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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To seriously be considering basically throwing £20k down the toilet

301 replies

ahunter90 · 28/04/2016 20:52

Me and my DP of a year are due to go on the first leg of our RTW on Sunday. We are supposed to be going away for 13 months.

Past couple of weeks he has been getting more and more distant. We usually talk 2/3 times a day and usually Skype (we live 100 miles away from each other at the moment) and text during the day. Two weeks a go we would only text, now he won't even respond to texts and then noticed today (after getting a message notification from a mutual friend) that he has changed his relationship status to "single" on Facebook.

Called his Mum today and told her unless he contacted me today- I wouldn't be going away with him. Got to three hours later and still hadn't heard from him. Texted him and told him I would be calling the insurance company to see what could be done re money and cancelling if I didn't hear from him within the hour. Reply within 30 seconds to tell me he was driving over to "talk".

To cut a long story short- he has admitted to have been sleeping with someone else for the past 3 months and that he thinks he's falling for her but he thinks going away will help him get over her.

I'm devastated- a) because he has broken my heart and b) i've paid for 75% of the trip and it's taken me years to save up for it and I honestly don't think I could spend 12 months seeing his face everyday and it being the only friendly face around me.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
whatsagoodusername · 29/04/2016 11:06

And if you can take a friend for at least the first leg, it may help you get into the mood instead of thinking "DP should be here to help or to enjoy this with me".

PuntCuffin · 29/04/2016 11:10

You must go on your own! And yes, MN travelogue it.

In my late twenties (a long time ago Sad ) after a relationship went sour (another cheating basted story Angry), I got on a plane to Zimbabwe and backpacked through Zambia, Botswana, Namibia and South Africa. I set off as a broken shell weighing barely 6 stone and could only just carry my kit. I was depressed, terrified, having panic attacks etc before i set off. My parents begged me not to go. But no man was going to steal my freedom. I got myself a job in Cape Town and stayed with the boss while I got well again. He had suffered a recent loss and we helped each other through it (platonic only - his kids were my age). It was the most amazing, life changing experience. I came back confident, a healthy weight, made friends from all around the world.

Before I went, I took a short trip to Europe on my own to prove to myself that I could travel alone. Could you try that?

nauticant · 29/04/2016 11:14

Does I'm devastated- a) because he has broken my heart and b) i've paid for 75% of the trip and it's taken me years to save up for it mean you've paid that amount for both of you or just 75% of your share?

Check with your insurance company if you've taken out insurance.

I'm not comletely convinced by the posts saying "go, you'll have a marvellous time". Maybe, maybe not.

The one thing you should avoid like the plague is going with him.

hareinthemoon · 29/04/2016 11:24

Oh please go, alone is better, I know it won't feel like it from where you are now. But you can do it, and it will be the best, fastest, most amazing way to find out what the next part of your life holds. What an amazing thing you've planned and made sacrifices for, don't lose it now over a silly little cheater person.

Mslg · 29/04/2016 11:25

I went travelling with a partner a few years ago and we split up mid-way. We ended up travelling together and sharing accommodation for the last 6 weeks or so and it was absolute hell. I wished I had gone it alone as i spent most of the time sightseeing/exploring on my own anyway.

Like you, I also suffer with anxiety which I've had some therapy for and have a handle on most of the time. If I were you, I would go (minus the asshole of course) and enjoy one day at a time. If it doesn't work out, fair enough- you can come back again. You will regret not going. Can I also just say that despite my breakup tarnishing my travel experience, it was an incredible experience as a whole and I would do it again in a heartbeat and I have a fond nostalgia when I remember it. Very envious of your trip right now, sounds amazing Smile very best of luck to you, the world is your oyster!

nicolachristine · 29/04/2016 11:28

Go on your own

firesidechat · 29/04/2016 11:30

I don't think the op will get any joy with her insurance company. Sad as it is this is in effect changing your mind about going and no insurance will pay out for that.

Divathecat · 29/04/2016 11:33

Just go on your own, check in to your flight on your own and you wont be seated with him if he should also travel.

Regards paying 75%, do you mean that you paid for half of his fare? if so what does he plan to do about it?

jennyblonde82 · 29/04/2016 11:33

Go by yourself and have an amazing time X

joloho35 · 29/04/2016 11:35

So he wants a basically heavily discounted trip of a lifetime paid for by you. He will keep you happy say whatever he has to say to you to keep you paying and sweet. When you get back he'll go back to her telling you time apart made him want her more. You will not have anxiety if you do this alone, it may be a bit uncomfortable at first but nowhere near as strong and feel good about yourself as you'll feel once you've done it without him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 11:36

Actually, I correct my post.

Not the insurance. You can cancel directly with many hotels and flight companies, or through the booking agents and get a lot of your money back.

Perhaps not the first leg of the trip, but it should be OK for most of it.

In particular, for flights you are usually able to get taxes back, which helps.

Lweji · 29/04/2016 11:37

Another possibility is to change the trip for, say, next year and use it to get back on your feet or find someone else to go with you.

EveryoneElsie · 29/04/2016 11:40

Sue him in the small claims court. You will win.

firesidechat · 29/04/2016 11:47

Why would she win Elsie? I see no grounds for that at all.

Vaara · 29/04/2016 11:55

Erm no she wouldn't Elsie.

It's usually quite straightforward to change the flights on a RTW ticket and as a percentage of the overall cost it's not much.

Change the flights to where you think you would manage to travel alone, so English speaking maybe, or more "first world" etc (I obviously don't know what you've booked so far). Then advertise on the Lonely Planet forum for a friend to do bits together.

I think it'd be a crying shame to chuck the money away.

CantFeelMyFace · 29/04/2016 11:57

I hope you're not now feeling a huge amount of pressure from a bunch of strangers who are insisting you go. I'm sure that's not the intention here. We just think it's so unfair that you have to miss out on this and we are encouraging you to believe that you can do this by yourself. I hope the stories of people on here who have been similarly heartbroken and suffering from anxiety/depression but still done it, reassures you that it's doable. But In the end, you have to be 100% comfortable with it, only you know what can and can't cope with...

bibliomania · 29/04/2016 12:00

Agree with the chorus of voices saying whatever you do, don't go with him.

Spend an hour or two today going over some costs - if you were to cancel, how much would you get back? You should be able to get some percentage back. The only way it will be all thrown away is if you bury your head in the sand and let the reserved dates go past - don't do that!

I've travelled a lot solo, and I have a kind of love-hate relationship with it. It's wonderful and exciting and I don't regret a second, but there are bits when you feel lost and lonely and overwhelmed (and I don't consider myself particularly sensitive/fragile).

If you can get a reasonable percentage of your money back, it's not the end of the world to say that "this is not for me right now".

On the other hand, there's something to be said for giving it a go, like other people said.

What is your itinerary like? If you're going to places where there is a very well-established backpacker scene, it's going to be easier than if you're striking out into the wilds on your own. Some places like Australia/New Zealand seem easier (my perception - I haven't actually been there) whereas Democratic Republic of Congo might be easier.

Have you thought about booking onto small group tours at each of your destinations? Might require a bit more money, but you're guaranteed companions.

Mumstudentbum · 29/04/2016 12:00

Go on your own! What a bastard! You will regret it if you don't go and feel bad you let that idiot ruin your dream. Go!

bibliomania · 29/04/2016 12:01

DRC would NOT be easier. Typo.

nauticant · 29/04/2016 12:08

I was really struggling with that part of your advice bibliomania but it's clearer now!

FetchezLaVache · 29/04/2016 12:11

This man seems to be offering you the valuable opportunity to do the "Pick Me" dance in many of the world's most exciting destinations! I think that if you take him up on it, your self-esteem will be in tatters and your anxiety will grow far worse. Instead, I agree that you should take the empowering option and go- with a companion if possible, if not then on your own. You can always come back if it's not working out for you, but at least then you'll have no regrets. And yy to a Mumsnet travelogue!

Vaara · 29/04/2016 12:15

I would say easier places are anywhere where there is little language barrier and a very easy public transport/hostels system.

angielou123 · 29/04/2016 12:17

If you are absolutely certain you cannot go on your own, let him come, but ignore him the whole time. That's so sad that he's done this, they can't keep it in their pants can they? Take him and pretend he's not there.

RedToothBrush · 29/04/2016 12:17

I can't go alone. I get back anxiety/panic attacks and wouldn't cope being in strange places on my own. So my choices are either let the money go or go with him.

YES YOU CAN!

I do too. I travelled on my own.

If you don't you will let this man ruin your life and regret it even more.

You HAVE to go with or without him.

He will still want to go, I bet and is hoping you'll drop out.

DO NOT LET HIM GET ANOTHER ONE OVER ON YOU