Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

Hi Var

He was meant to be back in school after the reintegration meeting yesterday - they knew that he wouldn't be back that day (I told them)!

However, I did get a phone call asking where he was and I explained to the rude receptionist that he won't be back and why. I later got a call from the attendance officer who told me that he has to. I said he isn't and he won't. I later got a call from his Head of Year who told me that I'm being 'very silly'. I am deregistering him, but I just need to print of that form... The school said they will be on my back with his attendance until that is official. I'm mind boggled that they are so interested in all that, but not the way my son has been treated? Sickening.

No school has got back to my email yet, but I have only emailed a couple. I need to send a few to state schools (the academies) and will do that tonight/tomorrow morning.

Or I will phone, but I hate talking to the receptionists, they always refuse to put me through to anyone who can actually help! I'm only talking about my own experiences.

My son is doing good today, he has relaxed so much, he hasn't had any physical signs of stress (the vomiting, etc.) since we left that day! So that's so nice. He has smiled and laughed, something he hasn't done in months and played with his brother outside, instead of being cooped up in his room - such a change already! I have been looking at renting a horse (great idea!) but can't find anywhere? he has also asked if he could maybe join the army cadets (just came out of no where, which is incredible.) so I need to look into that. I need to plan a good few days out, to make sure he stays in with society. So the science museum/history museum/zoo - I think these will be great for learning to. If a school can get him a place, that's great. However, if we have to wait until September, I think I'm warming to HE

He is shy, so he is worried about a new school, but he loves a lot of stuff, like sports, etc. so I'm sure he'll find friends, as he can join clubs and sports teams too (which is what he did at Primary). However, at his current school they didn't so many clubs, so it was hard. Also, I think Year 7 is such a tough year, as everyone sticks to their Primary friends - hopefully, they'll just accept him at a new school.

Thank you for asking!

That school are a bunch of cunts. THEY are bullying you and your DS just as much as those lads were bullying your DS.

Im absolutely furious just reading this.

More arse covering from the school! Attendance problems and deregistration (particularly when it's them that's cocked up!) is a black mark for them!

Re attendance officer are they employed by lea? If so I'd suggest a call to lea to get him off your back. Plus several of us have said it'd be a good idea to tell them what the school have done anyway!

Report school, remove DC and home school if you can't find a suitable school immediately .
Appalling behaviour on the part of the school. Haven't read the entire thread.
Is it a private school or one that has recently become a free school by any chance?

God that school is utterly despicable, never mind the little shits who made your ds's life a misery. Well done you for taking this step.

Attendance officer is wrong he doesn't have to attend school. He does have to receive an education or else home educating would be illegal. In addition I've just looked up attendance officer job description, they're supposed to work WITH schools and families and identify and help to resolve issues affecting attendance so they damn well shouldn't be only supporting the school! Depending on exactly what they said, I'd be considering a complaint about them too!

As for the school being 'on your back' given their incompetence how DARE they!

In your position and I can of course only say what I'd do, I'd be saying something along the lines of 'bring it on! I would LOVE to have it on public legal record your failing, negligent, incompetent behaviour!'

I would be tempted to fight fire with fire... email only and make sure you make a complaint to the governors and ofsted. It's contemptable. Am so cross for you... if you want a hand with the ofsted stuff pm me..

Agree with email only... Hopefully they'll say in them something just as incompetent and you'll have a record of it!

Just reading this now...as others have said you need to create a paper trail. If you haven't already, request the Anti Bullying Policy, do so via email if possible. I also agree that you create a letter listing the incidents and how they were dealt with, if possible highlight the negative impact this then had for your son. The letter needs questions, asking them to respond rather than just informing the HT. This way they have to provide evidence to show how they dealt with the incidents, specifically in accordance with their own bullying policy.

Do you have notes from the reintegration meeting? Who was in attendance?

Your son's non-attendance is a ballache for them, don't let them scaremonger considering the circumstances.

Governors and OFSTED won't do anything, and if you remove your child from the school you cannot make a complaint. That's how it works. It worries me that people think they have all these options open to them - and if its an academy you have little or no chance of bringing a complaint.

I'm so sorry your poor boy has been through this, you have done absolutely the right thing and well done for doing it.

Just sort him out with a new school as and when you can. In the meantime, if you get any aggro from local authority put him down for home schooling.

Move him , I was bullied badly at school and it stays with you . Massive hugs to u and your boy x

Hi op. I am a tutor and have worked a lot with students of your son's age. If you what to chat through different ways your son could study at home while you look into all the longer term options, then feel free to pm me. I am so glad he is feeling more relaxed already.

Thank you all so much! I will be PMing I just need to wait until I'm on my computer!

Hi again op, when my ds moved schools I was petrified of it happening again, previous school was in a nicer area with supposedly " nice kids " whatever that means
I have never had reason to complain to the school, they're amazing and have done everything they can to help him settle, it's like he's always been there!
Please look at schools with a strong pastoral focus, ds new school has a dedicated pastoral centre and it means a lot that the staff there are purely there to make sure all the dc are safe and happy.
I used to be so proud to say that ds went to X school and now I would be ashamed.
Also don't be swayed by threats from the school, one of mine was via text! They're empty threats and you're well within your rights to remove ds for his own safety as the school have failed him.
He will be ok, my ds is much stronger now due to all he has been through :)

Hi op, I've only just read this and it broke my heart. How awful for your son to have to put up with this. I'm so glad you've taken him out of the school. What a bunch of incompetent wankers.
I hope you find a school good enough for him and things work out well. Stay strong.

CharlieJamie I think the fact that your DS is used to having friends etc is a massive bonus in the path to putting this situation behind you. Given a little time, and a little luck, he'll soon have new friends and this will all seem nothign more than a blip.

On the other hand, the bullies, who are only children too, are the real losers - ugly personalities unchecked by the incompetent, irresponsible adults who are supposed to be guiding them into being decent human beings. They don't really have much hope for a bright future. (Not that you should feel sorry for them.)

The school - bleuch - they are beneath contempt. Send them the form and tell them you'll only speak to the head next time they call, as that conversation is way overdue...!

I am a little gutted to be leaving his art teacher - she was fab. A really lovely lady, I don't know what she's doing in that school, I really don't.

She has emailed me today to ask about DS. He is pretty upset to have just left without saying bye. Bit of a cheek to go in to just say bye with him isn't it?

I think it would be asking for trouble, tbh.

It would be fine if you could only see the art teacher, but suppose the HoY decides to speak to DS? Or they make a fuss about you being the school without permission etc?

Also, the art teacher has to face her colleagues and SLT when your visit is over and its unfair to ask her to show whose side she is on.

Ask DS to write her a note / card thanking her and saying goodbye instead.

how much does your Ds know about your personal feelings about the school? If it were me, i;d be tempted to say that sometimes adults don't do what they should, they don't try hard enough. This happened with his HOY and the PE teacher but it doesn't make them bad people. However., Ds has been let down and he deserves better, so he is going to get a fresh start etc., etc.

sorry - last post! I say this because I am thinking your Ds has been through a stressful time (and incredibly stressful time). he needs to know that you are on his side, that its going to be ok. What he doesn't need is the stress of seeing you being threatened by the HoY because he needs to believe that you are strong and she can't beat you.

(or at least, that's what i think)

annielouise so sorry for your child's experiences at school.

Var re 2This happened with his HOY and the PE teacher but it doesn't make them bad people." It means they did bad things, as did the bullies. I don;t have any sympathy for them but I do feel for children to be able to move on fully they may need to let go of the anger, but that will take time.

I agree that going to school to say goodbye would be a bad idea for art teacher. A card posted to the school for teacher would be best, maybe.

As your son likes art, CharlieJamie please think about art therapy and if that may help him. I am a bit therapy fan!

Bless him.

This sounds awful but many people experience it, honestly it's just apart of growing up. People will be mean as children and act like complete brats for attention off their "friends" which they most likely won't see after school.
I would tell your child to stand up for himself and if they hit him tell him to hit back twice as hard, the school won't do anything because they don't care, it's not enough to ruin their reputation as a school.
Bullying will happen at all schools, you just need to tell your son to fight back, they will stop when they get bored, find a new person to pick on or when your son fights back and hurts them.
The kids bullying your son will grow up to be nothing, they will soon realise that

Yeah, thought it would be a bad idea! Thanks for the advice.

Yes, he loves art, he's Gifted & Talented in it, I've added a couple of his best bits very proud mummy

Also, how do I go about art therapy? What does it involve? Sounds fab for him.

Hexor it definitely isn't part of growing up. My son is also not going to be hitting anyone back twice as hard, he is a very shy little boy and definitely couldn't hit 5 year 11s, he's 4 ft 9... I wouldn't have been mad if he had hit them, but there are other ways of resolving things. That's school is no good for him.

Way to minimise it Hexor And its fucking obvious to me as it will be to others on this thread (except for you obvs) that if he did hit back HE would be the one to be blamed.

You are victim blaming.

Are you the mum of one of those who has been bullying him by any chance or one of the sociopathic teachers from that shithole of a school?

Would you say the same if it was a workplace. Fucks sake!