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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask: did your/does your Dp want to stay on the maternity ward with you after you had a baby?

70 replies

PatternChanger · 27/04/2016 15:52

I was in for a few nights following a difficult birth. No big drama but they had to monitor me for a few days. We were in a single room and had fantastic care.
Dh would be itching to leave by 7ish each night and would come back at about 11am the next day. As the care was good this really didn't bother me at the time but chatting to other mums it seems he's a minority.

If your partner was allowed, did they want to stay? Were they sad if they couldn't? Did you want them there?

OP posts:

CazM2012 · 27/04/2016 18:53

With my first I was desperate for him to stay and so was he, but once he had left it was lovely to cuddle DD1 and have her all to myself. I struggled the second time since I gave birth quite late and they moved me quickly onto the ward so he had very little time with us before leaving at the ward door but again was a nice experience bonding. With our third I kicked him out as soon as I was settled and it was nearing time to leave and enjoyed baby, until 1 am when I had to make decisions on care and uncertainty if he was about to be moved to special care, I couldn't wake him through the phone and had to decide myself. Over all he would have loved to stay and have that first night as a new family but it made the first night at home better as he was more rested and willing to hold baby half the night while I dozed, I enjoyed that bonding time alone and the 'that just came out of me' feeling.

Sparrowlegs248 · 27/04/2016 19:13

No. My husband left at about 6pm when ds was born at lunchtime by elcs. He had to go home and deal with animals. He came for a bit the next day, then picked me up the day after that. Im not sure I'd have wanted him there 24/7

Xmasbaby11 · 27/04/2016 19:16

I was in for a week with dd1. I was sad when Dh left every evening because feeding was going badly, but there's no way I'd want him there 24 hours for a week. Best for him to get some sleep and keep the house going for our return.

With dd2 he wanted to be home to look after dd1. I was only in 2 days anyway.

Dilemmawithfil12 · 27/04/2016 19:19

I spent a week in hospital after DD. I was very ill and the care was awful He begged them to let him stay. I was in a private room and the last night they agreed to let him stay as I threatened to leave if they didn't, that night I felt 100000x better. We originally tried for a birth at a local MLU where partners can stay but unfortunately the birth didn't go as planned! We both said we'd have paid more to have him stay, he was at the door early every morning and they had to kick him out every night!

user1456843986 · 27/04/2016 19:23

I was in for 3 nights. Partners not allowed after 9pm. My labour was 30hrs so by 9 he had been up for 42hrs straight and was desperate to get home. I think he would have wanted to stay the other nights if allowed (night two on my own was hardest by far) although he did go to a midnight showing of Star Wars on night two so maybe not.

redexpat · 27/04/2016 19:24

I am in Denmark so different setup. First time he slept at the patient hotel which has its own entrance onto the postnatal ward. Second time different hospital he was admitted so he could sleep in the same room(no patient hotel). Both times he was expected to provide basic nursing care for me and the baby.

SeafrontDreams · 27/04/2016 19:29

I was moved onto a ward at around 5am after an EMCS. The midwives encouraged DH to stay with me, even though there were two other women on the ward. visiting hours for partners started at 8 anyway and I think they were short staffed, so he decreased their workload as I could rely on him to help me as I couldn't get up. DH was sad when he had to leave us later that night, he didn't want go home and came straight back the next morning.

MrsMook · 27/04/2016 19:37

DS1 was born at lunchtime after a long all day and overnight labour. DH left HDU at about 7pm beyond exhausted. On my own there wasn't so bad because the MW ratio meant that baby was passed to me etc.

Being dumped on to a heaving postnatal ward at midnight the following night was hell. I'd gone from being laid up for 48 hours to suddenly having to fend for me and baby. There wasn't the staffing to cover the buzzers and while on the ward, I dropped baby into the cot when my strength gave out when I tried to lower him in. The nights were hell. Baby was on a feeding regime so we were woken and he was reluctant to feed. I missed DH so desperately and found the nights so long.

He wouldn't have got the rest he needed had he have stayed over. A private room rather than shared ward would be necessary to do it properly.

The real problem was staffing ratios.

monniemae · 27/04/2016 19:47

My partner would have been allowed stay overnight with us, on a ward in kings South London, but after two nights trying to sleep in hard hospital chairs in the labor room between my contractions I sent him home at 10ish. He would have hated it. I was really glad I had the option of him staying though and didn't begrudge the other dads staying on the ward at all.

NotSayingImBatman · 27/04/2016 19:58

He wouldn't have been allowed and I wouldn't have asked even if he was.

My DH is a nice bloke. But the mother in the bed opposite me had the right to be as comfortable as possible whilst she bled, cried and sat with her boobs out trying to establish feeding and that involved not having a "random" man - my DH - sitting nearby and making her feel uncomfortable just by his presence. Just like I deserved the same privacy without her DH - also a perfectly lovely bloke, I'm sure - being there all night either.

Stillwishihadabs · 27/04/2016 20:02

I may be a weirdo but why would you want your dh to spend the night ? Hospitals are incrediblly boring places ( if not a patient or working there) I literally cannot think of anything worse than being forced to spend a night as a visitor on a hospital ward- just why ?

ChangedDays · 27/04/2016 20:08

DP wished he could have stayed, it was awful him leaving both me & dc1 each night (in for 2nights)
With dc2 we pushed to be discharged asap. Got home at midnight 6hours after birth. We were both pleased to be home & together with our baby. Dc1 was with grandparents until the next morning & it was amazing having the siblings meet for the first time at home

ChocolateStash · 27/04/2016 20:25

We didn't have the option luckily. Dh was glad to be able to leave when partner's visiting hours were over. He worked long hours when dc1 was born, and when dc2 was born, he needed to go home to be with dc1 after work. Some of the visitors (the lady in the next bed had several visitors that took over the ward) and one of the new mums (made several loud phone calls throughout the day and night) were very invasive so I was glad there was no +1's staying over.

readytorage · 27/04/2016 20:29

Nah my husband was ready to go home at 8pm and he is wonderful father.

Signoritawhocansway · 27/04/2016 20:31

I am very much of the opinion that men shouldn't be allowed to stay. Yes, it may be nice, but not for everyone else.

However, going against that, I wish my DH had been allowed to stay when I was taken to post natal ward after completely unexpected EMCS with DC. I went from being happily pregnant at 27 weeks to a preemie mother of a VERY sick child in less than 12 hours. I was taken to a room after section, at gone midnight not knowing whether my baby was still alive, and DH was made to leave. So, in exceptional circumstances it should be allowed.

GnomeDePlume · 27/04/2016 21:27

NotSayingImBatman I agree. Having one's own DP present in the ward through the night means having everyone else's DP present.

I think having DPs there could really change the dynamic of a ward. People would focus in on their own little family unit. The person who's partner couldnt be there or who didnt have a partner could end up feeling horribly isolated at night.

There was one ghastly, gobby father, all pumped masculinity, who's wife had just given birth to twin boys on the ward as I was waiting to be discharged after DC3. Full of his own self importance. I ended up taking his older DD to the toilet because he was too full of himself to notice she was desperate (his wife knew I had done this, it wasnt like I just wandered off!). I would have hated to have had to have him in the ward overnight.

Isthereeverarightime1 · 27/04/2016 21:32

No my dp didn't stay as we had dogs at home which needed him to be there for them, I wish he could have stayed as I had a section and the midwife care over night was shocking and I really struggled! This time I had originally said I wanted him to stay but I expect I will end up sending him home and things should be different for me this time but if I want him too he would! I don't recall any other fathers being there over night

ParsleyTheLion1 · 27/04/2016 21:47

I stayed 4 nights after CS with first DC (in private maternity hospital). DH didn't attend birth and didn't stay overnight either. He came for about 90 mins every day. Didn't really bother me. I was having a nice rest. And had other visitors to keep me company (or the lovely midwives), or my newspapers/magazines!

woodwaj · 27/04/2016 21:58

I just asked my OH. He was happy to go home and get some rest and wanted to. He had two of us to look after when we got home!

typicallyaverage · 27/04/2016 22:10

My DP stayed overnight with me when I had DS1. We were in our own room and I gave birth on the midwife led unit.

3 weeks ago I gave birth to DS to. It was a high risk pregnancy, late booking, really low iron levels, fainting, baby measuring low etc and DP was unable to stay with me. I wished he would have been able to though. I saw no one from 9pm to 6am the next morning and struggled to bend over changing DS's nappy as my back was hurting so much. I also continuously felt lightheaded and as though I was going to black out. My partner left at 9pm and was back again at 9am the next morning.

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