To think this is an antiquated form of address?

[nomoreheroes]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

Gosh, my first post has made most viewed! Now where is the lid for this big old can of worms...?

And double-barrelled folk? Couples who use wife's name?

Why can't you see this for the archaic sexist bullshit that it is?

Surely if you don't want to Mrs DH SharedSurname then you wouldn't take the shared surname in the first place!

This is a perfectly reasonable barometer.

Surely women who feel strongly about not being the Mrs. in Mr. and Mrs. John Smith would overlap almost perfectly with the women who choose not to take their husband's surname?

People take the last name, not the first name too!

^If I were writing to a married gay couple, I'd write:

Mmes. Smith
Messrs. Smith^

I'm with AppleSetsSail on that.

I only have one gay couple that I write to (Christmas cards as all other stuff is email, Facebook or in person) and I address them as Miss X OldestFriend and Miss Y HerPartner as I did the sensible thing and asked whether they preferred Miss or Ms.

For my part, I am not disputing it's "archaic sexist bullshit". Nonetheless, it is still, even in 2016, considered correct etiquette (which, before you start, is probably often archaic bullshit too). Google is, as usual, your friend.

So, no answer on the double-barrel? Is that because it's also the man's name?

It is not considered correct etiquette.

Surely women who feel strongly about not being the Mrs. in Mr. and Mrs. John Smith would overlap almost perfectly with the women who choose not to take their husband's surname?

No, I, like many (possibly most) married women took my DHs surname, not his first name, and am not happy to be Mrs John Paranoid!
None will have adopted their husbands first name.

I'm not getting into a pantomime argument with you, lulacappucino. It may not be not considered correct etiquette by a lot of people on this thread. But it is in the world beyond this thread.
Let me google for you: tinyurl.com/forms-of-address

Mrs means "the wife of" so technically I can't be Mrs Rabbit as I didn't marry myself....

Under my signature at work these days I am Mrs MyInitial SharedSurname but at college (and for many years before I left work to have the children) it would have been MyInitial SharedSurname (Mrs).

At highly formal occasions my DH and I are announced as Mr & Mrs HisName SharedSurname.

Dum, linking to that proves nothing at all.

Still no one has told me why its "correct"

Google does not decide on matters of etiquette, people do. "Correctness", unless in reference to irrefutable scientific fact, is not something that exists as an untouchable entity, separate from people' s wishes. Not one person - even those who say its " correct", fine, or doesn't bother them - has claimed that its actually their preference and they like it. So his can it be "correct?"
People decide on correctness in dealing with other people. Not antiquated guidebooks for the aristocracy.

Not one person - even those who say its " correct", fine, or doesn't bother them - has claimed that its actually their preference and they like it. So his can it be "correct?"

Okay, I'm going to say it....

I really like it when I get an envelope addressed to Mrs DH SharedSurname, I accept Mrs R(abbit) SharedSurname, I really dislike Ms SharedSurname and I assume Miss SharedSurname is a mistake...

If it's a hand-written heavy-stock envelope, I expect (and like) to see Mr. and Mrs. John Sail.

Only once was I truly offended by the way a letter was addressed to me and that was an electricity bill addressed to "Mr DH SharedSurname & The EOE for Miss Me MaidenName" EOE stands for executor of the estate! They'd killed me off when I'd only got married!

Anyone on this thread who claims to address people in this way should learn some manners and appropriate writing skills.

For an older generation, not addressing people in this way this could definitely be considered bad manners.

And someone with the writing skills of Tolstoy might still follow this traditional form - but I understand what you mean.

So the only solution is to try to think what the recipient might prefer.

For myself, if a letter is not formal, I like my own first name with no Ms, Mrs, Miss.

I am not so keen on the halfway house of Mrs KindDogs H's surname. i.e
Mrs Jane Smith (the old style divorcee form) or Ms KindDogs

If I were to start again I would either keep my maiden name, or use it to make a double barrelled name with my husband's surname.

To some men of an old generation it would not be Mr John Smith either, but John Smith Esq.

So it was always unfair that a woman could not be Sarah MaidenName Esq f. version.

Ohhh, jjbum me too.

I have pretty much given up on educating getting my mother to see that addressing someone they way they wish to be addresses really is the way forward. She clings to her experience, which would be that 'letting' anyone use anyname would take away from her achievement of getting married.

As it happens, i loved my father dearly and think he did a great job as a husband and father, but even so, i would never 'take someone's name' shudder

Okay, Rabbit, one person has!

Anybody who thinks that etiquette is outdated.... what would you do if introduced to The Queen, or asked to write a letter to a Peer of the Realm?

I was taught how to do these things in accordance with etiquette guides and would still follow them.

I very much doubt that The Duchess of Cambridge complains about one of her titles being Princess William of Wales and goes about insisting that that is rude and she should be called Princess Catherine!

I believe correctly is - for a married woman living with DH, Mrs.+ husband's name: for a widow or divorcee, Mrs.+ her first name and married surname.

Sigh would people kindly stop saying it's correct. Something that offends a large number of people nowadays is no longer correct.

I very much doubt that The Duchess of Cambridge complains about one of her titles being Princess William of Wales - if she did say she didn't like it, would it be correct and polite to keep insisting to use that particular title, as opposed to the one she prefers?

I hate that. And I have framed a letter form an estate agent which was addressed: Dr and Dr N XXXX - The N XXXX being ME!!!!

A widow can still use Mrs DH initial DH surname.

When invited to a wedding a while ago the envelope was addressed to Mrs DH SharedSurname and the card inside said "Mrs LateHusbandsName Surname requests the pleasure of the company of Mr & Mrs DHName SharedSurname", apart from being correct it was also a lovely way of including my friends late father on the invitations.

I've just remembered that my Dad called me and said I had upset me stepmother when I addressed her birthday card to Mrs HerInitial DadsSurname and reminded me that the correct thing would be Mrs DadsInitial DadsSurname, she had taken it as a personal slight, which I hadn't intended it to be.