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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

391 replies

MrSnow · 03/05/2016 12:14

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 03/05/2016 20:16

It's not our business I guess but when you hold up your life to be judged then you can't complain if you don't like the outcome.

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 20:18

I am a woman with 4 children but I would never dream of holding back contact with there dad if he ever left me. I don't think being scornful is the answer.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 20:23

Neither would I. Nor would I wait until my child was almost an adult to attempt any kind of meaningful relationship.
You're talking about two different things. BOTH parents in this situation are to blame. The mother shouldn't have been obstructive and the father shouldn't have given up.

wannabestressfree · 03/05/2016 20:27

In answer to the question you actually asked yes I would reduce the amount but I would give a months notice and put it in writing. You have been more than reasonable financially and I have three sons (none of whom get 400 a month!!)

Filter out the unpleasantness. You have done well not to bite.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 20:31

Cheers Sock and Crevice.

I also don't understand why someone who works full time would only be earning 1000 a month (if they're paying 40% and £400 per month). I mean, that's less than minimum wage.

I think this thread whiffs a bit.

andintothefire the man should be able to tell the woman to have an abortion, and if she doesn't agree it should be OK for him to not bother to see the child, really? Hmm He should have used a condom. And if that failed then he has to accept the consequences of the sex he chose to have.

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 20:35

Female condom, fem cap, diaphragm ect. Can't us women not control our own reproductive system.

Haworthiia · 03/05/2016 20:39

Forgive my weary cynicism but...

My father would say exactly the same about my mother, yet he never bothered with contact once we were old enough to question him. I know for a fact he spins the 'woe is me, she stops me seeing my kids' line when the truth is rather different.

Reduce the money if you want to. Just don't expect your son, who has been raised by his mother (who presumably loves, feeds, cares for him through thick and thin for his entire childhood) to be swayed by anything you say.
My father crawled out of the woodwork recently to do this (or rather in the hopes of seeing his only grandchild.)

I have no interest in seeing him at all.

By the way, it's irrelevant whether she has a new partner or not, and irrelevant how much they earn.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 20:40

Yes we can. WE, as in the woman, can choose.

So can men, up until the point they have sex without a condom and then the choice is no longer theirs. They've had their choice, their moment has passed.

Exactly as it should be.

And they should accept the consequences (offspring) resulting from that sex they chose to have.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 20:40

Yes we can. WE, as in the woman, can choose.

So can men, up until the point they have sex without a condom and then the choice is no longer theirs. They've had their choice, their moment has passed.

Exactly as it should be.

And they should accept the consequences (offspring) resulting from that sex they chose to have.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 20:41

Yes we can. WE, as in the woman, can choose.

So can men, up until the point they have sex without a condom and then the choice is no longer theirs. They've had their choice, their moment has passed.

Exactly as it should be.

And they should accept the consequences (offspring) resulting from that sex they chose to have.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 20:44

Anyway, OP has got off very cheap at just £400 a month, given that's been his sole input to the child's life.

It will have cost his ex far more than that to house, feed, clothe and entertain her son alone for 16 years.

andintothefire · 03/05/2016 20:49

accept the consequences (offspring) resulting from that sex they chose to have.

Yes, absolutely with regard to financial consequences. But the argument that men should just be celibate is a bit unrealistic, especially when women have so much more control over our contraceptive choices and ultimately (in my view) the sole choice whether to have a termination or not. We also have the most reliable methods of contraception under our control.

My example is perhaps a bit extreme but I think that a lot of young men are actually put in that position. I think that fathers should maintain contact with children and I can't imagine choosing not to do so. But I do have some sympathy for men who don't want that relationship when they don't have a say whether a child is brought into the world or not.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 20:57

A child should have both emotional and financial support. Why should the man get to chose to opt out of one of those entirely?

If he wants a choice, he should use a condom.

andintothefire · 03/05/2016 20:58

PS I don't think that the choice to use a condom or not even compares with the choices that women have. Condoms are frighteningly unreliable and so men just can't prevent pregnancy in the same way that women can. When we have the male pill my view will be different!

MrsRyanGosling15 · 03/05/2016 20:58

This thread is bloody ridiculous. A load of bitter, twisted women projecting their own issues and blatantly just making stuff up to fill in gaps of a story they know nothing about. Op you are a nrp. And a man. You never stood a chance on MN.

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 20:59

What if the condom busts?

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/05/2016 20:59

It's sad if a father won't have contact but I don't see how it can be legislated the way financial support can be. You can't force a relationship in law. Still, if a man does decide to reject his own child emotionally as OP has done, he shouldn't turn sniffy if people think less of him for it.

Why he thinks his family's opinion matters but not the child's, I can't understand.

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 21:02

I think people on here are watching way too much Jeremy Kyle.

Pisssssedofff · 03/05/2016 21:03

If the condom bursts and you are having sex with somebody you don't know, love or care about then you get what you deserve. You cannot go around impregnating people and then bloody moaning about it. I'd say the same if you got pregnant by an idiot man you hardly know, you have to let your child visit as long as it's safe and the fact that he's not your dream date is your problem not the child's. I constantly apologise to my kids got the father I gave them lol

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 21:04

I think people on here are watching way too much Jeremy Kyle.

Or maybe they've just had different experiences and therefore have a different perspective on this situation.

AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 21:04

What if the condom busts?

Then there may be a baby conceived...

Which is the risk you take when you have sex.

The woman may want to take the MAP or have a termination. But she may not want to for a hundred reasons. That's her choice. Doesn't mean the child that results from the sex between TWO people should suffer either emotionally or financially because the man decides he'd rather not bother.

(I can't believe it's 2016 and I'm having to explain this, but there you go).

MrsRyanGosling15 · 03/05/2016 21:05

And sheba has just proved my point. How the hell do you know he has chosen to emotionally reject his son? Did he say that?they seemed to be in contact a few months ago. You have no idea what happened so why make stuff up?

CreviceImp · 03/05/2016 21:05

Internalised misogyny is apparent on this thread.

andintothefire · 03/05/2016 21:07

The debate is a bit personal for me because I had an abortion when a condom and the morning after pill both failed. That was my choice. Had I chosen to keep the baby against my 20 year old bf's wishes, do you think I should have expected him to give up his prestigious university and postgraduate plans abroad even though he took all the precautions you say he should have taken? I would absolutely have expected maintenance commensurate with his income, but not the huge impact on his life and career plans that having caring responsibilities for a baby would have had. I don't think that would have been fair in the circumstances.

It wasn't a case of us not caring about each other - we were just both young and had at least four years of full time, demanding studying ahead of us, before similarly demanding early years in our careers. Ultimately I got to make the choice whether to give that up. He didn't.

gunting · 03/05/2016 21:08

I recognise this story.... A woman started a thread about her 'friend' who lived a comfortable life and -only- worked part time while being paid csa.

Turned out the friend was actually her husbands ex.

Are you sure you're a man OP?

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