Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think this is an antiquated form of address?

289 replies

nomoreheroes · 28/04/2016 15:20

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

OP posts:
GreenTomatoJam · 29/04/2016 13:53

It's not polite, and it's not correct, and anyone who thinks it is would do well to actually read Debrett's

And actually, if you google, the more recent Royal Garden party invitations use everyone's correct name.

KindDogsTail · 29/04/2016 14:00

It's not polite, and it's not correct, and anyone who thinks it is would do well to actually read Debrett's

Have I missed something in the thread GreenTomato? Debretts still seems to have
the old form Mr and Mrs John Smith here:

To think this is an antiquated form of address?
RaspberryOverload · 29/04/2016 14:01

It's not using the husbands name in a standalone sense...that would be incorrect and rude but in conjunction with Mrs which means wife of.

Which is why I use Ms. After all, Mr doesn't mean "husband of".............

CharlieSierra · 29/04/2016 14:06

Actually if you want to be really poncy the 'correct' form for an invitation is Mr & Mrs DH Surname on the card and the envelope addressed to the wife! Presumably DH had too much important stuff on to be bothered with trivial social post.

Drbint · 29/04/2016 14:11

It's not polite, and it's not correct

Unless the recipient prefers it, in which case it's both.

Seriously, some women hate this, some don't mind, some actively like it (it used to be a sign of respect and some still hold to that) and some women like me just couldn't give a shit. I'm sure we all have room to respect each other's choices.

MargotsDevil · 29/04/2016 14:34

Threads like this make me feel a failure in some ways, for simply not caring enough to get upset about how I am addressed. And to be honest I'm a bit Confused at how angry people seem to be getting about it.

To me equality is about actions and if someone is going to discriminate against me then it doesn't matter whether they call me Miss, Mrs or Ms (or Mrs DH Initial DH Surname) - and the energy wasted arguing about it would be SO much better spent dealing with the many real inequalities I see every day.

To me ranting about how outraged you are that someone (probably perfectly innocently) addressed an invitation to Mr and Mrs DH Initial Surname looks like you actually don't have any other equality issues that you need to worry about. And yes - I have (and do) address cards and invitations using that format. And TBH I find it more ignorant/ill-educated to complain about how the card/invite is addressed than to appreciate that someone you consider to be ignorant took the time and care to send you the item in the first place.

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 14:44

To me, these are the norm and yes I realise that the last picture is an American example...

Our joint bank account had Mr & Mrs DHName SharedSurname until we changed banks and now it says Mr DHInitial & Mrs MyInitial Shared Surname, I did actually prefer the first version....

To think this is an antiquated form of address?
To think this is an antiquated form of address?
To think this is an antiquated form of address?
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 29/04/2016 14:52

It is a real inequality MargotsDevil, as it creates a situation where a married woman's name is not important enough for her to be addressed by it. I don't find it ignorant or ill-educated to speak out about that.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/04/2016 15:27

MargotsDevil

I agree with WhoKnows is sends a message about womens' status in marriage. It treats the women as a mere adjunct to her husband.

MargotsDevil · 29/04/2016 15:30

I think it's being made into a bigger deal than it needs to be. I have to say, I get especially frustrated at people who make a fuss about others getting confused when they choose to be known as sometimes maiden name sometimes married name depending on which way the wind is blowing. At the end of the day - the name on an envelope is a guide to who the contents are for. Do you understand the meaning? Yes - you're just choosing to get worked up that it isn't how you want to be known. Annoying? Probably. Matter of life or death? Or worth the time already spent on this thread? I personally don't think so. And I don't think it does the battle for equality any good - if women are seen to be bitching about how they have been labelled on an envelope, then how can we expect to be taken seriously in other areas?

I completely support people who get worked up about real inequality btw - for example the new junior doctor contracts which will massively impact working mums.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 29/04/2016 15:43

I think it's the other way round personally. If we are happy being addressed as our husband's name instead of our own it sends out a clear signal that we aren't interested in equality. Therefore how can we be taken seriously when it does come to the bigger issues.

RaqsMax · 29/04/2016 15:45

I kept my own name Ms Surname when I married, but MIL clearly thought I was deranged and insisted on writing to me as Mrs HusbandInitial HusbandSurname for years. Despite me mentioning it to her several times over the years with increasing levels of irritation that I preferred to be addressed with my OWN name, thanks! She also ignored the fact that our children have both our surnames hyphenated.

After about 6 years, my husband quietly said to his mother one day, 'Seriously, Mum. Why do you keep writing to DW using my surname and why do you keep writing to the kids not using their surnames? It's really disrespectful...' Cue one very flustered and horrified MIL. She apologised profusely and got very embarrassed and never did it again....but it took HIM to request it before she paid attention.....

(His siblings still do it, though! Can't win 'em all...... Wink)

falange · 29/04/2016 16:43

It doesn't matter. Really. Who cares.

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 17:44

StillRabbit, those pictures don't mean that it's anything. It just illustrates that some people don't think things through properly and aren't au fais with modern etiquette.

Why on earth would a self-respecting person actually prefer to be addressed by someone else's initial?

MsHoolie · 29/04/2016 18:56

If this is your biggest problem today then you are having a wonderful day... ;)

HarlotBronte · 29/04/2016 20:07

Nobody said you were chattel bigbluebus. Actually read the posts you comment on! You do, however, use a title that dates from and represents a time when women were chattel. Regardless of whether you think you are or not. Speaking of chattel, the royal garden party thing gave me another laugh. It seems whenever the issue of not being addressed as an appendage of one's husband comes up, one of the pro chattel brigade throws in something about knighthoods, royals or aristocracy (or maybe it's just the same poster with an inferiority complex and a penchant for name changing). As though it's some kind of trump card. Like, have you seriously not yet realised how many levels that argument fails on?!

And margotsdevil if you feel the issue isn't worth the time spent on the thread, that's an indication of a problem with you, not the people who understand why it's an issue. By all means concentrate on the areas of inequality you feel are most pressing: feminism is a broad church and there is much work to be done. What you need to not do, however, is blame women for irrational and, if I may say so, fuckwitted prejudices held by idiot reactionaries. A person who sees this thread and treats women worse because of it, which is what you seem to be implying when you say it doesn't do the battle for feminism any good, is doing so because they're a piece of shit. No other reason. It is not the case that we would achieve equality if only we'd just express ourselves in a way that the people frustrating equality approve of.

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 21:22

(or maybe it's just the same poster with an inferiority complex and a penchant for name changing).

Never name changed on Mumsnet! Search me...same name since 2012.....

Custardo · 29/04/2016 21:32

nice to see an oldie around.

I took my husbands name happily - years ago - never changed my bank account name - never a joint account - too savvy for that shit - use my maiden name professionally and I feel I lost my identity years ago when I thought it was the right thing to do, so I go around using my maiden name - my name - its mine and I want it - a realisation I only came to late in life

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 21:44

nice to see an oldie around.

Oi! Who are you calling "oldie" 😜

pollylovespie · 29/04/2016 21:50

I would make a point of addressing people as they like to be addressed. So- if a couple with kids have different names, xmas cards go to ' The her - name and his - name family'. It irritates me when people who know I haven't changed my name address our cards to Mr and Mrs, as it is basically saying loud and clear that that is what my name should be. I personally think changing your name to your husband's is ridiculous, but I am respectful to married friends who have made that choice and address their cards to x and y surname. Using the man's initial is very old fashioned but it's just the next logical step when you've already given up your surname.

HarlotBronte · 29/04/2016 21:53

There must be at least two of you then stillrabbit! I think both of you maybe haven't cottoned on there's a likely correlation between people who find chattel-era forms of address offensive and people who find the prospect of royal garden parties and knighthoods (the other offender's favourite) less than tempting.

BennyTheBall · 29/04/2016 21:58

I would really object to being addressed as Mr & Mrs (his initial) surname. So archaic.

Our joint bank account is Mrs and Mr Surname.

I took my dh's surname when we married 20 years ago because he had, by far, the nicest surname and I couldn't wait to get rid of my dreadful one which I hated all my life.

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 22:03

Please could Still, Apple and co, explain WHY they actually PREFER to br addressed by someone else's name or initial?

I really want to understand what this is about.

KindDogsTail · 29/04/2016 22:10

it's just the next logical step when you've already given up your surname.
I rather agree Pollyloves,

Getting rid of his initial or first name wouldn't be quite enough once one is at it.

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 22:24

Please could Still, Apple and co, explain WHY they actually PREFER to br addressed by someone else's name or initial?
I really want to understand what this is about.

I suppose I just REALLY like being married to my DH and having that fact duly acknowledged. We've been together for 29 years and will soon celebrate our silver wedding anniversary. He says he is proud to call me his wife and best friend and I am proud to call him my husband and best friend.

I am happy to be Mrs DH SharedSurname just the same as I am perfectly content to be referred to as DS or DDs Mum by people who don't know my name. Indeed, some of DDs friends call me "Mama X" with X being DDs shortened name. It is used with affection and respect which is all I really ask.