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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Computer in the bedroom who ibu?

147 replies

Liberty75 · 27/04/2016 22:43

We are having a longstanding disagreement over using the laptop in bed. So I can't be accused of being bias I'll try not to say my view just now.

one of us feels whilst in bed if one person wants to sleep anything that might disturb them should either be stopped or taken out of the bedroom, this is a particular issue with the laptop which is bright and noisy.

The other works long hours and feels that they have the right to come to bed late evening and finish a few bits of work in the relaxing environment of the bedroom.

The one who wants to sleep thinks the other is selfish and feels working in the bedroom (whilst already working long hours) is intrusive.

The one who wants to use the laptop thinks since they work so hard they should be able to relax and wind down after a really long day and get something useful done at the same time.

Please help, who is being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 28/04/2016 13:13

I can't see how working in bed is relaxing. If I do it I find my brain is still buzzing when I try to sleep.

However, I have to admit to being a dedicated laptop user in bed. That's when I catch up on MN etc and in particular programmes on iPlayer - I use earphones for that. DH is fine with it but I guess I wouldn't do it if he objected.

I disagree with the suggestion that having a screen in the bedroom stops you sleeping. I find watching a mildly engaging programme on the laptop works a treat for getting me off to sleep. Masterchef is doing the job at the moment.

Original poster
Liberty75 · 28/04/2016 13:13

I think I might show him the thread or at least give him the gist of it. It's always been made out to be my problem. In fairness he does it much less frequently although I believe he resents this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liberty75 · 28/04/2016 13:17

Augusta I also do use my kindle or my phone but as soon as he settles down I always ask him if he minds even though he always says it's ok. I would always stop if he did as I'm sure would you. I'm guessing this is perhaps why he thinks I'm being silly. He says it's one rule for me and one for him. However my devices don't make any noise.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 28/04/2016 13:19

I think the laptop user is BU and clearly needs some kind of comfy chair downstairs in which to finish said work!

MyLocal · 28/04/2016 13:19

The laptop user is being unreasonable. I do read MN in bed, but use an ipad as it is very quiet and you can turn the screen down but I can't think of anything worse than trying to sleep with someone typing away in the background.

OreosAreTasty · 28/04/2016 13:22

Unreasonable.
Utterly and totally so.

OreosAreTasty · 28/04/2016 13:23

Laptop user is being unreasonable, utterly and totally so*
Sorry, shit for brains today

Bogeyface · 28/04/2016 13:24

I would let him read the thread. The rather .... blunt comments may help hammer the point home!

Andrewofgg · 28/04/2016 13:26

No screens in bed unless by agreement.

Twistedheartache · 28/04/2016 13:33

Can he do his emails on his phone instead to reduce the noise?

XIIILC · 28/04/2016 13:34

I'm not in favour of either because I can see it both ways. My other half is a nurse in ED and does all shifts under the sun. Sometimes we don't see each other for days, and then when he is home he wants to spend time with our son. If I'm tired and go to bed early he'll come with me and read or something. Because he just wants to be near me. It is irritating as I have serious sleeping problems, but at the end of the day I know he does it because he wants to see me. If I get too annoyed I ask him to either go in another room or put whatever it he's doing down.

While he was at university he would work in the bedroom at the desk or on the bed becAuse he found that comfortable and could get his work done easier that way. Less distractions too

BowChickaBowWow · 28/04/2016 13:47

We have no blue-light gadgets in the bedroom. Even phones; I use mine as my alarm so it's on my bedside table charging, but I don't use it once I'm in bed and it's turned onto flight mode. Kindles only. It's lovely.

Sleep is so precious. It doesn't matter that your DH doesn't mind what you do in bed when he's trying to sleep, if his behaviour is disturbing you then he needs to alter that behaviour.

gandalf456 · 28/04/2016 13:47

I would never do that if DH was trying to sleep. There are plenty of other rooms in the house where I can take the computer.

wrcm · 28/04/2016 13:50

You need to tell him exactly how you feel. Turn the tables, ask him how he would feel if he was the one who didn't sleep well and this annoying tapping noise droning away in his ear.

If you are starting to sleep in separate rooms already and that is annoying him then it's just a slippy slope into drifting apart. You need to address this issue now before it becomes more of a problem.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, a bed is only for sleeping & rolling around in Wink

Alexa444 · 28/04/2016 14:03

Beds are for sleeping. Besides you will over heat the laptop and damage it using it on a duvet.

RattieOfCatan · 28/04/2016 14:15

Your H is being highly UR. We have a rule of no electronic devices in the bedroom (well, have had since getting a bedroom!) because it is massively selfish to keep the other person awake with the bloody things. Even tablets have the background light. Even in the 3 years where we were in one room, if one person wanted to sleep in the evening the devices went off.

It really seems like he's trying to be controlling about it though, if he wants to finish his emails he can bloody do it before coming to bed. Beds are for sleeping or sex, as another poster said!

Katiepoes · 28/04/2016 14:16

Can you 'sleep' restlessly and fling your arm over the keyboard a few times? AM inclined to agree with the dramatic gesture - throw a complete wobbly and shriek that you need your sleep and he needs to grow the fuck up. Go full on banshee and scare him, if he wants unreasonable give him unreasonable, in buckets.

EweAreHere · 28/04/2016 14:18

Your DH is being unreasonable. His wanting to 'relax' and 'work' (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) in bed is unreasonable if it is meaning you can't relax and go to sleep, which is the first reason we have beds.

You're both tired. Sleep take priority in bed, and if he's preventing you from getting much needed sleep, he needs to take his laptop somewhere else.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/04/2016 14:19

I would kill the laptop user.

Could they compromise with an iPad on a low screen light?

LeaLeander · 28/04/2016 14:34

Sleep is necessary for health. To continue an activity that deprives a supposed "loved one" of needed sleep is so disrespectful and dismissive that words nearly fail me. Especially when he has plenty of alternative computer-use venues throughout the house.

Sounds like the tip of the iceberg in the marital problems arena, if you ask me. Is he this supremely selfish and self-centered in other areas? If I were you I would just make the spare room my default sleeping HQ and if he gripes say "I need to sleep in a bedroom. You have turned our bedroom into a home office despite my requests not to. Can't have it both ways."

You should show him this thread; people from all walks of life are on here, all age ranges, kids/no kids, UK, US and beyond - and it's near unanimous that he is being a jackass. He can't claim that it's just your own cohort agreeing with you.

For the record I do not have anything but a couple of electric lights with incandescent bulbs in my bedroom. No screens, no music, no mess or clutter, not even an LED alarm clock. I read actual books in bed before going to sleep. I keep the windows cracked even in winter for fresh air. Clean bedding at all times. And I sleep quite well. Environment contributes to healthy sleep more than people realize.

MetalMidget · 28/04/2016 14:54

My husband and I regularly use our iPads in bed, but generally not when the other is trying to sleep.

A laptop would drive me insane - not the glow, but the whirring of the fans, the tapping of the keyboard, and the generally increased wiggling and shuffling (which is much greater than with a touchscreen device).

Laptop user is being a bellend.

FloweryBaps · 28/04/2016 15:19

Great response LeaLeander Couldn't agree more.

The laptop user is being totally and utterly unreasonable. The old "aww, but I want to email while you sleep next to me in bed" excuse is bollocks and so incredibly selfish. You are NOT SLEEPING next to him!! Angry

If he wants to email in bed, use the spare room.
If he wants to be next to you in bed then finish work elsewhere then get into bed for a cuddle.
If he wants a decent marriage he needs to listen to what you need.

I'm Shock at his lack of empathy. Perhaps not being able to sleep is just not something that he can understand if he's someone who can just go straight to sleep. I'm just like you OP - light sleeper and take a while to get to sleep (even worse since having children) - so I can completely understand your frustrations and amazed you haven't killed him yet

Your options:
A) Go freakin apeshit so he takes you seriously
B) Show him this thread to highlight just how unreasonable he is being
C) Divorce.

WhatTheActualFugg · 28/04/2016 15:48

The general consensus, or whether or not your DP agrees with you, is immaterial.

The fact is he is deliberately doing something which you have told him upsets/annoys/disturbs you. He doesn't understand how you can feel this way. Fine. But he is also either unable or unwilling to sympathise with how you feel and moderate his behaviour accordingly. Not fine.

MyNameIsPrince · 28/04/2016 15:55

I'm sorry you are sharing a bed with such a selfish and inconsiderate person OP.

GrumpyOldBag · 28/04/2016 16:52

This is an issue in our bedroom too. Bed definitely for sleep, not computer. Unless we are snuggling up together on a Friday evening watching Graham Norton.

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