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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is an antiquated form of address?

289 replies

nomoreheroes · 28/04/2016 15:20

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

OP posts:
StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 11:36

I very much doubt that The Duchess of Cambridge complains about one of her titles being Princess William of Wales - if she did say she didn't like it, would it be correct and polite to keep insisting to use that particular title, as opposed to the one she prefers?

Well as she isn't entitled to the title "Princess Catherine" then it would be to use it as calling my brothers girlfriend Mrs HisSurname.

MorrisZapp · 29/04/2016 11:36

What a load of pish. Women don't become Steve or Brian when they get married. Surnames are one thing, first names are quite another.

If I addressed any of my married friends as Martin or Chris, they'd assume I was joking.

teacherwith2kids · 29/04/2016 11:37

For me, it would depend who had written the address.

My mum, a child of the 1930s but a Victorian both at heart and in appearance, very actively prefers that form of address. I have seldom seen her so angry as when she received a letter from my aunt (her SiL) addressed to Ms HerInitials SharedSurname. She entirely tolerates Mrs HerInitials SharedSurname in most contexts, especially because she still has an active professional / voluntary work life in which she is wholly separate from my dad, but the Ms had her spitting: "She knows I'm married. I married her brother."

So I in my turn would accept Mr and Mrs HisInitial Surname [actually, usually Mr and Dr, because even if they are not remotely feminist, they tend to be sticklers for observing that I have a PhD] from the over 75s. I wouldn't from anyone younger.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/04/2016 11:39

Well as she isn't entitled to the title "Princess Catherine"
Oh come on, you know very well what I meant.

Is Mrs Smith not entitled to be called just Mrs Smith (or Ms) so we have to address her Mrs John Smith?

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 11:41

Sigh would people kindly stop saying it's correct. Something that offends a large number of people nowadays is no longer correct.

A large number of people (NOT including me) find breast feeding offensive.... is breast feeding incorrect? A large number of people find same sex relationships offensive.... are these people in love with each other incorrect? It has offended people when I have asked them not to smoke in my home.... am I incorrect?

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 11:42

Oh well, Apple, yes, of course if it's handwritten (fountain pen, of course) on a heavy stock of envelope, of COURSE, an archaic, insensitive and downright stupid form of address is acceptable.

Hmm
StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 11:48

Well I do hope that any married lady who finds it offensive to be receive an envelope addressed to Mr & Mrs HusbandsInitial SharedSurname will immediately throw that invitation to a royal garden party in the recycling bin.

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 11:49

What a load of pish. Women don't become Steve or Brian when they get married. Surnames are one thing, first names are quite another.
If I addressed any of my married friends as Martin or Chris, they'd assume I was joking.

It's not using the husbands name in a standalone sense...that would be incorrect and rude but in conjunction with Mrs which means wife of.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/04/2016 11:50

Breast feeding and non-discrimination based on sexual orientation are legally protected, as is your right as a home owner to decide about smoking in your home. Helps to deal with antiquated opinions that haven't caught up with most of the society yet.

I can't find any law about addressing married women as John. It's just a custom, and an outdated one.

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 11:54

Royal garden party? Is that your argument then? Wow.

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 12:00

Royal garden party? Is that your argument then? Wow.

No, just an example. If it is a rude and stupid way to address someone then maybe the palaces (Royal and Westminster) should be informed...

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 12:06

Hilarious. Yes, of course they should. If that's what they do.

mrskim123 · 29/04/2016 12:10

It is very antiquated but as I understand it the tradition is (if you want to stick with it) if you are married and your husband is alive you are Mrs F (Fred) Bloggs but widows are called Mrs S (Sally) Bloggs or whatever. It is very upsetting if you get a letter addressing you as the former if you are the latter.

motherinferior · 29/04/2016 12:10

In what warped alternative universe would I not throw an invite to the Windsors' bash in the recycling?

KatharinaRosalie · 29/04/2016 12:14

I still don't get it.
Why not use Mr and Mrs Bloggs? Why, if you have heard that a lot of women object to being called 'John', would you still insist on putting the 'J' there? What's the purpose?

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 12:15

Hilarious. Yes, of course they should. If that's what they do.

That's what they do 😎

They also send out guidelines about what to do when addressed by a member of the Royal Family etc., of course that's all a bit old and traditional too so maybe we should just go with "Hi Queenie, how you doing?"

Should say that although I would be announced at a formal event as Mrs DHName Shared Surname I would be called Mrs SharedSurname. A married lady is not addressed verbally by her husband's forename.

vintanner · 29/04/2016 12:27

Why take your husband's surname anyway? Don't have to.

I haven't but each time I refer to him the person I'm talking to assumes I'm Mrs 'Husband'sSurname' and you know what they say about assuming don't you (and I don't appreciate that either) even when they have been corrected they still get it wrong.

I don't see why, in this day and age, that we have to have Mr/Miss/Ms/Mrs, why not just use your own name 'J Bloggs', 'Jessie Blaggs', 'James Bloggs' - things could be addressed:

  To James Bloggs and Jessie Blaggs, etc.

Just saying.....

vintanner · 29/04/2016 12:30

Just caught the start of 'loose women' where they showed the first episode and each one of the women were introduced as Miss ...... ....... and as far as I know at least one of them were married.

MewlingQuim · 29/04/2016 12:51

I would be hugely insulted to receive mail addressed to Mrs DH DHsurname Hmm

Even my DM doesn't stoop so low and she is a proper Hyasinth Bucket type. I do still wish I could get her to address post to me as Dr MewlingQuim, I have been doctor for many years before I married DH but she still puts Mrs. Its as if my value is defined only by my husband and not by my own achievements Angry

motherinferior · 29/04/2016 12:52

They also send out guidelines about what to do when addressed by a member of the Royal Family etc., of course that's all a bit old and traditional too so maybe we should just go with "Hi Queenie, how you doing?

How bizarre of them. Doesn't surprise me but nothing will happen if you don't stick servilely to the demanded form of address, you know.

StitchWitch · 29/04/2016 12:55

My ex-husband's aunt sent me a Christmas card addressed to Mrs [Ex's initial] [Ex's surname] 6 weeks after he left me. Not. Impressed. That said, I still choose to use his surname because I want the same name as my kids. But Mrs [identity subsumed by cheat]? No thanks.

shipsladyg · 29/04/2016 13:15

I quite like it when we've received things for "HisTitle & Mrs HisName" - but only for jolly things like invitations.

Anything where there's a joint responsibility or liability, then I expect to be listed separately (even though I'm pretty much a kept woman with no personal resources - but I could do if I wasn't being SAHM).

I get more upset with people who get all above themselves and write "Mr Jones Esq" (you can't be both at the same time) or those who use more than three sets of letters after their name when it's not on a CV or not relevant to the matter in hand. I see this mostly on school signs. Yes you may have a BA and a MA and yes they may be in different disciplines, but you don't state both.

shipsladyg · 29/04/2016 13:19

I wish we were more French about the Miss/Mrs thing too and once we hit the age of majority we just become Mrs so we don't have to worry about upsetting spinsters, women who've kept their name, divorcees and widows.

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 13:32

StillRabbit, why do you consider that those guidelines make it correct? They don't. It's incorrect and impolite. As you said, they should be strongly advised against it.

Interestingly, the House of Lords addresses people correctly.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 29/04/2016 13:40

I wish we were all just Ms Surname, would save all this hassle. I'd far rather that than Mrs (married or unmarried) with all its baggage.

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