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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask: did your/does your Dp want to stay on the maternity ward with you after you had a baby?

70 replies

PatternChanger · 27/04/2016 15:52

I was in for a few nights following a difficult birth. No big drama but they had to monitor me for a few days. We were in a single room and had fantastic care.
Dh would be itching to leave by 7ish each night and would come back at about 11am the next day. As the care was good this really didn't bother me at the time but chatting to other mums it seems he's a minority.

If your partner was allowed, did they want to stay? Were they sad if they couldn't? Did you want them there?

OP posts:

Onlyicanclean10 · 27/04/2016 15:56

Itching to leave sounds hurtful. Of its your first child I think k that's odd.

Dh would have stayed given the chance with all ours and my ds hated leaving his new baby.

Still he might just be bad st hospitals as they are hot etc.

sjd84 · 27/04/2016 15:58

My other half would have loved to stay, I only stayed in one night with my baby boy (now 3!), and he hated leaving me. DH did not sleep the whole night and was waiting at the door to the ward to come in the morning. We have often said that we would have paid to allow DH to stay with me.

Me624 · 27/04/2016 16:00

DH would have stayed but was not allowed to. I was kept in for two nights after a difficult forceps delivery and I hated being on my own overnight and cried with relief when DH came back each morning. Our hospital allowed partners to visit from 8am-9pm and he stayed for that entire time.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/04/2016 16:02

Stayed one night and it was late when I was taken to the ward but DH didn't want to leave and we both shed a tear (I had been in labour for days and he is a softy) when he had to go and he was back first thing.

However, everyone is different. It's how he is with you both now that counts. I'm sure there are some partners, male and female, that just pop in or some that don't even bother at all. If it didn't bother you then, try not to over think it now

originalusernamefail · 27/04/2016 16:02

Both my labours were 36 hours +, poor DH was dead on his feet once it was all over (bless). Didn't stay overnight for DS1 and tbh I was itching to boot his arse out after DS2 . DS2 and I had a nice night / morning cuddled up together. I don't know if I would have felt differently if things were complicated and I wasn't able bodied on my own.

ChickenTikka31 · 27/04/2016 16:02

He wasn't happy about it but I made him stay.The midwives were encouraging him to and I think that's what made him cave as he really didn't want to. I'd had a traumatic birth and wanted him there to help me as I couldn't get out of bed and needed help to hold the baby. As soon as I was well enough to do some things for myself on day 4 he was off home for the night though.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 27/04/2016 16:02

Mine was happy to stay whilst we were waiting for baby to make an arrival, but afterwards - no.
He spent as much time with me as he could during the day and then he went home for a good nights sleep. I was in for a week with my 2nd child, he wouldn't have slept well, I certainly didn't. I thought it was important he be as well rested as possible, for the broken nights that were coming. He didn't like to leave me, but it would have been daft to stay. Plus, I wouldn't have been comfortable with other husbands being on the ward 24/7.

2ManySweets · 27/04/2016 16:03

Peculiar if it's your 1st child
To a degree understandable if it's your 2nd, 3rd etc...

NapQueen · 27/04/2016 16:03

Dh stayed as long as he could, and I think, got away with an extra hour due to us being in a single room. With dc2 he would have loved to stay longer but we both wanted a bit of normality for dd who was almost 3. Our son arrived at 10.30am, he left at 1 and brought dd to us for 2, they both stayed til 4 then he took her home. He came back at 10am the next morning after dropoing her at my mums (who was out til 9.30am), to stay with me abd the baby til we got discharged about noon.

MrPony · 27/04/2016 16:05

Dh is not good at sitting around so didn't stay much when I was in with dc1.
I was only in 6 hours with dc2 so no need to stay over.

doraexploradora · 27/04/2016 16:05

after everything was done and we had had some bonding time, I tild him to go home and get some sleep and eat proper food. No point being knackered both of us from day 1. I needed him to be fresh and well rested for when I came home.

I can't see the necessity to stay the night tbh

aprilanne · 27/04/2016 16:07

god when i had mine in the 1990s you had one hour 3 until 4 general visiting ,6 until 7 dads only or one person .general visiting 7 until 8 .i was in 5 days with first and 3 days with next two .my hubby was happy to leave and i liked the peace and quiet of just me and my sons at the time .i dont think men should ever be allowed to stay the night .

EatMyFoodFeelMyFork · 27/04/2016 16:07

DH stayed (private room) and loved it! Ds was born at about 6pm and you would have thought we'd won the lottery when the midwives asked dh if he wanted to stay. He popped home to get a few bits then came back about 9pm.
It was a lovely experience to be able to be together plus from a practical point of view he was an extra pair of hands so I probably bugged the midwives less!

BonesyBones · 27/04/2016 16:08

I had DS2 in a midwife led unit and was ready to leave a few hours after birth. DS turned out to be quite poorly, and as it was only me in the bay DP actually asked the midwife if he could stay and I could go home! I had told him there was no way they would allow that, and obviously they didn't but he just couldn't get his head around why he couldn't stay!

nokidshere · 27/04/2016 16:09

I secretly wanted dh to leave so I could snuggle down and sleep with "my" baby. He secretly wanted to get home after a full day at work and hours at the hospital for the birth, so he could have some decent food and sleep.

So when I suggested he went home mid afternoon and he did the "are you sure" bit, we were both happy

AppleSetsSail · 27/04/2016 16:11

We've had one privately and one on NHS. He stayed for the private one and wanted to stay for the NHS one, but we're co-dependent.

glenthebattleostrich · 27/04/2016 16:12

No, I loved the time with just dd and I.

wonkylegs · 27/04/2016 16:12

I had my second baby a week ago today, DH could have stayed but he went home to collect DS1 & MIL from school for a visit at 2.30ish and went home with them for tea & a rest at 5, next day he was at work (he works at the hospital) but popped in, in the morning to see me then came back in the evening to take me home.
I also was admitted for 2 days before birth and he came and visited for a few hours but went home afterwards partially to get a good nights sleep, save PL until we could enjoy it together aND to keep things as normal as possible for DS1 (although granny was providing actual care)
He would have stayed if I'd wanted him to or if there was any problems but I was happy enough reading my books and after baby was born feeding & dozing.
He still hasn't started PL for various reasons and will be starting it tomorrow (& MIL will be going home). Some people are appalled by this but actually it works well as I've not be able to do much post section and MIL has been helpful whilst I sleep, feed and watch crap telly. Starting to get up a bit now and am looking forward to spending time with DH, Ds1 & DS2 that I can actually enjoy.

LurcioAgain · 27/04/2016 16:19

Sorry to hear you had a difficult birth, PatternChanger.

And I think in your circumstances (single room) it would have been fine for your partner to stay. But more generally, I think the question women should be asking themselves is "would I want my partner to stay if this meant that everyone else's partner got to stay too?" where potentially this means twice the number of people trying to use the toilets, twice the number of people sleeping and potentially snoring, some random bloke poking his head round the curtain to complain that his DP hasn't had her breakfast toast yet when you're trying to get the midwife to help you establish BF or check the stitches from your episiotomy (all real stories I have heard on here when people have naively said "wouldn't it be lovely to have partners stay?") And that's before you even get onto the absolutely hair-raising stories some HCPs tell about the behaviour of abusive partners on wards.

So, big no from me, because if I had the right to have my partner stay, then everyone else's partner would have the right to stay too, and I don't want a post natal ward where I'm trying to recover (for medical reasons) to be filled up with random blokes over night. And remember, your lovely DP is my random bloke and vice versa.

StrawberryQuik · 27/04/2016 16:20

I was in for two nights and had my own room, DH stayed both nights...the first night on a squeaky recliner and the second night we shared my bed. The first night I was immobile from the waist down so really needed him there, the second night I just wanted him. He went home the first morning to shower for a few hours.

I was on a midwife led unit so it was only private rooms and partners encouraged to stay.

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2016 16:24

I had ds in a private hospital last year and dh stayed with me the 2 nights I spend in hospital. He wanted to and I wanted him to stay

Divathecat · 27/04/2016 16:26

I think private room is fine but in a ward I think its intrusive to have partners there and it should be banned.

corythatwas · 27/04/2016 16:27

I was in for weeks before the birth on both occasions and several days afterwards, never had a private room and frankly would not have thanked dh for hanging around when I was trying to sleep. He did stay until the end of visiting time though and was very hands-on with both babies, particularly dc2 when I was too battered to get out of bed.

MeMySonAndl · 27/04/2016 16:28

As soon as they wheeled me back to the maternity ward (after a 27 hours long labour), ex left because a nurse had told him he looked exhausted and needed some rest, I couldn't have breakfast because I couldn't walk to the buffet, missed lunch as I was exhausted, wish he could have stayed to help. He came back for 10 minutes at the end of the day, after celebrating he was a father with friends/family and having a good sleep. Honestly, I could have killed him.

Once at home, my mother came to visit for 2 weeks. My mother didn't want to cook as she knew what pride exh took on his own cooking. Exh wouldn't cook because he felt it was my mother responsibility to do it. So, apart of feeding the baby, I had to cater for 2 adults, when the only thing I craved for was some rest after some painful birth complications.

Sunnymeg · 27/04/2016 16:28

I had DS at 7am, DH was encouraged to leave so that I could have breakfast around 8.30am. He then came back at normal visiting time at 2pm saying that he had been told he couldn't stay because the ward was shortstaffed.

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