To seriously be considering basically throwing £20k down the toilet

[ahunter90]

Me and my DP of a year are due to go on the first leg of our RTW on Sunday. We are supposed to be going away for 13 months.

Past couple of weeks he has been getting more and more distant. We usually talk 2/3 times a day and usually Skype (we live 100 miles away from each other at the moment) and text during the day. Two weeks a go we would only text, now he won't even respond to texts and then noticed today (after getting a message notification from a mutual friend) that he has changed his relationship status to "single" on Facebook.

Called his Mum today and told her unless he contacted me today- I wouldn't be going away with him. Got to three hours later and still hadn't heard from him. Texted him and told him I would be calling the insurance company to see what could be done re money and cancelling if I didn't hear from him within the hour. Reply within 30 seconds to tell me he was driving over to "talk".

To cut a long story short- he has admitted to have been sleeping with someone else for the past 3 months and that he thinks he's falling for her but he thinks going away will help him get over her.

I'm devastated- a) because he has broken my heart and b) i've paid for 75% of the trip and it's taken me years to save up for it and I honestly don't think I could spend 12 months seeing his face everyday and it being the only friendly face around me.

I just don't know what to do.

No need to abandon your trip, just listen to this edition of Woman's Hour and then once inspired, go on your own! You will love it. Send some postcards to MNHQ so they can report how you are getting on

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b075mdxz

Go on your own, it will be fab. I've done some solo travelling, not round the world but to long haul destinations. It's fun and you'll make friends along the way.

I'm so sorry your ex has done this, he's a massive bellend.

You have a few options. You can ask him to pay his full share of the ticket money, and then what he does with his ticket is none of your concern. Most RTW tickets you can change the dates for nothing/a nominal amount, so just re-jig your flights and you never have to see him again. (If he doesn't pay up, threaten him with small claims - might give him the kick up the arse to reimburse you!)

If that doesn't work, are they transferable? Can you take someone else? There are lots of forums with people looking for travelling companions. If not try travel insurance and cancel his.

A similar sort of thing happened to me, only I'd set off and my ex was supposed to fly out to join me a week later, but wouldn't speak to me or respond to my emails and didn't make it out for 3 months, so I was sort of hanging around waiting. Only I didn't, I met loads of other people including a new and gorgeous DP and I never ever looked back. I made some great friends, had some incredible adventures and had the time of my life. Once you get your head around it it's great, you can go where you want, if you want to be with people you'll find them, if you don't like where you are you can re-jig your flights, you can stay longer if you love it, the world is at your feet!

I had the mother of all panic attacks on the first night when I realised I was on my own in India thousands of miles from anyone I knew and I wondered what the hell I'd done and was tempted to fly straight out again. But I acclimatised quickly and by the end of the trip I felt bloody amazing that anxiety or no, I travelled the world by myself.

Wishing you the best of luck, let us know what you decide.

Go on your own

My guess is that he was in a crisis himself about going away for a year and sabotaged himself - and, sadly, you - by having an affair. Your heart is broken, but you have been saved a life-time of misery with the wrong guy.
I would go with him for this first leg but - if you possibly can - not as partners, as acquaintances. Phone ahead and ask for twin rooms rather than double bed. You say you paid 75%: plan to replace him as your travel partner for the next part.
This is now about your life: this trip your springboard. Takes strength, but nothing will be lost by it.

I went travling on my own and you meet so many people, it's hard to shake them off sometimes!!
See if you can book at trip at the first place you go to. You will meet others on that and you won't be on your own.
I did an intrepid trip about South East Asia and it was wonderful. Met lots of people and some of us stayed together when it ended and went on from there.
You would never regret going but you would look back and regret chucking all that money away and not having amazing experiences.

OP you really CAN go alone. It will be the making of you. The best thing you ever did. You say you get anxiety/panic attacks - you are getting them already, here, where you are. So you can have them abroad too. or maybe discover that you don't get them abroad because it was routine not excitement that caused them.

he has broken your heart and that is horrible. the first few weeks or months will be really tough wherever you are. But you will recover more quickly with so many new things to see and do than you would if you sat at home, unhappy and deeply bitter at wasting 20k. The man is a tosser. Show yourself that he is not your world. You really CAN do this without him.

Sorry if this has already been suggested before but I remember a similar case where a guy needed to find someone with exactly the same name as his ex because it was too late to change the name on the tickets. He put it out on social media and found someone and it worked out okay.

I suppose that meant if he'd looked earlier he'd have been able to change the name on the tickets and taken someone else.
I think you should try and find someone else to go with you.
I wouldn't ever want to see your ex again if I were you let alone being stuck with him all the way round the world. What a total git. I hope you find a way to sort this out and I hope you have a brilliant time whatever happens - but have it without him.

Op. Lots of people are saying to go it alone. I wouldn't have felt comfortable when I was a lot younger. But you say you've been saving for years so I guess you're well into your 20's. I think the trip is more dangerous alone so I understand your feelings and anxiety and you would need to stick to certain places. The best advice you have had is to try to raffle off or sell the ticket to a female companion perhaps. I would never go with him. He's not worthy of licking your boots. Alternatively you could cancel everything you can and postpone. The problem with that is you may never get to travel if you never find someone to go with or if your health fails when you're young - as mine has.

Sorry I missed the bit about it being Sunday.
Go on your own.
Be careful and be brave.
There are ways to keep yourself safe I'm sure you are capable. As GeezeLouiseBelcher said you can make friends with nice people on the planes and where you go and then you won't be on your own you'll be with new friends.

Enjoyingthepeace- I understand what you are saying , I really do.

I think the OP should write a list detailing the pros and cons of
a) Taking the bastard with her
b) Cancelling the trip
c) Finding out if anyone else would go with her
d) Gong it alone
e) Postponing

Out of the 5 possible options ,she can make up her mind .

I get really bad anxiety but in the best having had to deal with stuff that happens, I have realised I can do it . For me , I would go it alone .

should read "in the past" having d to deal with stuff that happens

Oh sweetheart
What a terrible thing to happen to you. We're in the middle of a family RTW trip at the moment - all the different tickets have different T&Cs but all our flight dates are changeable for a fee - I expect yours are too. If you decide to go for it (and I understand both sides of the argument) there are things you can do to ensure you have a great time without worrying about the 'going it alone' factor.

Of course you will meet backpackers on the road (and maybe your travel soulmate) but it's not guaranteed immediately. But you could book an organised tour at your first leg - something like G Adventures, Exodus or Explore might provide this. Some last minute deals are very cheap. That way you'll have a guaranteed guide and companions for the first bit to get you started - you know you'll be looked after. It might make that first step less daunting.

Or, for less organised touring, buses like this www.peruhop.com -exist in all sorts of places, and give you companionship and help.

Just some other thoughts.
All the very best - do send me a message if I can help with any questions (and if it's Mexico you're going to, do let me know!)

I wouldn't waste 20k on a cheating bastard! Go on your own,yes it will seem scary and daunting but you will have the best time! You will meet others while you are travelling. I went RTW when I was 18 on my own, best thing I've ever done.

Go go go! It's your opportunity and leave the dickhead behind.

Why are some posters thinking that having anxiety attacks means the OP can't do anything? She already has anxiety attacks, right here in UK. Maybe this place and this man are what cause them. they are a sign that something is deeply wrong. The only way to overcome our fears in life is to do things we want to do, even if they scare us. OP has a choice of staying home, losing 20k's worth of once in a lifetime experience because a shit she's had a long distance relationship with has dumped her. Or she can do what she clearly wanted to do, and has planned for so long, and go round the world without the shit.

Poor OP. She writes the OP and one other post, explaining that she has anxiety and panic attacks.

And gets hundreds of posts shouting, 'Go alone!', some even demanding it of her along with demands that she create an MN travelogue for the benefit of total strangers, that it will be the best thing for her ever in her whole life, it will be like Eat, Pray, Love (and she must write a book) and dozens of complete dismissals of her anxiety and panic attack. Because those just magically disappear once you step on a plane, an ideal place for a panic attack, and she feels the liberation of being alone en route to a destination that may well be rather dangerous for a lone woman.

WTAF?

I love travelling alone. I've travelled alone a lot since I was 16.

Due to events in my later life, I know how panic attacks and anxiety. They don't stop me, personally, from travelling, but I could well see where they are very serious limiting for others and even beta blockers don't just magic them away.

It would be irresponsible and selfish of me to tell someone who told me they suffered similar just to pretend it doesn't exist and do something they don't want to do - that will help get rid of it. I'm not their doctor or therapist, some things can make this condition far, far worse.

Unfortunately her thread has turned into a catalogue of people who put what they want ahead of, and without even asking, what the OP wants or needs.

I'm not surprised she hasn't been back.

What an absolute wanker!Do not go with him,I'd try and get someone else to come with me or go alone and if you think it's too much for you ,come home.Do not get back with that coward !the cheek of him.

I think some posters are always a little bit cautious when on a thread some other posters appear to want the OP to turn her life into a reality TV type event for their own entertainment.

'The only way to overcome our fears in life is to do things we want to do, even if they scare us. '

Bollocks! Depends entirely on the person's condition and its background.

Anxiety and panic attacks have many causes and treatments. Mine comes from PTSD. The cause of that PTSD will never go away (it was from a child bereavement). There's no 'fear' in me. No amount of travelling or going bungee jumping or walking over hot coals will cure me of that anxiety and panic attacks.

It has to be managed in other ways.

Other people have different causes for their condition and respond to different treatments.

When I was a rock climber, some people participated in something called 'whipper therapy' for lead climbers who were afraid to fall. In other words, lead to the top of an overhanging route in the gym, skip clipping the last bolt, and jump off, take a whipper.

For some people, it worked. For others, it did FA. But everyone recognised how incredibly irresponsible it would be to encourage someone to do this. If someone wanted to, yes, but goading them? Not on.

I don't have panic attacks. I do suffer from anxiety. I went to Thailand & Laos alone. I hated being alone and when I first got there it was bloody awful. But a few weeks in I had a sort of revelation, I don't know how to describe it, but I suddenly realised that being alone was ok. I found an inner calm which is not something an anxiety sufferer like me normally feels, and I can genuinely say it was a turning point, in my trip and in my life.

It was pretty grim before that though, but it's possible to go it alone.

Good luck whatever you decide - but don't let that spineless bastard get a free holiday, will you? Tear his bloody tickets up if you feel you can't go yourself - why should he have his cake and eat it.

Oh, and you deserve better

I've also travelled alone with anxiety. It was terrifying at times but so exhilarating and so confidence building. I have a disability so it was extra tough, too.
I understand entirely why you feel like cancelling but please give it a go. If you hate it after a month, you can come home. I bet you anything you'll be so glad, if you do go.

He's sleeping with somebody and he might be falling for her? Isn't that a little cart before the horse? I've no doubt he's told her he loves her and what happens on the return? Back to square one? Drop him, he's an asshole and not worth anymore of your precious time - and I'm not some embittered wronged woman, I'm a man and I do despise how my gender behaves sometimes.

er expat you quoted me and then misquoted me in the same post. I said 'to do the things we want to do' not things we're forced to do like overcoming fear of heights by someone else deciding we need to be dangled from high places. And I was talking about fear not PTSD. My post was nothing to do with your problems.

And I didn't suggest doing any of that bravado stuff like walking on hot coals. I suggested seeing through projects we have set our hearts on, despite set backs. The OP has saved for years and invested 20k in a round the world trip. Now a man who she's known for a year and doesn't even see regularly has ducked out. She may need or want encouragement to go anyway, rather than waste all her money, throw away her dream and burrow down into heartbreak over a weasel who has cheated on her.

Sorry everyone- didn't mean to post and run. Had to go and meet the ex last night to talk through what we were going to do.

I'm going alone. I've managed to get the £ off my parents to pay back his portion of the trip so he can't complain.

I just hope everything goes OK. I don't have time to read through everyones posts- but thank you to everyone