Computer in the bedroom who ibu?

[Liberty75]

We are having a longstanding disagreement over using the laptop in bed. So I can't be accused of being bias I'll try not to say my view just now.

one of us feels whilst in bed if one person wants to sleep anything that might disturb them should either be stopped or taken out of the bedroom, this is a particular issue with the laptop which is bright and noisy.

The other works long hours and feels that they have the right to come to bed late evening and finish a few bits of work in the relaxing environment of the bedroom.

The one who wants to sleep thinks the other is selfish and feels working in the bedroom (whilst already working long hours) is intrusive.

The one who wants to use the laptop thinks since they work so hard they should be able to relax and wind down after a really long day and get something useful done at the same time.

Please help, who is being unreasonable?!

So he wants you to lie there seething, and sulks if you move to another room?

I'd be murderous. Honestly. I'd worry for his safety.

it's the tap tap tapping on the keyboard

i would bloody kill dh if he was on it in bed with me trying to sleep. worse than a dripping tap.

reminds me of a holiday where it was all kicking off at dh's work. he sat at the little table in the hotel room half the night tap tap tapping. SO annoying.

The person using the laptop is the one that has the choice of location, the one that wants to sleep has no choice.
Sulking about being asked to let someone sleep is just provoking a row IMO.

Laptop user is BU. And I'm someone who uses my laptop in bed! But if DH said it bothered him, I'd stop.

You're not being hypocrytical by doing something that doesn't bother him. You would be hypocrytical if he told you he didn't like it but you insisted you must continue.

Although my DH is like this too - it's a failure of being able to see other points of view. It doesn't bother him, and he just can't comprehend that it could possibly bother someone else. Two things I can suggest: first, is there something that you know bothers him but not you? Food, a scent, loud TV, music style, anything? Use an analogy showing how it would be like you insisting doing this thing or insisting he eat that food or whatever, because you don't mind it. And second, reiterate that you are bothered by the typing; if he tries to argue back (I'm sure he will, my DH always does) remind him that people have different perceptions and that by continuing to say things he is 'denying' your perception, 'invalidating' you, and showing 'disrespect' for you as individual.

All that tapping would drive me insane. Totally unacceptable. As others have said, the work stuff can happen in loads of rooms, but sleeping only in a bedroom. Can't he do it in the spare room if he wants to? Sometimes I want to watch some TV on catch up on my laptop for the same reason of being cosy etc, but I wouldn't do it if DH was there. I sometimes sleep in the spare room if I want to do that and he wants to sleep.

He's incredibly selfish and lacking in empathy. I have insomnia which I absolutely can't control. I can't believe he's being so controlling - you aren't allowed to sleep elsewhere even though he's disturbing you? What a selfish, inconsiderate arse.

Is your DP mine? If I tell him something annoys me, he tries to tell me its not annoying. His thing is watching stuff on his computer or phone with the sound on. I find it annoying (the noise ) and rude. He says its the same as watching TV, I argue that if the TV is on, I can engage with it as I can see it, but I can't if he is watching on his own device.
So, he carried on doing it. I ask him to put headphones on. He tells me it is not annoying.

Every. Single. Time.

The last time he did it, he said, do you mind, I said what difference does it make, you'll do what you want regardless. He went to get some headphones!!!

Blowmybarnacles, yes they sound the same. He also watches clips etc from the news which I also find a bit thoughtless. As you say if it's a tv you can engage and get involved. The last time he did it I played a clip too, childish I know but I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we both just did as we pleased with no consideration for the other.
Thank you for all the input here. It really has been an eye opener. Yes, he can be rather selfish at times in other parts of our marriage, he does however have many redeeming qualities and I'm sure I'm far from perfect. I think this is a particular issue for me as our youngest has been a terrible sleeper and so I feel very protective of my sleep. Your answers however have validated my feelings, I'm not being intolerant and I'm perfectly entitled to go through to another room without criticism.

If this happened to me the laptop would be consigned to the bottom of the wheelie bin. Sleep deprivation is torture. What planet is he on?

Laptop is unreasonable. Sleeper cant go elswhere for quality sleep, and sleep is important. Laotop user could be comfy on sofa or other places. Symathise wirh the long hours but not at the cost of partners sleep..

He is being vvvUR

I'm a total gadget freak, I regularly use phone and iPad in bed. So does DH. But here's the thing. The sleeper gets the deciding vote. Always. The gadgeteer hoofs it if they want to continue.

And a laptop is NOT the same as a tablet or phone. It has horrible noisy clicky keys and a fan. I'd go batshit.

Laptop user ibu is he married to his job? No screens and work in the bedroom. Bed is for relaxing, sleeping, sex

He said he was upset as he wanted to relax in bed with me next to him whilst he finished his emails. When I said no he said I was being ridiculous and need to sort this issue out.

I'm not sure which I'd defenestrate first, the laptop or the husband. He is being a controlling, inconsiderate arse. How dare he create a problem to which you then have to adapt? You don't have an issue. He's a fucking arsehole.

Gabilan nailed it:

"How dare he create a problem to which you then have to adapt? "

Wait til he's deeply asleep
Start poking him all over with a fork
When he objects, tell him it's not bothering you and he's being ridiculous.
And he's not to go "storming off" to the spare room either. Poking him with a fork is essential for your relaxation.

YABVVU. Your man is working hard to put food on the table dontyaknow? You are kicking your heels earning your pin money and/or looking after easy-peasy children and drinking a lot of hot beverages. Your health and wellbeing come well below his need to relax in his preferred manner.

Seriously, that must be very hurtful. He needs to pull his head out of his backside sharpish. Assuming he has no cognitive issues or illness, selfishness is always a choice, not an immutable character trait.

Wait til he's deeply asleep
Start poking him all over with a fork
When he objects, tell him it's not bothering you and he's being ridiculous.
And he's not to go "storming off" to the spare room either. Poking him with a fork is essential for your relaxation.

This made me giggle like a lunatic!

I think the plan to fork him is inspired. Tell him it's good sleep hygiene.

Tell him to fork off.

Oh dear. I can tell tonight is going the same way as last night.

I'd have whacked him over the head with his bloody laptop by now. No. Just NO. Have whatever screens you like, wherever you like - until someone wants to sleep, then the SLEEPER gets to say what's ok & what's NOT. Non Sleeper needs to bugger off elsewhere or put it away if they can't live without The Sleeper next to them.

He's also being very bloody unreasonable to think you aren't entitled to a different opinion to him...THAT would be pissing me off even more than the laptop.

If he doesn't pull his head in PDQ. I'll be around with the spade...

I'm perfectly entitled to go through to another room without criticism

OP, you've mistyped that. I think you meant to write...

I'm perfectly entitled to kick his sorry, inconsiderate arse through to another room without criticism

Not reading this whole thread, but:

IMO highly unreasonable to do things that stop people from sleeping during the usual hours that person sleeps ie. having a light on in the bedroom if you share one, using a laptop in bed if you share one, banging doors elsewhere in the house, having a noisy shower etc.

On the other hand, not unreasonable to use electronics in bed: it might be bad for your sleep but grown ups are allowed to do things that are bad for them.

Maybe the solution is having separate bedrooms set up (if enough rooms in the house), so sleeping together is an active choice and there's room for somebody to go to bed earlier and sleep and room for someone to carry on working in bed.

I don't find it particularly hard to get to sleep (unless I'm worried/anxious about something) so it wouldn't bother me. I don't live with my Bf but we spent 3-4 nights a week together. He will sometimes be using his laptop - I don't particularly notice the light because I usually go to sleep with TV on. My view is that it doesn't disturb me so no issue...however if it did disturb me, does that outweigh his need to be in bed? In my bf's case there are physical reasons why he can't sit comfortably for long periods, and it's less painful to be in a bed. As such I'd feel my inconvenience was less of an issue than his discomfort. Plus I like us being in bed together. I wouldn't like him to be sleeping in another room, or coming to bed hours later (which would probably disturb me more).