Bullying: should I just take him out of school? Please help - desperate for advice!

[CharlieJamie]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post (I found this website very recently!)

My son is 12 (Yr 7) and is struggling a lot. He was quite popular at Primary School - lots of friends, etc. but still isn't fitting in at Secondary :(

I thought he would, but it was just taking some time. However, since October, he has really started to hate school. He is really shy... Some boys started laughing at him, saying that he was a loser, etc. because he had no friends. My son began to go to the library (during break/lunch) and made a few friends in there - he began to like school more. However, then lessons became really hard - some boys began to break his pens/pencils/ruler; they even stole his phone and smashed the screen. I spoke to his Form Tutor (the 1st point of contact) who told me that he couldn't do anything, due to him not being allowed to carry a phone. I was a little surprised, but decided to leave it, hoping that it had been noted.

Loads of incidents began to happen - his pants were being pulled down; he was being pushed; he was being prodded with scissors, etc.

I spoke to his Form Tutor again - he said that I needed to write the incidents down... I then gave the notes to his Head of Year; she made my son write a statement. The boys denied doing any of it (obviously) and she said that she'll keep an eye out.

Just before a PE lesson, my son spoke to his PE teacher and said that he was too scared to get changed in the normal changing room. The teacher called the bullies out and said "you promise you won't scare (son's name), as he thinks you will?" which was an awful way to handle it! They then kept tripping him up, throughout the lesson, resulting in my son needing an X-Ray. I went to his Head of Year again, who told my son to write another statement - the boys denied it again... She said she'll keep an eye out. I told her that she hadn't been, or that she's trying to and it isn't working and I asked what else could be done. She said that nothing can be done, at the moment, due to her not knowing who is telling the truth. The PE teacher denied ever seeing the boys tripping him up, which I struggle to believe, due to him needing an X-Ray on his wrist - after all, the boys are Gifted & Talented for PE, so maybe he doesn't want them to get into trouble, who knows?

Anyway, his Head of Year put they all on report, including my son, so she can see what their teachers say. That day, my son was locked in a cupboard; punched in the stomach and told to kill himself - nothing was ever noted on these reports, due to them happening between lesson changes.

My little boy began getting an upset stomach/vomiting - his doctor said it was due to fear/nerves. I took the doctor's note into school - his Head of Year began questioning my son about home life and asking if he is making the stuff up, due to it really being something else. I was fuming. I got the Deputy Head involved (the Head was just too busy for bullying incidents - their words) and she said that they will keep an eye on the situation - she also spoke to the bullies.

That lunch time, when my son was on the way to the library, 5 children from Yr 11 (who are relatives of the bullies in my son's year) dragged him to the back of the library - stole his money/threw him to the ground/hit him in the face... My son came out from the back of the library, with a bleeding nose, a TA came over to him - he shouted words along the line of "I'm so fucking done - why are none of you helping me?"

She immediately took him to Head of Years' and said that he needs to be kept in isolation for the rest of the afternoon, due to him swearing. He went to talk to his Head of Year to explain, which she then replied "I'm not willing to listen, if you're not willing to respect staff..."

He broke down in tears and begged to call me, they refused. He walked out of the isolation room (which means automatic suspension)... I came and collected him - he threw himself into my arms, in absolute tears. The Head said "I'll deal with you on Thursday..." and we left. I'm just lost. My son is lost - he is depressed/suffering from constant upset stomach, etc. due to the constant fear. I have tried to cooperate with the school. My son has tried to take their word for it; he has faced school for 7 months, being bullied. Yes, he swore, it wasn't right, I know, but I didn't punish him, I'm okay with you thinking that I should, but I physically can't - my son is absolutely broken.

Please help, what would you do? :(

The OP is one of the most heartbreaking posts ive ever seen on here. I went through similar problems back in the 80s. And the school cared more about the fact that i didnt have the correct PE uniform.

You are a great mum OP That school and those teachers are fucking disgusting.

Are you going to contact the police. i may have missed some of this thread because #talktalk are usesless

This really upset me OP, feel so much for you and your DS.
My DS is same age and recently got kicked about by two of his oldest friends!
Thankfully the school were fantastic and called the boys in, made them apologise, called their parents and told them I would be well within my rights to contact the police. They also gave me a direct email/telephone for head of year in case anything further happened. Thankfully it stopped there.
I cannot believe how badly the school dealt with it, big complaint needed.
I do hope you and your DS are OK.

Op I've read the full thread.
You sound great and your son is lucky to have you. You've done the right thing.

Interhigh is great - I thoroughly recommend it. I would try him at a different school first, though, if he was enjoying school before the bullying. Whatever you decide to do, please don't send him back to that shithole for even one more day.

CharlieJamie hi, just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing mum.

Can you take some advice on the best way to play the reintegration into new school thing?

Is it better for him to start a new school as soon as possible or can you home school until September and start a new school in a new school year?

I don't know either way.

My gut feeling is, if he is raw from these appalling experiences then some time building up all kinds of confidence and skills could help. Whether you can do this, whether you have time, work or not, could employ some home tutors etc or whatever I am not sure.

If he would just spend the time at home and not make any new friends, skills, whatever it may not be great. My friend home schools her boys and has tapped into the home school network. They go out to adventure playgrounds and meet up with other home-schoolers. The benefit from friends unconnected to any specific school is the ability to build friendships etc and if things go well they might be friends for life, unconnected to which school he goes to, and if not, if it goes wrong, then it doesn't affect the general dynamics at a specific school.

Have you raised it with the governors and ofsted? Taking your son out of school is an excellent move. To stop it happening to other children, I would go to the governors - it would be difficult for them to ignore (I speak as a governor).

OP well done for being so brave and supporting your son through this. You both need to take time out to deal with this and get the strength to move forward. Your work should understand, otherwise sign yourself off sick. It's heartbreaking and I am just astounded at their response. There is no way he can return, you will have absolutely no trust or confidence in them. I too would write to the governors and LEA and would involve the police soonest, a delay might not be helpful up. I would look at small private schools who will support and nurture him. Wishing you and your son the best of luck and hopefully this time next year he will be a very different boy 💐

I used to be a governor, and I agree with Believeitornot that you absolutely must contact the chair of governors, ofsted and the local authority.

Your work should understand, otherwise sign yourself off sick.

That's very bad advice.

OP I'm very sorry for you and your son, the whole situation seems horrible. But whatever you do, don't lie to work about being sick when you are not - that would just add another problem in the picture. Better to take unpaid leave if necessary.

This is unreal! It sounds like something from a soap or one of those stupid tv dramas set in schools.

Please please go to the governors and Ofsted, this absolutely must be reported to them. Your priority is obviously your ds but there are probably other children suffering too and this school need a jolt to make them step up.

There seems to be a pervasive victim blaming culture in schools. Anyone remember bullied kid Jac being sent to anger management on Educating Yorkshire?

I am almost speechless!!

Ofsted absolutely would be interested in a school that views mental illness as "attention seeking"

Arseholes! Agree with not going to press for your sons sake but as I said and pps have said, governors and lea! Get as much in writing as possible (give em enough rope...)

Yes I missed the forces ref (doh) ssafa could help too plus you'd likely be entitled to private school funding help.

YY Baconymum Victim blaming and disabilist to boot.

Just absolutely atrocious, sadly not to the point of disbelief, ive several friends who are teachers and they came across such issues when they were on training placements, luckily at lovely schools now.

Apparently Ofsted are taking a strong stance just now with 'no place for bullying' and school ratings are affected by their handling (or not!) Of it!

OP, I am so impressed and moved by you. You are a lovely and brilliant mum. Your DS will move on from this, it's great that you are so supportive of him.

His school sounds just like my secondary. I didn't have a bad time there (comparatively, though it was grim in many ways and constant low level bullying was ubiquitous), but my brother and also DH and DBIL (who I didn't know at the time), had a dreadful time.

The way that school dealt with bullying was to victim blame, or to simply ignore the bullying/complaints. In fact, they seemed to pride themselves on listening to 'both sides of the story' etc, in other words, they didn't believe bullying existed. They assumed that in every case it was a 2-way thing. The head was always interested in the bullies tbh, seeing them as interesting and trying to find ways to express themselves. Dreadful, dreadful place.

And yet, it had (and still has) a good reputation. In fact the reputation was/is that it's not brilliant academically, but it's 'welcoming' and 'caring'. Makes me so angry many years on.

You have done such a good thing by taking your son seriously and by seeing the truth. I wish you and you brave and courageous DS so much luck and more happiness in the future.

Someone cannot set off to work knowing during their working day they will be assaulted, humiliated, hurt and unsupported. The same goes for a child going to school. I'd be contacting OFSTED regarding safeguarding.

Well done op, youve absolutely done the best thing.

It took me a while to remove my daughter when she was bullied from age 5 till nearly 7 the school made good responses sometimes but never actually did a thing and her being high functuoning autistic complicated things. I never let her go back in the oct half term after 6 weeks where she smelt so bad at hometime as the teacher wouldnt let her go toilet when asked and she would wet herself adding to another thing for the kids to be mean about. I went into school daily about the toilet issue and the scapegoating, the fact she has high functuoning autism and had a urine infection did not change the teacher decision on saying no to going toilet. She was 6 years old and in the end she drew a pictures of a dead girls and wanted to die.

I was put in contact with camh however they never blamed the school as years later i read in a report they had labelled that she had asd and parenting issues and no mention of her treatment at school.

I blame myself as she still mentions it ten years on and it coloured her school experience, we have home educated on and off since and she went back to school for a period but had a few problems then i home educated her again when her school closed and in the last two years shes been to school part time and part time home educated to get some gcses, but she still blames herself and it colours everything from attending a club to being able to go out as she things people even now will pick on her.

Becsuse of this and the autism i walked her to school till the month before her 16th bday. Now 17 snd this sept she will go to college with support which has taken a year to get into place. She been happy to be at home full time since gcses ended last summer as used to home ed and i home ed a 6 yr old dd who has never been to school.

I mention all this as your looking for a new school but please dont be afraid to pull him out at the first sign that anthing like bullying is happenning to him as he will be more sensitive to it after all he has been through and it will affect him more.

Absolutely right for you to remove him.

Sensitive to it isnt exactly what i mean but cant think of the term sorry, but it will affect him more any future problems if there are any because of what he has already been through.

OP. Personally, these kids are at the age of criminal responsibility now and I'd be getting the Police involved now if this were me as there has clearly been some Aasaults that have been ignored by the school. See how serious the school would take it once they have the Police explaining to them!
But yes, do take him out of School. I know it's hard and you don't know if it's going to be for the better or not, but there's only one way to find out.

I haven't had time to RTFT but if you need help/advice on removing him without him being marked as 'absent' and risking a visit from the Child Missing Education officer feel free to pm me.

Reply to Italiangreyhound - I had the screen shots - I managed to print them with much difficulty - showing the boys' names on a FB page. I was told by a deputy regarding one of the boys "well his older brother says he'd never do that", which says it all - i.e. he was not interested in finding out the truth. They did not want to look into it. They wanted to put the blame for all incidents squarely on my DS for reacting, or say it was six of one, half dozen of the other. It wasn't. Yes, my son was reacting, as the OP's son is, but it was under extreme provocation on numerous incidents from numerous people. One lesson 6 of them ganged up on him in the class room in front of a supply teacher - throwing things at him etc, following him around the room, taunting him while the supply was writing something on the board. He actually went to the supply who did nothing so my DS ended up punching 2 of them in the classroom! Fucking ridiculous.

One incident despite admitting groups of boys were forming and behaving badly they put my DS in a situation where no adult was present with these trouble-making groups! Again he had to physically defend himself against about 10. I wish I'd gone further but my view at that stage was they'll all stick together and close ranks including the governors. The school was useless. Same as the OP's.

Charlie, get him out of there. Do the follow ups though - governors, police, LEA etc. The school tried to make my DS and me believe he was the problem. He had anger issues etc. I told them repeatedly sort the trouble makers out he won't react! The proof of that is in 6 years since he's not reacted, and I'm not saying the school he went to after was perfect. It wasn't. There was the normal school kid arguments and stuff but it was normal stuff that he was fine with. What do they expect when there is extreme provocation? An adult would not have to put up with this shit at work. Can you imagine walking down the corridor at work to be pushed, kicked, called gay etc? You'd take the company to court for not looking after you, yet some kids have to put up with this on a daily basis, and it's brushed off by schools as low level bullying etc. That's what I was told once when DS was spat on - oh, it's low level.

I remember Jac, HelenaDove, and was completely against him having anger management from some probably untrained person at the school that could do more harm than good. Sort out the source of the problem - which so many schools don't want to do - and there would be no need for kids to react like that!

As flirty said he might be a bit sensitive to start with in the new place but the longer he gets under his belt of not experiencing any trouble he'll relax and his confidence will increase and he won't react in a knee-jerk way. That was my experience. I can, thankfully, confidently say he's enjoyed his school years (as much as you can anyway). Bullying is soul-destroying but thankfully your DS won't experience that much longer. I feel sorry for the kids that don't have parents able to do what you've done.

CharlieJamie - how is your DS today?

Is the school still expecting him to come back after the temporary exclusion?
Any joy with contacting other schools?