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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD saying DSS "smacked her"

147 replies

Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 15:34

Stepson is 19 and lives with us, has done since he was 11.

DD who is 2 came into the kitchen earlier and saying "Mummy did this" and then proceeded to smack her leg, I asked her to tell me again and she said exactly the same thing, I then asked her why he did that and she said that she was trying to put a cushion in his face Confused. I went in and asked dss why dd was saying that he had hit her on the leg and he just laughed and asked dd why she was "telling on him to Mummy' so then I asked him again and he said that she was shoving a cushion in his face while he was watching tv and he told her to stop but she didn't so he "tapped" her on the leg. I saw red and told him in no uncertain terms that I don't care what she did with the bloody cushion but he is to never ever hit/tap/smack her or whatever he wants to call it, this then involved much huffing about her annoying him and he then stormed upstairs and called his Dad.

DH just phoned and asked what was going on (dss now gone out) so I told him and he said well I've told him not to do it again but it was only a tap, so now I've gone mad at him and he has put the phone down on me!

FFS stepson is 19 years old, dd is 2 she can be bloody annoying as 2 year olds can but he is a man, how dare is bloody smack her on the leg for annoying him, I am so angry.

AIBU and over reacting?

OP posts:
CandyFlossBrain · 27/04/2016 17:31

He's not a stranger Ewe he's a family member. And even wearing tights, if he'd smacked her hard there would be a red mark. It doesn't sound like he lost his rag, just attempted to stop her irritating him, though I appreciate you have the right to be annoyed that it doesn't fall into line with how you parent.

Maybe text him to apologize for shouting (showing a mature example) and then you can have a calm chat later about how he can cope with her on his own.

Original poster
Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:31

Believe - I didn't go raging to DH he stomped up the stairs and called him then dh called me.

OP posts:
Griphook · 27/04/2016 17:32

Just to add aswell if he's not seen her being smacked before I think it makes it worse as he's not using the discipline you use.

Sallystyle · 27/04/2016 17:47

This does not need to be made into a step child thread. I hate shitty step parents with a vengeance but nothing in the OP suggests this has anything to do with him being a step child. No need to make things up to get a juicer AIBU thread.

OP you over-reacted. All you can do now is talk to him when things have calmed down.

Alexa444 · 27/04/2016 17:48

Op get a grip. Kids exaggerate. As a teen I would have swatted away a child trying to smother me with a cushion. So would anyone else I know. He didn't exactly put her over his knee and spank her did he. She wouldn't leave him alone so he swatted at her and she learned from it. Show me anyone who never smacked a sibling and I'll show you a liar.

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 17:51

You didn't say if your daughter was told off for her repeatedly shoving a pillow in his face.

Presumably you did, in which case I would make a point of telling your stepson that you dealt with her behaviour too, and what he should do next time she is annoying him & won't stop.
You could do this whilst you are apologising to him for going off at the deep end at him.

AndNowItsSeven · 27/04/2016 17:54

Leaving a two year old to play unsupervised in the whole of the down stairs is irresponsible.

Original poster
Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:56

Oh she was definitely told off for shoving a cushion in his face and if he hadn't stormed off she would have apologised as well.

I would love to know why my dd cannot have free reign of the downstairs? Anything else to me (in our house that is as I appreciate not everyone's houses are the same) would be weird, it's perfectly safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 17:58

I was downstairs as well just in a different room. When I am confident that she has mastered the stairs up and down the stair gates will come off and shock horror she will have the whole house apart from siblings bedrooms.

OP posts:
TheSolitaryBoojum · 27/04/2016 18:02

My niece bit my DS hard. he stood there and took it because he didn't know what to do. She was 8, he was 20. So I told him several things he could do if it ever happened again, and I told her off very firmly indeed, to the dismay of her daddy.

No, he shouldn't have tapped her, but you should have had the foresight to talk to him about what to do if she's being a PITA. Would you have been upset if he'd yelled at her? It sounds like he thought it was a joke, tapped her and she complained to you.
When DS was 3 and DD was 7, he was apparently annoying her. I didn't know until there was silence in the room and I came in to find her sitting on a large beanbag, reading. I was puzzled. Until the beanbag wiggled and I saw a foot.

SoupDragon · 27/04/2016 18:03

So the 19 year old is saying it was a tap, the 2 yr old says it was a hard smack yet did not make so much as a squeak and you believe what the 2 yr old says is 100% accurate and not in anyway exaggerated...?

A straightforward "please don't do it again because it's not appropriate" would have done. No need to go ballistic.

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 18:05

She's plenty old enough to not have you hovering around her, I agree.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/04/2016 18:06

Unless your downstairs has been completely childproofed then leaving her alone and out of sight is a gamble.

You may not realise it (but I think you do) but you are also favouring your DD over your other DCs by letting her have free unsupervised reign. Your other DCs are having to accommodate and supervise her. A task you have made even more difficult by your willingness to put such importance on a 2-yr-old's mime over the word of the teenager who was there.

Original poster
Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 18:12

Pretty much child proofed yes, we don't have any animals, cleaning stuff in high cupboards, TVs high enough that she can't reach, no fire, blind cords appropriately out of the way, washing machine:drier in utility room that she can't get into so pretty much ok thanks for the concern though..

Oh and yes I completely favour my dd, don't give a toss about anyone else in my house all because she can wander around without me hovering around her Hmm

OP posts:
Maroonie · 27/04/2016 18:16

I don't think you were unreasonable, he had a chance to explain and he used it to tease a 3 year old for telling.
Lots of people's kids are annoying- you don't just a hit them.
And I have an absolute zero tolerance on any violent behaviour- especially as it was done in anger to control her.

Maroonie · 27/04/2016 18:17

Sorry 2 year old...

MrsHathaway · 27/04/2016 18:18

My DC can and do batter each other without leaving a mark - I think that has more to do with genetics than force.

OP I wasn't clear. I was trying to say that YWNBU to be furious, so it's understandable that you overreacted. I'm not impressed by D(S)S running to his dad for backup, but I can see how even an adult would be overfaced by a raging tiger mother!

ThinkPinkStink · 27/04/2016 18:21

No one is saying that anyone is 'right' to hit anyone.

But really do re-read some of the comments when you're feeling less flamed, there's some good advice in here about how to take charge of the situation so as it doesn't happen again.

Original poster
Wilberforce2 · 27/04/2016 18:24

Completely get that Pink and I will sit down later and re-read, I've text him and said that I shouldn't have shouted but I was really surprised that he would think that what he did was appropriate. He will be home soon so I will chat to him then.

OP posts:
Maryz · 27/04/2016 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 27/04/2016 18:29

My DC can and do batter each other without leaving a mark - I think that has more to do with genetics than force.

Can they do it without the "victim" making a sound though? Lord knows mine couldn't!!

Minisoksmakehardwork · 27/04/2016 18:29

I find when I have children running yelling tales on each other, the easiest things is to assume they were both in the wrong and tell them both off.

So when your dd came to you, in your position id've gone to dss and asked what happened - "she was pushing a cushion in my face and I told her not to". Dd gets told off there and then for the cushion and to apologise. Dss then gets told that smacking/ tapping- however you want to phrase it, isn't the way to deal with it either, remove the cushion, remove himself, move her away from him, and has to apologise too. Both learn that the other didn't like what happened and the incidents are dealt with in the order of occurrence. I know your dd was punished, but I'm guessing dss didn't see that as he'd already gone off in a huff. He may have tried to downplay the incident with the comment about telling on him, but dd has already learnt you believe her over him otherwise she wouldn't have come to you at all as she was initially wrong.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 27/04/2016 18:29
Smile Some things never change over the years. Some constants are reliable.
paxillin · 27/04/2016 18:30

If he ends up resenting his dsis, he might develop a "go away" attitude towards her. Don't touch me, don't sit near, leave the room as she enters. It's not like 19yos queue up to interact with toddlers and she could have so much fun with him. He'll do it out of love for her not because he enjoys it.

She didn't seem that bothered, but she will have learned she is and he isn't believed. He might be worried about that, too.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 27/04/2016 18:33

' but dd has already learnt you believe her over him otherwise she wouldn't have come to you at all as she was initially wrong.'

I think that was one of the issues with my biting niece, she was used to being indulged and her behaviour minimalised. She's older than your DD, OP, but she was 2 once...
And FWIW, my children had the run of most of the rooms in the house as soon as they were safe on the stairs. Occasionally tracked, but not caged.