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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Computer in the bedroom who ibu?

147 replies

Liberty75 · 27/04/2016 22:43

We are having a longstanding disagreement over using the laptop in bed. So I can't be accused of being bias I'll try not to say my view just now.

one of us feels whilst in bed if one person wants to sleep anything that might disturb them should either be stopped or taken out of the bedroom, this is a particular issue with the laptop which is bright and noisy.

The other works long hours and feels that they have the right to come to bed late evening and finish a few bits of work in the relaxing environment of the bedroom.

The one who wants to sleep thinks the other is selfish and feels working in the bedroom (whilst already working long hours) is intrusive.

The one who wants to use the laptop thinks since they work so hard they should be able to relax and wind down after a really long day and get something useful done at the same time.

Please help, who is being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
notinagreatplace · 28/04/2016 10:33

The way I'd see it is that there are lots of places in a house where you can work comfortably on a laptop but not as many places where you can sleep comfortably - and he doesn't even like you using the alternative spare room.

Original poster
Liberty75 · 28/04/2016 10:34

Yes I have explained. I've also said I'm happy to go through to spare room and I'm not storming out. I just know I wouldn't repeatedly do something I knew bothered him because I respect his feelings. I think it is this that upsets me the most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liberty75 · 28/04/2016 10:37

Notinagreatplace last night he warned me that he was going to use his laptop and I said that was fine but I would go through. He said he was upset as he wanted to relax in bed with me next to him whilst he finished his emails. When I said no he said I was being ridiculous and need to sort this issue out.

OP posts:
TimeOfGlass · 28/04/2016 10:42

The laptop user is being unreasonable. If the laptop's stopping the sleeper from actually sleeping, it shouldn't be used in bed.

And your DH arguing that he wouldn't mind if you used a laptop in bed, so it's fine for him to do it, doesn't make it any more reasonable. Different people can get bothered by different things.

For instance, DH needs complete darkness (or as near as we can get) to sleep. I can sleep fine with the hall light on and the bedroom door open, or with the bedside lamp on. It would not be reasonable for me to go turning lights on when DH is trying to sleep just because it wouldn't bother me if DH turned lights on when I was sleeping.

MoggieMaeEverso · 28/04/2016 10:46

How dare he?

You are willing to compromise so that he can do what he wants to do, but that's not enough for him - no, he prefers that you be uncomfortable and sleep deprived!

I guess you can just take a page out of his book and say, "I don't know why it bothers you so much that I sleep in the spare room, I wouldn't feel bothered at all. It's ridiculous of you, you need to sort this issue out."

Sanchar · 28/04/2016 10:50

What you need to do is dramatically throw the window open and frisbee the damn laptop out of it.

Go big or go home, that's what I say!

DailyFaily · 28/04/2016 10:55

Bloody hell - it's all about him isn't it? Why do you need to be in the bed with him for him to relax, especially if it means you're lying there frustrated and unable to relax yourself; you're not some sort of stress relief toy! It's of absolutely no relevance that it wouldn't bother him - it bothers you and that's all he needs to know.

I would just state your case and say that you can't sleep effectively when he's on his laptop, full stop - that's not a choice, it's just how you are and there is nothing YOU can do to sort this issue out. He on the other hand can sort it out by working elsewhere then coming to bed to relax with you once he's finished his emails. Or he can graciously accept that you're going to be sleeping in another room (and count himself lucky that you're not booting him out into the spare room).

I feel for you - sleep deprivation is infuriating, and even more so when it's entirely preventable.

Osmiornica · 28/04/2016 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ameliablue · 28/04/2016 11:47

Beds are for sleeping primarily if a laptop is causing a disturbance take it elsewhere.

MattDillonsPants · 28/04/2016 12:25

He cannot use you as a teddy bear while he surfs.

Ignore and go to spare room.

FV45 · 28/04/2016 12:26

He sounds selfish tbh.

overwhelmed34 · 28/04/2016 12:27

Oooh he's being awful and not giving a thought to you. If you are willing to sleep somewhere else and he won't let you well his levels of unreasonableness are through the roof!

MissTurnstiles · 28/04/2016 12:28

It's very unhealthy to bring work into bed, IMHO. I think your DH needs to re-evaluate his interpretation of 'relaxing and winding down'. I know that many jobs are very demanding but if he needs to work very late into the night after putting in a long working day, is he managing his time and being as efficient as possible during the day? Every job has intense periods where you might have to work around the clock from time to time, but this isn't a sustainable long term way of working.

The predominantly blue light emitted by laptops, smartphones, tablets and TVs also plays havoc with your melatonin levels. If he is using devices right until he falls asleep, it will affect the quality of that sleep, even if he feels that he is sleeping deeply.

In short, YANBU.

Spandexpants007 · 28/04/2016 12:30

He thinks his leisure needs are priority but your need for essentials like sleep are less important. How odd

Twitterqueen · 28/04/2016 12:31

To be brief and to the point. He is selfish arse. He is not only ignoring your entirely reasonable requests, he's refusing to compromise and he wants you beside him for his comfort....

Words fail me.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/04/2016 12:34

He is being very unreasonable to insist on doing something he knows disturbs you and keeps you awake. Sleep is essential to good physical and mental health, and he thinks it is OK to deprive you of that?

And frankly it is irrelevant that he's OK with you using a tablet or whatever in bed. I bet he wouldn't be happy with you repeatedly doing something you knew kept him awake, and deprived him of sleep!

Trunkadunk · 28/04/2016 12:44

Person working in bed un reasonable and should stick a single bed somewhere if they are desperate.

RhiWrites · 28/04/2016 12:51

Can't he laptop in the relaxing environment of the spare bedroom?

TinyTear · 28/04/2016 12:52

If he wants to be in bed wqith a laptop, he should be the one going to the spare room.

i only use my phone in bed for night feeds with the brightness to the minimum and point it away from my DH, if at times he wants to use his tablet, i ask that he lowers the brightness and /or make a wall of pillows

we don't even have tv in the bedroom, bedroom isn't for electronics - apart from night feeds and weekend mornings checking news

Bogeyface · 28/04/2016 12:54

You know why he kicks off about you going to the spare room and says that its your problem?

Because he knows he is being a selfish arse and hates you shining a light on it. If you stay there like a well behaved wifey then he can kid himself that all is well, you dont mind and he is being perfectly reasonable.

That you leave to another room shows that actually he is being a dick for keeping you awake. The fact that he steadfastly refuses to do ANYTHING about it shows him to be a selfish twat who doesnt give 2 shiney shites how he puts you out as long as he can do what he wants.

Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 28/04/2016 12:56

My DH regularly uses his phone in bed and I often use my phone or kindle, and neither of us bothers the other at all. I am usually able to sleep through anything, but just the idea of someone laying next to me, tap tap, tapping on a laptop gives me the rage. Your DH is being a complete arse and needs to have a word with himself!

Twitterqueen · 28/04/2016 12:59

I'm angry now Angry - my totally, utterly selfish twat of an ex insisted on me leaving a light on the bedroom, despite him knowing I couldn't get to sleep easily with it on, because he "needed to read." He did this throughout our entire 16 year marriage. I have no idea why I put up with it. I shouldn't have done. Years of eye patches, new 'low-level lighting blah blah. Why did I endure it?

It's a control issue. Don't let him do it. And don't go into the spare room. If he wants to do it he needs to use the spare room - not you. Angry Angry

SpecialSnowflake · 28/04/2016 13:02

Solution: get an iPad Grin
Seriously though, at least there'd be no keyboard or fan noises.

He is clearly the one in the wrong, and it's up to him to moderate his behaviour.
iPad or just no screens in bed. His choice.

CocktailQueen · 28/04/2016 13:03

He said he was upset as he wanted to relax in bed with me next to him whilst he finished his emails. When I said no he said I was being ridiculous and need to sort this issue out.

Selfish git! What does he mean, relax while he finishes his emails? It's not relaxing for you! Doesn't take your point of view into account; doesn't listen to you - your op is selfish. Show him this thread!

Original poster
Liberty75 · 28/04/2016 13:11

Thanks, the opinion seems overwhelming that this is not ok. I was half hoping that there would be those in his favour, not sure why, maybe I'm just better at modifying things if I'm told I'm wrong.
Bogeyface I think you perhaps have a point, I think he doesn't like to admit that he is wrong and unreasonable.
I have asked him to use an iPad instead as its really not the glare, just the noise. It's got so bad that I actually now can't stand the noise during the day either, even when it's me on the computer!!!

OP posts: