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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

391 replies

MrSnow · 03/05/2016 12:14

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

OP posts:
bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 21:09

That's why I sympathise with him there's a lot of angry women on here giving him a good beating.

Pisssssed off bless you.😊

TheUnsullied · 03/05/2016 21:16

Completely agree with the comments about condoms and where a man's choice ends...a pregnancy is a risk of having sex. We reduce that risk with contraception but we don't eliminate it.

And where I do believe that separated parents should each be making financial contributions towards their child's upbringing, I don't see it doing the child any good to force a father who actively doesn't want them to spend time with them after the pregnant woman goes against their wishes to terminate.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/05/2016 21:16

Mrs Gosling, yes he did. When asked if his son had a poor view of him, he casually asserted that it "can't be good". But his only response to this was to say he might be willing to give his son his own version if events (how noble!) when he was old enough to understand. (Presumably if the son doesn't accept it, it's only because he's incapable of understanding.) Compare this passive, dismissive disinterest with the " amazing boy" born to the mother OP likes.

OP started by blaming the ex entirely for his absence from his child's life, but then went on to make comments about being used as a sperm donor (how?) that suggest a slightly more nuanced situation than simply a mad harpy mother. She may have been obstructive but OP is clearly not unduly bothered by this.

He's putting a lot of effort into locking down the money though.

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 21:23

Sheba are you saying he doesn't care about his son who he talked to regularly and pays maintenance to. If his son hates him why would he talk to him.

I think what he is saying is that by talking to his mother about money she may cause an argument and an atmosphere that he doesn't want his son to feel. Why does that sound bad.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 21:24

Talked to.
Why did it stop?
Why would you stop talking to your son?

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 21:26

He didn't say it did stop.

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 21:28

My son is only 1 he can't talk yet apart from mama and dada.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 21:31

He did, bumble

I was in telephone contact with my son until late last year

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 21:31

He did, bumble

I was in telephone contact with my son until late last year

Charley50 · 03/05/2016 21:34

I'm only on page 4. The OP is getting a hard time, maybe deservedly. Just want to add there is sometimes a cultural aspect to not actively parenting own children, one which goes back a long time, and while I don't think it's right, I do understand how and why it happens.

andintothefire · 03/05/2016 21:36

Charley50 - settle in for a good read! Wink

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 21:47

I think people are poking him for more of the story. He doesn't want to share all his business so everyone has to guess and now op has Foff.

blondieblondie · 03/05/2016 21:56

I think I'm right in saying that it's only the OP's income that's taken into account when calculating maintenance? The fact he says "we" are paying more than necessary is what annoys me. You'd be expected to pay the same if you were single would you not?

Having said that, I do find a lot of comments on here to be very judgmental.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 22:01

Perhaps he has joint finances with his wife?

blondieblondie · 03/05/2016 22:32

I'm sure he does, but his wife's income is irrelevant to what he pays in maintenance.

I wouldn't appreciate the inference that my ex's partner was the one contributing to my child's financial upbringing. Unless of course she was, in which case they would have to be paying more than the amount agreed by the CSA and he states he has always paid this amount, before he met his wife.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 22:38

He says he was paying 40% of his income (£400). That's quite a whack. Not sure that most people would survive on £600 unless supported by a partner. And actually, on the older CSA schemes, new partners incomes were included, weren't they?

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 22:49

Well if they were Four, then between the two of them they were only earning 1000 pounds a month. And yet OP thought he could afford another child...

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 22:55

To be fair on the op his son is 16 so legally he has two years left to pay maintenance. There could be a change in circumstances his wife is a SAHM and has no plans of returning back to work.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/05/2016 23:45

Or possibly 4 years. Liability exists for CM whilst the child is eligible for child benefit or could be if not for parental income. So potentially up to the week before their 19th birthday

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/05/2016 06:23

Bumble bee, yes that's exactly what I'm saying, and I've explained why I'm saying it. Your bar for involved parenting is rather low.

tupperwareAARGGH · 04/05/2016 09:22

HAHAHA my ex would say that I'm a crazy bitch that has stopped contact to all that would listen the truth is he chose not to see his son, he chose not to turn up for contact and he chose to take me to court to try and prove that I was stopping thankfully we live in a world of emails and texts. I could prove that wasn't the case.

He also chose to not see his son for over 3 years and then expect to walk straight back into his life and only actually want to see him one day a month but refused to start off contact gradually and in a place my son felt safe. I told him to go to court and then it will be in a contact centre. He chose not to and then said to me that 'my son will see for himself when he's 16 that it wasn't me preventing contact' pretty similar to you. My sons welfare and safety come above some blokes desire to play and being a daddy when actually only wanting minimal involvement.

He rarely sees his daughter either and spouts the same shite about that ex too.

I smell bullshit and crap parenting on your part. I very much doubt your friends get the full story from you about your ex either.

Pay the same amount or don't but your son will know what an utterly poor parent you already are.

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 09:46

Tupperware how dreadfull for you have you kept those emails for later on. The reason why I bat around saying it could genuinly be the woman is because of what my partner went through. I hope I never meet another woman like it again its how you shouldn't behave as a mother. She was under social services and she had her first child taken away from her. I do wonder what he saw in her she was chaotic and he still tried to see the boy. He couldn't get contact because of where she put him in the end and this started with her boyfriend threatening him. Even after she put him in there he still went to see his son but she was acting crazy with his family and there old people. He had to call it a day when I first saw her she wanted to beat me up. She would have fights in the street while her son was in the pram.

I say to him what was that all about he was ill back then his family turned there backs on him. He is very intelligent man and the most hard working man I have ever met in my life. That woman wanted to fuvk him up and scorn against him bring him down to her level. All he wanted was to see his son thats all. He is not an unreasonable man.

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 09:54

If his son wants to come and look for his dad later on when he is 18 I look forward to it. I have kept every social work paper and court papers.

Pisssssedofff · 04/05/2016 10:05

The kid doesn't need to see those bumblebee that's as abusive tbh

bumblebee1234 · 04/05/2016 10:11

I think the whole thing scares me tbh. I am glad i got that of my chest. I just hope she is not behind him. Looking at her facebook page she is heavily into clubbing her whole page is dedicated to it.