not saying I want them to be next, I am saying that when you praise or excuse violence you create the environment for it to grow!

Bullying is NOT part of life I was never bullied I was lucky (and a bolshy wee madam)

Sadly it does happen in other countries, but some other countries handle it better.

OP the art work is amazing! Definitely something to mention to the private schools. Ask about any 13+ scholarship programmes & think about assembling a portfolio of his work.

I am sorry he has had to face that for 7 months. I can see why you wouldn't want to get the press involved but don't hold back as I highly doubt your son is the only one who is suffering.

There's a phrase 'fish rots from the head' which means if something stinks look to the top. Following your encounters with the head that seems true.

Also have you thought about getting an online portfolio for your sons artwork even if it s just for backup. It's gorgeous. Maybe he could do a card for his art teacher?

Just ring your ds in as sick with MH difficulties - get GP to back it up.
That will have far more affect on school than de regging him - plus zero affect on you or yiur DS as you still aren't in that environment.

I'd send an email to office to state "after consultation with GP DS has been signed off school doe X number of days due to MH difficulties considered to be a direct result of the bullying"

Then leave it. They can't force a sick child into school and you can just forward the email to attendence officer if they ring again with

"Thankyou for yiur phonecall on X date where you stated my DS must attend school. As you can see my DS is unwell and has been signed off."

Your DS is an amazing artist. I like the idea of scholoarships to private school.

Op your sons art is amazing. Hes truly talented.

Wow, thanks all! I must say, I love it too

This is my fave, I think!

Definitely look for a school with a strong art department. He's clearly a talented boy who will thrive in the right environment.

Blimey, his artwork is really good! His use of colour is great (lots of people struggle with skin tones), and faces are some of the trickiest things to get looking good.

I really feel for him - I was a timid, arty and academic child, and I suffered from bullying, but nowhere to the degree of your son. It's not acceptable, and should never be seen as just being an inevitable part of school. The bullies need to be dealt with, so that kids feel safe in school, so that the bullies don't 'move on to another target', and so they don't grow into asshole adults. The school ignoring it doesn't do anybody any favours.

I hope you've contacted the police - the school are allowing assaults to take place.

Your son's art work is amazing. I would get him to research amateur art exhibitions. Prepare some pieces over the summer and invite his art teacher to come and view his work in an exhibition. Good luck finding a new school.