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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

391 replies

MrSnow · 03/05/2016 12:14

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

OP posts:
ChiRup · 03/05/2016 14:54

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ItWasNeverASkirt · 03/05/2016 14:55

Drop the payment if you need to, but if you can then pay more than you have to. £150 definitely isn't anything like half the cost of raising a child (even a 16 year old).

Remember that the payment may also mean something on an emotional/pyschological level to your son. Try to communicate to him that you're sorry your circumstances have changed and that you can't pay as much any more, but that you're glad to have been able to pay more than you had to over the years and that you care about him.

Don't ask, but give lots of notice of the fact that the payment is going to be reduced from X point in time. Maybe drop it by £25 per month at a time so they have time to get used to the loss of income? Most people would definitely notice the loss of £100-250 a month even on a reasonable salary.

I think that some of the language you used has hit a dud note on here, which is a shame because it speaks so well of you that you are asking for advice and considering this decision carefully. Do be careful about badmouthing your ex to your son, whatever the truth of the matter - she's still his mother. You will come off as the more grown up and mature person if you can stick to talking about you and him.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 14:56

Section 91.14 orders are not freely given out.

Bumblebee - we'll have to agree to disagree. Perhaps I'm not there yet - perhaps after a few more years of fighting for the rights of my stepchildren I'll agree with you. But right now, I can never agree that walking away from a child without putting up every last bit of fight that you have is the right thing to do.

Somerville · 03/05/2016 14:57

I didn't refer to your ex once. Your son is 16 so very soon he will be an adult who doesn't live with his mother and the two of you will have every opportunity to build a good relationship. The advice I gave was on that basis - it seems like a bad move to do something financial that will probably make your son feel even less like he matters to you, just before he becomes independent and his mother can't interfere.

ChiRup · 03/05/2016 14:57

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Fourormore · 03/05/2016 14:58

Disgusting attitude ChiRup.

ChiRup · 03/05/2016 14:59

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Original poster
MrSnow · 03/05/2016 14:59

So you quizzed the son, who you have had no hand in raising, on his mother's financial situation so you can reduce the little contribution you have in his life?

Quizzed him? he asked me what kind of car I have, so i told him, he then told me about his mum's car, he also told me they had two houses, I didn't quiz him. The two things aren't related in any way, stop being so nasty, hippo.

OP posts:
Griphook · 03/05/2016 15:00

Plenty of fathers are left with no option but to "abandon" their children. It is forced on us. That is the reality of being a man/father
And the op wants to further abandon his child by recducing his payments.,

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 15:00

Nonsense.

Original poster
MrSnow · 03/05/2016 15:01

have some of you people been drinking?

OP posts:
ChiRup · 03/05/2016 15:02

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Griphook · 03/05/2016 15:02

Plenty of women have used and will use men as sperm donators and couldn't give a future fig for the man's feelings should be more careful about where you leave it, or are they the female to sort out the contraception

ChiRup · 03/05/2016 15:04

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AugustaFinkNottle · 03/05/2016 15:05

No, not at all. The OPs posts show a lack of engagement and effort.

No, they don't. OP has, quite justifiably, declined to give us facts about anything other than what is directly relevant to his original post. There are loads of the usual suspects coming on here assuming on the basis of no evidence whatsoever that he didn't go to court, he's made no effort to see his son, and is an unfeeling monster. I for one congratulate him on refusing to play along.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 15:06

That is absolutely dreadful, ChiRup. I cannot agree with that view at all - it isn't remorseful child focused and therefore speaks volumes about your other efforts.

Believe me I know all about the ways in which the feminist underpinnings of the family court systems often put men at a disadvantage but that is not the way to go about it.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 15:07

Again that's your opinion Augusta. I'm not a usual suspect. As I've said repeatedly, my husband is very much in a similar situation. We don't have the details but we can piece bits together. I'm fairly sure the Op would have corrected us if he had tried the court route.

Somerville · 03/05/2016 15:09

Plenty of fathers are left with no option but to "abandon" their children. It is forced on us. That is the reality of being a man/father

That's ridiculous.

Nothing would stop me from being involved with my children's lives. Nothing.

People who are quibbling about how much money to pay the RP have not spent every penny they've got on contesting contact in court. I would. I'd also spend every spare moment on pursuing it. And I wouldn't shack up with someone else and have another child while I couldn't fulfil my responsibility (even though it would be through no fault of my own) to my first.

The only way a court would be able to stop me being in my children's lives, would be by putting me in prison.

PennyDreadfuI · 03/05/2016 15:10

Plenty of women have used and will use men as sperm donators and couldn't give a future fig for the man's feelings

If you were so worried about your sperm being 'used' in that way by nasty wimmin, perhaps you should've used a condom. But no, it's all the horrid lady's fault and you had nothing at all to do with it. Convenient that you 'forgot' about the fact that 'plenty of women... use men as sperm donators' when there was a shag on the cards. Seems to me that you weren't giving much of a fig for her future feelings either, tbh.

Some of your comments are verging on the misogynistic and frankly it's probably just as well someone who clearly has such a low opinion of women doesn't figure largely in his son's life. Especially as the woman he seems to have the lowest opinion of is the boy's mother, who has brought him up pretty much single-handed for sixteen years. And now has to watch on at the 'beautiful relationship' you have with your newer, favoured son.

Yes you should continue to pay what you're paying. It's the least you can do. Take comfort, if you like, in the fact that he'll be 18 soon and you won't need to bother then.

Ouriana · 03/05/2016 15:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhiWrites · 03/05/2016 15:12

"Perhaps men should be given equal rights when it comes to termination?"

Forced abortions? In 2016? Sorry ChiRup, women actually have rights now.

2016Hopeful · 03/05/2016 15:12

I don't know really, are you sure your ex can afford everything your son needs with reduced payments, he is entering an expensive time at the moment? He is 16 so surely you only have 2 more years left and then you can help your son directly with finances. I wouldn't want to rock the boat and also I would feel like I should be paying my ex a reasonable amount as she has taken the burden of most of the child rearing which will probably have affected her earning potential.

Pisssssedofff · 03/05/2016 15:15

Some men should come with a warning label attached to their foreheads. When you came in her that's when your rights to what happens next ended. I pray you never come into contact with any woman I know

Original poster
MrSnow · 03/05/2016 15:17

I for one congratulate him on refusing to play along.

Thanks, appreciate it.

OP posts:
Knotnora · 03/05/2016 15:19

DING DING DING DING DING

Another ex wife who is crazy, certifiable and utterly mad.

Are their any men left who think their exs are alright?

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