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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

391 replies

MrSnow · 03/05/2016 12:14

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

OP posts:
bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 10:19

I do think he wants to make contact but she can not be anywhere near us. It doesn't look like she has changed. He has 3 half sisters and 1 half baby brother. Maybe he is saving that paper work incase she is behind him spouting abuse.

gabbyevs · 04/05/2016 10:28

whats wrong with keeping evidence? some people on here are so high and mighty

Pisssssedofff · 04/05/2016 10:42

It's one thing to keep it, to show it to the kids is just wrong .... People change and grow up, to present "evidence" of what a tool somebody was years ago is wrong. Also the child's relationship with their parent is entirely different from that than a waring adult

ThreeMusketeers123 · 04/05/2016 10:46

My ex (my ex - due to Dom v) pays the bare minimum towards the care of our children. He chose not to see them nearly 5 years ago as would not accept Counselling or Supervised visits. He pays £360 p month for BOTH children - the min set by the CSA. He chose not to be a good dad and he has missed out on alot. YANBU to try to reach a compromise. Courts, Solicitors, CAFCASS are incredibly stressful so every case is different.

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 11:02

Pissssed off that is not up to me that is up to him and I think what she done goes past 2 waring adults. I did not say she had changed as a matter of fact looking at her facebook page she has gone back to her old ways.

unexpsoc · 04/05/2016 11:07

Pisssssedofff I think that is a really difficult one to call. I had a difficult time with my Ex, and always had a view of her. However, I chose not to tell my daughter what I thought of her. To give you an indication though my ex was completely unable to find any employment whatsoever for the 19 years I was paying child support, and found employment within 6 weeks of that maintenance no longer going directly to her.

I chose not to explain things to my daughter. Instead, when my daughter told her mum she was going to move out and was met with my ex screaming at her "it's alright for you, but how am I going to survive without your money coming in" she got a real shock and surprise. She still isn't over it.

I still don't know whether I would have been better off being honest with her and giving her a different perspective on her mam's behaviour. Sometimes being honest with your children is the best way forward.

Michellelovesizzy · 04/05/2016 11:08

I would just make the payments the csa tell you to make and wouldn't feel bad! The system is fair. You shouldn't feel bad I think dads take a lot of stick when families break up! A lot of weman cause problems in relationships between there kids and there fathers! You seem like a caring dad or you wouldn't be posting about this! I don't think you giving less money will make the situation with your son any worse!

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 11:15

When I had my first daughter he had no choice but to leave her for 6 weeks and she made sure he went down for 6 weeks. Years later its she told his brother I have grown up now and his son wants to see him. No appollogies for putting him away. Once bitten twice shy. She wanted to control his life because of how she felt. She had a tough upbringing but that does not give you the right to cause havoc in other peoples lives.

Pisssssedofff · 04/05/2016 11:22

unexpsoc - I honestly think that's the best and only way to deal with it. Let the kids find out for themselves and vote with the their feet

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/05/2016 11:24

How does someone who is not a judge send someone else to prison?

unexpsoc · 04/05/2016 11:27

NeedsAsockamnesty

Quite easily - magistrates (who are not judges) do it all the time, I believe.

greybead · 04/05/2016 11:27

Op I think you should continue paying the £400. You must see that £250 isn't going to go that far towards all the expenses that a 16yo comes with. A pair of adult men's shoes will eat up £50. A pair of trainers ditto. Suddenly £100 has vanished before he's even eaten anything or gone anywhere! A rucksack, a coat etc even just school essentials like that...nobody is going to be hoarding that money, it will need spending on him.

You don't have a good relationship with your ex and I think that trying to address a shortfall in your finances by getting £150 back out of this maintenance arrangement will backfire. When/if it comes to having any sort of relationship with him, you do not want a cut in maintenance thrown in your face. You only have two more years to go, I would continue paying the £400.

The CSA figure is a red herring. Think of the reality of how much children actually cost.

Fourormore · 04/05/2016 11:28

I can't imagine that they can, Needs, but in a family law case, again like the Rebecca Minnock example, the father would have had to apply for the mother's committal to prison. Perhaps that was what a PP meant?

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 11:29

You read between the lines then thats where she wanted him.

Pisssssedofff · 04/05/2016 11:30

Can you imagine that in years to come - I had mum sent to prison, what an arsehole you'd look in front of your kid

Fourormore · 04/05/2016 11:34

Well yes, that's why many men consider that court orders are pointless - because when you've got a mother that is continually refusing to comply, there's not much you can do about.
Thankfully, change of residence seems to be being used more often now.

Louisee82 · 04/05/2016 11:35

It's a sad situation & regardless of what has happened in the past try not to get into a "he said,she said" drama. How about speaking to your son & saying there's alot of water under the bridge but you'd like more contact, then it's up to him. How about paying the maintenance til he turns 16 then paying some into a savings account in his name so that he has some funds toward uni or something? Make sure he doesn't think you've just moved on wih your life wih a new child etc and aren't interested in him. The mobile phone suggestion is a good one. X

Pisssssedofff · 04/05/2016 11:37

I'm in the total opposite situation, is love him to have the kids more often he just refuses to get his act together so he can

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 11:45

Thats not my call its up to him how he wants to proceed with it. I hope it don't come to that. You can't hide the truth for the sake of not looking like an arsehol. He never brought him up so whats he got to lose. Obviously he will have a lot of questions that would need answering what do you do lie. He told me that if she came to our he would spit in her face.

chubbylover78 · 04/05/2016 11:53

The CSA have only ever been allowed to take 15% of your net pay so I don't know why they take 40% for a start! Your new calculation should be net pay minus 15% for the child living with you then 15%of what is left for the child that doesn't like with you. I have delt with the CSA since 1999 and they're not great. If you pay over and above what you legally have to, the CSA can take this into account if you tell them and can reduce your payments for you. If it's deemed that you have paid too much they can also reduce the resident parents payments. The CSA are being phased out so get them to make a new calculation on your now earnings and the fact you now have a child and only pay her what they state. You can of course give her extra money at your own discretion but in my experience they will keep wanting more and more until your bankrupt.

iMogster · 04/05/2016 12:24

cannotlogin The OP has not said he earns £60K. I think you are getting mixed up with another post about a Dad who earns £60K and gives his kids (via ex wife) £600 each.

OP I think you should try to keep paying as you are until he is 18. That's only 2 more years and then you don't have to pay anymore. She is paying everything else and looking after him.

wrcm · 04/05/2016 12:36

Just a thought here, when I was a teenager, I was more interested in playing with my friends than going to see/speaking to relatives.... Maybe it's just the fact is son is really busy with school/after school activities and his friends and not the fact he doesn't want to see/speak to his dad.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/05/2016 12:36

I agree with the person who said that the CSA amount is a red herring. The CSA amount is the minimum for which you are legally liable. It was never supposed to be a cap on what a decent parent should be paying, if their own finances allowed.

You have been paying £400 a month, so just under £100 a week. I can promise you that if your son was living with you his presence in your life would have cost a great deal more than that - space, clothes, food, travel, activities, phone, childcare when he was small, a million other things. You have been a father relatively cheaply.

To cut that down to ~£30 a week would, to my mind, be a mistake.

And what your ex earns or doesn't earn is also a red herring. You made a child together. You should both pay for his upkeep.

unexpsoc · 04/05/2016 12:39

"The CSA amount is the minimum for which you are legally liable."

No, the CSA amount is what the law says is a fair amount for you to pay. You might disagree with that, but you can't choose which bits of the law you agree with / disagree with. It is not a minimum.

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 12:41

Pissssed off your situation is completely different to my partners he wanted contact but she was to chaotic. I don't blame him for keeping his distance he really hates her she put him through hell. The father of your children should have more contact with your children and don't hide the fact that he is an arsehole. You don't want them to think its them its their fault which it isn't he just can't be bovered to see his children and you should tell them that. If you don't want to say that tell them he's sick and can't look after himself at least they will feel better about themselves. You can't escape playground talk with the other children when they talk about their daddies.